Sunday, November 27, 2011

Dear friend

You have taken a path in which I have walked
many many years ago
I can tell you from my experience
it's not the path to freedom
while maybe this way ..has given you the strength
the courage to do what you have done
right now I am sure you feel free
but freedom comes with a price
right now you don't see the price you will pay
but I know very well ...
there is a price
Hurting someone you loved
someone who loved you
takes a toll
not always right away
but that freedom has a price
I of all people wish you to be happy
to be loved
to feel complete in life
but only you can make you ..happy
only you can feel complete within yourself
you can't experience true love
until you love yourself
no other person can provide you with these things
right now you may believe you been given all these things
right now you will excuse anything you do and say away
because you truly believe you have found what you have been seeking
and maybe you have found someone who is truly wonderful
but remember there is a price to pay
your price will be in the knowing
that you have hurt someone u once loved
who loved you
it may not seem like a big price right now
but I know it's not a price I want you to pay
so as you move forward
do so with compassion
do so with truth
do so with the understanding that your happiness
has shaken another's world
shaken another's faith
hurt another's heart
this pain you can never take back
this pain you will never feel forgiven for
if you do not handle this right
so stop
and think
think about the future you
and who you want to be
think about the love u once had
think about your soul
think about this other soul
be honest
be open
be compassionate
don't have regrets
that is the price u will pay for your freedom
if you don't handle this right
there is no time in life it's okay to be selfish
there is no time in life that you can just get over hurting someone you love
so as you walk dawn this new path
you have chosen for yourself ..
think about not just the here and now
think about your future you
do this the right way now
so you don't hold on to regret
I can tell you from experience
while you may never receive forgiveness from the other
it will take years and years to forgive yourself
so do everything in your power now do things right

with Love and Understanding ..more then you could possibly know

Saturday, November 26, 2011

an evening at blessed I am

I can't believe I get to live here in this beautiful place ..everyday I thank God for this place ..the peace this place brings me... I am so Blessed

This place has changed me ...changed the way I see my world ..changed the way I treat the people in my life and I share this place with each and every one of them. I still don't believe I deserve a place like this to call ..HOME ..but I sure do thank God for it every single day.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

these prayers ..are not just for me..these dreams not just mine

I rarely pray for myself and my needs
but I do find myself praying hard right now for not just my wants
but the wants of my husband
and the needs of my parents
it is coming to a point where they can't manage on their own much longer
Life has also come to a point where the need to stay where we are is no longer there
we moved here and settled for where we live for a few reason
but most of all the place was just a few doors away from my grandparents
Now that they are gone ..the point of staying here is now gone
but I must stay close
for my parents
We found a place on a private lake
our dream has always been to live on the water
but in the back of my mind is always my parents
so when I looked at the house
I thought would this set up work if they or one of them come lived with us
to my dreams it was
has two living rooms ..bedrooms spaced apart
2 full bathrooms
a giant kitchen
and 2 dining area's
it would be perfect for not just us
but when that point came to be
that one or both my parents needed me
while my parents have a house and it was their dream
that same dream is not ours
to my surprise after showing my parents the place
they both said they would be willing to live there with much excitement
so we have started the process to get the place
all my hopes and dreams of where I live are there
wildlife , the lake ,the view of that lake in almost every room
it would be so peaceful and wonderful
surrounded by woods and the beauty of nature
the place being big enough for all of us to live comfortable
I am praying so hard everyday that we can make this happen
I am so scared to want it so badly and be let down
so scared that i will be forced to later move into my parents house
which neither me or my husband want
I would be heart broken to see it sold someday
but I think that's normal to be sad when your childhood home is no longer your home
this new place would give us all a new start
give us peace and happiness
I can imagine my mom or dad or both sitting out on the deck over looking the water
and feeling the peace of this place
I want that for myself too
I find myself thinking maybe I don't deserve such a wonderful place
but I know they deserve such a wonderful place to finish out the rest of their lives with me
and while moving one or both of them will be a challenge to sell everything off ..that is what I want for them
take the money made off all their stuff and just live life ..just be happy and not worry about money I want them come there live with us be watched over
maybe they would have enough to to do that
So I pray god hears my prayers ..that I am deserving of this dream
that we can make this happen for all of us
please God ...hear our prayers and help make them our reality

Friday, July 29, 2011 I am

Listening to the sounds of rain on the roof

in the distance the sound of the train whistle

the one that passes by every night at this time

I open my lap top and put some words down on the page

it's been a while since I last wrote

been a while since I have felt a connection to myself

that I need to be able to write

or maybe I just needed to find my place again in my world

maybe I needed a break from myself

what ever it was ..

the words are back

the thoughts are back

my heart is healed

I am ready to speak from it again

so here I go ..

I still devote most my time to my parents

I got distracted for a while..

spending more time online then with them

doing mindless things

nothing that required me to think ..or feel

I think I needed a break from the seriousness of my life

needed a break from reality

just to be like everyone else for a while

well other people who don't have to take care of "everything"

maybe there is no such thing as that.

But for a brief time I wanted that

but the guilt ..didn't take long to sit in

the thoughts of what's really important creeps back in

So I am back ..back to my reality

and I feel better now

feel like myself again

being who I am

what I do

makes me feel like a better person

makes me feel I have purpose

so here I am ..

back to my inner thoughts

back to be able to out them down on the page

Life is back on track

Mom and Papa are doing well

Grandma and grandpa Ray are together in heaven

their ashes remain in my china cabinet

not ready yet to part with them


still believe that it was my the most profound experience

so far in my life

knowing ....there is more to come

I worry about my dad Papa

the battle to keep him well ...continues

and it's getting harder everyday

so this is where I am

alone in the dark..

sharing some thoughts

need to get back to this place

remain in this place

even when it's hard to be here ..

so my blog continues ..

stay tuned ..

Thursday, May 12, 2011

This years May 6th

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." Funny how it's hardest to forgive ones self, taken me 17 years to be able to Forgive ...Me, But it feels good to finally be there, I used to think I needed your forgiveness when the truth is I had to just forgive myself.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

It was just meant to be ...

Sometimes things just work out as they should even when we don't see it that way at first..

Mom lost her Silver "bear totem" bracelet..

she was heart broken..

I went to every place we had gone to try to find it ..

and nothing ..

you have to understand my Mother and this bracelet ..

she will not leave the house without it ..

she has many pieces of Native American Jewelry

most of them have a "bear" on them ..

it's her totem ..the bear

a little about the bear totem

Deep in slumber, dreams unending,
Wise old bear, patient, strong,
Send me dreams of transformation.
Grant me intuition along
With introspection of my life,
Inner listening, no more strife.
Caution, Healing, Leadership
The power of the Bear totem
is the power of introspection.
The answers to all our questions
lie within us.
Each of us has the capacity to quiet the mind,
enter the silence and know.
Just as the bear hibernates during the winter,
people with a Bear totem will be quieter
during the winter months. But they
must awaken in the spring and seek
whatever opportunities are around them.
When you have a Bear totem,
you are being guided to a leadership role.
You must be fearless in defending your beliefs.
The Bear also encourages you to exercise
your abilities as a natural healer.
Bears are associated with trees which are natural antennas, linking the heavens and the Earth.
Bear also has links to the seven color rays of the Universal Light
as well as Lunar ties, linking the subconscious and the unconscious mind.

she will not leave her house without wearing a "bear"

it gives her piece of mind.

it keeps her safe in her mind

So losing the bear bracelet was heart breaking

So I got online when I got home ...and searched the designer

after looking for a while I found one on ebay

which was quite expensive ..

then I stumbled onto another at a vintage shop

I called her and we bought it ..should be arriving today or tomorrow

but while browsing this person's online shop I found another piece

that I knew my mother had wanted all her life

A Vintage Native American Sterling Silver And Turquoise Squash Blossom Necklace

She had looked at these so many times at the flea market

Also at a Native American Indian Pow Wows show

always to miss out on that one special piece she wanted

or not to be able to afford the asking price

So when I saw this piece, I just had to show her ..

I snapped a picture with my camera and showed it to her

It really is the piece of her dreams

the one she had always wanted

at a price she could afford

so today we ordered it ..we can't wait to see it on her,when it arrives

The thought behind this story is this ..

while she was heart broken to lose her cherished bear cuff bracelet

if she had not lost it ..we would not have found a replacement

we would have not been lead to find her Dream Piece a..

Turquoise Squash Blossom Necklace.

To us ...this was meant to me this way ..

and to whom ever found that bear totem bracelet

we hope that it does it's purpose for you too

Keeps you safe ..we think that was meant to be too.

So cherish it ..just as my Mom did.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


A razor tongue leaves wounds that can take forever to heal..
I know because there is someone in my life who has one
I didn't choose this person to be part of my life
they where born to be part of it
every time I do or say something ..
anything ..they don't like
they unleash their razor tongue onto me ..
pointing out every negative thing I have ever done ..
or thought.. I have done in my life.
and while this has always happen.. between us
I still feel blind sided every single time
it still creates wounds that will never ever heal ..between us
maybe not in them..after an unleashing they go right back to everything's fine
but in me these wounds bleed and hurt and don't just go away ..
and there is nothing fine about it
I don't understand someone who says they are so content and happy in their lives
still they have such hate and negativity flow from their lips or even their fingertips
that negativity and rage and hate is so so deep inside them
after all these years
when they look at me ..when they see me
and while I would do anything to wipe it all away if I could
I know it is not in my power to do so
the only power I hold is to avoid the razor
the only power I have is to know my truth
the only power I have is to keep on my path of doing good ..
doing right improving on myself
I know I am not perfect
I know I have made my share of mistakes in my life
I know I will always in some ways handle some things wrong
but I also know that even when I make those mistakes
I make them from a good place in my heart
I do not unleash negativity that I have buried deeply in my core
because it is not there to unleash
I am not perfect..I know this
do I have negative thoughts about people
would I unleash those thoughts onto that person
no ..I wouldn't
it's not in me to be cruel
it's not in me to be hateful
it's not in me to make wounds in people souls
in my heart I know those people will see the error's of their ways someday
I know they will grow from the experience they have in life
I do not judge the person on their faults of their past
I do not judge the person on their faults of today
nor will I judge them on their faults in the future
I accept them them love and concern
or they are not a part of my life if I can't do that
in my mind and heart people God has is my life he put there for a reason
it was not to judge them
it was not to abuse them with my words
its to lift them up
build them up
make them feel loved ..even when they don't do right
to try to help them see when they are not doing right
but not by angry words
but by loving and caring words
words from my heart
words that bring tears
words from my experiences
Will I be walked on to keep from speaking my mind when I am done wrong
no ..
I will defend myself
I will express my hurt in what they have said or done
will I hold it against them ..against our relationship ..
no ..
not to these people God placed in my life
I will rebuild ..fix what was broken and embrace them in good or bad
with this person
how do I do that?
am I suppose to do that?
do I give up on them
do I protect myself from that razor tongue
by not having them a part of my life on any level?
God I wish I knew what I am suppose to do here with this person
I can't make them see their abuse
how can I let myself continue to be abused by their words of hate
is this really what you wanted from me is to stay and try
to take this abuse take in this hate from them
and when I do ..where am I suppose to put it all
am I suppose to hand it all to you as you have said
I tried God
but then why do I still feel my wounds
God Please help me
please help me understand
give me a sign to what I am suppose to do
do I continue to try
to try to understand this persons pain
or God is it to much for my spirit to take on all by myself
Please God me the way
lead me away from the wounds they are making in my soul
I don't want these wounds
these wounds scare me..God
scare me because I am afraid to be like them
scared to cut people with my words
I never ever wanna be like that
Did life's pain make them like this?
how do I know the pain they create in me wont make me like them
if I continue to allow it in my life
I am here God ..
show me what to do...

and one more thing God ..
please heal their heart ..
please take their pain and hate from their core
God Please heal their wounds
please show them the pain they inflict with their words
In Gods name I Pray

Saturday, November 20, 2010

my book of life

I may be closing one chapter in the book of my life

but my book is far from over

I am taking the love that grew

the strength I gained

along with the knowledge I have inquired

and starting a new page

but before I close out this chapter

I wanted to say

Thank you

thank you for letting me love you

thank you for loving me

thank you for helping me grow

thank you for letting me help you grow

thank you for good times and the laughter and love

thank you for the bad times and the tears and struggles

I knew from day one..

our journey would change me forever

I never had any doubt that this journey was one God intended for me

to teach me

about so many things

but mostly about faith

I am so blessed to always have you both

as a chapter in the book of my life

I know that in future chapters

the lessons and love

will return

to be revisited time and time again

that's how much of an impact

our journey has had on my life

I close this chapter proud

proud of myself

proud of all the things it taught me

and as I start a fresh new page in my book

the possibilities are endless

God has more big plans for me

and with each new stroke of my pen

I will continue to make a difference in peoples lives

my days of giving it my all ..are far from over

because of what I learned in our journey

I know my heart has no boundaries

I can open it far and wide

I can be hurt

yet still show love and compassion and forgiveness

I can be misunderstood

but that will not stop my heart from loving

that will not stop me from being there always for the people I love

I am strong

I am compassionate

I am God's Child

and I will continue to follow his lead in my life

I will take risks with my heart

because those risks make life worth wild

I will continue to share my chapters

in hopes that they might touch another

I will continue to be me

and everything that entails

because You love me just as I am

and through this journey you set before me

I learned to love me ..just as I am

Thank you God for leading me down this path

I will continue this next chapter

hearing your call

listening to that inner voice

without doubt or hesitation

so take my pen..take me and lead on!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Ray Colin Watson

Ray Colin Watson of Richmond Mi, formally of Gladwin MI and Algonac MI age 85 went to be with God and all those who traveled before him on 11-18 2010
at Medilodge of Richmond
Ray Watson was born 06-18-1925 in Detroit MI. He served in the United States Navy during the Second World War .He loved Fishing and enjoyed spending time with son Floyd Specially at the Blue Water Bridge Port Huron. He was proceeded in death by his wife Mildred Watson in 2006 and his parents Arden and Edna Watson . He is survived by his step son Floyd Nichols and wife Carole Nichols of Casco MI and his long term care giver and grand daughter Lorri Nichols of Richmond MI. He will be greatly missed by his family and his care takers.
A special thank you to all those who took wonderful care of Ray at Medilodge of Richmond and In House Hospice and his in home care aids ..You all made the final years of his life filled with love and laughter and a lot of happiness, we can never repay you or express to you how much each of you touched Ray's life and Ours too ...

May God Bless you all.

my Angels along the way

I call them angels

but they are just like you and me

they have had lives filled with trials and tribulations

but it's like they are heavenly sent

they come into my life

into my experience

and share them selves

their experiences

their lives

with me in my darkest moments

when I am seeking comfort

when I am questioning myself

they appear and share of themselves

share their thoughts

their experiences

their loss

their beliefs

and while they might even not know it

I know these encounters

are more then just a coincidence

God placed them in that time and place

to help guide me

to help bring me comfort

to help give me strength

just by the most simplest act

of sharing of themselves

and while they may not even know it

I know that in that moment

God worked through them

he had them open their hearts and show me their pain

show me their truths

show me the inspiration in who they are

their lives

their love

their loss

their reason for being

I am struck by knowing everything comes full circle

not just in my life

but in complete strangers lives and friends lives

their words have brought me comfort all along the way

I see these encounters

and know they are no accident

and as we part ways I know

that not only did they touch my life

but maybe ..just maybe

I touched them back

maybe they needed to be reminded me

what a remarkable person they really are.

And that's why God picked them

to be an angel to me..

so I could return the favor.

listen to their stories

relish in the inspiration of who they are

what they been through

I am so very blessed

Thank you for being my angel along the way

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

the bitter sweet journey of one special purple bear

When my grandma got sick ..
One day me and gramps stopped and got her flowers ..
I saw this purple bear with a rose on its chest.
She loved roses and bears ..
she had tons !
So gramps picked out flowers
and I picked up the bear and we gave them to her..
She adored her bear ..everywhere she was ..there was the bear
in her bed ..on the couch ..she wanted it around her all the time.
When she got very sick and we called in hospice to help ease her pain
This special purple bear sat on her lap every moment of every day till she passed away.
after I got her cremated remains back I put the bear on the top of the urn and there it has stayed for me to see and remember ..
I took it up to gramps a few days ago .
for him to hold or just have it around him ..
The first night he picked it up and tossed it off his lap ..
I had to chuckle.
But the next night when I went for my midnight visit ..
he had it in his hands yes I took a picture ..maybe it's weird but It touched my heart and I want to always remember.
It is one special purple bear that I will always cherish.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

My Day and updates on gramps

Grandpa Ray is resting peacefully, I played tapes of christian music today to him ..while he is sleeping most of the time ..he opened his eyes slightly while I held his hand ,swaying it with the music ,whispering to him that we are dancing. I knew some of the words to some of the songs ..only song I knew every word was amazing grace so I quietly sang it to him as we "danced" I spent a few hours with him this afternoon ..The Chaplain Terry came in and he prayed with us again ..he was also there yesterday and I shared my journey with my grandparents with him and Mary the hospice social worker and Peggy the hospice nurse ..they are truly amazing people, I feel blessed to be able to share our journey with them with all its twists and turns ..lessons and love and so many things that have come full circle. How taking care of my grandparents have changed my life in such a positive way. I truly am blessed not to just have taken care of them over these years but to have fallen in love with them.

Yesterday was such a profound day ...filled with such love. When I got home from my day I got a phone call from my dad's doctor ..a test they ran a few days ago on a growth on my dad's neck is a non aggressive form of skin cancer. Next week we are having it removed ..and everything should be fine. I didn't fully explain to my dad just that they need to remove the whole growth. thinking that would be enough explanation for now ...but as soon as I left he asked my mom if he had skin cancer. My mother told him well they just want to remove it before it turns to skin cancer we lied, but it's for the best right now. I know my father he will freak out and think his life is over he has cancer ..we are hoping to avoid the depression he falls into when the doctors give us not so good news about his conditions. I hope he just does not worry and let's me worry and take care of things ..Like I always do.

Today was another busy busy day ..running mom all over town getting things done ..while on the phone with medcure answering everything I could about grandpa so that we can donate his organs after death to research in hopes that someday maybe a cure of some sort can be made by the researchers who will study his organs. After they cremate him and return him to us I can have him and grams together forever... While we always talked about end of life care for them ..I never thought to ask what I should do with the ashes later nor did they say what they wanted for a while I plan to keep them close and some day in the future take them to a place they loved to visit up north where there is a log cabin chapel in the woods that I even went to as a kid. it was one of their favorite places and one of my fondest memories of traveling with them when I was little... everything now is in place ..when the time comes I can just spend my time with him ..making sure he knows he is loved and not alone...

When I got mom home I noticed one of her cats outside ..laying on the ground ..for one shes never that far from the house and two she just didn't look right I walked over to pick her up and she had a really infected ear I called my vet from my cell phone and took her right in ..gosh it never is dull around here huh? lol anyway they drained her ear and gave her meds to help ..she should be better soon that's good I am glad I caught it before it could have got worse.

Now I am home ..let Dave see my face lol making dinner then maybe a hot bath ..a quick nap then back to sit with gramps for a while ..check who's his aid tonight and then maybe sleep ..John is off tonight ..gona miss him. He is such a good helper for gramps and all of his residents. Gona have to do something special for all these wonderful people after this is all over ..but what to do? how do you say thank you for loving and caring about my grandpa and about my family ..these same people every day ask about my Dad ..such wonderful people I have met through grandpa's care ..I am so blessed.

Monday, November 15, 2010

revisit some older blogs

With everything going on I wanted to share some older blogs
these are from my old blog I used when my Grand Mother passed away
now with grandpa in his final days in this world
I wanted to revisit them
find comfort in them...


One year ago this week ..
I called hospice to help stop my grandmothers pain..
Looking back today it was the most Faithful act in my life far
when you come to that moment ..when you have to make that decision
you have no choice but to act in faith ..
I struggled with the choice ..I questioned ..I Prayed
but in that moment ..
I had to depend on my Faith ..and in my grandmothers wishes
I faced my fear ..
I faced my anger ..
I faced my selfish wants
I faced my pain
I faced facts
and acted in faith
Many times over this year I have felt times of question
wondering if God understood ..
in these times of wonder ...I have been shown my answer
a bible passage ..
a friend ...
my church pasture..
my grandfather ..
my grandmother's things appearing out of place
Hearing her now still saying .."your my angel "
a reader whom gave me several messages from her and my Nana
whom returned to me a piece of the past that touched my heart
and validation of those messages only Grams and Nana could give ..
A year ago I never knew if I would have peace in my heart ..
I can tell you today ..I have peace in my heart in so many area's of my life ..
I was truly given such a gift in the experience
it made me more faithful ..well maybe not more faithful...
more like I finally understood what it really was ..
to just depend on faith ..nothing more ..
and to realize I had it ...I had faith
and through her dying experience my faith in the after life was confirmed over and over again
I had always questioned my strength..ever since my Nana passed when I was a kid..
in a lot of ways the reasons for my choices to even care for my grandmother was because of her.
I couldn't take care of her ..I couldn't make her better ..I was a kid
As a kid when she passed I couldn't say good bye ..I was to scared of what I saw in that hospital room
I always regretted not being able to voice the words ..
I love you Nana
I asked my mother to tell her for me ..
But in all this I was able to see my strength..
I was able to say ..Good bye Grandma ...I love you ..
Tell Nana Marie I love her ..
Some how in this whole experience I was able to forgive the child in me who was not strong enough..
I was able to come to terms with not only my Grandmothers death ..but my Nana's too..
While I knew from the beginning that this experience would change me forever ..
I truly never could have imagined healing all the wounds I held from childhood.
I truly never could have imagined I would find peace within my self ..

Aug 20, 2007

Grandma’s passing
In late October of last year I called in hospice care to help relieve Grandma's pain
While I was against the thought of doing so, Knowing the outcome would mean her passing. I could no longer sit aside and watch her in such pain it would have been weak and selfish of me not to take the steps to help ease her pain. We had talked openly before the pain was this bad and I knew her wishes was not to be in pain for me to help the doctors stop the pain. I very much battled to do what was right even though I felt God should be in control.I didn't see at first he always was..
When her pain started to ease which took high levels of pain meds and she smiled at me and said no pain pain anymore ..your my angel and smiled

I knew that I had done the right thing and that God was on this path with me whispering in my ear and giving me strength I never knew I had. In the first few days she was feeling no pain while she didn't have an apatite she did have many moments of pain free reflection with me ..grandpa and her helpers. Three days into the treatments her pain at ease she awake to see all her helpers gathered around her. I had not called them but they where all there while we talk and tell "millie" stories

She awoke to ask me Lorri am I dying? a quiet shock came over everyone's faces .as I bent down to place my face closer to hers so I could look her in the eyes
I told her with every strength I could gather I said I believe so Grams but I am not God ..I cant tell you everything I said in those next moments when I finished she smiled at me then said what a beautiful way to die. I looked up to see everyone in the room in tears Peace over took the room she loved so much

See I had filled her room with colored lights and inspirational and christian music cds played 24 hours a day..she had soft lighting in the room for us to see but the room glowed from with in I had many of my crystals laying about area's of the bedroom and on her lap every moment of the day sat a purple beanie baby I gave her when she became so sick. Clear quartz crystal lay within her palm..Angels and her favorite teddy bears positioned just as she would have wanted.A place for grandpa to spend his final moments with the love of his life ..and the two hummingbirds on her closet doors above her "the sign from above" she was in the right place when she called this house ..home.
We spent 6 days caring for her I was there pretty much twenty four hour's a day ..even though I had her wonderful helpers here I had to be there ..when it was time.I called in Pastors and spiritualist they read scripture and Prayer for Grandma.They where kind to me and allowed me to cry, allowed me to feel any way I needed to feel at any given moment.For them and my friends I will forever be grateful. I helped cleans grams aura and get her ready for her passing. We talked openly and honestly her final days in her awaken moments..and when I needed to do things for her that I knew would be uncomfortable I would talk to her telling her how sorry I was that I had no choice ..when I needed her reinsurance she would supply it ..saying it's ok angel
the day before she died ..just me and brenda in the room she seemed aggravated so we tried to calm her best we could ..when this fragile old women decides to try to lunge forward in bed and yells Jesus WAIT! brenda and I looked at each other and laughed inspite of ourselves ..I said GrandMa! you don't take your Body to heaven! brenda and I both laughed as we laid her back into bed.The next twenty four hours was the hardest grandpa was so sad and I was so tired I can barely remember now much of what went on..but the morning she passed away I was there no helpers just me 4 :30 am I gave her, her meds one last time. I washed her up and changed her night gown to the favorite purple one she loved so much. I laid her cross on her lap and her beanie baby still sat right on her lap.I brushed her hair putting in her favorite butterfly clips and I sat alone in her room ..I did all the talking that morning her breathing was very shallow and her time was almost gone..I sat holding her hand telling her it was time to go ..that I would take care of grandpa now..

I released her I believe then ..

till then I kept holding on but in that quiet calm of the morning I knew I had to let go ..
I went out of her room around 5:45 am and sat on the couch and cried myself to sleep didnt seem long but at 6:30 am I heard a voice say good by and I awake to find myself running down the hallway to her room I passed gramps door he was up too ..he started to follow me when I stopped told him to let me check on her first and I'll call you in and a little bit .He complied and went back to his room when I entered the room I already knew my grandma was gone. My medical side took over and I did the things I needed to do and then the grand daughter side came out and as I said my goodbyes I cried and held her hand..and Prayed for her.

I went out and went to call my dad..Then I told grandpa she was gone ...I had cleaned her all up and she lay peacefully in her room ..grandpa spent time with her said his final goodbyes and then came out to greet my father.My father went in shortly and then he and my grand father left the house while I waited alone for the visiting nurse and the funeral home I had prearranged to come to the house when time.I made phone calls and let everyone know she was gone..the nurse came and went ..then the funeral home came and they helped me by removing her rings.I just couldn't do that.They took her body away and I went home for a short while sat and cried and knew my life was forever changed I sat and cried I relized then I had really grown to love her so much wouldn't be the same now

but the experience I will never forget nor regret.

Even her favorite rose bushes knew what was coming...
outside their front door was a wondering rose bush my grand mother loved so much. She would bless the bushes,cut them back ,tie them up ...she gave them life. When they first moved in the bush was nearly dead but when grams moved in the bushes every year got bigger and fuller. This years roses where just amazing the branches reached for the sky and the roses bloomed on every branch. She was so proud..and it was so beautiful.

It's been almost a year since grandma passed..

the rose bushes she cherished so much..
I still see her so proudly pruning and blessing them every year..
Well They didn't bloom this year..
Guess she took them to heaven with her..
I am not surprised..

~Thank you God for leading me down this path~

rest in peace grandma Millie
Oct 30 2006

Friday, November 12, 2010

Grandpa Ray

Tuesday Nov 9th Spent hours yesterday at the hospital with grandpa, he has a raging infection that his body can not fight. He is now in a coma like state. Hospice care starts today ..we had to make some hard choices for his care, keeping his wants in mind. Grandpa never wanted anything done to prolong his life, he made that perfectly clear along with my grandma, who passed years back on her terms. They are treating him with heavy antibiotics to help him fight the infection but the doctors really don't feel that he can recover from this ..this time. Time will only tell if he is able to make a rebound. And while I want to give these antibiotics a chance to work ..I hate that he is in the hospital ..I want him here in richmond with us at the nursing home ..where I can visit anytime ..stay as long as I want and he would be around the people who have cared for him .. and grown to love "uncle Ray" at his nursing home. My only wishes are that he feels no pain and that he is surrounded by people who love him. I made a promise to my grandma and I intend on keeping that promise. Today will be filled with phone calls and decisions. I wish I could split myself in two and be there with grandpa and still do everything I need to do for mom and dad. I went home last night and slept most of the night but my dream world revolved around everything going on so ..I don't feel I slept at all mind is racing. The hardest part of everything last night was seeing my dads face when he saw grandpa, I had no choice but to take him there to sign papers and make choices with me ..I begged him to just not go in and wait for doctors ..but my dad wanted to see for himself. It broke my heart to hear dad say ohh my buddy is going to die huh Lorri? Seeing the fear and pain in his face knowing its not just about grandpa but his own fears for his own passing. I only let him stay a few minutes when grandpa started choking and gasping for breath I had to get my dad out of there ..he does not need to see this ..hell I don't want to see this but I don't internalize it to think about myself my dad does. It's understandable at his age and all of his own health issues. So I am also concerned if grandpa pulls thru will he lose his bed at the nursing many questions many choices to make ..I know God will lead me just as he did when I had to make these choices for grandma. I wanna give the meds a chance to do what the can do ..but I want to see him back home where he is loved and cared for in his final days not some hospital where nobody but me knows grandpa. I am waiting on calls now to see when I should or if I even can move him back to his nursing home and have hospice take over his care there. So many questions I give him time at the hospital to see if meds help? and take the chance that he passes away there ..alone? they wont let me stay there with him and I can't stay there with him I need to be home here in richmond for mom and dad and if grandpa was here too I could do everything I need to do ..the hospital is only 35 minutes away but it feels far away when I have so many things and people who depend on me here. I pray these hopes and wishes all play out for him ..I want him to be surrounded by love ..every person who passes away I wish would /could be surrounded by love. If it's in my power to give that last gift to him ..I will

Update Thursday Nov 11

Today Grandpa came home to his nursing home this afternoon, where he is surrounded by the people who love him ..and he is at rest just knowing he is back in his own bed with his "Girls". taking care of him. The lights in his room have been dimmed and music is playing softly in his room ...and Hospice nurses are making sure he is not in pain.

On my way to the hospital this morning, I got a phone call from his doctor at the hospital letting me know exactly what happen to grandpa Ray..and I am still shocked at some of their findings ...

Grandpa ray has Leukemia, probably has had it for many many years. It was in his medical records dating back long before I took over his care. I was never aware of this condition but I know now that even my grandmother most likely knew. But because grandpa Ray for the most part was healthy his doctors here never addressed it or brought it up to me. But the nursing home doctors have known all along ..yet I didn't. Well the Leukemia makes his immune system weakened this infection being so bad , his body is unable to fight it. His body is in septic shock from E coli most likely from feces that found it's way into his body through a open sore or through his urinary track, which happens to many elderly with incontinence issues. Normally an antibiotic can take care of this ..but with grandpa's leukemia and not showing signs of an infection till very late in the infection he just can't fight it this time. The infection has entered most his organs and they are slowly shutting down. And while in the hospital he was in a coma like state ..when I would visit grandpa would respond to me even talk with me I believe for the most part he was shutting his caregivers there out and going to a place in his mind where he could just be left alone. Once back home to his bed at the nursing home he is now responding to his usual nurses just as he does for me. Grandpa used to do the same thing when living with me when he would get mad ..almost like a meditative state. While he is sleeping most the time ..he will respond to our voices when asked questions and when we say his name. He even said hello to my dad today when I asked him too. Tonight I sat with him a while alone in his room ..and we had a good talk about what is happening to him and that waiting for him is grandma and his mom and dad who he was very close to. He kept looking over my shoulder saying yeah she is waiting...and while nobody was there that I could see ..I know someone was there with him waiting for him to go home with them. I spoke to him about grandma and the end of her life, reminding him about the love and care she was given in her final days. I assured him that I would and others would be there to surround him with love too in his final days ..I assured him that I would be okay and that I would take good care of my Dad and Mom and that I wouldn't have changed a thing about our journey together. That I loved him and that these past 8 years have been a wonderful blessed experience and I thanked him for letting me be a part of his life.

While we have no idea how long this process will be ..I know that I have done everything I could. I am keeping my promises to him and grandma by doing everything I could to keep them healthy and well taken care of ..and now by making his passing something calm, respectful and loving. I will miss him when he goes home to be with grandma but my life has been enriched by the experience and the love I have for them them both...

Monday, September 13, 2010

good old days 2010 my thoughts

To the outside world
it's just a small town fair
but to those whom don't have a summer memory, without it
it means so much more then you can imagine
every sight and smell brings back memories
as you walk through the fair ..
your eyes glance from side to side
the flashing lights
the sounds of the rides
the sounds of the people
the smell's of the midway
and suddenly you are taken back to a time and place
for you this fair... is just a fair
for us this is a right of passage

Returning every year
it's as if you as you walk down that midway
you get to see glimpses of your self along the way
every sight and sound brings back memories
every event, while exciting for everyone..
For us ..
it is a part of who we are ..
Where we came from .
Remembering as young children and our parents taking us to the fair
Then the first time your parents trusted you enough to go explore it on your own
When as teenager's you walked down the midway holding the hand of the person you love
memories of that young love ...still linger there.
Like pieces of your heart and soul belongs to this place
or maybe we owe them to this place ..

I remember being little and sitting on my Dads shoulders, to see over the crowd
I remember him laughing and engaging me in the sights and sounds
always making sure I had so much fun ..
Today I helped my 75 year old father walk to his seat
spent the day making sure he had a good time..
engaging him in the sights and sounds of today
While I was watching his reactions to the people and parade ..
I know I am so blessed
This place makes memories..
ones that we will forever cherish
memories with Mom and Dad ..
memories with friends and fun as teenagers
and memories of that special person, who back then, you went to the fair ..just to see.
memories you made with your children ..their first rides ..their first parade
making it a right of passage in their lives
in our own families
memories with the person you have beside you now
it's every experience over a life time of going to the fair
when you look around , you see all these kids and teenagers, parents
are making those same memories now..
Running into old friends ..
connecting even just for a moment something wonderful
nothing will ever change here... at the fair
makes me wonder how my dad saw things today
he has been bringing his children here for over 40 years
Now his daughter brings him here ..
I know it must be the same for him ..
pieces for himself will always be there the fair
cherished memories
so see it's more then.. just a fair
it's a time to reflect and a time to cherish our past and present and those we love
it's our right of passage's a part of who we become's something we can pass on
and that is where, if you look at it ..really look closely at the experience
You will see the true magic of our little fair..

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Dear Friend

I feel you have worked very hard to make changes in your self
the journey of your life,
even at a young age was to rebuild ..your broken foundation

Our foundation is ..our inner core being
I believe with you...
your foundation was damaged
as a child ..some form of abuse you hide from most
this early abuse physical or mental or both
damaged your inner being ..your foundation as I call it
and I believe that since this early childhood abuse you have been fighting
to fix what is broken within
when our foundations are broken and we build on them
what happens?

Would you build a brand new home on a broken or cracked foundation?
nobody would ..
but we do ...when it comes to our lives
and we usually choose people who have their own broken foundation
because in some way they understand us
or because we think we can fix them ..
when the truth is that we can't fix anyone ..but our selves
and while I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason
we do take wrong turns ..make bad choices that have long lasting effects on our lives
we do these more often when we have "cracked foundations"
we draw people in that are like our abusers and not even know we are doing it
maybe they sense that weakness in us
maybe we draw them in .. maybe both

But till we learn...
that we need to fix whats broken within us
before we allow anyone else in ..
sometimes we go through many relationships ..jumping from one to the next
sometimes we are stuck in one and we see no way out once we are in it.
But the truth is we always have a choice
there is always another door available to us
we are just to broken to have faith in that other door
behind that door in our minds is darkness
only because we don't know what's there in that darkness
we lack faith in our selves
even in relationships that are abusive.. we have options
our fear keeps us there..
and maybe while these relationships are bad for us
the reason we find ourselves there is really not about the relationship at all
because when we are in seems to me is when we seek knowing ourselves so much more
we seek a higher understanding more frequently when we can't understand where we are at.
So seekers search out to anything they can work on ..within them selves
somewhere inside we know there is a root to all our problems
and it starts with what's within us
we may try to better ourselves
we may try to find a spiritual connection with our God and Universe
and in other area's of our lives we just learn to accept .. to conform
because frankly ..we are not whole enough yet to do something about it
but at some point on our inner journey of learning
we wake up one day and look inside ourselves to find ourselves in a better place
we have greater understanding of ourselves
we look around at the mess we have around us
things we just let be ..for far to long
conform will no longer work
you will now resent the people who you have conformed too
we may even try to reform the person
try to talk to them ..
make them understand things need to change for you to be whole
You may work hard at trying to make things work
but the truth is you can't fix what is broken within them.

If they are not what you need when you are at your lowest
they will not be what you need when you are more balanced

To continue to grow and change you will need to make a move
make a change ..
sometimes walk away
someone who truly loves you for all the right reasons
will see the changes in you ..embrace all the changes in you
and your change will bring about their own personal growth
they wouldn't want you to conform
they would want to grow together in life
understanding everything that means ...
it's ups and down's
they would work within to be a better person
not only for themselves, but because you deserve that type of person in your life
but many times the people we are with are not at this place
at the same time we are..some may never be and we know that.
At that point we must just walk away when the relationship becomes toxic to our personal growth
This is never easy is going to be the biggest challenge you will face with your new inner self
Have you done the work needed to take on this next challenge?
I believe you have
but what I believe does not matter ...
what do you believe?
are you strong enough now to face this next step in your personal growth?
only you can answer these things
only you can seek the other door's provided to you
can you grow further in the "place" you are right now ..the answer is always Yes
can you grow further in the relationships in your life?
the ones you can should keep and continue to work on
but those ones you can't are only holding you back from your next step in your personal growth.

along our journey in finding us ..we heal our broken foundations
we have many spiritual awakenings along the way
some times we move forward in leaps and bounds
some times we move forward slowly taking small steps along our path
sometimes we fall back and have to revisit something we already learned from
it's all part of our inner growth

only you can answer where you go from here
your need for growth in yourself will not stop
you may avoid it or ignore all the signs shown where change needs to take place
but I assure you ...they will not stop coming
and when your strong enough in mind and spirit
you will then have no choice anymore then to make a change

So surround yourself with positive influences
reach out and ask for help along the way
ready yourself for the changes coming
prepare yourself
because some day soon your need to be you and all that details
You will be stronger then anything holding you back
be smart careful aware
but never stop your journey of personal growth
for any other person

I am praying and pulling for you my friend
I know in the right time and the right place within yourself
you will find the strength to make any choices you need to in your future.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

todays thoughts

I really don't know
if...I feel anger or pity

I am angry that "some" people honestly believe that...
if you don't have children and never have grand children in your life...
that you really have less of a life ..
that your less stressed or less busy..
then they are
because of the lack of a family ?

I pity them
because this attitude just make them look..
so self absorbed ..that they don't even understand what they truly have..

So to them I say ..
Yes you are right ...

I don't have children
I will never have grand children
I will never know what feeling that fills ones soul and heart ..
when their child says mommy for the first time ..
I will never know what holding your child's hand as they cross the street feels like .
I will never know what pride and love fills ones heart when their child takes their first steps in life a toddler ..a teenager adult
I will never experience with them ..their first day of school ..their first date ...first time driving a car
I will never know the heart ache of their first ouchy
their first tumble of their bike
their first broken heart
I will not ever know what it feels like to make it feel better most of the time..
Just by being Mom
I will never watch my children grow and learn
and explore and achieve and fail
I will never feel the pain and helplessness being a parent can feel like from time to time
I will never watch my daughter make mistakes
I will never be able to help guide her into being a stronger woman
I will never see my son grow into a man
seeing his father in his ways
I will never hold my first grand child just moments after she came into the world
I will never be able to buy my grandchildren all kinds of gifts and spoil them rotten
I will never be able to take time out of my life and watch my grand children so my daughters or sons can go to work without worry that something bad could happen in a daycare
I will never be able to tire myself out running after said grandchildren
I will never laugh and live and love every second of my time with my grandchildren
As I age and become elderly I will never have my great grand children come visit me
I will never have a daughter or a Son take care of me and my needs
I will not have someone I love ... holding my hand when I take my last breath and say good bye to this world
I will not have my family honor me and talk about me for the rest of their lives
I will not have my recipes made every holiday long after I am gone
I will not be someone's angel in heaven, that watches over them their whole life

what's really sad ..
you use these wonderful things as an excuse to treat others as if they are less then you
you should look at all these wonderful moments as the gifts in your life ..
It's what makes all the bullshit in life worth it !!!
but you look at it as a chore ..complaining about it an excuse not to have the time for anyone else . even if that anyone else is your own parents
an excuse to be selfish with your time and effort with anyone else but your made family
You used your time with all of these wonderful things in your life as an excuse
a reason to complain about your sister who has no life because she doesn't have kids ..she will never have grand kids .. and in your mind .. don't have a clue

I have a clue ..
I am well aware of all the things I miss out on in this life
I didn't choose to be childless
But I do have a life ..
I find my inspiration in different places in my life
I find other wonderful things in this life that are gifts to that make all the bullshit worth it
it doesn't make my life any less stressful .does not make my life any less busy.

While I don't get to walk down the same path you have

I have a path of my own and God knew that I was special .
I don't need a child or grandchildren to make me "someone" ..
I don't need children or grandchildren to give me purpose ..
to give me strength I didn't think I have ..
I am strong all on my own and in my spirit

And I know ..God, ...He knew that I would find all those wonderful blessed moments in life in the other places he placed them in...
so he never worried ..even when I did
Maybe just maybe someday you might get that ..
and open your eyes to what I see

Remember if God had a path for you
trust that he had a path for me too
even if its not a path you have ever seen

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

need to vent

While making sure Dad has his part seems to be so so important to you
well sorry but it's not that important to me
you are asked to do one thing ..find a part
yet again its dumped into my lap to do this ..get this ..get that
WTF seriously believe it or not I could care less about his lawn mower
and the truth is when the part does come
who do you think will have to take time out of their lives to fix the tractor needing a part?
we will
Did you know dad took a nasty fall again working on this tractor
Just as he starts to feel better another fall
bending his glasses and hurting his bad hand ...again
It is a battle to keep his CHF under control
it's a battle to keep him on the right track with all of his health issues
I battle to keep him as healthy as possible to keep him out of the hospital
and when he is in the hospital ?? who sits there day after day taking care of everything?
is it you?
NO it's me and if its selfish for me to want to keep him healthy and at home so I can still live my life with helping him as much as I can..
well then I am just a selfish bitch!!
They asked you for one thing
Let me fill you in on what I do ..what we do
every week ..drop by pick up their mail ..bring them anything they need from the store
in between shopping trips which generally take 5 hours to complete if I take them to the market with me
every monday gather and bag up and take out their garbage.

Dad has many doctors to keep him healthy
generally we visit one doctor every week ..
but when he is sick
we have 2 or 3 appointments in a week
every week there is something extra needs to be done
either I or Dave need to go over
for example few weeks ago dad didn't have the strength to get off his mower alone
so Dave went over and helped him off the tractor
this is sometimes a weekly event ..daily .. something always comes up
we need to drop everything and go help them and we do without complaint
Unless he does something he knows he shouldn't be doing
see what he don't get and maybe you don't either
is that when he gets hurt ..who has more to take care of? is it you? NO it's me
We go over and clean when he is feeling bad
because if we don't takes us hours to clean
when he's sick I bring all his laundry home every week and wash it all
I have even brought home all his dirty dishes so I can wash them all and return them
All winter long we do the same thing cause their pipes freeze
and that's just normal everyday needs
lets mention the times that he has mom call cause he wants and needs something
that could be gas for his lawn mower to he needs something from the store
like the trip to port huron to buy a chain saw ...he can't even use..just cause it was on sale
every 3 days we have to make sure to pick up the mail
have to drop off all their bills at the post office on the way home
take care of any banking they need done
run over and plant this or plant that
run over and stop and grab this or that on my way
get phone calls dad don't feel well come by and check on him
and 90 % of the time its something he's done that he shouldn't have done in the first place
but YES I do all these things case I love them
But I also demand that I am allowed to have my own life too
and while what I do with my life and time may not be important sounding to you
when I get a phone call saying your sister wants you to bring dad a copy of this fucking tractor part so she can order it
YOU could have mailed mom and dad a chart ..two days after called them and got the info you needed ..YOU didn't have to depend on me for just another thing
I have enough to deal with ..DON'T YOU THINK?
every day its a battle ..DO U NOT GET THIS?
I know you don't see dad ..have no idea
but he is not the guy he was when you left here
he can barely walk without assistance even with his cane that he uses all the time now
for the last couple months he can't even put on his shoes without help
or get up from a seated position without help
I get to play middle man between mom and dads arguments
I have to talk to dad about the serious things he faces with his health
I have to help calm his worries and answer the same questions over and over
yet he does what he wants cause he is DAD
This summer was spent ..working in their yard their house
making sure he stays healthy ..
and everything in between .
its on me ..
OH yes as you must be thinking I choose this
and YES I do choose to help our parents through all these things
I am lucky and blessed to have the relationship I do with them
BUT you don't seem to have a clue
and frankly I am tired of waiting for you both to get it .
I think I do enough
my whole life is about them
I don't go anywhere without them knowing where I am
I do not travel more then an hour away
so that if there is an emergency I can get back here quickly
YOU are freaking clueless and maybe its time you get a clue
So just do one thing for your parents
if they ask something from you .
just take care of it for them
Don't add more to my to do list..
cause I am doing my part
are you?

so wanted to update this real quick
before I leave to run dad to the hospital
the truth about his fall has come to light
in the last 15 minutes
the fall..
well was not a fall at all
Dad passed out ..harold said for 10 minutes
he was out ..did harold run and get help?
NO he waited to see if dad would come too
and thank God he did
so now I had to get an emergency appointment for him
which I just know will lead to going back to the hospital
spending hours there waiting for answers
this is just what happens every week ..sometimes daily in my life
and yet YOU can't even get him a freaking part on your own

while I am dealing with this now
so have some fucking patients ..
is this guy selling these parts gona close up shop?
I think not ..
it is so not my priority .

Sunday, August 1, 2010

here we are again

I know I have not written in a long while
maybe my way to avoid
avoid repeating myself
repeating things I feel
but I feel I need to write this out
maybe then my spirit can let it go
and my body can stop reacting to it
Thursday night I was feeling fine
Then that all changed
at first it was just a feeling of somethings wrong
not physically effecting me yet
just a feeling of sadness coming
I brace myself ..
never knowing if it's my sadness coming
or someone else I have connected too
Friday afternoon comes
and I physically start to feel sick
my stomach is hurting to the point I just can't stand it
I am feeling sadness
I am feeling off balanced
nothing I do is making me feel any better
people that are around me
ask me whats wrong
I excuse everything away with maybe I have a bug
just need to take it easy and I will be fine
but I am not fine ..I feel overwhelmed
I feel sick to my stomach
I have continued to feel this way all weekend
even this morning ...
I am still in a haze , my heart is beating faster then usual
I avoid the real world pretty much all weekend
spending most of my time on line
laying on the couch
nursing my "bug"
Sunday after noon now and I am waking up from a nap
waking up feeling more exhausted then before I went to bed
dreams filled my mind
all of which make me feel guilty
I call them my conversations with him
yet for the most part I don't remember every detail of what we speak about
but they come and go in my life
now they are back
to be honest all weekend my dreams where active
and they had him in them
in some ways
I just wish they would stop ..
at times ..

maybe the dreams making me sick
but then the sickness started before the dreams
in any case they are not helping me kick what ever this is
So I go on line after my nap
to avoid any talking or anyone knowing
how I am feeling on the inside
even writing this now I am still avoiding talking
D asked me whats wrong
I am just not in a place to share this right now
so I avoid
I check my emails
going through the pages and pages of emails
I have been avoiding for a while
scanning through each one
looking for something
yet I have no idea what
I get through them all ..nothing there with answers
the next thing I do is go to our local online paper
I slowly move my mouse over to its listing
when I stop and feel dread
instantly my stomach begins to turn
I run to the bathroom and get sick
I clean up and run some cold water over my face
and come back to the computer and click
instantly I am drawn to the obituary section
I scroll down through the names
when a familiar name is at the bottom of the list
the name is connected to him
I click and read his uncle died Friday
my speeding heart starts to slow
I take a deep breath and just sit here ..
saddened for his family
they have suffered another loss of someone they love
I am so sorry for that
They are in my thoughts and prayers
Maybe now that I know what is happening
my physical body will stop reacting to the energy
but my heart will continue to ache for them,
for him
and I am left to sit here from a far
praying and sending them love and light
Physically I am already feeling better
it was validation to why I feel things.. the way I do
Validation usually puts my spirit back in balance
But I just hate that I feel these things at all...
at times
wondering why I feel ..yet don't know what they are
wondering why I still after all these years still have this connection to him
I guess that is something I will never know ..

Rest in Peace Alan where always Good to me
My Thoughts and Prayers go out to your loved ones.