Thursday, December 24, 2009

I found true love online !!!!




Christmas Day 2005
I am searching online
I come across this pet site
I love dogs so I took a peak
I am searching pages and pages of adorable adoptable pets
when I come across the one ..
a itty bitty baby with big Paws and floppy ears
Her name was Chubs and she was in need of a home before it was to late
It's Christmas day ..but I call anyway
The next day I drove 4 hours to pick her up
She is thin
dirty and smelly
But when I pick her up she licks my cheek
The place that called it's self a rescue
was nothing more then a puppy mill
Puppies stacked in cages
I wanted to take them all home
I signed the papers
made sure to get a card
The next day I called and reported the lady
only thing I could do to help the rest
within days Chubs had started to perk up
showing her personality
She was small but had big Paws
which made it hard to keep her balance
So I renamed her
Gracie
because she is anything but graceful
who names a girl dog Chubs anyway
She is now 100 lbs of Love and affection
she is my protector
she is my constant companion
She has many nick names
smoochy face
Kissing bandit
baby girl
She is Love
and she is loved.
I can truly say I found true love online!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

lessons I have learned

When it is Real love
the Memories
the Love ..
lasts Forever
Even when their Gone from Sight.

Friday, October 30, 2009

journal entry Oct /2007

This is a journal entry a year after she passed
I wanted to share it here
it took me a year
to be able to write about it..

In late October of last year
I called in hospice care to help relieve Grandma's pain
While I was against the thought of doing so
Knowing the outcome would mean her passing.
I could no longer sit aside and watch her in such pain
it would have been weak and selfish
of me not to take the steps to help ease her pain.
We had talked openly before the pain was this bad
and I knew her wishes was not to be in pain for me to help the doctors stop the pain.
I very much battled to do what was right
even though I felt God should be in control.
I didn't see at first he always was..
When her pain started to ease which took high levels of pain meds..
she smiled at me and said no pain Lorri..
no..no pain anymore ..your my angel and smiled and drifted off to sleep

I knew that I had done the right thing and that God was on this path with me whispering in my ear and giving me strength
I never knew I had.
In the first few days she was feeling no pain while she didn't have an appetite
she did have many moments of pain free reflection with me ..grandpa and her helpers. Three days into the treatments her pain at ease she awake to see all her helpers gathered around her.
I had not called them but we all gathered there that night
they where all there while we talk and tell "Millie" stories

She awoke to ask me ..
Lorri am I dying?
a quiet shock came over everyone's faces .
as I bent down to place my face closer to hers
so I could look her in the eyes
I told her with every strength I could gather
I said I believe so Grams but I am not God ..
I can't tell you everything I said in those next moments
all I know is that when I was finished
she smiled at me then said
what a beautiful way to die.
I looked up to see everyone in the room in tears..

Peace over took the room she loved so much

I had filled her room with colored lights and inspirational and christian music cds played 24 hours a day..
she had soft lighting in the room for us to see but the room glowed from within.
I had many of my crystals laying about area's of the bedroom
on her lap every moment of the day sat a purple beanie baby I gave her when she became so sick.
Clear quartz crystal lay within her palm..Angels and her favorite teddy bears positioned just as she would have wanted.
A place for grandpa to spend his final moments with the love of his life ..and the two hummingbirds on her closet doors above her "the sign from above" she was in the right place when she called this house ..home.
We spent 6 days caring for her I was there pretty much twenty four hour's a day
even though I had her wonderful helpers there
I had to be there ..
when it was time.I called in Pastors and spiritualist they read scripture and Prayer for Grandma.They where kind to me
and allowed me to cry, allowed me to feel any way I needed to feel at any given moment.For them and my friends I will forever be grateful. I helped cleans grams aura and get her ready for her passing. We talked openly and honestly her final days in her awaken moments..and when I needed to do things for her that I knew would be uncomfortable
I would talk to her telling her how sorry I was that I had no choice
when I needed her reinsurance she would supply it ..

saying it's okay angel

the day before she died ..
just me and Brenda in the room she seemed aggravated so we tried to calm her best we could ..when this fragile old women decides to try to lunge forward in bed and yells Jesus WAIT!
Brenda and I looked at each other and laughed ..
I said Grandma! you don't take your Body to heaven!
Brenda and I both laughed as we laid her back into bed.
The next twenty four hours was the hardest
grandpa was so sad
and I was so tired I can barely remember now much of what went on..
but the morning she passed away
I was there no helpers just me ..at 4 :30 am I gave her, her meds one last time.
I washed her up and changed her night gown to the favorite purple one she loved so much.
I laid her cross on her lap
and her beanie baby still sat right on her lap.
I brushed her hair putting in her favorite butterfly clips and I sat alone in her room ..
I did all the talking that morning her breathing was very shallow and her time was almost gone..I sat holding her hand telling her it was time to go ..
that I would take care of grandpa now..

I went out of her room around 5:45 am and sat on the couch and cried myself to sleep it didn't seem long but at 6:30 am I heard a voice say goodbye ..
I knew
I awake
find myself running down the hallway to her room ..
as I passed Gramp's door he was up too ..
he started to follow me when I stopped told him to let me check on her first and I'll call you in and a little bit .
He complied and went back to his room
when I entered the room I already knew my grandma was gone.
My medical side took over and I did the things I needed to do

and then the grand daughter side came out and as I said my goodbyes I cried and held her hand..and Prayed for her.

I went out and went to call my dad..Then I told grandpa she was gone ...
I had cleaned her all up and she lay peacefully in her room ..
grandpa spent time with her said his final goodbyes and then came out to greet my father.
My father went in shortly and then he and my grand father left the house while I waited alone for the visiting nurse and the funeral home
I had prearranged to come to the house when time.
I made phone calls and let everyone know she was gone..the nurse came and went
then the funeral home came and they helped me by removing her rings.
I just couldn't bring myself to do that.
They took her body away and I went home for a short while sat and cried

knew my life was forever changed again...
as I sat and cried I realized then I had really grown to love her so much ..

life wouldn't be the same now

but the experience I will never forget nor regret.



Even her favorite rose bushes knew what was coming...
outside their front door was a big rose bush, my grand mother loved so much. She would bless the bushes,cut them back ,tie them up ...she gave them life. When they first moved in the bush was nearly dead but when grams moved in the bushes every year got bigger and fuller. This years roses where just amazing the branches reached for the sky and the roses bloomed on every branch. She was so proud..and it was so beautiful.

It's been almost a year since grandma passed..

the rose bushes she cherished so much..
I still see her so proudly pruning and blessing them every year..
Well They didn't bloom this year..
Guess she took them to heaven with her..
I am not surprised..

Thursday, October 29, 2009

three years ago this week

It was three years ago this week.
I called hospice to help stop my grandmothers pain..
Looking back today it was the most Faithful act in my life ...so far
when you come to that moment ..
when you have to make that decision
you have no choice but to act in faith ..
I struggled with the choice ..
I Questioned ..
I Prayed
but in that moment ..
I had to depend on my Faith ..
and in my grandmothers wishes
I faced my fear ..
I faced my anger ..
I faced my selfish wants
I faced my pain
I faced facts
and acted in faith
I had felt times of question that first year
wondering if God understood ..
in these times of wonder ...
I have been shown my answer
a bible passage ..
a friend ...
my church pasture..
my grandfather ..
my grandmother's things appearing out of place
Hearing her now still saying .."your my angel "
a reader whom gave me several messages from her and my Nana
whom returned to me a piece of the past that touched my heart
and validation of those messages only Grams and Nana could give ..
back then could have never knew
I would have peace in my heart now..
I can tell you today ..
I have peace in my heart in so many area's of my life
I was truly given such a gift in the experience
it made me more faithful
well maybe not more faithful...
more like I finally understood what it really was
to just depend on faith ..
and to realize I had it ...
I had faith
and through her dying experience
my faith in the after life was confirmed over and over again
I had always questioned my strength..
ever since my Nana passed when I was a kid..
in a lot of ways the reasons for my choices to even care for my grandmother was because of her.
I couldn't take care of her ..
I couldn't make her better ..
I was a kid
As a kid when she passed I couldn't say good bye ..
I was to scared of what I saw in that hospital room
I always regretted not being able to voice the words ..
I love you Nana
I asked my mother to tell her for me ..
But in all this I was able to see my strength..
I was able to say ..Good bye Grandma ...I love you ..
Tell Nana Marie I love her ..
Some how in this whole experience
I was able to forgive the child in me who was not strong enough..
I was able to come to terms with not only my Grandmothers death
but my Nana's too..
While I knew from the beginning that this experience would change me forever ..
I truly never could have imagined healing a lot of the wounds
I held from childhood.
I truly never could have imagined I would find peace within my self ..





~Thank you God for leading me down this path~

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I'm Not Who I Was Lyrics ~

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was ...


~~~
This speaks to me..

Friday, October 23, 2009

todays thoughts / yesterdays post

I been thinking about my post yesterday
and how fucked up I sounded to myself
I am angry with myself
beating myself up today
and feeling naked
it might be that when I was about hit post
D had just got home
and he asked me what you doing
I said writing in my blog
he asked what's it about
I said my feelings ..thoughts
he said oh okay..
and was content with that answer
or knew not to dig any deeper
by my short answers..

which now makes me feel like a jerk
I could probably tell him the truth
that I don't really know why
but right now this person is on my mind
somethings maybe happening with him
after all sometimes
I think I confuse my intuition about him
with the feelings about him
I tend to connect that way with some people
it's a gift I do believe
but also a curse
it makes my own emotions hard to figure out
either this is all about my emotions
or it's something happening with him
and unless I get validation from someone
I don't know which it is
so I am left to wonder
then I think about all that, as a write it
and think what must people who read this think
I really don't think I am crazy
I just think I am like everyone else
and trying to figure out my life
I just happen to write it all out
while others work things out internally
or I am just crazy lol
which ever
it's me
this is where my head it at this morning..
but it's time to let it go
intuition or feelings
does not really matter
validation either way
will come
or
not
I just have to wait and see ..

Thursday, October 22, 2009

conflicted

After all these years
I still think about you almost every day
still find you in my dreams
sometimes I wonder..
If I will ever get back the piece of my heart
you still hold

sometimes I emotionally beat myself up
about allowing myself to think about you
here I am
moved on
in every aspect of my life
but still your memory lingers
and so does my guilt
guilt for the way we ended
guilt for still wishing for a way
to be forgiven..
by you
I remember my younger life
every experience
every memory
you where there
I can't just erase you out of my memory
life would probably be easier if I could
but there's a part of me that..
wants to always remember
always feel that connection
always have that piece of my heart ...
missing
I found myself last night
wishing you would come to my dreams
so we could talk again
like we have in my dreams
maybe then somehow I could
stop the thoughts of you..
laying there in the dark
unable to sleep
wishing you come to my dream
how wrong is that..
I shouldn't want that
I shouldn't need that
it's so unfair
I am weak
I don't know how to make this all go away
it comes in phases
sometimes during these phases
I find things out about something
going on in your life
through old friends.
I don't seek it
but the insight finds me ..
and in those weeks that follow
your on my mind less and less
but right now
your here ...


I think to myself
How can I say
I am happy with my life
with who I am..
who I am with
and still think about the past
still have one foot in the past
someday I hope to be able to take that last step forward
to see the door behind me close
and be at ease with the past
I don't know how to take that step forward
I don't know if I really want too
it will never erase the past
those memories will still linger on
maybe that's what true love does
maybe that's the why

maybe I am just broken

I could never explain
my feelings
and feel good about it
to him
to the man who shares my life
the man who's there for me
been there with me through so much
my feelings
are so unfair to him
I know this..
but maybe that's is just the way it is
love the second time around ..
I don't know how to change it
sometimes I don't think you can do
a damn thing about it ..

so I live with it..
deal with my past
on my own
in my soul
write and share myself through my blogs
hoping not to be understood by the reader
but in hopes to understand more about myself

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Missing you..friend

a good friend of mine died last month
very suddenly
she was 2 years younger then me
had 5 kids all under the age of 12.
The day she died her husband left her ..
he had given her divorce papers recently and he was really moving out this time...
we where talking about her feelings about her fears through email like we had over 8 years.
I had to go to the store real quick,
while I waited for her to email back ..
sending her a...
"keep the faith"
faerie from some faerie app I use
before grabbing my keys and heading out the door.
When I came back I checked my email ..
nothing
I checked her fB page
saw she had been talking to many of her friends ..
many people giving her support and encouragement in what she faced ahead.
Which I was so happy to see ..
I was so worried about her.
The next morning word hit her face book page,
at first I thought it was a mean joke
but soon came to pass and realize she is really gone.
Within an hour of her last FB post she died.
I was in shock and scared ..
scared my friend did something to herself to be quite honest with you.
It's now been a month since she died and no word on what happen really
other then she had a seizure and died at the grocery store.
But I don't know of any history of this ..
dang I knew when she had pms and or a cold
when her and hubby where fighting
I knew when her kids where sick
I knew so much...
there is no way I wouldn't know of some disorder she had.
Her family who posted on her page seemed very shocked,
so it can't be some disorder, it seems to me they would have known she had it...
Her husband changed his fb status a few days before her death to single ...then a few days after her death to widow.
He updated her face book page ..
letting us all know of her passing and funeral arrangements ...
yet she told me he didn't have any of her passwords many times...
it's just very odd.
He is not releasing any further info on what took my friends life.
I was told about the seizure from an aunt of her's ..I emailed.
Many have asked on her fb page
what the autopsy reports are on her death.
The timing of her death is concerning to many of us I am sure.
But he is no longer responding to us...
I know it's very personal information
but we where personable friends for many year's.
A week and half after her death
he thanked all his friends and family for their support
and that he can now move on with his life...

Well I can't ..
every day I see her picture among my friends.
Every where I go, FB, mySp, yahoo, groups
every app we both played there she is ..
I removed her from my crews and yet her avatar pops up
asks me to drop her a note or send her a gift..come tell her a joke...
I don't have the heart to delete her page
Every day when I log in ..
her picture seems to always be one of the top 3 ..
the other night while joking with some friends
I searched God on face book and up come a page
when I get to the page
who's picture in in the top 3 ..
my friend.
I will probably never know what really happen ..
what took my friends life.
If it was a hidden illness or something else.
All I do know is it's hard to lay her to rest
in my heart and mind without knowing ..
without closure

I Miss you friend

Saturday, September 26, 2009

a visit from the past brings questions to myself

Ran into an old friend
one whom was my friend
when I was at my worst
when I was someone
I am not proud of
when I burned my bridges
when I didn't see what was right in front of me
when I thought the grass was greener on the other side
when I thought
I was not worthy of love
when I didn't really understand
what love was
when I was someone else
when I lived a different life

and while I have come so far
in my life
learned lessons
learned to love myself
learned what it really means to love someone
learned never to burn bridges
learned the grass is the same damn color over there
learned I am worthy of Love
learned who I was
learned who I am
learned who I want to be
.....

This old friend -stranger
still looked at me
as if I where her ..
the girl I once was
our conversation
brought everything from my past
back into my today
did she really not see me ?
hear me?
think that I could change?
think I was that same person

...
she did
I could hear it in her voice
I could see it in the way she looked at me

or was it just me?

I posed this question to myself
have I not completely forgiven myself yet?

my inner voice says no
so maybe it was me
maybe I saw in her eyes
what I choose to see
maybe the conversation
went the way it did because
that's the only connection we had
what else would we talk about
maybe if she knew me ..
now
but down deep
I know that I burned that bridge
so long ago
my life took another path
I have turned so many corners since then
I could never find my way back
I am not that person
I am nothing like that person
even though that person ..
was Me ..

Friday, September 25, 2009

seasons

The tree's here are starting to change color
the days sunny and warm
but there's a chill in the air
that chilly wind that suddenly appears from no where
nights are cold and damp
added an extra blanket to the bed
even had to turn on the heat last night
Mornings are a cold start
but by this afternoon the sun will be shinning
getting back into my fall and winter routines
which by winter will mean
a lot more online time for me lol
before long the first snow will come
while I dread the winter
to watch the snow falling on
a cold winters day is breath taking
specially when I am all cozy warm inside my house
on my laptop lol
But seriously
when I think about up coming seasons
I often wonder besides weather changes
what changes will come to my life
but I only let myself think about ..shortly
it becomes to much to think about
to overwhelming to me anyway
I learned taking care of my grandparents
to just take life one day at a time
because you can plan every little thing
every minute of everyday
but life will happen
and living in life's time line
means depending on your faith
which I do
I don't know what tomorrow might bring
but I know what ever it is
I will find a way through it all
that's what you do
so for today I will focus
on the last days of summer
and enjoy the first days of fall
and take a deep breath
and be thankful
for it all

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Goodbye "Gin"

After battling for her life
in recent months
"Gin" has gone home
to be with the Lord
She passed
peacefully
at home
Gin or as I called her Grandma W
was one of the sweetest women
I have ever met
with her small voice
and big opinions
she lived a long
and happy simple life
even when life was not always happy
"Gin" always showed her contentment with her life
always had a smile to share
in recent years..
age and illness had taken it's toll..

in the heart and soul of the family
everyone knew she was ready to go home

her husband of like forever
"Rocky" was there by her side
fighting to keep her here with us
showing us all
the stuff our Rocky is made of
even if his thinking and reactions
are one of a confused older man..
set in his ways
his beliefs are from another time
and place
while the world has changed
Rocky and Gin always just stayed
"Rocky and Gin"
the family
are all going to miss her greatly
so are her many many friends
she has made over the years.

Virginia Lee Weirauch
August 20, 2009

Friday, August 14, 2009

tears and laughter

where do I start
tears ...
my soul cries
for the person
you are
and
can be
not the little girl
you used to be
I know she is gone
my heart
aches to help the young women
you are
the soul
at battle within ..
I will be here
without judgement
just love
just with the purest of hope's
just with the purest of intentions.

somewhere along the journey
of you and me
you got the idea
that the only way
I could be happy with us
is if you lived here
but the truth in my heart
is I want you to be happy
I want you to feel balanced
I want you too be whole
I want you to dance in the spirit of yourself
I want you to be proud of you
I want you too love yourself
I want you to explore
what life has to offer you
I want you to have faith
faith in yourself
I want you to not have fear
fear that holds you back from being
all you can be in this life ..
I want your laughter
to out weigh your tears
I want you to have faith
faith in yourself
these things would make me happy
when it comes to you and me
where you live,
what you choose
the way you live you life
is all up to you
it always has been
even as a little girl
was always yours
regardless of the circumstances
my heart
my door
my life
has always been open to you
and it always will be
because
I love you
unconditionally
and I always will

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

letting go ..

It was rainy weekend
so I tackled grandpa's old room
tubs of things that where my grand mothers
still stored in the closet
I still had her purse just
as she left it
it's taken 3 years to be able to go through it all
and be able to throw things out
other things I donated to salvation army
All the paper work
from several years
I was able to shred and get rid of
the rest of grandpa's things
things he can't use anymore
need anymore
I finally got rid of
it took me most the weekend
but I got it all done
there was a few things
I just couldn't part with
I don't know if I ever will
I kept her robe
and the purple teddy bear
that laid on her lap her final days
the one that I gave her years before
the bible she read from
the one that I read from to her in her final days
along with some of my own past
stored in boxes
I was finally able to let most of it go
in the back of the closet I found a sealed box
I knew what it was
it was part of my past
a part I don't believe I will ever
be ready to let go
I have not looked in the box in years
but I know it's there
just as those memories
are always there
in the back of my mind
the box will remain in the back of the closet
I don't need the items to remember
believe me
I remember
so why do I keep them
I really don't know
I just know
I can't let them go
just like the few things I kept of grams
I just can't let them go
a few times going through
the things
I found myself in tears
it was not easy
to go through all these things
to let go of so many things
but it was time
but the few things
I couldn't part with
it's silly
they are all placed in a closet
one I don't go through very often
why can't I just let them all go
they are just things
I will always hold the memories
I don't need things to revisit the past
I just need close my eyes
but I just can't seem to let go

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

this and that

my parents other daughter
is coming to town today
she and her husband
are taking dad on a fishing trip
which worries me
he has been so weak
I hope he will be okay
I hope this trip does not make him sick
dads balance has been so bad
I hope he will be okay
taking him out on a fishing boat
I don't know if that is a good idea
but what can I do..
Its up to him
today he is having second thoughts
I am glad she wants to make these memories
doing something dad once loved
but I worry
see he gets down on him self
when he can't do things
he used to do
anything stressful
makes him have bad days
3 days away from home
I don't know
the last time she
was in town
they took him to a race
only away for a day
but for 10 days after
he was weak
tired
but I do believe he enjoyed himself
its just what happens after
when shes long gone
and I have to step in and take care of everything
so I guess
I am torn
I hope everything turns out alright
I most likely
will not see her
and that's okay with me
she got into town last night
staying with my parents other child
you may wonder why I put it that way
well that's what they are to me
there is no connection between us anymore
never really was
I have always felt like an only child
maybe the age difference
maybe the complete difference
in how we see the world
maybe cause the meaning of
"family" means something totally different
to all of us
maybe a combination of the three

recently I been a bit peeved
not writing much
because
avoiding the things that been pissing me off
are better then venting it ..even here
but today I needed to write
went to d's families over the 4th
not there ten minutes
when his aunt asks
when are you two going to get around to having kids
d's mom laughed said yeah
I sat there in shock
not sure what to even say
first thing I could think of
was I was old to be having kids now
not that 39 is to old
I feel to old though
but d's mom knows
I can't have kids
I don't understand
why her sister wouldn't know this
I blew off the subject
trying not to let them see the pain
I'll never understand these people
I have been open and honest
about my fertility problems
all these years
yet I am still asked about having kids
do they know this causes pain?
or do they not realize ?
How could they not?
I just don't get it
how can anyone be so clueless?
maybe they like causing me pain
I don't know
but it does not make me want to be around them
next family gathering
I will just have to be sick
lol
d's sister recently
visited
her vacation
spent listening to d's mom
complain about us
how we are never around
never visit
never call
but the truth is
we are there when it matters
there for grandma d when she needed us
there for them when they needed us
do they call?
only when needing something
do they come over ?
no
and when she does stop bye
she never calls
she just drops in
which I hate
and she knows it
I hate when people just show up
not calling ahead
I don't know why it pisses me off so bad
but it does
maybe its the way she looks at
my place
if dishes are in the sink
she always focuses on them
as if it driving her crazy
if I have not done my dishes
from last night lol
my house would be spotless
I would let my inner clean freak out
if I didn't have d and 2 dogs
I can't win that battle lol
I should take a picture before and after d comes home from work
you would be amazed lol
but then again
my computer desk is always a mess
only getting cleaned
when I just can't take the mess anymore
lol
few weeks ago she made a comment
about d
saying she never see's her son
he don't have time for her
I reminded her that that past 2 weeks we spent
all our free time visiting grandma w at the hospital
we even stayed 2 nights with her
after they removed her from life support
not wanting her to be alone
I may have been snippy
but it pissed me off
after we hung up she called me back
said she was sorry and selfish
and forgets cause she is not involved
with that side of the family
I accepted
now I hear from d's sister
all the crap she was bitchin about
her sorry was bullshit
and for now on she can talk to her son
about these things
lets see how far that gets her
I can't make him have a relationship with his mother
I will not be put in the middle
any longer
all this crap been building up
need to start writing again weekly
lol



Update:

it's been a busy week
Dads trip didn't go as expected
after all the worry
my Dad spoke his mind
and they took a trip
up north
to visit the sights
instead of fishing
knowing he just was not up to it
(God does work in mysterious ways)
he had a nice time
he had a fall, while gone
but doing okay
he was really drained this week
I hope next week he feels better

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Getting back into the swing of things

It's been a while since my last post
I have so many things I want to talk about
so many things have happen
seems the world is out of balance
not my world as much
things are good here
but in the grand scheme of things
I think a lot of people
need to put some things in perspective
in my personal life
there is someone I love that
is so off balanced
and there is really nothing
I can do to help them
she is an adult
and needs to walk her own path
but emotionally
she is all over the map
the highest of highs
then followed by the lowest of lows
she just can't find a balance
I want to help
but my help
is not wanted
so I hope
I pray
and sneak in advice when I can
hoping it stays under her
"Your Judging Me" radar
it's not judging ..
it's experience
it's only wanting the best for you
it's being your age once
it's spoken from a place of balance
it's spoken from a place of Love
so I wait
hope
pray
love
you
more then you will ever understand


While I was absent from my blog
so many things in our world
have been happening
our society
has lost some of it's "stars"
a few of which I felt a connection too

One was a beautiful women
who really all I knew about as a child
is a picture of her was on my big brothers wall
for as long as I can remember
I never saw her tv show till I was an adult
watching re runs
my brother still has her picture on his wall
I really didn't know much
about her
accept gossip
I would see on tv
it was not until she got sick
that I started following her story
battling cancer
she fought a tough fight
she shared with us her battles
she inspired
she showed us a true Fight for life
she showed us that life is worth the fight
and in the end
she showed us that
Love was everything
in the end
she wanted her long time love
her soul mate
her child
the piece of her soul
her best friend
her souls sister
she passed with respect
and compassion
watching the news
that morning
I didn't cry
I smiled
I smiled because
she was at peace
Life had become her illness
I feel that at the point
she was ready
to go home
and she did ..
Her family
could now
start
to live again
and
find peace in
her memory

The same day
news broke on another
"star"
one of which
I had a connection too
back in 84
I went to my first concert
the victory tour
I didn't even know really who
he was
but all my friends did
I went with a friend
and her family
I remember being overwhelmed
by the crowd
screaming
crying
over emotional
teen age girls
from all walks of life
I remember crying
but I didn't understand why
but as an adult
I understand
I felt the energy of the room
and it was overwhelming

his death
was sudden
but by many expected
my opinion
he was lost many years ago
I like many, watched on tv
how could you not
every channel was talking about it
but with this death
came
the unbalance
that was his life
if you sat back and watched
some where disgusted by the coverage
some where heart broken and cried
others stepped in
to further them selves in their endeavors
it was his life
this unbalance
so none of it shocked me
it didn't really stir much emotion
within me ..maybe pitty
his death
and the chaos of his life
will be "news" for some time
because people feed off things like this
it's not good for us
but people do
We are not to learn
from his life
but his music
he inspired through his songs
he was not a king
he was not a god
he was someone who
gave us inspiration through song
no matter what you think of him personally
the lyrics..
that was his message
it touched many many people
those words inspired us
and don't we all want
our words
our lives
our battles
to inspire another
Both of them touched our lives
in a different way
let that be what the impact is on your life
get things in perspective
inspire those in your life
fight those battles and don't give up
let your compassion show in your words and actions
be there for the people in your life
be real with them ..
there's no second chances sometimes


share your story
you will be an inspiration to somebody

let that be all of our legacy

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Noblesse Oblige Award

When I started writing here
I never thought anyone
would read it
between how I spend my days with my family
their health issues
how we deal with them
Like Past blog "Thoughts for today"
and my thoughts about my life
my past
my present
my hope
my faith
It is a outlet for me
a way to explain
myself
my choices
my reasons
my experiences
shared in my past blog post "broken foundations"
my beliefs
shared in past blog "I believe in signs"
and in Past blog "just some thoughts"
I had hoped
people would read it
be able to relate to it
even if it was just one person
But most of all
I did it for me
and with every naked moment
past Blog "morning thoughts" where I talk about feeling "naked" emotionally
I grow
I understand myself more
to be able to put all the thoughts
running through my head
at any given moment
and some have inspired others
and that is really so wonderful

Recently I was given
the Noblesse Oblige Award



This award recognizes the following attributes:

1) The blogger manifests exemplary attitude, respecting the nuances that pervade amongst different cultures and beliefs.
2) The blog contents inspire; strives to encourage and offers solutions.
3) There is a clear purpose at the blog; one that fosters a better understanding on social, political, economic, the arts, culture, sciences and beliefs.
4)The blog is refreshing and creative.
5) The blogger promotes friendship and positive thinking.


and I am honored
and touched beyond belief
Linda passed the award on to me
I love Linda's blog
she is funny
inspiring
open
and honest
Her blog is one that
I wait for every
Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
you can check it out here
vegaslindalou.blogspot.com

Thank you Linda for the wonderful Award
I am touched
so much so that
I freaked myself out
writing this post
I have 4 different drafts
I have wrote through
the week
and none of them seemed right
today I am just sitting here
writing from my heart
Hoping it's good enough
gosh my insecurities lol
I need to work on that!
maybe blogging more
will help change that
lol

Now I am to pass on this award
To accept this award you are required to do the following:

1) Create a post with a mention and link to the blogger who presented the Noblesse Oblige Award to you.
2) The award conditions must be displayed in the post.
3) Write a short article about what your blog has thus far achieved preferably citing one or more older post to support:
4) The blogger must present the Noblesse Oblige Award to blogs in concurrence with the award conditions.
5) The blogger must display the award at any location on their blog.

I have chosen Barbara(aka Layla)
and her Blog,
Barbara's Blog "Writing from the inside out ..because I have to.

Barbara writes on many subjects
has a few different blogs
Her blogs always find a way to make me
laugh and sometimes cry
but they always finds a way to inspire me
So I hope you accept this award Barbara you deserve it!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

thoughts about the sign

Last night
I couldn't wait to get home
download my pictures
from the day
on to my computer
specially the stop sign one
as I wrote
recalling everything that happen
up to the moment
I found the sign
Having this feeling
that this sign
has more meaning then I know yet
I do know that
Linda came up many times on my birthday
its funny cause we have never met
we only communicate through
our blogs
but on that drive
she came to mind
I shared things in her blog
things she says
the things that have cracked me up
things that made me wonder
things that have made me cry with her
I normally don't talk much
with D about things I read online
unless it touches me so much
that I just need to share it
and sharing with him always feels safe
even though he don't see things like I see them
if I explain how I see it
he then has a moment of seeing things I see
at first that was just a sign to him
that someone wrote some words on
but when you add it all up
the way I see it
everything leading to that moment
there was purpose for
I just don't have a complete understanding yet
but I feel I will

After I got finished writing the blog
posting it
tweaking it cause it was now after 1 am lol
I read it over ..and smile
I go searching friends blogs for new posts
and I go to Linda's first
and there I start reading
her latest post
she received an award
Her post
wrote June 13 on my birthday
as I read through
I am shocked to read my name
on her post
I had to stop and read it again
Maybe it was those two beers with dinner
but I couldn't believe my name
on her blog that day
How cool is that!
Let alone passing the award on to me
on to me ..
wow
me ..
I wanted to start writing right then
but I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer
and the excitement of just having my name
on a writers blog
blew me away
what she said about my writing
made me cry
and I know it's just a blog award
not a gold metal or something
but it means the world to me
that my writing means something to someone
other then me
I am touched
and maybe a bit tipsy
I click off my computer
and drift off to sleep
was a wonderful birthday
I wake this morning
have new comments
from new readers
how exciting
and go back to Linda's blog
and I can't dismiss
the fact that her blog was posted
on my birthday
of all days
that day she was on my mind
that she was the subject again right before
I saw the sign
this women who I just know through our blogs
the sign don't stop believing
well maybe she wont agree
maybe she will think I am crazy!
but I really believe
there is a reason
I believe I was to share this
with her above everyone else
So I wanted to take time and write this
and say Thank You Linda for the Award
and I will be posting about it soon
But right now I am off to the beach
with D and our dogs
another one of birthday wishes!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

I believe in signs....

Today was my 39 th birthday
while out enjoying my day with D

we where talking about signs in our lives
mostly in my life
he was not doing much talking lol

the subject came up when I was sharing
with him about my blogger friend Linda
recently a blog she wrote
about her Aunt Joyce and her sister Lori
and how I thought it was a sign
that her sister heard their aunts voice
so strong
one more time

we drove to the water having this convo
so we could sit and enjoy the peace that brings to me
something I do when ever I can
it was one of my birthday wishes
my eyes wide open for my sign
for today
and D laughing at me
laughing because
all day I was intent on finding it


we continued to talk about signs as we drove
right after I told him ..

you wait and I will point out today's sign to me!!
and he as usual
kinda laughed it off..
we pulled down a street
and as we came to the end of the street
this is what we see ...




I always find very special ones on my birthday
today's sign was awesome
for me this was one of the best!
and I had a camera to share it with you
and maybe just maybe D is now a believer too
ok maybe not ..lol
and maybe others will just dismiss it.

but I am a believer
and maybe it's a sign for someone else too

Happy Birthday to me!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

in need of advice ..really

do you believe if you put something out in the universe
it eventually finds a way to you?
I have always believed this myself
but here I am shocked and bit not sure what to do
I put it out there
Now it's in front of me
and I don't know how to approach it.
a few months back I wrote a blog in response
to another blog.
to read that post go here
http://lorrinblog.blogspot.com/2009/03/question-posted.html
in that blog I shared about my birthday when I was 12
recently the friend I shared that birthday with
contacted me through a social site
she added me as a friend
and for two days I sat here looking at the request
unsure what to do
finally I accepted
I waited a few days and didn't get any personal response
to my accepting her as a friend
so I sent a quick message
really nothing more then a hello
a day later she responded with a hello
asking me how I have been
she also brought up that her mother
recently found a picture of us together
sharing our birthdays
I really don't know which year it would have been
possibly the year our birthday
turned into the worst moments of my young life
I really don't know how I should handle this
should I avoid the subject
should I wait and see if she bring it up
would talking about it help heal
or would talking about it just bring back old wounds for her
I don't want to bring any pain into her life
I am sure the hell she probably faced as a child
is something she must rather leave in the past
maybe her contacting me
talking about this picture
is her way to approach the subject
maybe I need to just hang back
and see where our conversations lead
I feel guilt
guilt for not having the strength back then
to tell someone
to save her from the man who was hurting her
whom hurt me
and most likely countless others
over the years I have thought about the man
did he ever get caught
did he ever pay a price for what he did
I am sure he is now long passed
but honestly I don't know
but there is a place in my soul
that want to know
I live today just a few houses away
from where I was abused
the home where it happen is no longer there
another stands in its place
when I moved here
I though a lot about it
trying to search my memories
I know much of it I have blocked out over the years
but often wondered if he was ever punished for what he did
wished I could have remembered a name
something I could search
and find out
why
I don't really know
it wouldn't change anything
but something within me wants to know
and now maybe I will finally be able to really put it all behind me
but I am scared
I am scared to bring back any pain
for her
I guess time will show me what I need to know
I had often wondered what ever happen to her
she had left our school not long after
by that point our friendship was over
now I have this chance
I don't know how to handle it
got any advice to share
I really need it

Friday, May 29, 2009

just talking

It's been to long since my last post
But ...
to overwhelmed to even put words down on the page
I want to thank those who prayed with me
for my niece
I will not go into details
but wanted to let you know she is getting the help she needs
and we all have hope that she will find a way through her pain.
We support and Love you so much Timmi
and will always be there for you..
please never forget that

Last Friday D's grandma W went into the hospital
we where not told till Monday
when we where told,they said she would be fine
home in a few days ..not to worry
by Wednesday everything changed
Grandma W is on life support
and it does not look good
Life support something she didn't ever want
but family was not there at the time
she went into
respiratory failure
so measures where taken
So now we wait ..
we spent a couple hours
at the hospital yesterday afternoon
D stood at the door ..
he could not bring himself to come into the room any further
nurses where working on her
suctioning out her breathing tube
I explained what they where doing
not to be scared
she was fighting them
best she could tied down to the bed
even in a medical induced coma
He couldn't take it and walked down the hall
I stood there rubbing grams leg
letting her know she was not alone
after they finished
I stood close to her
so if she opened her eyes
if she can ..she would see someone she loved
other family came in
I watched as they all spoke to each other
crying ..
never touching her
or speaking to her directly
I see them come in and stand feet away from her
saying their good byes in their minds I assume
thinking about all the things they will miss about grandma
selfishly only thinking how this is effecting them
not really giving it thought what she is going through right now
how scared and alone she must feel
if she can hear us
which I do believe she may
she hears so many things that must be so scary
all these tubes ..all the people she don't know doing things to her
that cause discomfort.
Her family talking as if they have no hope
no faith
it will not be till today when doctors meet with the family
give us word on what is the next step
Aunt J has been with grams everyday
D and I are thankful for that
she has always been there for every member of the family
specially grandma and grandpa w

I remember as a child being so struck with fear
when my Nana Marie died
she died of cancer when I was 10 years old
I couldn't speak
I couldn't touch her
I remember being frozen in fear
asking my mother to express to her that I loved her
I have always held regret that I was unable to express my love
I let that regret go and healed my heart
when I was strong enough to be there when my grandma Millie died
my experience taking care of my grandparents for 7 years
changed me
made me see whats really important
it made me a stronger person
a better person then I ever was
my outlook on life and death
has changed
no matter how scary it may be
you should embrace the love
when you show love
even at the scariest times
it gives you strength
think about what you would want
would you want all the people you love
to stand four feet away
and not touch you
while you are facing ..
the unknown

I believe there is a heaven
I believe it is what we imagine it to be
each of us imagines it a different way
some don't imagine anything at all
it's up to you what the afterlife holds

I pray that when I die
the people in my life
are there loving me
touching me
bringing me comfort
don't you

I know some people are just built differently
I just wish I could make them see
see whats really important
it's the love
Don't let the fear
and sadness
take the place of the
LOVE

if you find yourself
able to share in those moments
when a life passes on
let the love be what you show
there will be time
to think about all things your going to miss
to think about how this loved one touched your life
let your thoughts be for them in those moments
You can wait

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

please pray

I really can't even talk about this right now
but I need to ask for Prayers for my niece timmi marie
I have never been so scared ..so helpless in my life
please Pray with me for her

quotes that speak to me

If I cannot forgive myself
For all the blunders
That I have made
Over the years,
Then how can I proceed?
How can I ever
Dream perfection-dreams?
Move, I must, forward.
Fly, I must, upward.
Dive, I must, inward,
To be once more
What I truly am
And shall forever remain.

~Sri Chinmoy

Saturday, May 16, 2009

just some thoughts

I believe we all have the ability to connect to mind body and spirit.
As we experience life's ups it is easy to just to glide through life.
It's when life's downs flow through our lives that we begin to question and seek understanding.
For me it's important to not glide through any aspect of life.
We need to question and seek in good times and bad.
It's not always been easy for me to be my spiritual self
While I have been "sensing" things my whole life ..
I didn't accept that it was anything other then my imagination for many years..
I have always looked at things in my life and saw signs in a lot of circumstances.
For many years I ignored these things
told myself as I was told it was all in my head.
It was easy to dismiss things to ignore the signs in my life.
Looking back now I know it was easy to dismiss.
it's taken work, to embrace these things I feel
I have been called crazy
I have been told I am evil
I have been tested every step of they way on my spiritual path.
When I got to the point about 10 years ago that I could no longer worry about being accepted by others.
I needed to accept myself
accept what I feel with my soul.
I began to embrace my spiritual self
started reading every book on the market ..
taking what fit within me and leaving the rest.
I began reading and learning about all types of religions and spiritual beliefs.
I started seeking a greater understanding of Faith .
I wanted to have faith ..
and I didn't know how to obtain it.
Many times I found myself seeking answers in the wrong places.
Looking back I felt it was wrong right away but I dismissed what I felt and thought well I must be wrong.
These wrong ideals made me feel bad about myself
and soon I realized that anything that makes you feel bad about yourself can't be good for me or anyone else.
Spirit
by any name wants us to explore and grow
does not want to beat us down
Spirit wants to lift us up to a greater sense of self
When I started to listen to my inner self and exploring things that made me feel good about myself and Spirit.
I found myself understanding faith is not something you can just obtain
it's always been there
I just had to accept it.
Just like I had to accept myself
this opened up my world
I started seeing my place in this world differently .
I started to see phases and cycles in my life and in those around me.
I started to see how I can make a real difference in the life of those around me.
I started to see that these people in my life where all placed here for a reason and to embrace the good and bad in all of them ..
Once I accepted myself and Faith I was able to accept others in their lives and beliefs.
I am not saying every relationship in my life is wonderful and a bed of roses lol But in faith I know that if Spirit has a plan for me.
Then I have to accept that there is a plan for all of us
Even when one don't believe
I believe that Spirit still works in their lives everyday

We are all on different levels of spirituality
Some deny any spiritual beliefs
some are just coming into their spiritual self
some are further advanced and live every day a spiritual life.
There are so many levels in between
and this is why acceptance is so important in our lives
once we accept ourselves and our inner knowing
once we accept in ourselves our flaws and all
we then can have the empathy to accept others.
Many times over the years I have been asked and have asked

why is life so hard?
I really didn't have a good answer for that question so I started meditating on that very question
it took weeks to get a response.
it came to me in bits and pieces over time
but I didn't stop asking
At first I was told in meditation
We are here as students
we are here to learn
Life's hard times teach us
Teach us empathy
teach us acceptance ..
I kept pushing I changed the question a bit and asked why do bad things happen to us?
I was told again to teach
Again I changed the question
why is life here...so hard?
at this point I should have known the answers
but I was not ready to accept
This voice came to my mind ..
said if life was all wonderful and joyful
who would seek heaven ?
who would seek him?
who would seek to live a better life?
who would have empathy?
who would explore the inner depth of their souls for answers?

with that
the voice in my mind was gone and my question was now answered.

I finally got it ..and when someone now asks I share this with them ..
Now you would think with all my experiences and my sense of self .
that I would be accepted by others in my life.
You would think that my relationships are all healthy and on track ..
but they are not
and most likely never will
because we are all on these different levels
we don't always see eye to eye
many times I have been told I am to emotional
(they label my inner sense emotional )
that I cant be trusted to make decisions
because I lead in emotion

I don't believe going within seeking answers that resonate in me and saying what's in my heart and soul and living my life exploring my sense, in this way is wrong

I have to live this way
I tried the other way
it didn't work for me ..
and if you look really look within you
it's not working for you either.

Doing whats right "within" ..saying whats in ones heart and soul and living their life that way is not wrong ..
When they are at the point I am on my spiritual path
then they will see
know and feel too..
I try to surround myself with people who lift others up in spirit .
while we can't choose everyone in our lives
We can choose how much involvement we have in those in our lives who want to tear us down
My advice is to learn how to accept yourself ..and then and only then can you accept anyone else.
Once you find acceptance in yourself
you can have these types of relationships and not be effected by their draining effects.
As you grow within...
some relationships will have less and less effects on you
you may even notice these relationships become distant
some may even fade out of your life completely.
You will find yourself seeking other relationships with like minded people
I call it my Soul Family ..
because that's what they are
they may not be of my blood
but they are of my soul.

All Relationships we have all have purpose ..
you just have to figure out weather the purpose is positive or negative..
and only going within and seeking your own sense will tell you which is which.

Recently a friend said to me they don't feel mentally healthy enough to make even simple choices in their lives
they really inspired me to write this whole blog
I have been there and could be again if I didn't live my life this way.
Making choices in our lives
simple ones and ones that have long lasting effects
is really impossible unless one goes within ..

well not impossible you can make them
but the out come may not be what one wants for them selves in the long run.

We have been told many many times live for today!!!
and while I agree we should find joy in every day..

Going within seeking inner guidance for even the simple decisions in life will help you later when even those simple decisions you made have ever lasting effects on your life and those around you..Going within helps you see all aspects of your choices ..helps you see how your choices effect those you love. The more more one seeks answers within they are able to make even the hardest decisions in Faith. Soon it becomes easier and easier to know the answers within.

The trick is to trust in it ..

But in order to go within and trust in it ..you have to go back to acceptance
acceptance in yourself
sometimes that means revisiting our past lessons
acceptance in something greater then you know and see...
while this does take time and effort ..
While you focus within it helps surrounding yourself with positive relationships
you can bounce any thoughts off those who hold a positive place in your life
These are healthy relationship's that will help you separate your fears from reality.
they also help us make knowledgeable choices when it comes to those life changing decisions.

But you have to always follow your own intuition.

Friday, May 8, 2009

I own my truth

sometimes when I write about my ex
I feel guilty
that in some way
Like I am disrespecting my current relationship
by even thinking about my ex
let alone talking about him
Now in reality
I do not speak of him much
unless the subject comes up
But I do think about
my relationship with him
I think about what made me think the way, I did back then
I can look back
and see what triggered what
looking back I can see the links
I can own my truth
I hurt someone I loved
and there is no way I can never make amends for that
I know that even if I could sit down and share my truths
with him, he would not really ever understand
nor would have any reason to believe me
I didn't always understand
but I am working through that
within myself
I am getting there
writing helps
I hold such regret
not regret that the relationship is over
regret that I hurt someone I loved
regret that at times in my life back then
I did not feel worthy of love
worthy of good things
worthy of having my dreams
I didn't have any faith
in myself
in God
or in him
back then I didn't have any faith in anything
I felt no hope
I did things for reasons that now seem to not be any good reason at all
but the fact is I did them
and I now own that truth
I know the things I did
I did so, out of my own personal pain
But I feel I had no right to cause personal pain to someone else
and If I could take that back ..
change that.. I would
Forgive myself ..and be forgiven

when I feel guilt about still thinking about
Him and our past
I remind myself that it was my life
I can't just wave a magic wand and it all just disappear from my life
and even if I could I wouldn't want to forget.

Life has gone on ..its been many many years
since I have even seen him face to face
Last year I contacted his family
when his brother passed away in a tragic accident
I wrote a blog that the family did see
because I was contacted by another family member thanking me
After I sent a sympathy card from myself and my family
I wanted to show my sympathy without causing any added pain
by attending the funeral..or cause any problems for him and his family
I pray often that their hearts are healing and somehow finding comfort in his memory

it was probably shocking to hear from me after all these years
But I was proud that I had the strength to reach out
regardless of what their thought of me is
my heart ached knowing they lost someone they loved
my heart ached that they where in such pain
and I couldn't hide that pain from the people in my life now
they all knew what had happen
and they never questioned the pain I felt with their loss
It was nice not to have to hide my feelings
to be accepted and understood by D
so many years in the beginning of our relationship
I didn't speak of my past relationship much
when I did it was mostly pain talking
you know the things you say when going through a divorce
the anger you take on
how you just focus on all the bad stuff
and the good stuff just don't come to mind anymore
I often wonder why does it have to be that way
is there not a better way to cope with the end of a relationship
I guess endings are never easy
but why do we make the emotional pain worse
on ourselves and those we once loved
by cheating or turning everything to shit
so we can feel better about walking away
how do we excuse causing that pain on someone we love
by turning what was once good ...to shit
how do we hide the real truth
the real problems
by creating more pain
that what I did
I can say now ..I own my truth

My relationship today
is one that I cherish
it's never been easy
but he gets me
he knows my truth
and I know his
when all the pieces of our life
have fallen all around us
we both pick them up and glue them back together
I believe that our past relationships
taught us the tools to be able to do this
so I am thankful for my past
I am thankful that I can now own my truth.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

my gracie



Take time to smell the flowers...
(even if they are weeds! lol)

may 6th

will you ever know
that I loved you enough, to make you go

will you ever know
how much letting you go, hurt me

will you ever know
I needed you to think the worst of me

Will you ever know
the love that still exists in me

will you ever know
How sorry I will always be

will you ever know
how much your life meant to me

will you ever know
How proud of you I am

will you ever know
that I still think of you now and then


will you ever know
that I will always be your friend
even though we can never be friends

will you ever know
the person I have become
the changes in me

will you ever know
I know things now
I didn't know then
about so many things
mostly about myself

will you ever know
if I had to do it all again
I would only change the how..

will you ever know
that I am sorry for what I did

will you ever know
the true reasons behind my actions


will you ever know
I wanted you to have your dreams
they where always more important then my own
even though that might be hard to believe

will you ever know
I am so happy you achieved your dreams

will you ever know
that while life has moved on for me ..
and you ..
this date stays with me
I think it always will
the truth is you stay with me
your love changed my whole life once upon a time
changed who I was forever
and I thank you for that
I don't know where life would had lead me
if it was not for you
coming into my life when you did ..

will you ever know
I cherish our time forever


will you ever know
and if you did
it wouldn't change anything
this I know
but maybe, just maybe
I could forgive myself ..

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

sick sick sick

Yes I feel as bad as I look ..lol

Monday, April 27, 2009

Fuzzy thought's

It's Monday
where did last week go?
it was a crazy busy week
with my dad being sick
and a visit from my niece
It was good to see her again
I was sad to see her go
but accept that she lives so far away
in so many ways she's all grown up now
and in so many ways she's still a young girl
got to see her old friends
it was a nice visit
Dads been weak
sleeping a lot
complaining his head feels fuzzy
which can be something other then his CHF
we didn't really know till today
when I woke up feeling fuzzy
my chest hurts
I feel weak
what ever he had ...
I now have
I can't be sick
I refuse to be sick
but I think I'm sick
my legs ache
my head is pounding
damn
I am sick
called checked on mom and dad
mom feels the same way
dad is about the same
like there was not enough to deal with
now we all have a BUG!
So today I sit here
fuzzy in the head
updating my blog
I miss writing when I am away
few weeks ago I said life was finally calming down
then bam!
life gets to busy to sit down
share my thought's
maybe I should stop
saying life's calmed down
cause every time it seems I say it
something happens
do I jinx myself?
lol

spring has come
I think it's here to stay now
and that's something wonderful
I was so ready for winter to be done
now watch ..I said that
it will snow ..

maybe I need to stop talking
I think in my fuzzy state
I should step away from the keyboard

giggles

happy Monday !!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

an update

I'm tired
been a long weekend
been a long week already
and it's only Tuesday lol
it's been a rough couple days for my dad
we spent most of the night last night
in the ER
He was doing well at home
we saw the doctor Monday morning
things where going well
most the fluid was gone
It was a cold rainy day here
I hated taking him out in it
but we had to go
things where looking better
10 lbs of fluid gone
in 4 days
(wish I could lose 10 lbs in 4 days lol)
we got home
things where fine
dad laid down for a nap
I went home
a few hours later
mom calls
dad having hard time breathing
and he is shaking bad.
So I jumped back in the car
drove over
after checking him out
I decide to call an ambulance
to take him to the ER
just to have him checked over
My thought's first went to
that maybe all the lasix
he has taken the last couple days
maybe he got to much
I remembered reading something about
some side effects of lasix
its best to have it checked out
Now we didn't need an ambulance really
but something some people don't think about
is that if you are brought into a hospital by ambulance
you don't have to wait
you are seen right away
walk in's have to wait.
We don't wait anymore
years ago we drove him in
during a medical emergency
and we waited 3 hours in the ER
before he was finally seen
anyway last night I followed
the ambulance to the hospital
they ran some tests
hooked him up checked him out
gave him a chest xray
and another dose of lasix
and put in a catheter
while we waited for results
we watched tv
some beauty pageant
and waited
the shaking had stopped
he was breathing better
I teased him that half naked women
cured him lol
The doctor finally came in
around 2 am
said they wanted to keep him over night
run more tests
that yes he still has some fluid on him
a few more days of lasix
should help
dad says I can do that from home
the doctor says yes u probably can
but we will still like to keep you
I must agree with dad
he will rest better at home
I am 8 minutes away
I asked if he could go home on the cath
they looked at me strange lol
I said he could rest better if he didn't have to get up
every 15 to 20 minutes
I said I will take him to his own doctor within 2 days
to have it removed
I explain I am a CNA
and do know how to empty and clean the bag
that it's not a problem
the doctor tilts his head
and says okay
we can do that
As soon as I said that
I was on my own lol
well you get him dressed
and I'll send in a wheel chair
and he was gone
after I helped him dress
I opened the door
the wheel chair sat outside the door
I got him settled
and started wheeling him out
I passed the doctor
OH here let me help you
I tell him I need to go get my car
he says we will meet you out front
I pull around
here is my dad out in the cold rain
left alone sitting in the chair
in front of the hospital emergency front doors
WTF
he couldn't wait inside with him till I pulled up?
it took everything I had not to put my father in the car
and walk my ass back in and give him a piece of my mind
but it's late and dad needs to get home in bed
But that is not going to stop me from calling today
and voicing my issue with that doctor.
I know they are busy
but damn
fucking get a clue
you don't leave a sick man out in the cold rain.
We got home and I got him settled and in bed
I went home but didn't sleep well
up this morning at 7 am to go check on him
helped him get cleaned up and made him some breakfast
he took his meds as I walked around picking up this and that
and tossing it in the garbage
the man never tosses anything away lol

came home and now unwinding
should lay down and sleep
but my minds wide awake
maybe writing will help
so here I sit and type
I take a deep breath
it's going to be a long week