Saturday, February 28, 2009

the weekend is here

I spent the better of the day with grandma D
I took her to the hair salon where she got an updated do
little different then her normal do
a bit of a younger more hip style
she said are you sure when we talked it over with the stylist
I said Yes do it ! it turned out great
she really liked it
took a few years of her looks
it was the first time since she moved here
that she seemed really happy
I dragged a friend of mine along with us today
she's a lady who helped take care of my other grandma
before she passed away
we have remained friends
I thought her and grams would hit it off
Grams don't know many people here
so I plan on introducing her to a few older friends of mine
Maybe she will find a friend in them too
Anyway we all went to lunch after
sat around drinking coffee and talking for a while
I found myself listening to them chatter away
while watching the sudden snow fall from the window
After lunch we dropped grandma D off at her house
after making sure she was in safe
I dropped my friend off and I went home
the laundry that I started the day before still sit on the couch
normally I would roll my eyes and sigh

but seeing the two dogs sleeping
on other side of the pile with their head resting on the clean clothes
kinda made me chuckle

I spent the rest of the day
moving from room to room
organizing everything that needed it
finished up the laundry and started doing the night before dinner dishes.

Couldn't find anything to watch on TV Friday evening
ended up watching that 70's show marathon lol
Kitty just cracks me up!
I want to live in Kitty's world lol

I fell asleep shortly after the episode
when kitty thinks shes pregnant
but actually going through menopause lol
let's just say she didn't handle the "change" well lol
I myself look forward to it lol

It's Saturday...
Woke this morning to early (7 am)
what's wrong with me? lol
I used to be a night owl ..not a morning person
now I find myself asleep by 11 pm
I guess the days of sleeping in are over
even without disruption I can't sleep past 8 am
but it seems..
that is when I can find the time and words to blog
so maybe it's good thing
or maybe I am just getting old lol

Looking out the bedroom window
everything is once again covered in a blanket of white
wonder what will be in store for me today

the weekend is here ..
have a Great one!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

morning to myself

It was nice to wake up on my own this morning
no construction
no alarm clocks
Dads doctor appointment went well yesterday
we stopped off at the grocery store after
ran into an old friend Sherri
we chatted for a while
Sherri is a sweet lady
she herself is a caretaker of her elderly mother
when we first met
a couple years ago
she was taking care of both her mom and dad
we became close
right before her dad passed away
after a long illness
it was nice to catch up with her life
she works full time
and takes care of her mom
she is lucky she has family that helps her
I met her mother a few times
at work
Sherri and I worked together a few years ago
her mom would come in with Sherri's son
for lunch
Sherri and I have a wonderful bond
makes for a great support system
talking to someone who understands the hardships
I sure missed seeing her
we just been both so busy with life
I am glad I ran into her
I see it as a sign to reconnect with her
we exchanged updated numbers and email addys
promising to get together soon for coffee
I think I will call her next week
anyway ..
I feel kinda funny today
hope I am not coming down with something
God knows with all these doctors visits
I am bound to pick up something lol
But I am NOT going to get sick
I refuse to get sick !!

Today I have a ton of things to do around here
my never ending battle with laundry
gosh I hate to do laundry
but it's better then doing dishes lol
I have to get mom and dads taxes done
but I think I will save that wonderfully delightful job
for another day Haha!
there not hard just time consuming
there is always something
insurance paperwork
medicaid and medicare paper work
rather do them taxes! lol

I want to update you on grandpa
but really nothing to say
it's not good
he is losing weight
has no appetite
still on pureed foods
can't exactly blame him for not wanting to eat that
looks kinda gross to me too
but he just can't swallow anything else
did I tell you he has a lady friend?
well he does and she is one possessive lady!
she demands we and the nursing staff always seat him next to her
and she will not stop asking till we do
so now we visit gramps along with his lady friend lol
they hold hands
its sweet
my grandmother would kill me lol
she always said gramps was a ladies man
I always laughed
guess she was right! lol
The staff has not brought up a feeding tube again
I try not to think about it
pushing it out of my mind
not because I don't hate this or don't care
because it's what he wanted
long before his dementia got so bad.
it's harder then I can put into words
if you have been in the position ..
you understand
But I feel so torn at times
did when I called hospice for grams too
I don't know anyone in this position that don't feel torn
I pray and have faith
dealing with what comes ..when it comes
not thinking to far ahead
taking it day by day

anyway time to get started on my day
this laundry will not wash it's self ! lol

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

here and there

yesterday was crazy busy
up to early because of the construction
nobody can sleep through this shit
today it even started earlier 7:30 am
if I lived in a nice subdivision in a 200 k house
would I have this construction waking me up every morning at 7:30 am??
would they dump snow behind our houses most the winter
starting at 3 am?
I think not
anyway rant over ..
I am awake and not a damn thing I can do about the city's construction.
Yesterday I took D's grandma to the doctors
the waiting room was packed with a bunch of people
sniffling and sneezing ..coughing coming from every corner of the room
I sat not touching anything
using my germ-x I carry in my purse at all times
I can catch a cold from a mile away
and if I get sick ..then who is gona do all the things I do
I also take the chance of getting my dad sick
and he just can't recover from even a common cold that easy
after an hour in the waiting room
we are lead back to a small exam room
and we wait ...another 20 minutes before seeing the doctor
after talking with grams a bit
her doctor leaves the room to go find her test results
from the hospital stay 2 weeks ago
I was thinking to myself
this appointment is over a week old ..
they knew all day what patients where on the books
you would think they would be better prepared
the doctor left the room 3 times search
2 hours and 45 minutes later we finally
leave the exam room and go to another room
to get a referral to another doctor
we deal with her mess of an office
patient charts all over the place
reference books all over ..
no real system in place
we find out grams chart from her old doctors
have not come in yet
then after looking into it
the nurse realizes that the fax was never sent but charted
we finally finish with that
I am looking at the time
I have to take Dad to doctors at 2
its now 12:30
as we go to leave
grandma said something about a script she needed
to her doctor 3 times during her appointment
she must have forgot to write it or give it to us anyway
we ask about it as we are leaving
the nurse looks puzzled and says well can I call it in?
grams says it goes through the mail to my drug company
the nurse looks at us with a blank stare
the doctor has left for lunch she finally says
so I offer to come back a few hours later to pick it up
We finally leave the doctors office at 1 pm
our appointment was scheduled at 10 am
I am not happy with her doctors
or the results of all these tests
in my opinion
they are clueless to whats going on with her
it's even possible they think she is faking it
always focusing on her anxiety
at every visit
I have seen these "spells" as they call them
she is not faking them
something is wrong
but because the tests they run are not showing anything
so they doubt her symptoms
I explained to grandma D
that they have pieces of a puzzle with every test
but they dont have all the pieces yet
maybe its time to see a different doctor
a neroligest and a cardio doc
maybe working together to figure this out
so today I am gona call my dads cardio doctor
see if he takes her insurance and has access to the hospital she wants
anyway I stop off on our way back to her apartment
for a sandwich for her to take home for lunch
I drop her off
get her into the house and settled
and off to my dads ..
no time to run home for a bit
in between like I had hoped
pick dad up
clean up his walk way so it's safe for him to walk out
and we are off to his foot doctor
I love the foot doctors
its easy ..I don't have to go in
but I do to talk to kerry
she is an old friend
that works there
we gab while dad sees his doctor
she lets me in on her secret
she is gona be a grandmother
she is so happy ..
and I am so happy for her
Dads appointment went way faster
we where done 30 minutes later
and he wanted to stop and have some lunch
I am tired
and want to go home
but I am not that tired
spending time with dad is always more important
then what sometimes I selfishly rather be doing
so we stop and have lunch
we chat about everyday things
he has a thing about talking about the past
he always has
but as he gets older
it's sometimes the whole convo
he brings up my ex
he brings up his relationship with his mom and dad a lot
I follow along and try to focus more on whats going on now
Maybe talking about these things
helps him work through it all
and if that is what is happening
then I will be more then happy to be his sounding board
my dad is so different today
then he was even 5 years ago
our relationship is different
and I do cherish it so much
we talk about everything
I used to be scared of my dad
to really talk to him
because he always wanted to give you his advice and YOU do it
never just willing to listen
and not judge
but that in him has changed as he's aged and faced illness
don't get me wrong
he still wants to fix it lol he's my dad!
but he wants to know what he can do to help now
not rush to judge
having faith in me
and thats great progress
I guess the last 7 years of our journey
has shown him that he should have faith in me
anyway we talked and had a nice lunch
grabbing mom a lunch too in a to-go
We stop off at the doctors and riteaid
grab grams script ..
make dad an appointment to see his doctor today
we have a problem with a script for him
it's best we double check with his doctor
so later today I will be running back to the doctors
just a typical week for me! lol
So back to yesterday
I dropped dad off ...ran to grams
dropped of her script to send to her drug company
sat and talked to her as she vented how trapped she feels
not being able to drive
I offered to pick her up Friday
and take her to the hair salon
maybe shopping and lunch if she is up to it
she light up with happiness
glad I could help her feel less trapped
hopefully all those germs flying around the doctors office didn't infect us lol
I swear I could feel the sickness in the air lol

I finally made it home at 6:30 pm
watched tv after a long hot bath
watched the bachelor and the housewives
nothing much else on and
secretly I like both shows lol
but don't tell anyone!! lol
was asleep by 10:30- 11 pm
no dreams ..
think I was just to tired
I slept like a rock ..
must have needed it ...

Monday, February 23, 2009

This and That

Well the weekend has come to an end..
the ground is covered with a fresh layer of snow
I knew it was Monday morning..
when at 8 am the snow plows and construction
behind my place started
I guess sleeping in
is just for the weekends
but at least it's not like on the big snow falls
when they dump all the snow from city parking lots
and dump it all behind my place
they start that at 3 am ish and go till 5 am ..
You hear
the sound of the trucks coming..
then beep..beep...beep (while they back up)
then you hear the snow dump
followed by two very loud bangs
when the dump truck finishes dumping
and the gate slams shut
So I much rather be up at 8 am
then be woke up
every 20 minutes
through the night
but hopefully that is over now
They are doing construction
now too but I am getting used to it
wish the dogs would
they bark at everything
I wonder how many times a morning
do people hear me yell shut up!

think I have to let go of a old friend
we have parted from contact before in the past
life always brings us back
it's complicated
and in many ways recently
I have felt such distance
accept when she had an emotional moment
she needed to talk through
I did my best to help guide her
maybe when the circumstance the holds us together
comes to and end..
which I am praying it has ..
cause its stressing me out
it will either take the stress off our friendship
or just place more space
either way I am ready for this circumstance to come to an end
It hurts me that she didn't see the blessing
or care enough about the blessing to make it a priority
I felt let down for a while
now I just feel she let herself down more
I hope she finds what she will see as her blessing
maybe I shouldn't worry about other people seeing their blessings
and just focus on my own
right now I feel such a distance
with a few that became very close
the drama of women friendships
just overwhelming the friendships
the drama is bigger
then the reason
we where put together
and I can't fix that
so I choose to just let it be
move forward
going within
holding on to those who
have been with me ..there for me
the healthy relationships of now
these once where
but now have become cluttered
with negative impressions
maybe we have fulfilled the needs we had
and time to move forward
all of us
maybe someday our paths will cross again
they have before..
so I let go with love ..honor ..and respect
and hope each of you know
how very much I hope for all of you to find your blessings
and to recognize them when they show in your lives
I have and will always honor our friendships
though the good and bad
I see the positive light within you all
and want to continue to do so
so I will not say good bye
I will just send you forward with my love and prayers
and if we find that on our path we meet again
I will be there to embrace you and your spirit
in appreciation that ..
God set our paths to meet again
and knowing he has a plan for all of us
and that there is a reason for all connections

I have so many things in need of my focus
and I like it that way for the most part
everything in life has a down side

I don't have the extra energy these days
to deal with the negatives

I can't give negative any focus
it cheats me ...
and those I love
from truly experiencing
the friendship or experience
staying in the positive
is my only way to deal with life ups and downs
negative gets me no ware ..
it just makes me feel even more alone more helpless
positive makes me feel hope even when its a glimmer
I know it's there.

only way to keep living and giving
is to stay positive
and have faith in yourself and your higher spirit.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Snow Dogs?

While I am just sick and tired
of all this snow!

my dogs Just LOVE IT!

quiet week

Well it was a very unusual week for me
no doctors appointments
just basic running around
getting things done
Was a nice and needed break

it's still snowing here
Just when it all melts
just when my hope
of warmth starts to glimmer
another snow storm
I am so ready for winter to come to an end
miss taking my daily walks
that help clear my head
miss wearing just one layer of clothes
miss walking gracie around the park
it's just been to cold most days
but when it's a nice day we walk
maybe todays snow
will be the end ..I can hope lol

my dreams have been quite active this past week
I dreamed I had a visit from an old friend
someone whom while I call him friend
we are not friends
but we once where
after all these years
there is still a connection
least for me anyway
in reality I feel a strong sense of this person sometimes
and if I look around usually I see him or something of his
within a few seconds
I can say the dreams with him
come and go
sometimes we just visit and really talk
other times I am looking for him
wishing to explain myself
mostly these days it's just talking
I don't wake up feeling frustrated as I once did
now I just wake up with a sense of peace
and a twinge of guilt
I used to question why I dream about him
but now I just accept that I do
and to me it just shows how our connection
was real ..once upon a time
many times the phases of the dreams
have been validated when I heard news about him and his life
other times I believe it's my need for forgiveness
to release that only regret ..
that I have not been able too release on my own or through circumstances
Maybe in reality I will never be able to fix this regret
but in my dreams it seems I am beginning to heal the old wounds
so I don't question ..why anymore
just accept what is


Don't every dog sleep on the couch?

ohhh ok maybe a bit spoiled!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Winter and Ice fest down town richmond mi 09

and the week ends..

It's been a long week
I have to admit
I am a bit stressed
I didn't have much time for myself
I hope today I can change that
Our small towns little winter and ice festival started last night
I did take some time and go watch them start carving them early yesterday
drove through town last night after running to the store for mom and dad
not many where out yet ..
the ice sculptures where not completed
seemed so odd ...
winter and ice fest and no snow on the ground ???
just a whole lot of water ..flooding everywhere
belle river went over its banks and flooded the road
I wanted to stop and take pictures
but traffic was to busy to be safe
So I wake this morning early
I am going to walk this morning
snapping pictures of ice fest like I did last year..

When I take my first peak out the window
while I am sick of winter
I am very tickled that it snowed today
just to make the walk through town ..
viewing the ice sculptures more fun
It's just a dusting really enough to turn everything white
makes it a perfect setting for today's events
I invited one of my oldest friends to join me for my walk
we shall see if they can make it
after a week of running
for D's grandma
my grandpa
and my mom and dad
I am ready and so happy in this moment to go enjoy something as simple as..
a walk with an old friend
catching up on each others lives
seeing all the ice sculptures
snapping a few pictures on the way
I'll share them here later!
It's the simple things that replenish my spirit
and help me through another challenging week ahead.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


I didn't get online at all yesterday ..I got up at 8 am got dressed and ready to take daves grandma to the doctors for her test results ..she has been passing out (just for a few seconds) but its happening more and more frequent and so they ran a bunch of tests (mostly heart related)
all tests came back fine ..(which makes no sense)
so after 2 hours at the doctors we left to go pick up her scripts at the drug store
we walked in the door of our local rite aid got 10 feet into the store when grams said oh oh oh no and passed out ..
I grabbed her into like a bear hug and brought her down to the floor as best I could ..people just kept walking by us as I check her pulse and made sure she was breathing ..she was making a horrid sound and I couldn't get her to come too..her eyes where rolled back into her head
..I yelled at the lady at the counter to call 911 ..she did and the pharmacy lady came out to help me ..grandma came too about 4 minutes later
I sent her off in an ambulance to the hospital .. something is very wrong
only time I have ever heard this sound she made was when I worked at the nursing home and a man who I took care of had grand mal seizure .. yet grams had no muscle contractions, like he did when he would seize.
Anyway today they are doing a bunch of we shall see.

I had a hard time sleeping last night ..that sound in my head was really horrible sound ..
I told the doctors about the sound ..its hard to describe but its just horrible
they had been testing for a heart problem but I think they need to look at her brain and see if this is seizure activity ..something is so not right ..I don't care what the tests say..they must be testing the wrong things then
Grams was alert by the time the ambulance left the scene ..I was answering all their questions best I could
Then the manager of rite aid came out and needed me to fill out some forms (apparently so I don't sue them for her fall ..made me write out everything that happen releasing them from any responsibility....As if that was on my mind ..geesh
today I am staying around home unless I get a call from the hospital

(I need a mental break)
Her daughters are there with her today

Tomorrow have to take my mom to the doctors and my dad wants to go see gramps so I am gona drop dad off with Gramps and take mom to docs at same time will kill to birds with one stone and hopefully I can get home without any problems like yesterday thats been my week far

geesh its only tuesday

Saturday, February 7, 2009

this is where we are at..

I have been extremely busy with my dad ..
His doctor is great ..he understands
my dads wants and needs and listens to him ....
really listens and explains everything I great detail to help calm my fathers worries ..
and mine too.
He ran a bunch of tests just so he could really see for himself what is all wrong with my dads heart ....
previous tests done by other doctors where conflicting and inconclusive to him plus two years have gone by now sense these original tests where completed.
The truth is that we didn't have a lot of faith in his last doctor ..and while she was one of the best in Michigan she lacked compassion that our family needed.

My father has beat the odds now for so many years ..his stroke could have taken him away from all of us back when he was in his mid fifty's. The heart problems that started back in 06 that doctors then gave him no real hope.
Later in 2006 he was given the wrong meds when a pharmacy mistake stopped his heart and a pace maker defibrillator was needed to give him more time...his doctors told us there was nothing else they could do.
I was personally told to take him home make him comfortable and to cherish the time we had left with dad.This doctor told me he had maybe a year or two at the most.
This didn't sit well with me ..and his doctor knew it ..
he is no psychic and you know even psychics wont predict time of death ..something some doctors have forgotten they are not God and only God knows when he will call us home.
Anyway His new doctor really has been great about things and was very upset with the fact that a fellow doctor would give us this time frame ..That positive thinking and living can really make a difference ..and my dad really tries to be positive and just not worry about all the problems and just enjoy his life and he has a pretty good one ..even if in his down times he questions it ..but that's understandable. I remind him of all the good things when he needs me too. I am sure in his alone moments he is scared at times ..that's understandable too but as I remind him that worrying about it all wont make things easier just focus on all the good stuff and God will take care of the other stuff. His strength is really amazes me.
Well tests are now in as I was saying ..they saw the problems with the heart during his chemical stress test
they are very concerned.
But this is really not new news to us ..
we where told about this blockage two years ago and then told by one of Michigan's top cardio docs that there was nothing more they could do. This doctor wants dad to check into the hospital and have a heart catherization so he himself could see the problem and then possibly go in and try to fix the problem.
He would do fine doing the next procedure
but surgery they really don't know.
We sat listened to the facts ..
Dads first response was no ..I didn't respond.
I asked a ton of questions asking for more information and what the doctors instincts tell him not his text books. He said he would feel good about the catheterization but he wouldn't go in to fix anything unless he was fairly sure he could help and not hurt dads heart worse. I thanked him for his truth fullness. My father turned to me and said what do you think I should do ..I said well dad I think this needs to be talked about further need to ask mom and my siblings .
So We told the doctors not right now ..we are not saying no completely but right now my father does not even experience chest pains and this is a good thing they tell us. He is doing pretty much anything he wants and anything he can no longer do gets done for him.
If his health changes ..if pain starts to develop then we can go back and rethink this choice ..My intuition tells me this is the right choice for my dad ..All the medical questions I asked only validates what I feel and Dad feels. Choosing to go home now and just live and talk and think over it when the time for that comes is what he wants and inside I agree.
I am not giving up on my dad ..just the opposite I have faith .
I don't want my dads final years to be filled with hospital stays and being cut open.
and I don't want ... when its the only hope to not try one more thing..
then will I fight to prolong dads life ..when its possible for him to still live a good life.
Now it's up to him to talk about with the people he wants too ..
his mind was pretty made up from the get go ..
I saw great relief when I agreed for now.
I pray today that I made the right choice for now...and have faith I did.

Mean while ..
About a 2 weeks ago the nursing staff alerted us that gramps
was having a hard time swallowing ..he was switched to pureed foods only
....but still was choking on that.
Every week ..when I visit
I drop off snacks ..for gramps
he's has gained a few lbs lol Like 60 maybe even more...
at the nursing home
but that's ok as long as he is happy.
To not be able to eat will be heart breaking to watch.
Working in nursing homes in the past
I know it happens ..but it just so very hard to think about it
His biggest joys these days involve food
Let's just say gramps is never late to the dinning room for any meal
or snack time.
If an activity involves a snack he is there on time
I hope they are able to keep him involved after this major set back.
The DNR order he signed and we updated
signed says no feeding tubes
but I asked up front if I can revoke that
section at any time..
~ which brings me to think about things
Grandpa and Grandma both signed DNR orders in their wills
7 years ago ..they made it clear there wants ..
The wanted none of this tube feeding no cpr no nothing
also made it clear that they wanted no pain
and for me to bring in hospice when their pain became to much...
I made that choice with grams back in 06
but to starve him?
thats basically what I would be doing
would it not ?
I don't know if I can do that ..
I made such a point when I updated his DNR
order at the nursing home that I wanted to know if I could revoke the
feeding tube part and now its here ..
now what do I do?
follow his wishes ? yes.. I should I remind myself ..I promised
They said he is in the late stages of dementia
which we knew he had
and that As their dementia gets worse, nearly all patients will decrease their intake of food and water. This happens for several reasons.
First, people with advanced dementia often lose the ability to use the muscles needed to
chew and swallow.
This change puts them at risk for choking or getting
food into their lungs
where it can block their breathing and cause pneumonia.
Second, they
often lose the feeling of hunger and the desire to eat..
after that the stages involve respiratory failure..
After talking to the doctors and to dad
we have decided to go along with grandpa's wishes
For right now he will remain on a puree diet ..
and we will wait and see if he improves..taking it day by day

sometimes its just to much to think about the future ..
I just got to deal with today

Thursday, February 5, 2009

25 Random Things...

1. Taking a walk ..can brighten any mood I am in
2. I fear being in large groups of people..I don’t do it much
3. I started a vision board recently only have a few things added, one of which already came to me I just have to do it!
4. In general, I seem to relate better to men than women.
5. I have an addiction to Pj pants ...umm 39 pairs exactly lol
6. Im for sure a night owl and dont go to sleep early ever!...I am so not a morning person
7. I cant walk over those drains that they have on streets or on sidewalks; they freak me out
8. I sing along with the radio..but never in front of anyone lol
9. I hate snakes with a passion. Alive or dead, makes no difference. They scare the crap out of me.
10. I spend way too much time on the computer..I have a myspace, facebook, blogger and twitter and probably other stuff that i cant remember!
11. I've lived in Michigan all my life
12. My favorite season is fall .
13. I prefer to chat with people online versus talking to them on the phone.
14. my favorite colors are purple and black
15. I have a lousy sense of direction
16. I have a fear of fire
17. I remember 95% of my dreams.
18. I purposely don't answer the phone or text messages sometimes. I just don't want to talk. Actually these days, *most* of the time I don't want to talk.
19. I have avoided caffeine for 14 years
20. I have had thyroid disease most my life
21. I can't have children but have two dogs that I love
22. I try to avoid conflict at all costs, however sometimes that seems to be more damaging. I tend to put myself through a lot just to avoid confrontation.
23. I have never been in a airplane (think I would flip out) lol
24. I can cry at a drop of a hat ..when I am over tired
25. .I believe in signs and live my life using them to guide and comfort me

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

the first blog

Why is the first post in a new blog so hard to start..
I have so much to talk about ..
but when I start to write the first blog here ...
I start to ask myself where do I start?
Do I talk about me first ?
I have another blog on my myspace
it never seemed this hard
maybe cause this one I want to be different
I want more of an impact on myself here ..then there..
I try very hard to keep my blog there upbeat ..
but the fact is I am not always upbeat
sometimes I am beat up lol
I feel like there I shouldn't complain
it seems most people shy away when you are down
even people you call friends
So this blog I want for me ..and if people read it
they do so because they wanted too

they don't need to read it ..
if I am down and out and talking about it.

So let this be a warning to any readers
I may cuss
I will Bitch
I will Laugh
I will Cry
I will say what I want without feeling regret
or worrying I might offend someone
after all that's why people blog ...right?
This blog is for me ..not you
But if you like it and want to comment and be involved
that's cool with me too.

so lets start with a little about me
so any future blogs may make some sense
I am 38 years old
in so many ways I feel so much older then that
but in some ways I feel younger then that
I have taken some hard roads
made some terrible choices
made some really good choices too..
All my choices.. made me who I am now

Seven years ago I made the choice
to care for my elderly grand parents
They where very sick and needed 24 hour care
My family and I moved them closer to us
and I stopped working as a nursing assistant to take care of them
At that time I was married but separated on my own
I felt a spiritual pull to help my grandparents
whom I had not seen or really spoke to
other then a few times over the past twenty years
My choice to do so was sometimes misunderstood by some of my family
But my reasons where eventually understood by most of them.
My grandmother suffered with mental condition most of her life
which after taking care of her I began to recognize and understand
It took years to have her medicated correctly
and at the end of her life in late 06 we had grown to love one another
and forgive the past
I was there by her side
when she passed on quietly at home
in the early morning hours of Oct 30th 2006
After her passing I knew my life was about to change again
At this point I moved my grandfather into my home
along this journey with me was Dave
He..who even while we where apart remained a huge part in my life
supporting me and my choices
and helping me every step of the way
in a way this whole experience re-defined us
after so much pain and hurt of the past ..
we became best friends and each others biggest supporters
and we learned how to communicate with out
the baggage of the past influencing every topic.
more about all that another time
Grandpa lived with me till Jan 08
when his dementia got to the point
that I could no longer take care of him myself anymore
I placed his a nursing home and he remains there today
I continue to over see his care
During all this time my father also got very ill
and presently I am taking care of things for my parents
my father can no longer drive
So I do all of there shopping and handle all their medical needs
Recently Dave's grand mother has moved to our area
and I help her too as much as I can.
We work hard everyday
to not fall back into our old communication habits
We have been together now 14 years ..
even when we where not "together"
But we are best friends .
I have no children
and that has always made marriage to me different
You learn as a child that you grow up get married and have a family
but what about those whom cant complete that want
After many years of fertility treatments I stopped trying
I need to figure out what I want my life to be without children in it
until a few years ago
I have always held out a bit of day maybe
But now at age 38 I face what life is without children
more about all that in upcoming blogs I am sure
on my down time I am usually home
on the computer
reading a book
cleaning house like everyone else
I like to write
when the words flow
I like to take pictures
but don't have a great camera ..Yet
I am a spiritual person
I don't really follow any religion
I follow my heart and my "feeling"
I believe in signs
and I follow the ones that show in my life
which is also sometimes misunderstood by some
I am the youngest of three children
but have always felt like an only child really
My best friend is a recovering alcoholic
has been recovering for 4 years now
he is ..
we are ..
definitely not the same people where where 14 years ago.

I was married once before too..
when I was 18
I married my first love ..
My first marriage ended badly
mostly my fault
but I can't and wont take all the blame

Besides we where to young
I was not ready for marriage ..I know that now
I really had no clue how to even be a wife
I went from going to high school
to being a wife ...
with all the responsibility that in tails
and really had no clue
They say you learn from your family how too..
well I didn't have a clue
My parents family was not an example to learn from back then
I happen to marry into a family completely opposite then my own
and was lost and out of place from day one..
many things lead up to the end of my first marriage
and I am sure I will talk about this too

I learned from a very young age about regret
I have tried to live life sense then without..
by doing whats right
for the right reasons ..
so later on down the road
I can move forward with my life without regret
it's not an easy thing to do ..

I only have one regret in my life at this point
the others I have found a way to fix and move forward from
someday I hope to be able able to express myself
to this person..
whom the regret involves
and find a way to forgive myself and truly move forward from it all

Until that point
I shall move forward in my life
Just as he has done with his
I do so ..
with the knowledge of what this regret feels like
and try not to let it happen again

That's the lesson in regret ..I guess

My relationships today ..
are so much more healthier
my parents and I are very close
and have really come a long way
from the 16 year old girl who moved out on her own
to remove herself from the dysfunction that was my family back then
I do everything I can for my parents these days
and I keep myself in the moment and enjoy those moments
because I know someday ..those too will come to an end

Age and illness have changed all of us
while it's not easy to face their health declining
I cherish every moment ..every conversation

I share my balance of heart and soul with those I love most
I listen to their outlooks and share my own
it's a good balanced life
but even the most balanced of lives
have ups and downs
sometimes I need to vent
about the circumstances going on in my life
and while Yes I made my choices
I am allowed to Bitch if I need to along the way
all choices bring on challenges..
hardships along the way..

till my next post ..