Friday, March 27, 2009

the end of another busy week

Woke up this morning
felt the need to just get away
center myself ..
didn't know where I wanted to go
just knew I wanted to be alone
away from the phone
away from any stress
As I jumped in the car
I switched my cell phone off
today the world can get by without me
least for the next couple hours
the sun is shinning
the air is still a bit chilly
but spring is in the air
after getting some gas
and a cup of coffee
I start to drive
my friend Jim comes to mind
even though I think of him often
talk to him ...when I am feeling lost
miss him every day.
have not been to his grave since last fall
so that will be my first stop
the cemetery
it's a small place
surrounded by tree's
the sounds of birds
an occasional car
passing through the small town of Adair
his grave is not far from where he grew up
where we spent summers
in the 80's hanging out
drinking to much usually..
but it's was some of the best summers
of my young life
I was young and in love
with his best friend
they where summers
filled with laughter
and big jacked up trucks
perfect for any country road
not to mention off road
which in those days is how we spent
every weekend
least till..
the cops would show up and everyone would scatter
Jim was always
the life of any party
the craziest
and loudest
guy of the group
but he also was a great guy
always there for his friends
always there for me
through the years
and the changes in my life
he was always my friend
didn't judge me
just accepted me
when he passed
I cried for days
thinking back to the last time we spoke
I was in a hurry
didn't have time to talk
God I wish I could have just took the time
lesson learned
I now take the time
nothing is more important
then time spent with people you love ..

Last summer I went to visit his grave
and I wrote a blog about my experience
I will share it with you here
at the end of this post

Today here I stand at your grave again
not to share the pain I did last time
but to share with you
all the good things in my life
share with you the lessons you taught me
God I wish you where still here
to see who I have become
to see who you would have become
you left us to soon
I see your mom has been here
most likely at Christmas
the winters snow has left her memorial
to you in disarray
So I did my best to fix it
I know she would want me too
I should have brought
something to add to it
but I didn't plan this visit
next time I guess
As I stood at his grave
memories flood my mind
the night we all first met
how that night
changed my whole life
I am so lucky to look back
and know even through the pain
I wouldn't have changed anything
because I would not have met you
God I miss you
Before I let emotions take over
I get back into my car
and head out driving past the old farm house
where so many memories are held
I find myself heading to St.Clair
a place I once called home
drive past the church I used to attend
and head towards the river
where I used to stroll the board walk
every chance I got
I grabbed what was left of my coffee
and headed down the board walk
the water was calm
the ice was almost all gone now
just a few pieces of ice flowing
down the river here and there
I took a few pictures as I walked down the board walk
Some new sculptures catch my eye
They may have been here the last time I visited
I honestly don't remember
they are children at play
they are beautiful ..simply beautiful
I snapped pictures of a few
and returned back to the board walk
while I am standing at the river edge
drinking my coffee
soaking up the sense's I feel
a seagull lands just a few feet from me on the hand rail
and slowly I move closer
taking the camera back out of my pocket
to my amazement it stood still
I stood still for a few moments
looking at the simple beauty and amazed it didn't fly away
I took a few pictures
which again amazed it just stood there
then it looked at me
as I turned to walk away
it lifted off in flight
it was simple
but filled me with such happiness
I imagined all the stress
all the negativity life hands you
being swept away from me
I imagined all my worries
being flown away from me
dropped off somewhere up the river
by that seagull who just stayed there
with me in that moment
After I walked further up the board walk
snapping a few pictures on the way
I found a bench at the end and sat
finished my coffee
said an occasional hello to passer byes
I sat there for the longest time just letting
my mind wander where it may
felt good just to have time
alone my own head
when I felt my balance return
it was time to go
I drove past my old apartment
still looks the same
as if all this time has not even passed
but time has passed
I lived there a life time ago it seems
on my way home I had one more stop
it's a walking bridge as your leaving St.Clair
used to love walking down the walking trail close to it
but this time of year
it's a muddy mess
so I stayed to the bridge
snapped another picture
and then drove home with a since of peace
was a wonderful way to spend a few hours
at the end of a busy week

Past blog I wanted to share
for those who didn't follow me
on myspace

June 5, 2008 - Thursday

A little help from my friend

Recently I went to the grave of long time friend Jim Quick ..
he passed several years ago after an accident
See when I am sad or when I am confused about my emotions ..
specially when my past comes back to my present
I find myself standing at his grave asking him what I should do
asking him to understand .
I sit on the ground besides his grave and I talk ..
everything and anything comes pouring out and while I wish with all my might he could just tell me what to do ..
he cant respond and I knew that.
But deep inside of myself I hear his voice..I hear his laugh ..I feel his presence
and even though I didn't get the advice I need those times.
I always feel better just being there with him.
Recently the loss of someone I once knew sent me back to Jim's grave.
As I stood at his grave with tears flowing down my cheeks.
I started to speak
I asked first if he knows whats happen heart was so heavy I couldn't even express the words out loud to what I wanted to tell him
all I could do was to think
find him Jim ..go to him ..comfort him Jim
it all happen so fast ..
The sound of a car pulling up brought my attention to the driveway of the cemetery
A car had pulled up right behind mine and tooted its horn ..
I couldn't tell who it was ..the sun shinning brightly in my eyes.
So I started to walk towards the car..when the light haired women yelled out ..
It's me!! Jimmy's mom!
I walked over to her car ..I had not seen her in years ..some time ago she moved away from the area
I was truly shocked she was there.
She asked are you here visiting my Jimmy? I said yes I come quite often
she smiled and said I remember your face but I am sorry I can't remember your name. I told her my name,who I was once ..she smiled said well it's wonderful to see you here Jimmy loves that you still visit him.
I smiled it was plain to see I was visibly upset so she asked what did you come to talk to my Jimmy about today?
So I told her about the accident that took Dan's life..that I was here to ask Jim to watch over him and his family. She smiled and said you always where such a sweet girl ...glad to see that has not changed. She then said well Lorri you and I both know that Dan is ok ..he is home with God now.
I shook my head said yes ... said I know he is but I needed to do something...and talking to Jim always helps ..
she smiled said I am so proud to know my boy touched your life this way.
We talked for a long while about life..about her grand children about my life and where it's at now. I told her how I was torn between wanting to show my respects and not wanting to hurt or cause any stress on anyone by being there..
She reached out and squeezed my hand ..said divorce does not mean you no longer care or feel for the other Lorri and it's ok to admit you do still care ..
you should go if that's what you feel or don't go and find another way to show you care...
she reached out and hugged me as tears ran down my cheeks I love you Lorri and so does my Jimmy she said.
I was in awe of that moment.
As the embrace ended she said well I must be off have a long drive ahead of me
I said ohh so you where just here for today?
she said yes I come to straiten Jimmy's grave..
the thought popped into my head yesterday and I drove down this morning....I was just leaving when I saw you standing here..
Now you stay here and talk to Jimmy it will help..
In that moment I knew this was not just a coincidence
I said well honestly I think I feel a bit better now ..
I think Jim sent you to talk to me today..
she smiled said maybe so ..
maybe he sent you here today to remind me was a great son I had and how he touched his friends lives.
we both smiled with tears forming in our she waved good by
I knew I had just experienced something so wonderful.
As I sat back at Jim's grave I thanked him for finding a way to help me when I needed his help so badly this time...

I am truly blessed

Thanks Jim

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

thoughts for today

Gosh it's already Wednesday
yet to write anything in my blog
sat down many times
to write
but nothing seemed to come to my mind
bits and pieces of memories I wanted to share
but the words just don't come
Grandma D is doing well
recovering and feeling better then she has in a long while
I am glad
Grandpa ray is about the same
nothing new to report
I been so busy lately
it's been hard to find the time to stop
and visit for long
the last couple visits have been short
he has been grumpy and does not even know who I am
tells me "nurse put me to bed "
over and over again
My dads doing alright
has a doctors appointment tomorrow
that we put off last week
when I was just to busy to manage
Today I did some running in the morning
have the rest of the day to myself
where I plan on focusing on writing
since I don't feel like doing much else
it's cold and raining
the type of day that just leaves you feeling blah
woke up this morning
in tears
feeling awful
my dreams where upsetting
I been working through them
trying to remember
all the bits and pieces
so I might make sense of why
I am dreaming of him again
last time the dreams came on this strong
he had a loss in his family
I pray that's not it
not again ..not this soon
I pray everything is alright
I am sure the guilt
over dreaming of him again
will come sooner or later
but it's waited energy
I know that
I can't control my dreams
and it's not as if I dream of us
in the romantic sense
we are just talking
sometimes it's calm
and comforting
other times it drains me
spend the day trying to shake that feeling
today's that day for me I guess
My dreams tell me a lot about myself
and my life
people around me
and I have always felt blessed by having them
but sometimes
like today
I think if they would just stop .....
then I think
I would then miss them
It's just part of who I am
have to accept that
and in many ways I do
I don't hide the fact I have these dreams
I usually call my mom
lol yes my mommy !
I can tell her anything
I tell D when he see's me in my mood
after I wake up...
there's no hiding it
I don't go into detail
only cause I can't
till later when I can have some quiet time to reflect
and put all the pieces together
plus going into details
would be hurtful
after all dreaming about a man from my past
couldn't be all so comforting to the man in my life
But he knows enough
that I don't feel I am hiding something
It's been so many years
you would think
by now
these would stop
but I dream for a reason
I have to believe that
or I'd have to admit I am a bit screwy
maybe a bit of both? lol

no need to comment on that last part lol

Friday, March 20, 2009

It's been quite a week...

Monday I took Grandma D to have skin cancer removed
from her hip and top of her foot
I couldn't go in with her so I walked around the complex
they had lovely art work all through out
and I forgot my camera (damn!)
I took a stroll out side
soaking up the sun and warmth
it was such a nice spring day..
Grandma d's surgery took a few hours
I started to worry
when they finally came out and got me
letting me go back to help her dress
and hear the doctors instructions for her care.

Grandma d at this point has now been wearing a heart monitor
that her cardio doctor ordered the week prior
at my strong suggestion she see a cardiologist
it was clear to me her family practice doctor
was not taking these spells seriously
or she was just out of her league
So late last week we saw my dad's Cardio doctor
and he wanted to monitor her heart for a month
she agreed but didn't like it one bit.
But he took her seriously and wanted to find out whats wrong
and I knew if anyone would find it a problem
it would be him

Well Monday after the doctor left the room
Grandma d had one of her "spells"
while sitting waiting for her scripts
after making sure she was safe from falling forward
I clicked on the hand held part of the heart monitor
it alerts the cardio doctor that she had a spell
and they are able to read what is going on with her heart
during these spells
after resting for a few
I asked for a wheel chair to take grams to the car
as I said before these spells take everything out of her
and I didn't want her to push herself anymore
it was a long day for her
with the cancer surgery and all
On the way home her cell phone rang
saying the cardio doctor called
and wants to see her as soon as possible
by this point we are already back in Richmond
and it was close to 5 o'clock
to late to go back now
we had to go back to the cancer doctor
the following day (Tuesday) to be re-checked
so we would plan to go to both doctors the next day
I ran to the drug store grams scripts
dropped them off and k made a comment about
me always being around when grams had her spells
she laughed it off as if it was a joke
but was not funny to me at all
a little while after she apologized for all the time
I been needing to take grams here and there..
that she felt bad
I looked at her and said she should and laughed
wondered how she liked rude comments followed by a laugh
and finally made it home that night after 8 pm

Tuesday morning I had to go to the doctors myself
I needed a refill on my thyroid meds
after a blood test
they found my levels out of normal ranges again
they upped my medication
I was a bit shocked to hear my ranges out of wack again
Thinking about the last couple days
I did have other symptoms of my thyroid levels being off
but I excused them away with
being tired from being so busy lately
all the stress and shit
but this is why the tests every 3 months
to make sure I stay in good lab ranges for me
and this is not at all the range I need to be in
I been dealing with thyroid disease since I was 19.

after my appointment..
I went and picked up Grandma D
we stopped and had a light lunch
then off to the cardio doctors first
His nurse ran his normal tests (ekg,bp,ect)
and then he came in with the results he received with the monitor
Grandma d was shaken by what he had to say
the results basically say her heart is stopping
and she needs a pace maker
we asked a lot of questions
and grams asked to go home and talk to her family about it
he agreed but warned her that if she had another spell
she was to go directly to the ER
she agreed
After we talked on our way to the cancer doctors office
I knew she was scared
and tried to assure her that it would be okay
But she was stressed and anxiety filled by the time we got
to the other doctors appointment
I brought her in with the wheel chair again
before getting into the building
she had another moment of weakness
she didn't pass out
she was just weak
we got done with the re-check
her incisions where looking good
and her stitches where holding
after we drove home
she called her daughters
and they all felt good about the pacemaker
happy that we finally have an answer
to what is wrong
after I got her settled and she laid down for a nap
K her daughter was with her
I left and went to the grocery store picked up some
things I needed at home
Later that night I had a weird feeling (vibe)
and ran a piece of pie over to her as an excuse to check on her
she was sleepy but said she was fine ..
watching the hockey game ..
I went home
but worried most the night.

Wednesday I had some running around to do in the morning
but hurried threw it and arrived at grandma d's
I need to change her bandages
clean the incisions and put on the medication
she didn't look like she was feeling well to me
but wouldn't admit it.
after changing the bandages
we went and sat in the living room
the phone rang
it was the cardio doctor
instructing grams to go to the ER
that her doctor will be waiting for her
We called K and she drove to grams
while I packed up a bag for grandma (just in case)
I told her
But I knew she needed it
also packing up her dogs leash and food to take the dog over to K's
K drove grandma d to the ER
and I met them there after I dropped the dog off
K's husband was home and for the second time
I was asked what I am doing to grandma d
that she has these spells when I am around.
K said it a few days before
They where joking
but it ticked me off
I responded that the reason it happens when I am around
is because I am always around her
I really can't believe they both said the same thing
it's as if it was a topic of a conversation between them
had to be ..after all they both said the exact same thing!

I had already said something about K saying it to grams
earlier that day
so by the time I reached the hospital K knew it had upset me
she apologized and I said oh it's ok
even though it was not
in the ER in front of grandma d is not the place
to even discuss this now
I sat with grandma d and K till a room was available
that evening around 10 pm
we got to the room
and the nurse asked is grandma d needed help walking
she said no
K asked her if she wanted her help
she said no
then turned around and asked me to help her
K gave me a look
I just didn't look at her and helped gram
to the bathroom then back into bed
while grams was in the bathroom
I asked what's the look for K
she said oh she was just tired
I didn't believe her
I think grams wanting my help
hurt her feelings
but she has to remember
this is what I do
I worked in nursing homes
I took care of both my grandparents
my dad
she looks at me as a nurse
someone skilled it help her
maybe I make her feel comforted
I know I don't feed into her anxiety the way some do
anyway we made sure she was comfortable
and we both left
she thanked me as we left the hospital
no hug
no real connection
just a thanks kid and off we went.

The next morning grams would get a pace maker (Thursday)
the tests where all done
they prepared for surgery
I had to take my dad to the doctors
so I knew I couldn't be there
but K said she would call after it was done and update me
around 7:30 am she called said they just took grams down
and she would call me back around noon with an update
at 9 am the phone rang
it was my mom and we had changed dad's appointment
till the following week
it was just a battery check for his pacemaker
it could wait..he just had it tested a few months back
so I would be home after all
I wanted to go the the hospital
but after the night before I decided I best just stay home
and wait for k to call with an update
I slept most of the morning on and off watching tv
didn't have the energy to write or be on pc even
noon came and went and still no word
around 3 o'clock I was worried
but had to run to the grocery store for my mom and dad
did their shopping
dropped it off and D fixed a hole in the fence
so the dog can't escaped the yard
Then came home
and expecting to see a message on my machine
nothing from K
it was 5 pm and still no word
I had D call her
she insisted she had called
I said to D no she didn't
I have caller Id
then she changed the story said she called so many people
she must have forgot to call me
but that grams was alright
made it threw surgery very well
and expected to be released sometime Friday
she would be staying with K and her husband for the next week
I was glad she was ok
but a bit peeved about forgetting to call me
I mean I sat there all night with her
not her other sisters
not her husband
me being as helpful as I could
and I am the only one not called
makes no sense to me
I don't care how much is on her plate
I have a lot on mine too
but I am still there for them
but again I kept my mouth shut
I am helping for grandma d
I am helping because it's D's grandmother
and he is there when my family needs something from him
maybe I should say something
but it will only cause negative shit that I don't need in my life
so I vent here to myself and anyone who comes around to read it

Grandma D will be released later on tonight
I have not heard anything yet this morning
I really don't expect too
not unless I call k
I am spending the day pretty much at home
unless something comes up
it's nice to be home
being able to catch up on my blog
the sun is shinning but it's on the chilly side
I thought about taking a drive later today or tomorrow
taking my camera along just in case
something I see inspires me to snap a picture
maybe tomorrow I am gona hang out in my pj pants
and catch up on reading the blogs I follow
reconnect with my online friends
maybe play a game online
nothing that requires me to brush my hair
or be dressed in anything other then my pjs
nothing that requires me to do a hole lot
sounds like a great day to me ..
the weekend is here!!!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Exploring the banks of Belle River

Spent the afternoon exploring the banks of belle river
when ever I need to refuel my spirit
I find myself at the waters edge
a river
a lake
even a creek
it does not matter
The water is all that matters
It was a simply beautiful day
hiking down the banks
still a bit on the muddy side
just weeks ago the river went over it's banks
and flooded the area
But a little bit of mud never stopped me before
I let the sounds of the moving water
wash over my spirit
the warm air reminding me that winter has come to an end
the sounds of birds chirping as to say Yes Lorri spring is here!
the sounds of tree's moving in the warm wind
was a wonderful way to spend a early spring afternoon.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Friday, March 13, 2009

a question posted

Julie at :
posted this question to her fellow bloggers

If you had to choose the single biggest mistake you've made so far in life, what would it be?

when I think about my biggest mistakes
I think back to my life when I was a young person age 14 to 28
I made so many poor choices for myself
many times my intuition screaming at me and I ignored it
I hurt people I loved
But I hurt myself more I think
because they moved on
and here I am.. writing about it ..still till this day
but when I think of all the mistakes I made back then
seeking someone to fill something within me
that nobody could have possibly filled
seeking to fit in a world
where I couldn't possibly fit
abusing my body and spirit
while abusing the spirit of people I loved
and back then not even knowing I was doing it
But all these things where caused by a bigger mistake
and if I had told someone
really told someone
asked for help ..
if someone would have seen my actions as what they where
and not just assumed I was just a bad person
a "troubled girl"
if someone would have asked me why
I may have shared with them my biggest mistake
it was the day I turned 12
I shared my birthday with a friend
we had a party at her house
three of us sneak out after midnight
walking to my friends uncles house
I had a sick feeling in my gut
writing this gives me that same feeling now
the "fun" that my friend promised that night
tore my world apart
I was lead into a world of pure hell
I was molested that night
silent but yet screaming inside
I had no choices that night
a gun lay on a table near the bed
to this day that is what I remember most
I believed he would hurt my family if I had ever told
so I didn't ..
till I was in my late twenties
but never did I ever talk to that friend again
passing her in the halls at school
I felt such shame
I went silent but yet screaming inside
I screamed inside for so long after that
I wish I had been strong enough to tell
not only for my sake but for that friend
the hell her life must have been
with the abuser being her uncle down the street.
I moved forward in life with that screaming inside
it lasted many years
lead me to many things I am not proud of
but with time and experience
I know even the darkest moments of our lives
make us better ..more compassionate people
and while I still feel somewhat "changed" and challenged by it
I learned to listen to my intuition
that silent scream .. in your gut
when something is just not right
I learned to trust myself
I learned to trust and give love freely
I learned what unhealthy relationships where
and remove myself from them when I need too
and each mistake I made for myself after the fact
helped me come to the place in my life I am now
be the person I am today
if I had not made these mistakes
I wouldn't have learned so much about myself over the years
it's been quite a journey ..
to find the real me and I am still finding myself everyday.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

still quitting!

So I am a day behind ..
oh well lol

Spent my day to myself
on Wednesday
finished my laundry
organized my desk
cleaned the bathroom and Kitchen
dusted the living room
but it was hard not to take a "smoke break"
Sad that a cigarette is like my reward for a clean room
I removed all ash trays from my sight
I had a headache most the day
I guess it will go away in a few days
Connected with some friends online and off
caught up on all the blogs I read
in the afternoon I watched some TV
and played fetch with Gracie
was a nice day to myself
but I feel kinda snappy
trying to control my bitchiness
hopefully that to shall pass lol
after dinner I broke down and smoked 1 cig
why do I so want one after eating
I tried to fight the urge
I ate some pie D's grandma made for him
after the piece of pie I still didn't feel satisfied
ok I think to myself
you can't fill the "want" with food
it ain't working anyway
so I broke down smoked it
felt stupid after
but I will not give in to "fuck it"
I smoked one cig ..big deal
I didn't smoke 19 others in a day
like I had been
instead of saying fuck it
I am going to give myself some slack
maybe then
quitting will work
we shall see

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Tuesday with Grandma D

Tuesday started off as any other day
up to damn early
and had a ton of things to do
and it is raining and cold
today will grandma D's first visit to her new cardio doc
she also wanted to take her dog to the groomers
we where just there..
not even 4 weeks ago
but she insisted her dog needed it ..
I don't see it
anyway 10 am we are at the groomers
we can pick him back up at noonish
we get back to her place where..
she kinda expected me to sit and wait
I changed the plan and said
I would come back when the dog was done
she didn't seem pleased
maybe she was lonely
and I am sorry she is ..
but I had so many things I needed to do
for myself
so I drove back home
did a few load of laundry
it was noon before to long
I swear those two hours flew by
We pick up the dog and drop it off at home
and we are off to lunch
and then the new doctor
we stopped and had lunch
it was a nice visit
killed about an hour
the waitress sucked
took our order
dropped off our food
with the bill
and never returned
till we where getting our coats on to leave
then only to collect her tip
we left on the table
We leave
it is still raining and still freaking cold
we will be way early for the appointment
but oh well
we wait for an hour in the waiting room
she reads magazines
while I people watch
talking on and off about the food
in the metro restaurant guide she is thumbing through
she then picks up an OK magazine
gets to a picture of little Kim
says ohh little Kim she is gona be on that dancing with the stars
I say you know who little Kim is gram?
oh yes she says
I laugh
Your pretty hip grandma.. I tell her
the lady sitting behind us giggles too
We finally get into see the doctor
I am not pleased
the doctor is not the one I told her to see
why can't we make this easier
and see who I suggested
or why ask me for my opinion at all
This is what is making me crazy
I make suggestions
when asked mind you
and it's waisted breath
anyway we go through
all the basic questions
first off being what brings you here
I let her answer for herself
in my surprise
she says a nurse told her she has a heart condition
not that she had been passing out
nothing about passing out
he asked what tests was she running
that made her come to that conclusion
she says ..the nurse just felt I did
I could have screamed
no wonder these doctors are not taking her seriously
if she comes out with bull shit reasons
just tell them the truth
he follows up with a few more questions
she answers them
I speak up at this point
getting a not so nice look from grandma D
explain to him about the "spells"
how she has had multiple testing in recent weeks
he asks me what tests and where
I give him the information he requested
he suggests the tests she needed to start off with
just as I told her
her family practice doctor has been running everything but
I can see at this point her blood is boiling
she shakes her head
I wonder does she want some doctor
to walk into the room and take one look at her
and tell her exactly whats wrong with her
gosh wouldn't that be nice
but that's not reality
she needs to face reality
he tells her again
no driving till we get to the bottom of this
she says no way
I am going up north regardless
which she could I suppose
but now two doctors
have it charted
she was instructed no driving
I know this has to suck ..
I have compassion
I understand
but damn think about the consequences
as the doctor leaves the room
she goes off
I listened to every word she said
then said you know ..
the only thing in life that we can control is our attitude
I know its hard
but to get back on the road
you need to do these things
she knows I am right
she is just to far bull headed to admit it
now I know where D gets it lol
we leave the doctors
and I can feel the anger in her build
I tell her to go ahead
and vent
and she did
she tells me after her rant
that I don't understand
and she's is right
I don't understand completely
I couldn't possibly
but I been through this before
with my grandparents
with my parents
getting old sucks
I know that
I have compassion for her
I want to be a help her
but she needs to meet me half way
if she don't care about her health anymore
and doesn't want to go through all these tests
then don't
I am running my ass off
almost everyday
between her and my parents and grandpa
not to mention I do have a life of my own
I hope she finds a way to focus
on the positives in her life
and stop only focusing on the negative
and letting those negatives over rule her common sense
common sense says there is a problem
positive focus
on no matter what you have to give up right now
that they will find a reason
and possibly be able to fix it
maybe its a simple medication problem
who knows
you don't know till all the test they need are run
then with all the pieces of the puzzle they can hopefully give her..
the answer to whats wrong..
I repeat getting old sucks this I know
but it's life
you can't change it
all you can do is choose
how your gona deal with what comes your way

I feel sometimes like this is just to much
to take on
but I know I am at this place in my life for a reason
I know it's the right thing to do
and I know I do the right thing
not always
definitely not in my past
but I do now and thats what really matters
I know D's family needs my help
Just as mine needs D's help
life changed for us after my choice
to take care of my grandparents
7 years ago
and as hard as things have been from time to time
I am changed
and Thankful God put me on that journey
and I know he has me still on a journey
and all I can do is be respectful
be honest and caring
and do my best to help the people he placed in my life
I will be blessed by doing so

We got back to richmond
after 5 pm
we stopped at the grocery store
so she could grab a few things
by now she had calmed down
her energy was nicer to be next to anyway
I dropped her off at home
making sure she is settled before I leave
before I am out of the parking lot
I am getting my first smoke of the day
still having the half pack from now 2 days ago
I smoked it and enjoyed it
I only smoked 2 other smokes the rest of the night
from a pack a day
to 7 cigs in 2 days ..
hey I am kinda proud of me lol
when this pack is gone
I refuse ..I said REFUSE
to pay almost 7 bucks for another
I can not even excuse that away in my own mind
no excuses ..and I REFUSE!
Wednesday I am home most of the day
that will be when the real test starts
I plan on keeping myself busy
Wish me luck !

Monday, March 9, 2009

my monday morning

Every morning I wake up early these days
I thought with the time change ..
I would be sleeping in a bit more
hahahah I guess I thought wrong!
at 7:15 am ...
I am wide awake looking at the ceiling
willing myself to just fall back to sleep
I lay there for 10 minutes
the morning light coming through the opening of the bedroom curtains
I reach up and close the curtains tight
I close my eyes and try to fall back to sleep
I roll over to my "falling asleep" position
nothing worked
I laid there for another 10 minutes
and gave up and turned on the pc
and went off to splash some water on my face
put my hair up on top of my head
when I come out of the bathroom
there is Gracie wagging her tail ..

OH so happy to see me
like I have been away from home for hours
she jumps up on me and does her happy to see you bark
she is the happiest dog I have ever had
only thing she don't like is rain on her face
I know she don't like it cause
she squints her eyes and takes no time at all outside doing her business
any other time she will run and play and take her sweet time lol
snow is another story

she loves to dig her face deep into the snow
and scoop it up ..eating it like its food lol
she loves to run and jump...
into the deeper snow that seems to drift right next to the house
anyway I make my way down the hall
into the living room where I find buddy still sleeping
I grabbed my camera and snapped a picture

the flash waking him up lol
he is a weird but funny dog
I honestly think he tolerates me
for the most part he only gets excited to see me
if Gracie does first
he is stingy with kisses
and rarely wants to lay by me
unless he don't feel well
like when he ate the defrosted pork chops
and got worms ewww
He is kinda gross in many ways
always eating or licking or rolling in nasty ass things
somethings wrong with him ..maybe its his gender lol
I open the door to let them out
pulling on my coat and boots as we walk out the door
the spring like weather we had last week
has been replaced with freezing rain
and the chilly winds of winter have returned
They take their sweet time
as I stand outside freezing my ass off in my pj pants
least my top half is warm
finally they are ready to come back in
and I feel a sinus headache start
I go to the medicine cabinet
to grab an excedrin ...the bottle is empty
I can't believe I put a empty bottle back lol
well yeah I can believe it
I decide I will run to the corner store
I am awake anyway
I drive to the store damn cold to walk it
go in and grab a new bottle of excedrin
thought about getting a pack of smokes
I am a smoker ...not a proud one though
I started smoking right before my divorce ..years ago
tried to quit on and off
but never was able to completely stop my habit
well today my habit ends!
smokes here went up in price $6.18 a pack
and the man at the store said..
April first will be another dollar increase
well that means I am officially a quitter today!
I have a half of a pack left from the day before
that will be it for me

so be warned ...
Lorri might be a bit of a crabby bitch for the days to come lol

I return home to find both dogs
sound asleep on my bed
must be nice to be able to fall back to sleep lol

I know I will get sleepy just when my running for the day begins lol
when did I become a morning person?
wait I refuse to be a morning person!
I miss staying up till 2 am
sleeping in till when
is it age..
is this my sign..
that I am getting older
one good thing about waking up so early
is I have the time and the peace to write
so maybe like I said before it's a good thing
anyway enough of my morning
I guess I should get my day started
wish I could just hang out here in the warmth of my bedroom
hang out in my PJ's all day
connect with my internet friends
maybe another day..

Have a great day friends!
catch ya all a bit laters!

Friday, March 6, 2009

a day with Dad

Took Dad to Port Huron today for a hearing test
and to have his hearing aids adjusted
so we stopped off after
at the park close to the Blue Water bridge
and had lunch and talked
it was a semi warm day here
first day it felt like spring here for so long
we talked about all the changes
in the water front over his many years
I have heard the stories before
but I don't mind listening to them again
we spent nearly an hour and half sitting
watching the boats and ice
was a great day for both of us.
Here are the pictures I took..

reality check

It's been a busy week
running here and there
for both grandma d and my parents
next week looks to be about the same
visited with grandpa ray ..
but he didn't know who I was
he was in a bad mood so our visit didn't last long
I was invited to go with some friends earlier this week
but by the time I got home ..
I was exhausted
I ended up not going
just hanging out at home watched some tv
fell asleep at 8 pm and didn't wake up till 7 am next morning
(I couldn't believe I slept that long)

I tried to explain ..
I was at the doctor's most the day
my friend said well that shouldn't take long what maybe 2 hours?
but it don't work that way
for one older people have their own pace
they don't want to be rushed
and they must be ready to leave for a scheduled appointment
an hour before ..even if it takes 30 minutes to drive there
they believe its best to leave early ..maybe get seen quicker
when will they figure out that it never works that way? lol
and frankly its not worth causing them any unneeded anxiety by leaving on my time
after any procedures they always have side effects
from the anxiety of just ...
seeing the doctor
having a procedure done
usually these test require fasting
and both grandma d and dad are diabetics
so after we have to prepare for that
usually after the appointments are finished
anywhere from 2 to 4 hours after the appointed time
we stop at a nearest known place to eat a quick bite
there always seems to be a extra stop before heading for home
bank,store,what have you
before you know it the day is gone..

I don't think my friends and even my family get it
correction I know some of them don't get it!

now I am not complaining here
while it can be stressful
I love that I can do this for them at this point in my life
I love the relationships I have gained in doing so
I know so much about my mom and dad even grandma d now
that if I had not chosen to do this
I would have never known
and they know me..
understand me
and knowing me they don't rush to judgment
like some do

I heard through my mother this week
that when my brother was told dad was no longer driving
he asked when I became the parent to our parents?
as if I took dad's driving rights away
Dad told me he felt unsafe to drive because of how he feels these days
besides being winter ..
last 6 years dad didn't drive much in the winter
they don't get out to shop much in the winter
it's to rough on them in their health..
did you know dad has driven to town and
felt lost in a town he's lived in 39+ years?
he would know that if he got involved
nobodies stopping him from helping
It's his choice to be clueless
but don't rush to judge me when you don't have a clue
the fact is we have aging parents
who need daily help
specially in the winter months when just going out to grab the mail
is to much to do when its below zero and they both walk with canes
making it a danger for either of them
last time dad took the garbage out he slipped
fell into the ditch
and had to crawl out of the ditch
where cars where passing and Not one stopped
by the time mom knew what had happen
dad was cold and wet and had made it back to the house
ended up being in bed for three days because he was so sore
so taking the garbage is even unsafe
so we do that now too
do you know that mom has fallen many times
and she crawls to the phone to call me to come help her up?
Do you know that dad tried to get onto the roof
so he would fix a leak right before winter
This man who feels unsafe driving a car
is going to go up a ladder to walk on the pitched roof
to fix a leak
lucky enough D stopped over that night
and D fixed the area for dad
Did you know that when dad had the flu a few weeks ago
that he double dosed his insulin one night and went into shock at 1 am
and we had to get him through it
there are so many more moments, examples
that show me our parents need the help
so you can choose to think anyway you want
but I know I am doing the right thing.
as for the child becoming the parents parent ..
I am not alone
there is many people going through the same things
maybe you just need to look around outside your own life
and see reality
and if you choose not to ..well
then keep your comments to yourself

Monday, March 2, 2009


Do you remember your first love?
Does first "true" love really last in our minds and hearts forever?

I remember my first true love ...
We met the summer I turned sixteen
We had no idea what life had in store for us
We only knew we loved each other
We could speak without a word between us
We could show our love without a touch
I remember the first time he wrote "I love you"
I remember running into my mothers bedroom
not being able to wake her fast enough ..
to show her the picture he gave to me ..
his senior picture
on the back the most wonderful words in my world

To the girl I love..

I was loved and it was exciting
He was everything in my world
We married very young
Full of hopes and dreams like every couple
We Danced our first dance to your the inspiration
He was my world
I was His
Until one day
eventually that world become something I didn't fit into
I don't know if it was just us growing up
I don't know if it was my illness
Maybe the way I was brought up
So many reasons
One day I was no longer his world
he was no longer my world
we found ourselves being content with our world meeting sometimes
Soon we lost even that
We both did things ..
said things
and it ended badly
I have learned in time that nothing ever ends well
I have had many years and tears
to think about my actions
to think about my truths
The truth is I still think of him nearly every day
I still only wish the best for him
I have kept a distant eye on his life
I am so proud of who he has become
Our lives have moved on..
But I wouldn't be who I am today
If I had never loved him.
For that I will always cherish my first true love
and never forget