Woke up this morning
felt the need to just get away
center myself ..
didn't know where I wanted to go
just knew I wanted to be alone
away from the phone
away from any stress
As I jumped in the car
I switched my cell phone off
today the world can get by without me
least for the next couple hours
the sun is shinning
the air is still a bit chilly
but spring is in the air
after getting some gas
and a cup of coffee
I start to drive
my friend Jim comes to mind
even though I think of him often
talk to him ...when I am feeling lost
miss him every day.
have not been to his grave since last fall
so that will be my first stop
it's a small place
surrounded by tree's
the sounds of birds
an occasional car
passing through the small town of Adair
his grave is not far from where he grew up
where we spent summers
in the 80's hanging out
drinking to much usually..
but it's was some of the best summers
of my young life
I was young and in love
with his best friend
they where summers
filled with laughter
and big jacked up trucks
perfect for any country road
not to mention off road
which in those days is how we spent
the cops would show up and everyone would scatter
Jim was always
the life of any party
guy of the group
but he also was a great guy
always there for his friends
always there for me
through the years
and the changes in my life
he was always my friend
didn't judge me
just accepted me
when he passed
I cried for days
thinking back to the last time we spoke
I was in a hurry
didn't have time to talk
God I wish I could have just took the time
I now take the time
nothing is more important
then time spent with people you love ..
Last summer I went to visit his grave
and I wrote a blog about my experience
I will share it with you here
at the end of this post
Today here I stand at your grave again
not to share the pain I did last time
but to share with you
all the good things in my life
share with you the lessons you taught me
God I wish you where still here
to see who I have become
to see who you would have become
you left us to soon
I see your mom has been here
most likely at Christmas
the winters snow has left her memorial
to you in disarray
So I did my best to fix it
I know she would want me too
I should have brought
something to add to it
but I didn't plan this visit
next time I guess
As I stood at his grave
memories flood my mind
the night we all first met
how that night
changed my whole life
I am so lucky to look back
and know even through the pain
I wouldn't have changed anything
because I would not have met you
God I miss you
Before I let emotions take over
I get back into my car
and head out driving past the old farm house
where so many memories are held
I find myself heading to St.Clair
a place I once called home
drive past the church I used to attend
and head towards the river
where I used to stroll the board walk
every chance I got
I grabbed what was left of my coffee
and headed down the board walk
the water was calm
the ice was almost all gone now
just a few pieces of ice flowing
down the river here and there
I took a few pictures as I walked down the board walk
Some new sculptures catch my eye
They may have been here the last time I visited
I honestly don't remember
they are children at play
they are beautiful ..simply beautiful
I snapped pictures of a few
and returned back to the board walk
while I am standing at the river edge
drinking my coffee
soaking up the sense's I feel
a seagull lands just a few feet from me on the hand rail
and slowly I move closer
taking the camera back out of my pocket
to my amazement it stood still
I stood still for a few moments
looking at the simple beauty and amazed it didn't fly away
I took a few pictures
which again amazed it just stood there
then it looked at me
as I turned to walk away
it lifted off in flight
it was simple
but filled me with such happiness
I imagined all the stress
all the negativity life hands you
being swept away from me
I imagined all my worries
being flown away from me
dropped off somewhere up the river
by that seagull who just stayed there
with me in that moment
After I walked further up the board walk
snapping a few pictures on the way
I found a bench at the end and sat
finished my coffee
said an occasional hello to passer byes
I sat there for the longest time just letting
my mind wander where it may
felt good just to have time
alone ..in my own head
when I felt my balance return
it was time to go
I drove past my old apartment
still looks the same
as if all this time has not even passed
but time has passed
I lived there a life time ago it seems
on my way home I had one more stop
it's a walking bridge as your leaving St.Clair
used to love walking down the walking trail close to it
but this time of year
it's a muddy mess
so I stayed to the bridge
snapped another picture
and then drove home with a since of peace
was a wonderful way to spend a few hours
at the end of a busy week
Past blog I wanted to share
for those who didn't follow me
June 5, 2008 - Thursday
A little help from my friend
Recently I went to the grave of long time friend Jim Quick ..
he passed several years ago after an accident
See when I am sad or when I am confused about my emotions ..
specially when my past comes back to my present
I find myself standing at his grave asking him what I should do
asking him to understand .
I sit on the ground besides his grave and I talk ..
everything and anything comes pouring out and while I wish with all my might he could just tell me what to do ..
he cant respond and I knew that.
But deep inside of myself I hear his voice..I hear his laugh ..I feel his presence
and even though I didn't get the advice I need those times.
I always feel better just being there with him.
Recently the loss of someone I once knew sent me back to Jim's grave.
As I stood at his grave with tears flowing down my cheeks.
I started to speak
I asked first if he knows whats happen ..my heart was so heavy I couldn't even express the words out loud to what I wanted to tell him
all I could do was to think
find him Jim ..go to him ..comfort him Jim
it all happen so fast ..
The sound of a car pulling up brought my attention to the driveway of the cemetery
A car had pulled up right behind mine and tooted its horn ..
I couldn't tell who it was ..the sun shinning brightly in my eyes.
So I started to walk towards the car..when the light haired women yelled out ..
It's me!! Jimmy's mom!
I walked over to her car ..I had not seen her in years ..some time ago she moved away from the area
I was truly shocked she was there.
She asked are you here visiting my Jimmy? I said yes I come quite often
she smiled and said I remember your face but I am sorry I can't remember your name. I told her my name,who I was once ..she smiled said well it's wonderful to see you here Jimmy loves that you still visit him.
I smiled it was plain to see I was visibly upset so she asked what did you come to talk to my Jimmy about today?
So I told her about the accident that took Dan's life..that I was here to ask Jim to watch over him and his family. She smiled and said you always where such a sweet girl ...glad to see that has not changed. She then said well Lorri you and I both know that Dan is ok ..he is home with God now.
I shook my head said yes ... said I know he is but I needed to do something...and talking to Jim always helps ..
she smiled said I am so proud to know my boy touched your life this way.
We talked for a long while about life..about her grand children about my life and where it's at now. I told her how I was torn between wanting to show my respects and not wanting to hurt or cause any stress on anyone by being there..
She reached out and squeezed my hand ..said divorce does not mean you no longer care or feel for the other Lorri and it's ok to admit you do still care ..
you should go if that's what you feel or don't go and find another way to show you care...
she reached out and hugged me as tears ran down my cheeks I love you Lorri and so does my Jimmy she said.
I was in awe of that moment.
As the embrace ended she said well I must be off have a long drive ahead of me
I said ohh so you where just here for today?
she said yes I come to straiten Jimmy's grave..
the thought popped into my head yesterday and I drove down this morning....I was just leaving when I saw you standing here..
Now you stay here and talk to Jimmy it will help..
In that moment I knew this was not just a coincidence
I said well honestly I think I feel a bit better now ..
I think Jim sent you to talk to me today..
she smiled said maybe so ..
maybe he sent you here today to remind me was a great son I had and how he touched his friends lives.
we both smiled with tears forming in our eyes..as she waved good by
I knew I had just experienced something so wonderful.
As I sat back at Jim's grave I thanked him for finding a way to help me when I needed his help so badly this time...
I am truly blessed