Friday, March 13, 2009

a question posted

Julie at :
posted this question to her fellow bloggers

If you had to choose the single biggest mistake you've made so far in life, what would it be?

when I think about my biggest mistakes
I think back to my life when I was a young person age 14 to 28
I made so many poor choices for myself
many times my intuition screaming at me and I ignored it
I hurt people I loved
But I hurt myself more I think
because they moved on
and here I am.. writing about it ..still till this day
but when I think of all the mistakes I made back then
seeking someone to fill something within me
that nobody could have possibly filled
seeking to fit in a world
where I couldn't possibly fit
abusing my body and spirit
while abusing the spirit of people I loved
and back then not even knowing I was doing it
But all these things where caused by a bigger mistake
and if I had told someone
really told someone
asked for help ..
if someone would have seen my actions as what they where
and not just assumed I was just a bad person
a "troubled girl"
if someone would have asked me why
I may have shared with them my biggest mistake
it was the day I turned 12
I shared my birthday with a friend
we had a party at her house
three of us sneak out after midnight
walking to my friends uncles house
I had a sick feeling in my gut
writing this gives me that same feeling now
the "fun" that my friend promised that night
tore my world apart
I was lead into a world of pure hell
I was molested that night
silent but yet screaming inside
I had no choices that night
a gun lay on a table near the bed
to this day that is what I remember most
I believed he would hurt my family if I had ever told
so I didn't ..
till I was in my late twenties
but never did I ever talk to that friend again
passing her in the halls at school
I felt such shame
I went silent but yet screaming inside
I screamed inside for so long after that
I wish I had been strong enough to tell
not only for my sake but for that friend
the hell her life must have been
with the abuser being her uncle down the street.
I moved forward in life with that screaming inside
it lasted many years
lead me to many things I am not proud of
but with time and experience
I know even the darkest moments of our lives
make us better ..more compassionate people
and while I still feel somewhat "changed" and challenged by it
I learned to listen to my intuition
that silent scream .. in your gut
when something is just not right
I learned to trust myself
I learned to trust and give love freely
I learned what unhealthy relationships where
and remove myself from them when I need too
and each mistake I made for myself after the fact
helped me come to the place in my life I am now
be the person I am today
if I had not made these mistakes
I wouldn't have learned so much about myself over the years
it's been quite a journey ..
to find the real me and I am still finding myself everyday.


Amit Yadav said...

You've learned lessons from your life well enough...
Nice to know about a headstrong person like you!

Me said...

Amen!!! Everything has led you to this moment!!

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Wow! I found you on Julie's site. Your blog is so creative and amazing. I'm glad I landed here.

Musings of the Mrs. said...

Sounds like you and I had similar pre-teen and teenage years. Thanks for sharing....and good luck with the quitting smoking. I tried recently (wrote it on my blog and everything) only to give up AGAIN. Its so hard. I hope you make it.

Elle Custom Jewelry said...

We all make mistakes, the most important thing is to learn from them. You wouldn't be the person you are today if you hadn't made those choice.

ModernMom said...

Hugs to you....