Wednesday, March 25, 2009

thoughts for today

Gosh it's already Wednesday
yet to write anything in my blog
sat down many times
to write
but nothing seemed to come to my mind
bits and pieces of memories I wanted to share
but the words just don't come
Grandma D is doing well
recovering and feeling better then she has in a long while
I am glad
Grandpa ray is about the same
nothing new to report
I been so busy lately
it's been hard to find the time to stop
and visit for long
the last couple visits have been short
he has been grumpy and does not even know who I am
tells me "nurse put me to bed "
over and over again
My dads doing alright
has a doctors appointment tomorrow
that we put off last week
when I was just to busy to manage
Today I did some running in the morning
have the rest of the day to myself
where I plan on focusing on writing
since I don't feel like doing much else
it's cold and raining
the type of day that just leaves you feeling blah
woke up this morning
in tears
feeling awful
my dreams where upsetting
I been working through them
trying to remember
all the bits and pieces
so I might make sense of why
I am dreaming of him again
last time the dreams came on this strong
he had a loss in his family
I pray that's not it
not again ..not this soon
I pray everything is alright
I am sure the guilt
over dreaming of him again
will come sooner or later
but it's waited energy
I know that
I can't control my dreams
and it's not as if I dream of us
in the romantic sense
we are just talking
sometimes it's calm
and comforting
other times it drains me
spend the day trying to shake that feeling
today's that day for me I guess
My dreams tell me a lot about myself
and my life
people around me
and I have always felt blessed by having them
but sometimes
like today
I think if they would just stop .....
then I think
I would then miss them
It's just part of who I am
have to accept that
and in many ways I do
I don't hide the fact I have these dreams
I usually call my mom
lol yes my mommy !
I can tell her anything
I tell D when he see's me in my mood
after I wake up...
there's no hiding it
I don't go into detail
only cause I can't
till later when I can have some quiet time to reflect
and put all the pieces together
plus going into details
would be hurtful
after all dreaming about a man from my past
couldn't be all so comforting to the man in my life
But he knows enough
that I don't feel I am hiding something
It's been so many years
you would think
by now
these would stop
but I dream for a reason
I have to believe that
or I'd have to admit I am a bit screwy
maybe a bit of both? lol

no need to comment on that last part lol


Vegas Linda Lou said...

Very nice, as always.

Ashley @ The Happy Little Home said...

That was a great post. You have such a dedication to your family.