Tuesday, April 28, 2009

sick sick sick

Yes I feel as bad as I look ..lol

Monday, April 27, 2009

Fuzzy thought's

It's Monday
where did last week go?
it was a crazy busy week
with my dad being sick
and a visit from my niece
It was good to see her again
I was sad to see her go
but accept that she lives so far away
in so many ways she's all grown up now
and in so many ways she's still a young girl
got to see her old friends
it was a nice visit
Dads been weak
sleeping a lot
complaining his head feels fuzzy
which can be something other then his CHF
we didn't really know till today
when I woke up feeling fuzzy
my chest hurts
I feel weak
what ever he had ...
I now have
I can't be sick
I refuse to be sick
but I think I'm sick
my legs ache
my head is pounding
I am sick
called checked on mom and dad
mom feels the same way
dad is about the same
like there was not enough to deal with
now we all have a BUG!
So today I sit here
fuzzy in the head
updating my blog
I miss writing when I am away
few weeks ago I said life was finally calming down
then bam!
life gets to busy to sit down
share my thought's
maybe I should stop
saying life's calmed down
cause every time it seems I say it
something happens
do I jinx myself?

spring has come
I think it's here to stay now
and that's something wonderful
I was so ready for winter to be done
now watch ..I said that
it will snow ..

maybe I need to stop talking
I think in my fuzzy state
I should step away from the keyboard


happy Monday !!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

an update

I'm tired
been a long weekend
been a long week already
and it's only Tuesday lol
it's been a rough couple days for my dad
we spent most of the night last night
in the ER
He was doing well at home
we saw the doctor Monday morning
things where going well
most the fluid was gone
It was a cold rainy day here
I hated taking him out in it
but we had to go
things where looking better
10 lbs of fluid gone
in 4 days
(wish I could lose 10 lbs in 4 days lol)
we got home
things where fine
dad laid down for a nap
I went home
a few hours later
mom calls
dad having hard time breathing
and he is shaking bad.
So I jumped back in the car
drove over
after checking him out
I decide to call an ambulance
to take him to the ER
just to have him checked over
My thought's first went to
that maybe all the lasix
he has taken the last couple days
maybe he got to much
I remembered reading something about
some side effects of lasix
its best to have it checked out
Now we didn't need an ambulance really
but something some people don't think about
is that if you are brought into a hospital by ambulance
you don't have to wait
you are seen right away
walk in's have to wait.
We don't wait anymore
years ago we drove him in
during a medical emergency
and we waited 3 hours in the ER
before he was finally seen
anyway last night I followed
the ambulance to the hospital
they ran some tests
hooked him up checked him out
gave him a chest xray
and another dose of lasix
and put in a catheter
while we waited for results
we watched tv
some beauty pageant
and waited
the shaking had stopped
he was breathing better
I teased him that half naked women
cured him lol
The doctor finally came in
around 2 am
said they wanted to keep him over night
run more tests
that yes he still has some fluid on him
a few more days of lasix
should help
dad says I can do that from home
the doctor says yes u probably can
but we will still like to keep you
I must agree with dad
he will rest better at home
I am 8 minutes away
I asked if he could go home on the cath
they looked at me strange lol
I said he could rest better if he didn't have to get up
every 15 to 20 minutes
I said I will take him to his own doctor within 2 days
to have it removed
I explain I am a CNA
and do know how to empty and clean the bag
that it's not a problem
the doctor tilts his head
and says okay
we can do that
As soon as I said that
I was on my own lol
well you get him dressed
and I'll send in a wheel chair
and he was gone
after I helped him dress
I opened the door
the wheel chair sat outside the door
I got him settled
and started wheeling him out
I passed the doctor
OH here let me help you
I tell him I need to go get my car
he says we will meet you out front
I pull around
here is my dad out in the cold rain
left alone sitting in the chair
in front of the hospital emergency front doors
he couldn't wait inside with him till I pulled up?
it took everything I had not to put my father in the car
and walk my ass back in and give him a piece of my mind
but it's late and dad needs to get home in bed
But that is not going to stop me from calling today
and voicing my issue with that doctor.
I know they are busy
but damn
fucking get a clue
you don't leave a sick man out in the cold rain.
We got home and I got him settled and in bed
I went home but didn't sleep well
up this morning at 7 am to go check on him
helped him get cleaned up and made him some breakfast
he took his meds as I walked around picking up this and that
and tossing it in the garbage
the man never tosses anything away lol

came home and now unwinding
should lay down and sleep
but my minds wide awake
maybe writing will help
so here I sit and type
I take a deep breath
it's going to be a long week

Thursday, April 16, 2009

morning thoughts..afternoon worries (updated)

I was really happy to see my previous post
was commented on in such a positive way
sometimes after I hit send
I have a moment of feeling a bit naked
I will also admit to returning back and tweeking
a few posts from time to time
just because I couldn't shake that feeling
of exposing more then I guess I was ready for.
when I started this blog
I really didn't invite many friends to come read
I didn't tell my family I moved my blogs
Sure they can find me
if they googled my ass lol
but they wont
so when I sit down to write it's just me
alone in my head
it seems for the most part
I need to be alone in the house to write
I am up every morning early these days
almost like it's morning
time to write
like it's a job
I love to go to
and I do
but it's not a job
I just love it lol
I need to be alone so
I can sit and get into the mind set to write
I turn on the tv
on some stupid show
on purpose..lol
so I don't get my attention drawn away from what I am doing
that why I need to be alone
someone here forget about it lol
accept when gramps lived here
I could write with him being here
he napped a lot
some days it comes easy
words just flow out on the page
and the words fit what I am feeling
others I just can't past the first line
or can't even express what I want to share at all
and find myself wondering off
reading blogs
checking my emails
reading the wall at facebook
yess...and play Yoville sometimes ..ok to much
checking my..myspace
then I wonder off doing laundry ,dishes
If I can't write ..
well least I can have a clean house right? lol
Now that grandma d has the green light to drive
I should be home a lot more
yeah still do for my mom and dad
but the lighter load is quite a relief
while I felt good helping her
I feel good when I have time to write too
I started another blog
this ones a story blog
pages from her story
I don't know if I am any good at writing stories
but writing the story has been something
I have wanted to do for a long time
and while things have calmed down in my life
while my attention
is not being pulled
in a million different directions
I am going to write it
It's not a short story
the story will span many years
and as the pages of text add up
maybe I will learn to be a better story writer.
there's a few reason's why I want to write this story
but the most valid reason is because I need to do it for me
Just as I do this blog
you know
I spend much time alone in my head
I am for the most part a serious person
Don't get me wrong ..I have a sense of humor
but the only thing that flows ..it seems
when I sit down to write
are the thoughts running through my head
my hearts voice
my souls voice
I don't know what it is
but it's there
I just type the words
it tells me to write
sounds a bit crazy lol
oh well
naked moment lol

afternoon worries...

Shortly after posting this morning blog
mom called and asked if I could come over
I said what's wrong?
Dad was having a bit of a trouble breathing
it been going on for about 5 days she says
Umm I am just hearing about it now?
We talk every single day
matter of fact
was just there the night before
but dad was sleeping
nobody said a word ..

I called the doctor
we can see him in a few hours
or we can go to the ER, I told him
he wanted to wait
His congestive heart failure is out of control again
he had all the warning signs the past week
he admitted it to the doctor
Yet he didn't do what he knows he is suppose to do
double his lasix for three days
if no change go to see the doctor
at the point he is now
he should be in the hospital
but doc said ok to stay home
and do the medication
if no change in his breathing within 48 hours
go to the ER
We have gone through so many times
even with his mother my grandmother
she acted the same way
about taking her meds and taking the signs of their disease seriously
I asked him if I had to come over every day and look at him
why am I only hearing about this now
now that you can't breath
damn I rather have to pee all day then not be able to take a deep breath
I understand he hates it
I understand he is mad as hell
that he has this disease
but I can't help unless he helps himself too
first day you could dismiss the feelings I can understand that
but 5 days and 10 lb weight gain of fluid?
I want to scream
I want to shake him
I want him to be responsible for his health
I can only help when he tells me somethings wrong
makes me so mad
I am mad
but it also scares me
one of these times
he is gona let it go to far
to come back from
I know if we moved there
I could keep a better eye on him
and at some point I know
I will need too
but I am not ready for that point yet
He is home
I pray the the meds do the trick
so he don't need to go to the hospital
please say some prayers for him.

Monday, April 13, 2009

broken foundations

Building anything on a broken foundation
is never a smart idea ..

I don't know where I heard it
But it's been in my head for for a long,long time

But when I heard it
I didn't think about "houses"
I thought about relationships
I thought about myself
there's been so many points in my life
that I started building relationships
when I was not in a place emotionally to start anything
but I went ahead anyway
and started to build on broken foundation
thinking that the relationship could "fix me"
I know I am not alone in this
we all do it
let's face it life don't stop
because your emotionally broken or damaged
Gosh in some ways I feel I had been emotionally broken
most my life
but what stands out the most is
since I was ten
when my Nana who raised me died of cancer
when my parents filed for divorce..just weeks later
and then the custody fight for me started.
then when I was 12
which I have talked about before

all these experiences I had
started a crack in my foundation
I just didn't know it then
Do so wish ..I had

By the time I met D
I knew I was broken
something was broken within me
I had become a person I didn't want to be
Hurt people I loved
cheated on my spouse
threw what was my life..

when we met
D's foundation was broken too
maybe that's part of our connection in the beginning
he was raised by an alcoholic abusive father
many of his family members are alcoholic's
and when I met D he was also a alcoholic
but I didn't see it ..
ok maybe I saw it but I didn't think much of it
didn't think about that crack in the foundation
I didn't really understand what it was
to be an alcoholic
I had no idea..
how hard it would be experiencing the man in my life
choose alcohol over everything ..
including me
for many of our beginning years
his drinking separated us
more times then I can count
lost us more things then I can say
lost trust
lost hopes
lost love
lost respect
I can go on and on
and at times during this journey
when we where separated
My focus remained on me
and my journey began to figure out
how to fix my foundation
I started to see a therapist
I went on and off for a couple years
started to heal some old wounds
I started focusing on my spiritual self
my relationship with my higher power.
I never felt I had any other choice
but to protect myself from his demons

His focus remained on him
but some how
some way
with my faith and his too
with love in our hearts
we found a way through
those tough years
D has been in recovery
for 6 years now
he fought those demons
still fight's them today
he doesn't want to lose
what we have rebuilt
and neither do I
I believe it was a journey for both of us
to fix our broken foundations
so we could rebuild us
on a more solid foundation.
the choices
the experiences
that brought us to this point
where all worth it
we are better people ...
stronger ..
more respectful
and have more hope for the future
We learned that relationships are never easy
but some are worth the fight..

but if I was to give someone advice today ..
who's in pain and feeling broken like I did once
I would tell them to take the time
to work on them selves ..
before getting involved with someone else.
Nobody can "fix you" and you can't "fix" anyone else

My Nana used to say something to me..
she said that only the fool needs to learn lessons from their own experiences
so learn from the mistakes of the people around you.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

a little note to little leaguers.. from Gracie

If your the ball goes over the fence ..
and out of the park ..
and into my yard ..

It's MINE!

Ps... your welcome to come take it from me...if U dare lol

Friday, April 10, 2009


He is a man of few words
but he shows his love
every day
in the simplest of ways
He is complicated
we are complicated
What started out as an affair
became something more
Something neither of us can label
He is my best friend
Through the years
staying friends was never easy
He can be his worst enemy
We met
when I had stopped believing in happy ever after
He was looking for his way out
Neither of us expected
what would come to be
through separations and tribulations in our life
we have remained friends
He is the only person in my life
that never closed me out
even when I deserved it
I pushed and Pushed
yet he stood next to me
I say we are complicated
because we are
So many times he has had to fight his demons
Those demons I am unable to love
But the man he really is
the one he is when his demons are at rest
is a caring
compassionate man who I love
He is my best friend
Our relationship is in a place
I never thought It would be
Knowing all we have been through for the last couple years
all the reasons we had to move on with our lives
We still fight to stay in each others lives
We are really total opposites
We don't agree on
what to see
what to listen too
what we enjoy doing
He is the outdoorsy type
I am an air condition kind of girl
He is high strung almost hyper
I am even tempered for the most part
I am spiritual, I have faith
he goes through life with only glimpses of what spiritual means
I read the signs in things
he believes I see them
But he doesn't always think we should listen to what they say
He likes to leave things where he takes them off
I like to have everything in it's place

We really have nothing much in common
but our souls connection

When life gets rough
we have each other in our lives.
and that's something most people search for
I have a feeling that no matter where our paths lead us
we will always be..
Tripping over each others stuff
Fighting about this and that
and being there for each other no matter what..

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

this and that

I am two weeks behind on updates
Its been a quiet week here for me
but the words just didn't flow
I have felt tired
not sleeping all that well
the dreams ..
when I am tired
it just seems I can't sit and think
let alone write my jumbled thoughts
To bring you up to date
grandma d is doing very well
with her new pace maker
she feels better then she has in years
just as I told her she would
Doctors gave her the green light
to drive again
so she is one happy lady
Last week I was suppose to take her for her check up
but my dad had an appointment on the same day ..
around the same time
they needed to run some tests
and I couldn't ..
wouldn't really
change his appointment again
I let k know about 5 days in advance
figuring this would give her the time she needed
to arrange to have the day off
or one of her sister's to have the day off
I have not heard from k since
the following day I took grandma d to her cancer doctor
we had a good day
talked ..had a nice lunch together
she was very excited that she could drive again
within the next couple days
after I dropped her off
I have not heard from her since
it seems to me
me saying no I can't
has done ticked them both off
I was hearing from the both
now nothing
not even a call to say hey
how is your dad
did the testing go well?
I can say I feel used
I thought a relationship with D's grandmother
was forming
but it appears to me now that
that relationship is based on what I can do for them
not what I thought
but not everyone
looks at family like I do
I understand that
maybe its because I can't have a family of my own
that I need to make the one given to me
the best it can be
but some people are just not built that way
I get it
but I am different
I don't know how at this point
to change and turn all this onto myself
worry about myself more
do only if there's something in for me
all I can do is accept
and do what I do
because it makes me feel good inside
As I said earlier
it's been a quiet week
been cleaning
been playing on face book
going for my walks again
Until winter revisited earlier this week
We are still doing a lot for mom and dad
but they are always there for me when I need them
they are truly one of the two
most healthy relationships
in my life
cause I work hardest at them
they are the people in my life
that are there for me
in good times
and bad times
when I was a selfish person
and stand behind me being who I am today
they are who makes me...

Dad is doing ok
we have to go back next week
for them to run a few more tests
but he is doing good for someone with his condition
Grandpa ray
is about the same
very confused
it's so hard to see him that way
I visit
then I try to put it out of my mind
accept what is
and pray that he has some sort of inner peace

The sun is out this morning..
still snow on the ground
and its cold ...

I wish spring would spring back into Michigan

Monday, April 6, 2009

Winter returns

Got to LOVE Michigan
Last week 70 deg nice sunny ,warm

Gracie loved it!
I hated it ... lol

Friday, April 3, 2009

do me a favor...PLEASE!!

fellow blogger Julie
has been blogging for one year today!
please drop over and wish her a Happy Blogiversary!
she would love to hit 100 comments!!
Lets help her out!
and while your there read her blog
she is one funny lady!

Happy Blogiversary! Julie!!!

It's been a crazy week
no time to sit and write it all out yet
maybe this weekend ..I'll catch up soon!!

Have a GREAT weekend!!!