Monday, April 13, 2009

broken foundations

Building anything on a broken foundation
is never a smart idea ..

I don't know where I heard it
But it's been in my head for for a long,long time

But when I heard it
I didn't think about "houses"
I thought about relationships
I thought about myself
there's been so many points in my life
that I started building relationships
when I was not in a place emotionally to start anything
but I went ahead anyway
and started to build on broken foundation
thinking that the relationship could "fix me"
I know I am not alone in this
we all do it
let's face it life don't stop
because your emotionally broken or damaged
Gosh in some ways I feel I had been emotionally broken
most my life
but what stands out the most is
since I was ten
when my Nana who raised me died of cancer
when my parents filed for divorce..just weeks later
and then the custody fight for me started.
then when I was 12
which I have talked about before

all these experiences I had
started a crack in my foundation
I just didn't know it then
Do so wish ..I had

By the time I met D
I knew I was broken
something was broken within me
I had become a person I didn't want to be
Hurt people I loved
cheated on my spouse
threw what was my life..

when we met
D's foundation was broken too
maybe that's part of our connection in the beginning
he was raised by an alcoholic abusive father
many of his family members are alcoholic's
and when I met D he was also a alcoholic
but I didn't see it ..
ok maybe I saw it but I didn't think much of it
didn't think about that crack in the foundation
I didn't really understand what it was
to be an alcoholic
I had no idea..
how hard it would be experiencing the man in my life
choose alcohol over everything ..
including me
for many of our beginning years
his drinking separated us
more times then I can count
lost us more things then I can say
lost trust
lost hopes
lost love
lost respect
I can go on and on
and at times during this journey
when we where separated
My focus remained on me
and my journey began to figure out
how to fix my foundation
I started to see a therapist
I went on and off for a couple years
started to heal some old wounds
I started focusing on my spiritual self
my relationship with my higher power.
I never felt I had any other choice
but to protect myself from his demons

His focus remained on him
but some how
some way
with my faith and his too
with love in our hearts
we found a way through
those tough years
D has been in recovery
for 6 years now
he fought those demons
still fight's them today
he doesn't want to lose
what we have rebuilt
and neither do I
I believe it was a journey for both of us
to fix our broken foundations
so we could rebuild us
on a more solid foundation.
the choices
the experiences
that brought us to this point
where all worth it
we are better people ...
stronger ..
more respectful
and have more hope for the future
We learned that relationships are never easy
but some are worth the fight..

but if I was to give someone advice today ..
who's in pain and feeling broken like I did once
I would tell them to take the time
to work on them selves ..
before getting involved with someone else.
Nobody can "fix you" and you can't "fix" anyone else

My Nana used to say something to me..
she said that only the fool needs to learn lessons from their own experiences
so learn from the mistakes of the people around you.


Missy said...

WOW! Very good post! Your Nana's words are so true! I only wish I learned more lessons...

Lorri said...

Don't we all Missy ...don't we all lol and thanks!

ModernMom said...

Sounds like you are doing the right things for you.

On another the new blog layout!

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Amazing. So powerful, Lorri. I pray that D is able to keep the demons at length and that you two can have a happy life together. I can relate to so much you've written. Well done!

Lorri said...

thank you Linda!! I am glad people can relate to my writing

Lorri said...

modernmom I am glad you like the new feels a bit more scrapbook like to me now.

♥Trina♥ said...

Very powerful words! I'm going to make sure my friend Kristen reads this tomorrow. She has a broken foundation--and we are so afraid it is on the verge of complete collapse.

nikkicrumpet said...

Your Nana was one very smart lady. I hope you guys continue on the path you're on. It's a tough road with the best of must be soooo very much harder starting from such a rough place.