Thursday, April 16, 2009

morning thoughts..afternoon worries (updated)

I was really happy to see my previous post
was commented on in such a positive way
sometimes after I hit send
I have a moment of feeling a bit naked
I will also admit to returning back and tweeking
a few posts from time to time
just because I couldn't shake that feeling
of exposing more then I guess I was ready for.
when I started this blog
I really didn't invite many friends to come read
I didn't tell my family I moved my blogs
Sure they can find me
if they googled my ass lol
but they wont
so when I sit down to write it's just me
alone in my head
it seems for the most part
I need to be alone in the house to write
I am up every morning early these days
almost like it's morning
time to write
like it's a job
I love to go to
and I do
but it's not a job
I just love it lol
I need to be alone so
I can sit and get into the mind set to write
I turn on the tv
on some stupid show
so I don't get my attention drawn away from what I am doing
that why I need to be alone
someone here forget about it lol
accept when gramps lived here
I could write with him being here
he napped a lot
some days it comes easy
words just flow out on the page
and the words fit what I am feeling
others I just can't past the first line
or can't even express what I want to share at all
and find myself wondering off
reading blogs
checking my emails
reading the wall at facebook
yess...and play Yoville sometimes ..ok to much
checking my..myspace
then I wonder off doing laundry ,dishes
If I can't write ..
well least I can have a clean house right? lol
Now that grandma d has the green light to drive
I should be home a lot more
yeah still do for my mom and dad
but the lighter load is quite a relief
while I felt good helping her
I feel good when I have time to write too
I started another blog
this ones a story blog
pages from her story
I don't know if I am any good at writing stories
but writing the story has been something
I have wanted to do for a long time
and while things have calmed down in my life
while my attention
is not being pulled
in a million different directions
I am going to write it
It's not a short story
the story will span many years
and as the pages of text add up
maybe I will learn to be a better story writer.
there's a few reason's why I want to write this story
but the most valid reason is because I need to do it for me
Just as I do this blog
you know
I spend much time alone in my head
I am for the most part a serious person
Don't get me wrong ..I have a sense of humor
but the only thing that flows seems
when I sit down to write
are the thoughts running through my head
my hearts voice
my souls voice
I don't know what it is
but it's there
I just type the words
it tells me to write
sounds a bit crazy lol
oh well
naked moment lol

afternoon worries...

Shortly after posting this morning blog
mom called and asked if I could come over
I said what's wrong?
Dad was having a bit of a trouble breathing
it been going on for about 5 days she says
Umm I am just hearing about it now?
We talk every single day
matter of fact
was just there the night before
but dad was sleeping
nobody said a word ..

I called the doctor
we can see him in a few hours
or we can go to the ER, I told him
he wanted to wait
His congestive heart failure is out of control again
he had all the warning signs the past week
he admitted it to the doctor
Yet he didn't do what he knows he is suppose to do
double his lasix for three days
if no change go to see the doctor
at the point he is now
he should be in the hospital
but doc said ok to stay home
and do the medication
if no change in his breathing within 48 hours
go to the ER
We have gone through so many times
even with his mother my grandmother
she acted the same way
about taking her meds and taking the signs of their disease seriously
I asked him if I had to come over every day and look at him
why am I only hearing about this now
now that you can't breath
damn I rather have to pee all day then not be able to take a deep breath
I understand he hates it
I understand he is mad as hell
that he has this disease
but I can't help unless he helps himself too
first day you could dismiss the feelings I can understand that
but 5 days and 10 lb weight gain of fluid?
I want to scream
I want to shake him
I want him to be responsible for his health
I can only help when he tells me somethings wrong
makes me so mad
I am mad
but it also scares me
one of these times
he is gona let it go to far
to come back from
I know if we moved there
I could keep a better eye on him
and at some point I know
I will need too
but I am not ready for that point yet
He is home
I pray the the meds do the trick
so he don't need to go to the hospital
please say some prayers for him.


ModernMom said...

Naked that.
I too love that I can write "uncensored" no one but my Hubby knows about my blog.

Lorri said...

D knows I blog, but he don't read them unless I read them to him lol He is not a computer person at all. He knows how to turn it on and off that's about it lol But then again He loves to fish and I so don't.. I can't (wont lol) bait my own hook or even take the fish off the hook ..yuck lol

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Lorri, I hope your father is on the mend. I was interested to hear the comment you made on my post about my mother. It's not an easy way to live, as you can understand.

"Naked moments." Your writing is beautiful.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Hi Lorri, I also hope your dad has improved and is doing better. My mom had congestive heart failure too but somehow she managed to get over it.

You are a WONDERFUL writer here and in your story (as you know I am a huge fan!)

I'm glad you can share your naked moments here. I wish I could do more of that on my blog.