Friday, May 29, 2009

just talking

It's been to long since my last post
But ...
to overwhelmed to even put words down on the page
I want to thank those who prayed with me
for my niece
I will not go into details
but wanted to let you know she is getting the help she needs
and we all have hope that she will find a way through her pain.
We support and Love you so much Timmi
and will always be there for you..
please never forget that

Last Friday D's grandma W went into the hospital
we where not told till Monday
when we where told,they said she would be fine
home in a few days ..not to worry
by Wednesday everything changed
Grandma W is on life support
and it does not look good
Life support something she didn't ever want
but family was not there at the time
she went into
respiratory failure
so measures where taken
So now we wait ..
we spent a couple hours
at the hospital yesterday afternoon
D stood at the door ..
he could not bring himself to come into the room any further
nurses where working on her
suctioning out her breathing tube
I explained what they where doing
not to be scared
she was fighting them
best she could tied down to the bed
even in a medical induced coma
He couldn't take it and walked down the hall
I stood there rubbing grams leg
letting her know she was not alone
after they finished
I stood close to her
so if she opened her eyes
if she can ..she would see someone she loved
other family came in
I watched as they all spoke to each other
crying ..
never touching her
or speaking to her directly
I see them come in and stand feet away from her
saying their good byes in their minds I assume
thinking about all the things they will miss about grandma
selfishly only thinking how this is effecting them
not really giving it thought what she is going through right now
how scared and alone she must feel
if she can hear us
which I do believe she may
she hears so many things that must be so scary
all these tubes ..all the people she don't know doing things to her
that cause discomfort.
Her family talking as if they have no hope
no faith
it will not be till today when doctors meet with the family
give us word on what is the next step
Aunt J has been with grams everyday
D and I are thankful for that
she has always been there for every member of the family
specially grandma and grandpa w

I remember as a child being so struck with fear
when my Nana Marie died
she died of cancer when I was 10 years old
I couldn't speak
I couldn't touch her
I remember being frozen in fear
asking my mother to express to her that I loved her
I have always held regret that I was unable to express my love
I let that regret go and healed my heart
when I was strong enough to be there when my grandma Millie died
my experience taking care of my grandparents for 7 years
changed me
made me see whats really important
it made me a stronger person
a better person then I ever was
my outlook on life and death
has changed
no matter how scary it may be
you should embrace the love
when you show love
even at the scariest times
it gives you strength
think about what you would want
would you want all the people you love
to stand four feet away
and not touch you
while you are facing ..
the unknown

I believe there is a heaven
I believe it is what we imagine it to be
each of us imagines it a different way
some don't imagine anything at all
it's up to you what the afterlife holds

I pray that when I die
the people in my life
are there loving me
touching me
bringing me comfort
don't you

I know some people are just built differently
I just wish I could make them see
see whats really important
it's the love
Don't let the fear
and sadness
take the place of the

if you find yourself
able to share in those moments
when a life passes on
let the love be what you show
there will be time
to think about all things your going to miss
to think about how this loved one touched your life
let your thoughts be for them in those moments
You can wait

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

please pray

I really can't even talk about this right now
but I need to ask for Prayers for my niece timmi marie
I have never been so scared helpless in my life
please Pray with me for her

quotes that speak to me

If I cannot forgive myself
For all the blunders
That I have made
Over the years,
Then how can I proceed?
How can I ever
Dream perfection-dreams?
Move, I must, forward.
Fly, I must, upward.
Dive, I must, inward,
To be once more
What I truly am
And shall forever remain.

~Sri Chinmoy

Saturday, May 16, 2009

just some thoughts

I believe we all have the ability to connect to mind body and spirit.
As we experience life's ups it is easy to just to glide through life.
It's when life's downs flow through our lives that we begin to question and seek understanding.
For me it's important to not glide through any aspect of life.
We need to question and seek in good times and bad.
It's not always been easy for me to be my spiritual self
While I have been "sensing" things my whole life ..
I didn't accept that it was anything other then my imagination for many years..
I have always looked at things in my life and saw signs in a lot of circumstances.
For many years I ignored these things
told myself as I was told it was all in my head.
It was easy to dismiss things to ignore the signs in my life.
Looking back now I know it was easy to dismiss.
it's taken work, to embrace these things I feel
I have been called crazy
I have been told I am evil
I have been tested every step of they way on my spiritual path.
When I got to the point about 10 years ago that I could no longer worry about being accepted by others.
I needed to accept myself
accept what I feel with my soul.
I began to embrace my spiritual self
started reading every book on the market ..
taking what fit within me and leaving the rest.
I began reading and learning about all types of religions and spiritual beliefs.
I started seeking a greater understanding of Faith .
I wanted to have faith ..
and I didn't know how to obtain it.
Many times I found myself seeking answers in the wrong places.
Looking back I felt it was wrong right away but I dismissed what I felt and thought well I must be wrong.
These wrong ideals made me feel bad about myself
and soon I realized that anything that makes you feel bad about yourself can't be good for me or anyone else.
by any name wants us to explore and grow
does not want to beat us down
Spirit wants to lift us up to a greater sense of self
When I started to listen to my inner self and exploring things that made me feel good about myself and Spirit.
I found myself understanding faith is not something you can just obtain
it's always been there
I just had to accept it.
Just like I had to accept myself
this opened up my world
I started seeing my place in this world differently .
I started to see phases and cycles in my life and in those around me.
I started to see how I can make a real difference in the life of those around me.
I started to see that these people in my life where all placed here for a reason and to embrace the good and bad in all of them ..
Once I accepted myself and Faith I was able to accept others in their lives and beliefs.
I am not saying every relationship in my life is wonderful and a bed of roses lol But in faith I know that if Spirit has a plan for me.
Then I have to accept that there is a plan for all of us
Even when one don't believe
I believe that Spirit still works in their lives everyday

We are all on different levels of spirituality
Some deny any spiritual beliefs
some are just coming into their spiritual self
some are further advanced and live every day a spiritual life.
There are so many levels in between
and this is why acceptance is so important in our lives
once we accept ourselves and our inner knowing
once we accept in ourselves our flaws and all
we then can have the empathy to accept others.
Many times over the years I have been asked and have asked

why is life so hard?
I really didn't have a good answer for that question so I started meditating on that very question
it took weeks to get a response.
it came to me in bits and pieces over time
but I didn't stop asking
At first I was told in meditation
We are here as students
we are here to learn
Life's hard times teach us
Teach us empathy
teach us acceptance ..
I kept pushing I changed the question a bit and asked why do bad things happen to us?
I was told again to teach
Again I changed the question
why is life hard?
at this point I should have known the answers
but I was not ready to accept
This voice came to my mind ..
said if life was all wonderful and joyful
who would seek heaven ?
who would seek him?
who would seek to live a better life?
who would have empathy?
who would explore the inner depth of their souls for answers?

with that
the voice in my mind was gone and my question was now answered.

I finally got it ..and when someone now asks I share this with them ..
Now you would think with all my experiences and my sense of self .
that I would be accepted by others in my life.
You would think that my relationships are all healthy and on track ..
but they are not
and most likely never will
because we are all on these different levels
we don't always see eye to eye
many times I have been told I am to emotional
(they label my inner sense emotional )
that I cant be trusted to make decisions
because I lead in emotion

I don't believe going within seeking answers that resonate in me and saying what's in my heart and soul and living my life exploring my sense, in this way is wrong

I have to live this way
I tried the other way
it didn't work for me ..
and if you look really look within you
it's not working for you either.

Doing whats right "within" ..saying whats in ones heart and soul and living their life that way is not wrong ..
When they are at the point I am on my spiritual path
then they will see
know and feel too..
I try to surround myself with people who lift others up in spirit .
while we can't choose everyone in our lives
We can choose how much involvement we have in those in our lives who want to tear us down
My advice is to learn how to accept yourself ..and then and only then can you accept anyone else.
Once you find acceptance in yourself
you can have these types of relationships and not be effected by their draining effects.
As you grow within...
some relationships will have less and less effects on you
you may even notice these relationships become distant
some may even fade out of your life completely.
You will find yourself seeking other relationships with like minded people
I call it my Soul Family ..
because that's what they are
they may not be of my blood
but they are of my soul.

All Relationships we have all have purpose ..
you just have to figure out weather the purpose is positive or negative..
and only going within and seeking your own sense will tell you which is which.

Recently a friend said to me they don't feel mentally healthy enough to make even simple choices in their lives
they really inspired me to write this whole blog
I have been there and could be again if I didn't live my life this way.
Making choices in our lives
simple ones and ones that have long lasting effects
is really impossible unless one goes within ..

well not impossible you can make them
but the out come may not be what one wants for them selves in the long run.

We have been told many many times live for today!!!
and while I agree we should find joy in every day..

Going within seeking inner guidance for even the simple decisions in life will help you later when even those simple decisions you made have ever lasting effects on your life and those around you..Going within helps you see all aspects of your choices ..helps you see how your choices effect those you love. The more more one seeks answers within they are able to make even the hardest decisions in Faith. Soon it becomes easier and easier to know the answers within.

The trick is to trust in it ..

But in order to go within and trust in it have to go back to acceptance
acceptance in yourself
sometimes that means revisiting our past lessons
acceptance in something greater then you know and see...
while this does take time and effort ..
While you focus within it helps surrounding yourself with positive relationships
you can bounce any thoughts off those who hold a positive place in your life
These are healthy relationship's that will help you separate your fears from reality.
they also help us make knowledgeable choices when it comes to those life changing decisions.

But you have to always follow your own intuition.

Friday, May 8, 2009

I own my truth

sometimes when I write about my ex
I feel guilty
that in some way
Like I am disrespecting my current relationship
by even thinking about my ex
let alone talking about him
Now in reality
I do not speak of him much
unless the subject comes up
But I do think about
my relationship with him
I think about what made me think the way, I did back then
I can look back
and see what triggered what
looking back I can see the links
I can own my truth
I hurt someone I loved
and there is no way I can never make amends for that
I know that even if I could sit down and share my truths
with him, he would not really ever understand
nor would have any reason to believe me
I didn't always understand
but I am working through that
within myself
I am getting there
writing helps
I hold such regret
not regret that the relationship is over
regret that I hurt someone I loved
regret that at times in my life back then
I did not feel worthy of love
worthy of good things
worthy of having my dreams
I didn't have any faith
in myself
in God
or in him
back then I didn't have any faith in anything
I felt no hope
I did things for reasons that now seem to not be any good reason at all
but the fact is I did them
and I now own that truth
I know the things I did
I did so, out of my own personal pain
But I feel I had no right to cause personal pain to someone else
and If I could take that back ..
change that.. I would
Forgive myself ..and be forgiven

when I feel guilt about still thinking about
Him and our past
I remind myself that it was my life
I can't just wave a magic wand and it all just disappear from my life
and even if I could I wouldn't want to forget.

Life has gone on ..its been many many years
since I have even seen him face to face
Last year I contacted his family
when his brother passed away in a tragic accident
I wrote a blog that the family did see
because I was contacted by another family member thanking me
After I sent a sympathy card from myself and my family
I wanted to show my sympathy without causing any added pain
by attending the funeral..or cause any problems for him and his family
I pray often that their hearts are healing and somehow finding comfort in his memory

it was probably shocking to hear from me after all these years
But I was proud that I had the strength to reach out
regardless of what their thought of me is
my heart ached knowing they lost someone they loved
my heart ached that they where in such pain
and I couldn't hide that pain from the people in my life now
they all knew what had happen
and they never questioned the pain I felt with their loss
It was nice not to have to hide my feelings
to be accepted and understood by D
so many years in the beginning of our relationship
I didn't speak of my past relationship much
when I did it was mostly pain talking
you know the things you say when going through a divorce
the anger you take on
how you just focus on all the bad stuff
and the good stuff just don't come to mind anymore
I often wonder why does it have to be that way
is there not a better way to cope with the end of a relationship
I guess endings are never easy
but why do we make the emotional pain worse
on ourselves and those we once loved
by cheating or turning everything to shit
so we can feel better about walking away
how do we excuse causing that pain on someone we love
by turning what was once good shit
how do we hide the real truth
the real problems
by creating more pain
that what I did
I can say now ..I own my truth

My relationship today
is one that I cherish
it's never been easy
but he gets me
he knows my truth
and I know his
when all the pieces of our life
have fallen all around us
we both pick them up and glue them back together
I believe that our past relationships
taught us the tools to be able to do this
so I am thankful for my past
I am thankful that I can now own my truth.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

my gracie

Take time to smell the flowers...
(even if they are weeds! lol)

may 6th

will you ever know
that I loved you enough, to make you go

will you ever know
how much letting you go, hurt me

will you ever know
I needed you to think the worst of me

Will you ever know
the love that still exists in me

will you ever know
How sorry I will always be

will you ever know
how much your life meant to me

will you ever know
How proud of you I am

will you ever know
that I still think of you now and then

will you ever know
that I will always be your friend
even though we can never be friends

will you ever know
the person I have become
the changes in me

will you ever know
I know things now
I didn't know then
about so many things
mostly about myself

will you ever know
if I had to do it all again
I would only change the how..

will you ever know
that I am sorry for what I did

will you ever know
the true reasons behind my actions

will you ever know
I wanted you to have your dreams
they where always more important then my own
even though that might be hard to believe

will you ever know
I am so happy you achieved your dreams

will you ever know
that while life has moved on for me ..
and you ..
this date stays with me
I think it always will
the truth is you stay with me
your love changed my whole life once upon a time
changed who I was forever
and I thank you for that
I don't know where life would had lead me
if it was not for you
coming into my life when you did ..

will you ever know
I cherish our time forever

will you ever know
and if you did
it wouldn't change anything
this I know
but maybe, just maybe
I could forgive myself ..