Friday, May 8, 2009

I own my truth

sometimes when I write about my ex
I feel guilty
that in some way
Like I am disrespecting my current relationship
by even thinking about my ex
let alone talking about him
Now in reality
I do not speak of him much
unless the subject comes up
But I do think about
my relationship with him
I think about what made me think the way, I did back then
I can look back
and see what triggered what
looking back I can see the links
I can own my truth
I hurt someone I loved
and there is no way I can never make amends for that
I know that even if I could sit down and share my truths
with him, he would not really ever understand
nor would have any reason to believe me
I didn't always understand
but I am working through that
within myself
I am getting there
writing helps
I hold such regret
not regret that the relationship is over
regret that I hurt someone I loved
regret that at times in my life back then
I did not feel worthy of love
worthy of good things
worthy of having my dreams
I didn't have any faith
in myself
in God
or in him
back then I didn't have any faith in anything
I felt no hope
I did things for reasons that now seem to not be any good reason at all
but the fact is I did them
and I now own that truth
I know the things I did
I did so, out of my own personal pain
But I feel I had no right to cause personal pain to someone else
and If I could take that back ..
change that.. I would
Forgive myself ..and be forgiven

when I feel guilt about still thinking about
Him and our past
I remind myself that it was my life
I can't just wave a magic wand and it all just disappear from my life
and even if I could I wouldn't want to forget.

Life has gone on ..its been many many years
since I have even seen him face to face
Last year I contacted his family
when his brother passed away in a tragic accident
I wrote a blog that the family did see
because I was contacted by another family member thanking me
After I sent a sympathy card from myself and my family
I wanted to show my sympathy without causing any added pain
by attending the funeral..or cause any problems for him and his family
I pray often that their hearts are healing and somehow finding comfort in his memory

it was probably shocking to hear from me after all these years
But I was proud that I had the strength to reach out
regardless of what their thought of me is
my heart ached knowing they lost someone they loved
my heart ached that they where in such pain
and I couldn't hide that pain from the people in my life now
they all knew what had happen
and they never questioned the pain I felt with their loss
It was nice not to have to hide my feelings
to be accepted and understood by D
so many years in the beginning of our relationship
I didn't speak of my past relationship much
when I did it was mostly pain talking
you know the things you say when going through a divorce
the anger you take on
how you just focus on all the bad stuff
and the good stuff just don't come to mind anymore
I often wonder why does it have to be that way
is there not a better way to cope with the end of a relationship
I guess endings are never easy
but why do we make the emotional pain worse
on ourselves and those we once loved
by cheating or turning everything to shit
so we can feel better about walking away
how do we excuse causing that pain on someone we love
by turning what was once good shit
how do we hide the real truth
the real problems
by creating more pain
that what I did
I can say now ..I own my truth

My relationship today
is one that I cherish
it's never been easy
but he gets me
he knows my truth
and I know his
when all the pieces of our life
have fallen all around us
we both pick them up and glue them back together
I believe that our past relationships
taught us the tools to be able to do this
so I am thankful for my past
I am thankful that I can now own my truth.


dadshouse said...

Nice post. It's good to look back on old relationships, to learn from them. And I agree, writing is cathartic.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Beautiful post! Sometimes relationships are stepping stones; some people come into our lives with the purpose of taking us to the next level. And sometimes we have a different agenda for the relationship, and it takes a lot out of us to realize that!