Friday, May 29, 2009

just talking

It's been to long since my last post
But ...
to overwhelmed to even put words down on the page
I want to thank those who prayed with me
for my niece
I will not go into details
but wanted to let you know she is getting the help she needs
and we all have hope that she will find a way through her pain.
We support and Love you so much Timmi
and will always be there for you..
please never forget that

Last Friday D's grandma W went into the hospital
we where not told till Monday
when we where told,they said she would be fine
home in a few days ..not to worry
by Wednesday everything changed
Grandma W is on life support
and it does not look good
Life support something she didn't ever want
but family was not there at the time
she went into
respiratory failure
so measures where taken
So now we wait ..
we spent a couple hours
at the hospital yesterday afternoon
D stood at the door ..
he could not bring himself to come into the room any further
nurses where working on her
suctioning out her breathing tube
I explained what they where doing
not to be scared
she was fighting them
best she could tied down to the bed
even in a medical induced coma
He couldn't take it and walked down the hall
I stood there rubbing grams leg
letting her know she was not alone
after they finished
I stood close to her
so if she opened her eyes
if she can ..she would see someone she loved
other family came in
I watched as they all spoke to each other
crying ..
never touching her
or speaking to her directly
I see them come in and stand feet away from her
saying their good byes in their minds I assume
thinking about all the things they will miss about grandma
selfishly only thinking how this is effecting them
not really giving it thought what she is going through right now
how scared and alone she must feel
if she can hear us
which I do believe she may
she hears so many things that must be so scary
all these tubes ..all the people she don't know doing things to her
that cause discomfort.
Her family talking as if they have no hope
no faith
it will not be till today when doctors meet with the family
give us word on what is the next step
Aunt J has been with grams everyday
D and I are thankful for that
she has always been there for every member of the family
specially grandma and grandpa w

I remember as a child being so struck with fear
when my Nana Marie died
she died of cancer when I was 10 years old
I couldn't speak
I couldn't touch her
I remember being frozen in fear
asking my mother to express to her that I loved her
I have always held regret that I was unable to express my love
I let that regret go and healed my heart
when I was strong enough to be there when my grandma Millie died
my experience taking care of my grandparents for 7 years
changed me
made me see whats really important
it made me a stronger person
a better person then I ever was
my outlook on life and death
has changed
no matter how scary it may be
you should embrace the love
when you show love
even at the scariest times
it gives you strength
think about what you would want
would you want all the people you love
to stand four feet away
and not touch you
while you are facing ..
the unknown

I believe there is a heaven
I believe it is what we imagine it to be
each of us imagines it a different way
some don't imagine anything at all
it's up to you what the afterlife holds

I pray that when I die
the people in my life
are there loving me
touching me
bringing me comfort
don't you

I know some people are just built differently
I just wish I could make them see
see whats really important
it's the love
Don't let the fear
and sadness
take the place of the
LOVE

if you find yourself
able to share in those moments
when a life passes on
let the love be what you show
there will be time
to think about all things your going to miss
to think about how this loved one touched your life
let your thoughts be for them in those moments
You can wait

2 comments:

ModernMom said...

This is a powerful post. Hope you and your family find the strength you need. Hugs from the bloggy world.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Oh, Lorri, what a beautiful post. So appropriate for me to read right now.

My prayers go out to Grandma W and your niece, Timmi. Thank you for your beautiful blog.