Tuesday, July 28, 2009

this and that

my parents other daughter
is coming to town today
she and her husband
are taking dad on a fishing trip
which worries me
he has been so weak
I hope he will be okay
I hope this trip does not make him sick
dads balance has been so bad
I hope he will be okay
taking him out on a fishing boat
I don't know if that is a good idea
but what can I do..
Its up to him
today he is having second thoughts
I am glad she wants to make these memories
doing something dad once loved
but I worry
see he gets down on him self
when he can't do things
he used to do
anything stressful
makes him have bad days
3 days away from home
I don't know
the last time she
was in town
they took him to a race
only away for a day
but for 10 days after
he was weak
but I do believe he enjoyed himself
its just what happens after
when shes long gone
and I have to step in and take care of everything
so I guess
I am torn
I hope everything turns out alright
I most likely
will not see her
and that's okay with me
she got into town last night
staying with my parents other child
you may wonder why I put it that way
well that's what they are to me
there is no connection between us anymore
never really was
I have always felt like an only child
maybe the age difference
maybe the complete difference
in how we see the world
maybe cause the meaning of
"family" means something totally different
to all of us
maybe a combination of the three

recently I been a bit peeved
not writing much
avoiding the things that been pissing me off
are better then venting it ..even here
but today I needed to write
went to d's families over the 4th
not there ten minutes
when his aunt asks
when are you two going to get around to having kids
d's mom laughed said yeah
I sat there in shock
not sure what to even say
first thing I could think of
was I was old to be having kids now
not that 39 is to old
I feel to old though
but d's mom knows
I can't have kids
I don't understand
why her sister wouldn't know this
I blew off the subject
trying not to let them see the pain
I'll never understand these people
I have been open and honest
about my fertility problems
all these years
yet I am still asked about having kids
do they know this causes pain?
or do they not realize ?
How could they not?
I just don't get it
how can anyone be so clueless?
maybe they like causing me pain
I don't know
but it does not make me want to be around them
next family gathering
I will just have to be sick
d's sister recently
her vacation
spent listening to d's mom
complain about us
how we are never around
never visit
never call
but the truth is
we are there when it matters
there for grandma d when she needed us
there for them when they needed us
do they call?
only when needing something
do they come over ?
and when she does stop bye
she never calls
she just drops in
which I hate
and she knows it
I hate when people just show up
not calling ahead
I don't know why it pisses me off so bad
but it does
maybe its the way she looks at
my place
if dishes are in the sink
she always focuses on them
as if it driving her crazy
if I have not done my dishes
from last night lol
my house would be spotless
I would let my inner clean freak out
if I didn't have d and 2 dogs
I can't win that battle lol
I should take a picture before and after d comes home from work
you would be amazed lol
but then again
my computer desk is always a mess
only getting cleaned
when I just can't take the mess anymore
few weeks ago she made a comment
about d
saying she never see's her son
he don't have time for her
I reminded her that that past 2 weeks we spent
all our free time visiting grandma w at the hospital
we even stayed 2 nights with her
after they removed her from life support
not wanting her to be alone
I may have been snippy
but it pissed me off
after we hung up she called me back
said she was sorry and selfish
and forgets cause she is not involved
with that side of the family
I accepted
now I hear from d's sister
all the crap she was bitchin about
her sorry was bullshit
and for now on she can talk to her son
about these things
lets see how far that gets her
I can't make him have a relationship with his mother
I will not be put in the middle
any longer
all this crap been building up
need to start writing again weekly


it's been a busy week
Dads trip didn't go as expected
after all the worry
my Dad spoke his mind
and they took a trip
up north
to visit the sights
instead of fishing
knowing he just was not up to it
(God does work in mysterious ways)
he had a nice time
he had a fall, while gone
but doing okay
he was really drained this week
I hope next week he feels better


ModernMom said...

Hope your Dad does well on his excursion and doesn't exhaust himself. Perhaps he will make some great memories for himself!

Lisa Gioia-Acres said...

I just now posted my most current blog and it talks about how writing is such a release for me, how even though I make some people very angry by writing my feelings, I must do it I'm glad you shared your feelings, hoping that in writing about it you are able to cope somewhat better.