Thursday, October 22, 2009

conflicted

After all these years
I still think about you almost every day
still find you in my dreams
sometimes I wonder..
If I will ever get back the piece of my heart
you still hold

sometimes I emotionally beat myself up
about allowing myself to think about you
here I am
moved on
in every aspect of my life
but still your memory lingers
and so does my guilt
guilt for the way we ended
guilt for still wishing for a way
to be forgiven..
by you
I remember my younger life
every experience
every memory
you where there
I can't just erase you out of my memory
life would probably be easier if I could
but there's a part of me that..
wants to always remember
always feel that connection
always have that piece of my heart ...
missing
I found myself last night
wishing you would come to my dreams
so we could talk again
like we have in my dreams
maybe then somehow I could
stop the thoughts of you..
laying there in the dark
unable to sleep
wishing you come to my dream
how wrong is that..
I shouldn't want that
I shouldn't need that
it's so unfair
I am weak
I don't know how to make this all go away
it comes in phases
sometimes during these phases
I find things out about something
going on in your life
through old friends.
I don't seek it
but the insight finds me ..
and in those weeks that follow
your on my mind less and less
but right now
your here ...


I think to myself
How can I say
I am happy with my life
with who I am..
who I am with
and still think about the past
still have one foot in the past
someday I hope to be able to take that last step forward
to see the door behind me close
and be at ease with the past
I don't know how to take that step forward
I don't know if I really want too
it will never erase the past
those memories will still linger on
maybe that's what true love does
maybe that's the why

maybe I am just broken

I could never explain
my feelings
and feel good about it
to him
to the man who shares my life
the man who's there for me
been there with me through so much
my feelings
are so unfair to him
I know this..
but maybe that's is just the way it is
love the second time around ..
I don't know how to change it
sometimes I don't think you can do
a damn thing about it ..

so I live with it..
deal with my past
on my own
in my soul
write and share myself through my blogs
hoping not to be understood by the reader
but in hopes to understand more about myself

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