Friday, October 30, 2009

journal entry Oct /2007

This is a journal entry a year after she passed
I wanted to share it here
it took me a year
to be able to write about it..

In late October of last year
I called in hospice care to help relieve Grandma's pain
While I was against the thought of doing so
Knowing the outcome would mean her passing.
I could no longer sit aside and watch her in such pain
it would have been weak and selfish
of me not to take the steps to help ease her pain.
We had talked openly before the pain was this bad
and I knew her wishes was not to be in pain for me to help the doctors stop the pain.
I very much battled to do what was right
even though I felt God should be in control.
I didn't see at first he always was..
When her pain started to ease which took high levels of pain meds..
she smiled at me and said no pain Lorri.. pain anymore ..your my angel and smiled and drifted off to sleep

I knew that I had done the right thing and that God was on this path with me whispering in my ear and giving me strength
I never knew I had.
In the first few days she was feeling no pain while she didn't have an appetite
she did have many moments of pain free reflection with me ..grandpa and her helpers. Three days into the treatments her pain at ease she awake to see all her helpers gathered around her.
I had not called them but we all gathered there that night
they where all there while we talk and tell "Millie" stories

She awoke to ask me ..
Lorri am I dying?
a quiet shock came over everyone's faces .
as I bent down to place my face closer to hers
so I could look her in the eyes
I told her with every strength I could gather
I said I believe so Grams but I am not God ..
I can't tell you everything I said in those next moments
all I know is that when I was finished
she smiled at me then said
what a beautiful way to die.
I looked up to see everyone in the room in tears..

Peace over took the room she loved so much

I had filled her room with colored lights and inspirational and christian music cds played 24 hours a day..
she had soft lighting in the room for us to see but the room glowed from within.
I had many of my crystals laying about area's of the bedroom
on her lap every moment of the day sat a purple beanie baby I gave her when she became so sick.
Clear quartz crystal lay within her palm..Angels and her favorite teddy bears positioned just as she would have wanted.
A place for grandpa to spend his final moments with the love of his life ..and the two hummingbirds on her closet doors above her "the sign from above" she was in the right place when she called this house ..home.
We spent 6 days caring for her I was there pretty much twenty four hour's a day
even though I had her wonderful helpers there
I had to be there ..
when it was time.I called in Pastors and spiritualist they read scripture and Prayer for Grandma.They where kind to me
and allowed me to cry, allowed me to feel any way I needed to feel at any given moment.For them and my friends I will forever be grateful. I helped cleans grams aura and get her ready for her passing. We talked openly and honestly her final days in her awaken moments..and when I needed to do things for her that I knew would be uncomfortable
I would talk to her telling her how sorry I was that I had no choice
when I needed her reinsurance she would supply it ..

saying it's okay angel

the day before she died ..
just me and Brenda in the room she seemed aggravated so we tried to calm her best we could ..when this fragile old women decides to try to lunge forward in bed and yells Jesus WAIT!
Brenda and I looked at each other and laughed ..
I said Grandma! you don't take your Body to heaven!
Brenda and I both laughed as we laid her back into bed.
The next twenty four hours was the hardest
grandpa was so sad
and I was so tired I can barely remember now much of what went on..
but the morning she passed away
I was there no helpers just me 4 :30 am I gave her, her meds one last time.
I washed her up and changed her night gown to the favorite purple one she loved so much.
I laid her cross on her lap
and her beanie baby still sat right on her lap.
I brushed her hair putting in her favorite butterfly clips and I sat alone in her room ..
I did all the talking that morning her breathing was very shallow and her time was almost gone..I sat holding her hand telling her it was time to go ..
that I would take care of grandpa now..

I went out of her room around 5:45 am and sat on the couch and cried myself to sleep it didn't seem long but at 6:30 am I heard a voice say goodbye ..
I knew
I awake
find myself running down the hallway to her room ..
as I passed Gramp's door he was up too ..
he started to follow me when I stopped told him to let me check on her first and I'll call you in and a little bit .
He complied and went back to his room
when I entered the room I already knew my grandma was gone.
My medical side took over and I did the things I needed to do

and then the grand daughter side came out and as I said my goodbyes I cried and held her hand..and Prayed for her.

I went out and went to call my dad..Then I told grandpa she was gone ...
I had cleaned her all up and she lay peacefully in her room ..
grandpa spent time with her said his final goodbyes and then came out to greet my father.
My father went in shortly and then he and my grand father left the house while I waited alone for the visiting nurse and the funeral home
I had prearranged to come to the house when time.
I made phone calls and let everyone know she was gone..the nurse came and went
then the funeral home came and they helped me by removing her rings.
I just couldn't bring myself to do that.
They took her body away and I went home for a short while sat and cried

knew my life was forever changed again...
as I sat and cried I realized then I had really grown to love her so much ..

life wouldn't be the same now

but the experience I will never forget nor regret.

Even her favorite rose bushes knew what was coming...
outside their front door was a big rose bush, my grand mother loved so much. She would bless the bushes,cut them back ,tie them up ...she gave them life. When they first moved in the bush was nearly dead but when grams moved in the bushes every year got bigger and fuller. This years roses where just amazing the branches reached for the sky and the roses bloomed on every branch. She was so proud..and it was so beautiful.

It's been almost a year since grandma passed..

the rose bushes she cherished so much..
I still see her so proudly pruning and blessing them every year..
Well They didn't bloom this year..
Guess she took them to heaven with her..
I am not surprised..

1 comment:

gayle said...

What a beautiful, beautiful story of your love for your grandmother!!