Thursday, October 29, 2009

three years ago this week

It was three years ago this week.
I called hospice to help stop my grandmothers pain..
Looking back today it was the most Faithful act in my life far
when you come to that moment ..
when you have to make that decision
you have no choice but to act in faith ..
I struggled with the choice ..
I Questioned ..
I Prayed
but in that moment ..
I had to depend on my Faith ..
and in my grandmothers wishes
I faced my fear ..
I faced my anger ..
I faced my selfish wants
I faced my pain
I faced facts
and acted in faith
I had felt times of question that first year
wondering if God understood ..
in these times of wonder ...
I have been shown my answer
a bible passage ..
a friend ...
my church pasture..
my grandfather ..
my grandmother's things appearing out of place
Hearing her now still saying .."your my angel "
a reader whom gave me several messages from her and my Nana
whom returned to me a piece of the past that touched my heart
and validation of those messages only Grams and Nana could give ..
back then could have never knew
I would have peace in my heart now..
I can tell you today ..
I have peace in my heart in so many area's of my life
I was truly given such a gift in the experience
it made me more faithful
well maybe not more faithful...
more like I finally understood what it really was
to just depend on faith ..
and to realize I had it ...
I had faith
and through her dying experience
my faith in the after life was confirmed over and over again
I had always questioned my strength..
ever since my Nana passed when I was a kid..
in a lot of ways the reasons for my choices to even care for my grandmother was because of her.
I couldn't take care of her ..
I couldn't make her better ..
I was a kid
As a kid when she passed I couldn't say good bye ..
I was to scared of what I saw in that hospital room
I always regretted not being able to voice the words ..
I love you Nana
I asked my mother to tell her for me ..
But in all this I was able to see my strength..
I was able to say ..Good bye Grandma ...I love you ..
Tell Nana Marie I love her ..
Some how in this whole experience
I was able to forgive the child in me who was not strong enough..
I was able to come to terms with not only my Grandmothers death
but my Nana's too..
While I knew from the beginning that this experience would change me forever ..
I truly never could have imagined healing a lot of the wounds
I held from childhood.
I truly never could have imagined I would find peace within my self ..

~Thank you God for leading me down this path~


Andy said...

Oh boy...I went through this a few months ago with my wife. I know how you feel/felt. It's a powerful need to let go. This is great. I'm glad I was directed here by my FB friend Barbara...

Lorri said...

I am so sorry for your loss Andy...
Welcome to my personal blog,
I see you also blog
I will have to check out yours too..
Barbara is a wonderful writer ..
and one strong lady..
a true inspiration
again welcome !