Tuesday, July 28, 2009

this and that

my parents other daughter
is coming to town today
she and her husband
are taking dad on a fishing trip
which worries me
he has been so weak
I hope he will be okay
I hope this trip does not make him sick
dads balance has been so bad
I hope he will be okay
taking him out on a fishing boat
I don't know if that is a good idea
but what can I do..
Its up to him
today he is having second thoughts
I am glad she wants to make these memories
doing something dad once loved
but I worry
see he gets down on him self
when he can't do things
he used to do
anything stressful
makes him have bad days
3 days away from home
I don't know
the last time she
was in town
they took him to a race
only away for a day
but for 10 days after
he was weak
tired
but I do believe he enjoyed himself
its just what happens after
when shes long gone
and I have to step in and take care of everything
so I guess
I am torn
I hope everything turns out alright
I most likely
will not see her
and that's okay with me
she got into town last night
staying with my parents other child
you may wonder why I put it that way
well that's what they are to me
there is no connection between us anymore
never really was
I have always felt like an only child
maybe the age difference
maybe the complete difference
in how we see the world
maybe cause the meaning of
"family" means something totally different
to all of us
maybe a combination of the three

recently I been a bit peeved
not writing much
because
avoiding the things that been pissing me off
are better then venting it ..even here
but today I needed to write
went to d's families over the 4th
not there ten minutes
when his aunt asks
when are you two going to get around to having kids
d's mom laughed said yeah
I sat there in shock
not sure what to even say
first thing I could think of
was I was old to be having kids now
not that 39 is to old
I feel to old though
but d's mom knows
I can't have kids
I don't understand
why her sister wouldn't know this
I blew off the subject
trying not to let them see the pain
I'll never understand these people
I have been open and honest
about my fertility problems
all these years
yet I am still asked about having kids
do they know this causes pain?
or do they not realize ?
How could they not?
I just don't get it
how can anyone be so clueless?
maybe they like causing me pain
I don't know
but it does not make me want to be around them
next family gathering
I will just have to be sick
lol
d's sister recently
visited
her vacation
spent listening to d's mom
complain about us
how we are never around
never visit
never call
but the truth is
we are there when it matters
there for grandma d when she needed us
there for them when they needed us
do they call?
only when needing something
do they come over ?
no
and when she does stop bye
she never calls
she just drops in
which I hate
and she knows it
I hate when people just show up
not calling ahead
I don't know why it pisses me off so bad
but it does
maybe its the way she looks at
my place
if dishes are in the sink
she always focuses on them
as if it driving her crazy
if I have not done my dishes
from last night lol
my house would be spotless
I would let my inner clean freak out
if I didn't have d and 2 dogs
I can't win that battle lol
I should take a picture before and after d comes home from work
you would be amazed lol
but then again
my computer desk is always a mess
only getting cleaned
when I just can't take the mess anymore
lol
few weeks ago she made a comment
about d
saying she never see's her son
he don't have time for her
I reminded her that that past 2 weeks we spent
all our free time visiting grandma w at the hospital
we even stayed 2 nights with her
after they removed her from life support
not wanting her to be alone
I may have been snippy
but it pissed me off
after we hung up she called me back
said she was sorry and selfish
and forgets cause she is not involved
with that side of the family
I accepted
now I hear from d's sister
all the crap she was bitchin about
her sorry was bullshit
and for now on she can talk to her son
about these things
lets see how far that gets her
I can't make him have a relationship with his mother
I will not be put in the middle
any longer
all this crap been building up
need to start writing again weekly
lol



Update:

it's been a busy week
Dads trip didn't go as expected
after all the worry
my Dad spoke his mind
and they took a trip
up north
to visit the sights
instead of fishing
knowing he just was not up to it
(God does work in mysterious ways)
he had a nice time
he had a fall, while gone
but doing okay
he was really drained this week
I hope next week he feels better

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Getting back into the swing of things

It's been a while since my last post
I have so many things I want to talk about
so many things have happen
seems the world is out of balance
not my world as much
things are good here
but in the grand scheme of things
I think a lot of people
need to put some things in perspective
in my personal life
there is someone I love that
is so off balanced
and there is really nothing
I can do to help them
she is an adult
and needs to walk her own path
but emotionally
she is all over the map
the highest of highs
then followed by the lowest of lows
she just can't find a balance
I want to help
but my help
is not wanted
so I hope
I pray
and sneak in advice when I can
hoping it stays under her
"Your Judging Me" radar
it's not judging ..
it's experience
it's only wanting the best for you
it's being your age once
it's spoken from a place of balance
it's spoken from a place of Love
so I wait
hope
pray
love
you
more then you will ever understand


While I was absent from my blog
so many things in our world
have been happening
our society
has lost some of it's "stars"
a few of which I felt a connection too

One was a beautiful women
who really all I knew about as a child
is a picture of her was on my big brothers wall
for as long as I can remember
I never saw her tv show till I was an adult
watching re runs
my brother still has her picture on his wall
I really didn't know much
about her
accept gossip
I would see on tv
it was not until she got sick
that I started following her story
battling cancer
she fought a tough fight
she shared with us her battles
she inspired
she showed us a true Fight for life
she showed us that life is worth the fight
and in the end
she showed us that
Love was everything
in the end
she wanted her long time love
her soul mate
her child
the piece of her soul
her best friend
her souls sister
she passed with respect
and compassion
watching the news
that morning
I didn't cry
I smiled
I smiled because
she was at peace
Life had become her illness
I feel that at the point
she was ready
to go home
and she did ..
Her family
could now
start
to live again
and
find peace in
her memory

The same day
news broke on another
"star"
one of which
I had a connection too
back in 84
I went to my first concert
the victory tour
I didn't even know really who
he was
but all my friends did
I went with a friend
and her family
I remember being overwhelmed
by the crowd
screaming
crying
over emotional
teen age girls
from all walks of life
I remember crying
but I didn't understand why
but as an adult
I understand
I felt the energy of the room
and it was overwhelming

his death
was sudden
but by many expected
my opinion
he was lost many years ago
I like many, watched on tv
how could you not
every channel was talking about it
but with this death
came
the unbalance
that was his life
if you sat back and watched
some where disgusted by the coverage
some where heart broken and cried
others stepped in
to further them selves in their endeavors
it was his life
this unbalance
so none of it shocked me
it didn't really stir much emotion
within me ..maybe pitty
his death
and the chaos of his life
will be "news" for some time
because people feed off things like this
it's not good for us
but people do
We are not to learn
from his life
but his music
he inspired through his songs
he was not a king
he was not a god
he was someone who
gave us inspiration through song
no matter what you think of him personally
the lyrics..
that was his message
it touched many many people
those words inspired us
and don't we all want
our words
our lives
our battles
to inspire another
Both of them touched our lives
in a different way
let that be what the impact is on your life
get things in perspective
inspire those in your life
fight those battles and don't give up
let your compassion show in your words and actions
be there for the people in your life
be real with them ..
there's no second chances sometimes


share your story
you will be an inspiration to somebody

let that be all of our legacy