Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Missing you..friend

a good friend of mine died last month
very suddenly
she was 2 years younger then me
had 5 kids all under the age of 12.
The day she died her husband left her ..
he had given her divorce papers recently and he was really moving out this time...
we where talking about her feelings about her fears through email like we had over 8 years.
I had to go to the store real quick,
while I waited for her to email back ..
sending her a...
"keep the faith"
faerie from some faerie app I use
before grabbing my keys and heading out the door.
When I came back I checked my email ..
nothing
I checked her fB page
saw she had been talking to many of her friends ..
many people giving her support and encouragement in what she faced ahead.
Which I was so happy to see ..
I was so worried about her.
The next morning word hit her face book page,
at first I thought it was a mean joke
but soon came to pass and realize she is really gone.
Within an hour of her last FB post she died.
I was in shock and scared ..
scared my friend did something to herself to be quite honest with you.
It's now been a month since she died and no word on what happen really
other then she had a seizure and died at the grocery store.
But I don't know of any history of this ..
dang I knew when she had pms and or a cold
when her and hubby where fighting
I knew when her kids where sick
I knew so much...
there is no way I wouldn't know of some disorder she had.
Her family who posted on her page seemed very shocked,
so it can't be some disorder, it seems to me they would have known she had it...
Her husband changed his fb status a few days before her death to single ...then a few days after her death to widow.
He updated her face book page ..
letting us all know of her passing and funeral arrangements ...
yet she told me he didn't have any of her passwords many times...
it's just very odd.
He is not releasing any further info on what took my friends life.
I was told about the seizure from an aunt of her's ..I emailed.
Many have asked on her fb page
what the autopsy reports are on her death.
The timing of her death is concerning to many of us I am sure.
But he is no longer responding to us...
I know it's very personal information
but we where personable friends for many year's.
A week and half after her death
he thanked all his friends and family for their support
and that he can now move on with his life...

Well I can't ..
every day I see her picture among my friends.
Every where I go, FB, mySp, yahoo, groups
every app we both played there she is ..
I removed her from my crews and yet her avatar pops up
asks me to drop her a note or send her a gift..come tell her a joke...
I don't have the heart to delete her page
Every day when I log in ..
her picture seems to always be one of the top 3 ..
the other night while joking with some friends
I searched God on face book and up come a page
when I get to the page
who's picture in in the top 3 ..
my friend.
I will probably never know what really happen ..
what took my friends life.
If it was a hidden illness or something else.
All I do know is it's hard to lay her to rest
in my heart and mind without knowing ..
without closure

I Miss you friend

Saturday, September 26, 2009

a visit from the past brings questions to myself

Ran into an old friend
one whom was my friend
when I was at my worst
when I was someone
I am not proud of
when I burned my bridges
when I didn't see what was right in front of me
when I thought the grass was greener on the other side
when I thought
I was not worthy of love
when I didn't really understand
what love was
when I was someone else
when I lived a different life

and while I have come so far
in my life
learned lessons
learned to love myself
learned what it really means to love someone
learned never to burn bridges
learned the grass is the same damn color over there
learned I am worthy of Love
learned who I was
learned who I am
learned who I want to be
.....

This old friend -stranger
still looked at me
as if I where her ..
the girl I once was
our conversation
brought everything from my past
back into my today
did she really not see me ?
hear me?
think that I could change?
think I was that same person

...
she did
I could hear it in her voice
I could see it in the way she looked at me

or was it just me?

I posed this question to myself
have I not completely forgiven myself yet?

my inner voice says no
so maybe it was me
maybe I saw in her eyes
what I choose to see
maybe the conversation
went the way it did because
that's the only connection we had
what else would we talk about
maybe if she knew me ..
now
but down deep
I know that I burned that bridge
so long ago
my life took another path
I have turned so many corners since then
I could never find my way back
I am not that person
I am nothing like that person
even though that person ..
was Me ..

Friday, September 25, 2009

seasons

The tree's here are starting to change color
the days sunny and warm
but there's a chill in the air
that chilly wind that suddenly appears from no where
nights are cold and damp
added an extra blanket to the bed
even had to turn on the heat last night
Mornings are a cold start
but by this afternoon the sun will be shinning
getting back into my fall and winter routines
which by winter will mean
a lot more online time for me lol
before long the first snow will come
while I dread the winter
to watch the snow falling on
a cold winters day is breath taking
specially when I am all cozy warm inside my house
on my laptop lol
But seriously
when I think about up coming seasons
I often wonder besides weather changes
what changes will come to my life
but I only let myself think about ..shortly
it becomes to much to think about
to overwhelming to me anyway
I learned taking care of my grandparents
to just take life one day at a time
because you can plan every little thing
every minute of everyday
but life will happen
and living in life's time line
means depending on your faith
which I do
I don't know what tomorrow might bring
but I know what ever it is
I will find a way through it all
that's what you do
so for today I will focus
on the last days of summer
and enjoy the first days of fall
and take a deep breath
and be thankful
for it all