Friday, October 30, 2009

journal entry Oct /2007

This is a journal entry a year after she passed
I wanted to share it here
it took me a year
to be able to write about it..

In late October of last year
I called in hospice care to help relieve Grandma's pain
While I was against the thought of doing so
Knowing the outcome would mean her passing.
I could no longer sit aside and watch her in such pain
it would have been weak and selfish
of me not to take the steps to help ease her pain.
We had talked openly before the pain was this bad
and I knew her wishes was not to be in pain for me to help the doctors stop the pain.
I very much battled to do what was right
even though I felt God should be in control.
I didn't see at first he always was..
When her pain started to ease which took high levels of pain meds..
she smiled at me and said no pain Lorri..
no..no pain anymore ..your my angel and smiled and drifted off to sleep

I knew that I had done the right thing and that God was on this path with me whispering in my ear and giving me strength
I never knew I had.
In the first few days she was feeling no pain while she didn't have an appetite
she did have many moments of pain free reflection with me ..grandpa and her helpers. Three days into the treatments her pain at ease she awake to see all her helpers gathered around her.
I had not called them but we all gathered there that night
they where all there while we talk and tell "Millie" stories

She awoke to ask me ..
Lorri am I dying?
a quiet shock came over everyone's faces .
as I bent down to place my face closer to hers
so I could look her in the eyes
I told her with every strength I could gather
I said I believe so Grams but I am not God ..
I can't tell you everything I said in those next moments
all I know is that when I was finished
she smiled at me then said
what a beautiful way to die.
I looked up to see everyone in the room in tears..

Peace over took the room she loved so much

I had filled her room with colored lights and inspirational and christian music cds played 24 hours a day..
she had soft lighting in the room for us to see but the room glowed from within.
I had many of my crystals laying about area's of the bedroom
on her lap every moment of the day sat a purple beanie baby I gave her when she became so sick.
Clear quartz crystal lay within her palm..Angels and her favorite teddy bears positioned just as she would have wanted.
A place for grandpa to spend his final moments with the love of his life ..and the two hummingbirds on her closet doors above her "the sign from above" she was in the right place when she called this house ..home.
We spent 6 days caring for her I was there pretty much twenty four hour's a day
even though I had her wonderful helpers there
I had to be there ..
when it was time.I called in Pastors and spiritualist they read scripture and Prayer for Grandma.They where kind to me
and allowed me to cry, allowed me to feel any way I needed to feel at any given moment.For them and my friends I will forever be grateful. I helped cleans grams aura and get her ready for her passing. We talked openly and honestly her final days in her awaken moments..and when I needed to do things for her that I knew would be uncomfortable
I would talk to her telling her how sorry I was that I had no choice
when I needed her reinsurance she would supply it ..

saying it's okay angel

the day before she died ..
just me and Brenda in the room she seemed aggravated so we tried to calm her best we could ..when this fragile old women decides to try to lunge forward in bed and yells Jesus WAIT!
Brenda and I looked at each other and laughed ..
I said Grandma! you don't take your Body to heaven!
Brenda and I both laughed as we laid her back into bed.
The next twenty four hours was the hardest
grandpa was so sad
and I was so tired I can barely remember now much of what went on..
but the morning she passed away
I was there no helpers just me ..at 4 :30 am I gave her, her meds one last time.
I washed her up and changed her night gown to the favorite purple one she loved so much.
I laid her cross on her lap
and her beanie baby still sat right on her lap.
I brushed her hair putting in her favorite butterfly clips and I sat alone in her room ..
I did all the talking that morning her breathing was very shallow and her time was almost gone..I sat holding her hand telling her it was time to go ..
that I would take care of grandpa now..

I went out of her room around 5:45 am and sat on the couch and cried myself to sleep it didn't seem long but at 6:30 am I heard a voice say goodbye ..
I knew
I awake
find myself running down the hallway to her room ..
as I passed Gramp's door he was up too ..
he started to follow me when I stopped told him to let me check on her first and I'll call you in and a little bit .
He complied and went back to his room
when I entered the room I already knew my grandma was gone.
My medical side took over and I did the things I needed to do

and then the grand daughter side came out and as I said my goodbyes I cried and held her hand..and Prayed for her.

I went out and went to call my dad..Then I told grandpa she was gone ...
I had cleaned her all up and she lay peacefully in her room ..
grandpa spent time with her said his final goodbyes and then came out to greet my father.
My father went in shortly and then he and my grand father left the house while I waited alone for the visiting nurse and the funeral home
I had prearranged to come to the house when time.
I made phone calls and let everyone know she was gone..the nurse came and went
then the funeral home came and they helped me by removing her rings.
I just couldn't bring myself to do that.
They took her body away and I went home for a short while sat and cried

knew my life was forever changed again...
as I sat and cried I realized then I had really grown to love her so much ..

life wouldn't be the same now

but the experience I will never forget nor regret.



Even her favorite rose bushes knew what was coming...
outside their front door was a big rose bush, my grand mother loved so much. She would bless the bushes,cut them back ,tie them up ...she gave them life. When they first moved in the bush was nearly dead but when grams moved in the bushes every year got bigger and fuller. This years roses where just amazing the branches reached for the sky and the roses bloomed on every branch. She was so proud..and it was so beautiful.

It's been almost a year since grandma passed..

the rose bushes she cherished so much..
I still see her so proudly pruning and blessing them every year..
Well They didn't bloom this year..
Guess she took them to heaven with her..
I am not surprised..

Thursday, October 29, 2009

three years ago this week

It was three years ago this week.
I called hospice to help stop my grandmothers pain..
Looking back today it was the most Faithful act in my life ...so far
when you come to that moment ..
when you have to make that decision
you have no choice but to act in faith ..
I struggled with the choice ..
I Questioned ..
I Prayed
but in that moment ..
I had to depend on my Faith ..
and in my grandmothers wishes
I faced my fear ..
I faced my anger ..
I faced my selfish wants
I faced my pain
I faced facts
and acted in faith
I had felt times of question that first year
wondering if God understood ..
in these times of wonder ...
I have been shown my answer
a bible passage ..
a friend ...
my church pasture..
my grandfather ..
my grandmother's things appearing out of place
Hearing her now still saying .."your my angel "
a reader whom gave me several messages from her and my Nana
whom returned to me a piece of the past that touched my heart
and validation of those messages only Grams and Nana could give ..
back then could have never knew
I would have peace in my heart now..
I can tell you today ..
I have peace in my heart in so many area's of my life
I was truly given such a gift in the experience
it made me more faithful
well maybe not more faithful...
more like I finally understood what it really was
to just depend on faith ..
and to realize I had it ...
I had faith
and through her dying experience
my faith in the after life was confirmed over and over again
I had always questioned my strength..
ever since my Nana passed when I was a kid..
in a lot of ways the reasons for my choices to even care for my grandmother was because of her.
I couldn't take care of her ..
I couldn't make her better ..
I was a kid
As a kid when she passed I couldn't say good bye ..
I was to scared of what I saw in that hospital room
I always regretted not being able to voice the words ..
I love you Nana
I asked my mother to tell her for me ..
But in all this I was able to see my strength..
I was able to say ..Good bye Grandma ...I love you ..
Tell Nana Marie I love her ..
Some how in this whole experience
I was able to forgive the child in me who was not strong enough..
I was able to come to terms with not only my Grandmothers death
but my Nana's too..
While I knew from the beginning that this experience would change me forever ..
I truly never could have imagined healing a lot of the wounds
I held from childhood.
I truly never could have imagined I would find peace within my self ..





~Thank you God for leading me down this path~

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I'm Not Who I Was Lyrics ~

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was ...


~~~
This speaks to me..

Friday, October 23, 2009

todays thoughts / yesterdays post

I been thinking about my post yesterday
and how fucked up I sounded to myself
I am angry with myself
beating myself up today
and feeling naked
it might be that when I was about hit post
D had just got home
and he asked me what you doing
I said writing in my blog
he asked what's it about
I said my feelings ..thoughts
he said oh okay..
and was content with that answer
or knew not to dig any deeper
by my short answers..

which now makes me feel like a jerk
I could probably tell him the truth
that I don't really know why
but right now this person is on my mind
somethings maybe happening with him
after all sometimes
I think I confuse my intuition about him
with the feelings about him
I tend to connect that way with some people
it's a gift I do believe
but also a curse
it makes my own emotions hard to figure out
either this is all about my emotions
or it's something happening with him
and unless I get validation from someone
I don't know which it is
so I am left to wonder
then I think about all that, as a write it
and think what must people who read this think
I really don't think I am crazy
I just think I am like everyone else
and trying to figure out my life
I just happen to write it all out
while others work things out internally
or I am just crazy lol
which ever
it's me
this is where my head it at this morning..
but it's time to let it go
intuition or feelings
does not really matter
validation either way
will come
or
not
I just have to wait and see ..

Thursday, October 22, 2009

conflicted

After all these years
I still think about you almost every day
still find you in my dreams
sometimes I wonder..
If I will ever get back the piece of my heart
you still hold

sometimes I emotionally beat myself up
about allowing myself to think about you
here I am
moved on
in every aspect of my life
but still your memory lingers
and so does my guilt
guilt for the way we ended
guilt for still wishing for a way
to be forgiven..
by you
I remember my younger life
every experience
every memory
you where there
I can't just erase you out of my memory
life would probably be easier if I could
but there's a part of me that..
wants to always remember
always feel that connection
always have that piece of my heart ...
missing
I found myself last night
wishing you would come to my dreams
so we could talk again
like we have in my dreams
maybe then somehow I could
stop the thoughts of you..
laying there in the dark
unable to sleep
wishing you come to my dream
how wrong is that..
I shouldn't want that
I shouldn't need that
it's so unfair
I am weak
I don't know how to make this all go away
it comes in phases
sometimes during these phases
I find things out about something
going on in your life
through old friends.
I don't seek it
but the insight finds me ..
and in those weeks that follow
your on my mind less and less
but right now
your here ...


I think to myself
How can I say
I am happy with my life
with who I am..
who I am with
and still think about the past
still have one foot in the past
someday I hope to be able to take that last step forward
to see the door behind me close
and be at ease with the past
I don't know how to take that step forward
I don't know if I really want too
it will never erase the past
those memories will still linger on
maybe that's what true love does
maybe that's the why

maybe I am just broken

I could never explain
my feelings
and feel good about it
to him
to the man who shares my life
the man who's there for me
been there with me through so much
my feelings
are so unfair to him
I know this..
but maybe that's is just the way it is
love the second time around ..
I don't know how to change it
sometimes I don't think you can do
a damn thing about it ..

so I live with it..
deal with my past
on my own
in my soul
write and share myself through my blogs
hoping not to be understood by the reader
but in hopes to understand more about myself