Sunday, August 22, 2010

Dear Friend

I feel you have worked very hard to make changes in your self
the journey of your life,
even at a young age was to rebuild ..your broken foundation

Our foundation is ..our inner core being
I believe with you...
your foundation was damaged
as a child ..some form of abuse you hide from most
this early abuse physical or mental or both
damaged your inner being ..your foundation as I call it
and I believe that since this early childhood abuse you have been fighting
to fix what is broken within
when our foundations are broken and we build on them
what happens?

Would you build a brand new home on a broken or cracked foundation?
nobody would ..
but we do ...when it comes to our lives
and we usually choose people who have their own broken foundation
because in some way they understand us
or because we think we can fix them ..
when the truth is that we can't fix anyone ..but our selves
and while I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason
we do take wrong turns ..make bad choices that have long lasting effects on our lives
we do these more often when we have "cracked foundations"
we draw people in that are like our abusers and not even know we are doing it
maybe they sense that weakness in us
maybe we draw them in .. maybe both

But till we learn...
that we need to fix whats broken within us
before we allow anyone else in ..
sometimes we go through many relationships ..jumping from one to the next
sometimes we are stuck in one and we see no way out once we are in it.
But the truth is we always have a choice
there is always another door available to us
we are just to broken to have faith in that other door
behind that door in our minds is darkness
only because we don't know what's there in that darkness
we lack faith in our selves
even in relationships that are abusive.. we have options
our fear keeps us there..
and maybe while these relationships are bad for us
the reason we find ourselves there is really not about the relationship at all
because when we are in seems to me is when we seek knowing ourselves so much more
we seek a higher understanding more frequently when we can't understand where we are at.
So seekers search out to anything they can work on ..within them selves
somewhere inside we know there is a root to all our problems
and it starts with what's within us
we may try to better ourselves
we may try to find a spiritual connection with our God and Universe
and in other area's of our lives we just learn to accept .. to conform
because frankly ..we are not whole enough yet to do something about it
but at some point on our inner journey of learning
we wake up one day and look inside ourselves to find ourselves in a better place
we have greater understanding of ourselves
we look around at the mess we have around us
things we just let be ..for far to long
conform will no longer work
you will now resent the people who you have conformed too
we may even try to reform the person
try to talk to them ..
make them understand things need to change for you to be whole
You may work hard at trying to make things work
but the truth is you can't fix what is broken within them.

If they are not what you need when you are at your lowest
they will not be what you need when you are more balanced

To continue to grow and change you will need to make a move
make a change ..
sometimes walk away
someone who truly loves you for all the right reasons
will see the changes in you ..embrace all the changes in you
and your change will bring about their own personal growth
they wouldn't want you to conform
they would want to grow together in life
understanding everything that means ...
it's ups and down's
they would work within to be a better person
not only for themselves, but because you deserve that type of person in your life
but many times the people we are with are not at this place
at the same time we are..some may never be and we know that.
At that point we must just walk away when the relationship becomes toxic to our personal growth
This is never easy is going to be the biggest challenge you will face with your new inner self
Have you done the work needed to take on this next challenge?
I believe you have
but what I believe does not matter ...
what do you believe?
are you strong enough now to face this next step in your personal growth?
only you can answer these things
only you can seek the other door's provided to you
can you grow further in the "place" you are right now ..the answer is always Yes
can you grow further in the relationships in your life?
the ones you can should keep and continue to work on
but those ones you can't are only holding you back from your next step in your personal growth.

along our journey in finding us ..we heal our broken foundations
we have many spiritual awakenings along the way
some times we move forward in leaps and bounds
some times we move forward slowly taking small steps along our path
sometimes we fall back and have to revisit something we already learned from
it's all part of our inner growth

only you can answer where you go from here
your need for growth in yourself will not stop
you may avoid it or ignore all the signs shown where change needs to take place
but I assure you ...they will not stop coming
and when your strong enough in mind and spirit
you will then have no choice anymore then to make a change

So surround yourself with positive influences
reach out and ask for help along the way
ready yourself for the changes coming
prepare yourself
because some day soon your need to be you and all that details
You will be stronger then anything holding you back
be smart careful aware
but never stop your journey of personal growth
for any other person

I am praying and pulling for you my friend
I know in the right time and the right place within yourself
you will find the strength to make any choices you need to in your future.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

todays thoughts

I really don't know
if...I feel anger or pity

I am angry that "some" people honestly believe that...
if you don't have children and never have grand children in your life...
that you really have less of a life ..
that your less stressed or less busy..
then they are
because of the lack of a family ?

I pity them
because this attitude just make them look..
so self absorbed ..that they don't even understand what they truly have..

So to them I say ..
Yes you are right ...

I don't have children
I will never have grand children
I will never know what feeling that fills ones soul and heart ..
when their child says mommy for the first time ..
I will never know what holding your child's hand as they cross the street feels like .
I will never know what pride and love fills ones heart when their child takes their first steps in life a toddler ..a teenager adult
I will never experience with them ..their first day of school ..their first date ...first time driving a car
I will never know the heart ache of their first ouchy
their first tumble of their bike
their first broken heart
I will not ever know what it feels like to make it feel better most of the time..
Just by being Mom
I will never watch my children grow and learn
and explore and achieve and fail
I will never feel the pain and helplessness being a parent can feel like from time to time
I will never watch my daughter make mistakes
I will never be able to help guide her into being a stronger woman
I will never see my son grow into a man
seeing his father in his ways
I will never hold my first grand child just moments after she came into the world
I will never be able to buy my grandchildren all kinds of gifts and spoil them rotten
I will never be able to take time out of my life and watch my grand children so my daughters or sons can go to work without worry that something bad could happen in a daycare
I will never be able to tire myself out running after said grandchildren
I will never laugh and live and love every second of my time with my grandchildren
As I age and become elderly I will never have my great grand children come visit me
I will never have a daughter or a Son take care of me and my needs
I will not have someone I love ... holding my hand when I take my last breath and say good bye to this world
I will not have my family honor me and talk about me for the rest of their lives
I will not have my recipes made every holiday long after I am gone
I will not be someone's angel in heaven, that watches over them their whole life

what's really sad ..
you use these wonderful things as an excuse to treat others as if they are less then you
you should look at all these wonderful moments as the gifts in your life ..
It's what makes all the bullshit in life worth it !!!
but you look at it as a chore ..complaining about it an excuse not to have the time for anyone else . even if that anyone else is your own parents
an excuse to be selfish with your time and effort with anyone else but your made family
You used your time with all of these wonderful things in your life as an excuse
a reason to complain about your sister who has no life because she doesn't have kids ..she will never have grand kids .. and in your mind .. don't have a clue

I have a clue ..
I am well aware of all the things I miss out on in this life
I didn't choose to be childless
But I do have a life ..
I find my inspiration in different places in my life
I find other wonderful things in this life that are gifts to that make all the bullshit worth it
it doesn't make my life any less stressful .does not make my life any less busy.

While I don't get to walk down the same path you have

I have a path of my own and God knew that I was special .
I don't need a child or grandchildren to make me "someone" ..
I don't need children or grandchildren to give me purpose ..
to give me strength I didn't think I have ..
I am strong all on my own and in my spirit

And I know ..God, ...He knew that I would find all those wonderful blessed moments in life in the other places he placed them in...
so he never worried ..even when I did
Maybe just maybe someday you might get that ..
and open your eyes to what I see

Remember if God had a path for you
trust that he had a path for me too
even if its not a path you have ever seen

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

need to vent

While making sure Dad has his part seems to be so so important to you
well sorry but it's not that important to me
you are asked to do one thing ..find a part
yet again its dumped into my lap to do this ..get this ..get that
WTF seriously believe it or not I could care less about his lawn mower
and the truth is when the part does come
who do you think will have to take time out of their lives to fix the tractor needing a part?
we will
Did you know dad took a nasty fall again working on this tractor
Just as he starts to feel better another fall
bending his glasses and hurting his bad hand ...again
It is a battle to keep his CHF under control
it's a battle to keep him on the right track with all of his health issues
I battle to keep him as healthy as possible to keep him out of the hospital
and when he is in the hospital ?? who sits there day after day taking care of everything?
is it you?
NO it's me and if its selfish for me to want to keep him healthy and at home so I can still live my life with helping him as much as I can..
well then I am just a selfish bitch!!
They asked you for one thing
Let me fill you in on what I do ..what we do
every week ..drop by pick up their mail ..bring them anything they need from the store
in between shopping trips which generally take 5 hours to complete if I take them to the market with me
every monday gather and bag up and take out their garbage.

Dad has many doctors to keep him healthy
generally we visit one doctor every week ..
but when he is sick
we have 2 or 3 appointments in a week
every week there is something extra needs to be done
either I or Dave need to go over
for example few weeks ago dad didn't have the strength to get off his mower alone
so Dave went over and helped him off the tractor
this is sometimes a weekly event ..daily .. something always comes up
we need to drop everything and go help them and we do without complaint
Unless he does something he knows he shouldn't be doing
see what he don't get and maybe you don't either
is that when he gets hurt ..who has more to take care of? is it you? NO it's me
We go over and clean when he is feeling bad
because if we don't takes us hours to clean
when he's sick I bring all his laundry home every week and wash it all
I have even brought home all his dirty dishes so I can wash them all and return them
All winter long we do the same thing cause their pipes freeze
and that's just normal everyday needs
lets mention the times that he has mom call cause he wants and needs something
that could be gas for his lawn mower to he needs something from the store
like the trip to port huron to buy a chain saw ...he can't even use..just cause it was on sale
every 3 days we have to make sure to pick up the mail
have to drop off all their bills at the post office on the way home
take care of any banking they need done
run over and plant this or plant that
run over and stop and grab this or that on my way
get phone calls dad don't feel well come by and check on him
and 90 % of the time its something he's done that he shouldn't have done in the first place
but YES I do all these things case I love them
But I also demand that I am allowed to have my own life too
and while what I do with my life and time may not be important sounding to you
when I get a phone call saying your sister wants you to bring dad a copy of this fucking tractor part so she can order it
YOU could have mailed mom and dad a chart ..two days after called them and got the info you needed ..YOU didn't have to depend on me for just another thing
I have enough to deal with ..DON'T YOU THINK?
every day its a battle ..DO U NOT GET THIS?
I know you don't see dad ..have no idea
but he is not the guy he was when you left here
he can barely walk without assistance even with his cane that he uses all the time now
for the last couple months he can't even put on his shoes without help
or get up from a seated position without help
I get to play middle man between mom and dads arguments
I have to talk to dad about the serious things he faces with his health
I have to help calm his worries and answer the same questions over and over
yet he does what he wants cause he is DAD
This summer was spent ..working in their yard their house
making sure he stays healthy ..
and everything in between .
its on me ..
OH yes as you must be thinking I choose this
and YES I do choose to help our parents through all these things
I am lucky and blessed to have the relationship I do with them
BUT you don't seem to have a clue
and frankly I am tired of waiting for you both to get it .
I think I do enough
my whole life is about them
I don't go anywhere without them knowing where I am
I do not travel more then an hour away
so that if there is an emergency I can get back here quickly
YOU are freaking clueless and maybe its time you get a clue
So just do one thing for your parents
if they ask something from you .
just take care of it for them
Don't add more to my to do list..
cause I am doing my part
are you?

so wanted to update this real quick
before I leave to run dad to the hospital
the truth about his fall has come to light
in the last 15 minutes
the fall..
well was not a fall at all
Dad passed out ..harold said for 10 minutes
he was out ..did harold run and get help?
NO he waited to see if dad would come too
and thank God he did
so now I had to get an emergency appointment for him
which I just know will lead to going back to the hospital
spending hours there waiting for answers
this is just what happens every week ..sometimes daily in my life
and yet YOU can't even get him a freaking part on your own

while I am dealing with this now
so have some fucking patients ..
is this guy selling these parts gona close up shop?
I think not ..
it is so not my priority .

Sunday, August 1, 2010

here we are again

I know I have not written in a long while
maybe my way to avoid
avoid repeating myself
repeating things I feel
but I feel I need to write this out
maybe then my spirit can let it go
and my body can stop reacting to it
Thursday night I was feeling fine
Then that all changed
at first it was just a feeling of somethings wrong
not physically effecting me yet
just a feeling of sadness coming
I brace myself ..
never knowing if it's my sadness coming
or someone else I have connected too
Friday afternoon comes
and I physically start to feel sick
my stomach is hurting to the point I just can't stand it
I am feeling sadness
I am feeling off balanced
nothing I do is making me feel any better
people that are around me
ask me whats wrong
I excuse everything away with maybe I have a bug
just need to take it easy and I will be fine
but I am not fine ..I feel overwhelmed
I feel sick to my stomach
I have continued to feel this way all weekend
even this morning ...
I am still in a haze , my heart is beating faster then usual
I avoid the real world pretty much all weekend
spending most of my time on line
laying on the couch
nursing my "bug"
Sunday after noon now and I am waking up from a nap
waking up feeling more exhausted then before I went to bed
dreams filled my mind
all of which make me feel guilty
I call them my conversations with him
yet for the most part I don't remember every detail of what we speak about
but they come and go in my life
now they are back
to be honest all weekend my dreams where active
and they had him in them
in some ways
I just wish they would stop ..
at times ..

maybe the dreams making me sick
but then the sickness started before the dreams
in any case they are not helping me kick what ever this is
So I go on line after my nap
to avoid any talking or anyone knowing
how I am feeling on the inside
even writing this now I am still avoiding talking
D asked me whats wrong
I am just not in a place to share this right now
so I avoid
I check my emails
going through the pages and pages of emails
I have been avoiding for a while
scanning through each one
looking for something
yet I have no idea what
I get through them all ..nothing there with answers
the next thing I do is go to our local online paper
I slowly move my mouse over to its listing
when I stop and feel dread
instantly my stomach begins to turn
I run to the bathroom and get sick
I clean up and run some cold water over my face
and come back to the computer and click
instantly I am drawn to the obituary section
I scroll down through the names
when a familiar name is at the bottom of the list
the name is connected to him
I click and read his uncle died Friday
my speeding heart starts to slow
I take a deep breath and just sit here ..
saddened for his family
they have suffered another loss of someone they love
I am so sorry for that
They are in my thoughts and prayers
Maybe now that I know what is happening
my physical body will stop reacting to the energy
but my heart will continue to ache for them,
for him
and I am left to sit here from a far
praying and sending them love and light
Physically I am already feeling better
it was validation to why I feel things.. the way I do
Validation usually puts my spirit back in balance
But I just hate that I feel these things at all...
at times
wondering why I feel ..yet don't know what they are
wondering why I still after all these years still have this connection to him
I guess that is something I will never know ..

Rest in Peace Alan where always Good to me
My Thoughts and Prayers go out to your loved ones.