Sunday, August 1, 2010

here we are again

I know I have not written in a long while
maybe my way to avoid
avoid repeating myself
repeating things I feel
but I feel I need to write this out
maybe then my spirit can let it go
and my body can stop reacting to it
Thursday night I was feeling fine
Then that all changed
at first it was just a feeling of somethings wrong
not physically effecting me yet
just a feeling of sadness coming
I brace myself ..
never knowing if it's my sadness coming
or someone else I have connected too
Friday afternoon comes
and I physically start to feel sick
my stomach is hurting to the point I just can't stand it
I am feeling sadness
I am feeling off balanced
nothing I do is making me feel any better
people that are around me
ask me whats wrong
I excuse everything away with maybe I have a bug
just need to take it easy and I will be fine
but I am not fine ..I feel overwhelmed
I feel sick to my stomach
I have continued to feel this way all weekend
even this morning ...
I am still in a haze , my heart is beating faster then usual
I avoid the real world pretty much all weekend
spending most of my time on line
laying on the couch
nursing my "bug"
Sunday after noon now and I am waking up from a nap
waking up feeling more exhausted then before I went to bed
dreams filled my mind
all of which make me feel guilty
I call them my conversations with him
yet for the most part I don't remember every detail of what we speak about
but they come and go in my life
now they are back
to be honest all weekend my dreams where active
and they had him in them
in some ways
I just wish they would stop ..
at times ..

maybe the dreams making me sick
but then the sickness started before the dreams
in any case they are not helping me kick what ever this is
So I go on line after my nap
to avoid any talking or anyone knowing
how I am feeling on the inside
even writing this now I am still avoiding talking
D asked me whats wrong
I am just not in a place to share this right now
so I avoid
I check my emails
going through the pages and pages of emails
I have been avoiding for a while
scanning through each one
looking for something
yet I have no idea what
I get through them all ..nothing there with answers
the next thing I do is go to our local online paper
I slowly move my mouse over to its listing
when I stop and feel dread
instantly my stomach begins to turn
I run to the bathroom and get sick
I clean up and run some cold water over my face
and come back to the computer and click
instantly I am drawn to the obituary section
I scroll down through the names
when a familiar name is at the bottom of the list
the name is connected to him
I click and read his uncle died Friday
my speeding heart starts to slow
I take a deep breath and just sit here ..
saddened for his family
they have suffered another loss of someone they love
I am so sorry for that
They are in my thoughts and prayers
Maybe now that I know what is happening
my physical body will stop reacting to the energy
but my heart will continue to ache for them,
for him
and I am left to sit here from a far
praying and sending them love and light
Physically I am already feeling better
it was validation to why I feel things.. the way I do
Validation usually puts my spirit back in balance
But I just hate that I feel these things at all...
at times
wondering why I feel ..yet don't know what they are
wondering why I still after all these years still have this connection to him
I guess that is something I will never know ..




Rest in Peace Alan ..you where always Good to me
My Thoughts and Prayers go out to your loved ones.

1 comment:

Missy said...

Glad you are writing again. This is a powerful post that covers a lot of emotions. I hope you are feeling well and are in a "good" place!