With everything going on I wanted to share some older blogs
these are from my old blog I used when my Grand Mother passed away
now with grandpa in his final days in this world
I wanted to revisit them
find comfort in them...
One year ago this week ..
I called hospice to help stop my grandmothers pain..
Looking back today it was the most Faithful act in my life ...so far
when you come to that moment ..when you have to make that decision
you have no choice but to act in faith ..
I struggled with the choice ..I questioned ..I Prayed
but in that moment ..
I had to depend on my Faith ..and in my grandmothers wishes
I faced my fear ..
I faced my anger ..
I faced my selfish wants
I faced my pain
I faced facts
and acted in faith
Many times over this year I have felt times of question
wondering if God understood ..
in these times of wonder ...I have been shown my answer
a bible passage ..
a friend ...
my church pasture..
my grandfather ..
my grandmother's things appearing out of place
Hearing her now still saying .."your my angel "
a reader whom gave me several messages from her and my Nana
whom returned to me a piece of the past that touched my heart
and validation of those messages only Grams and Nana could give ..
A year ago I never knew if I would have peace in my heart ..
I can tell you today ..I have peace in my heart in so many area's of my life ..
I was truly given such a gift in the experience
it made me more faithful ..well maybe not more faithful...
more like I finally understood what it really was ..
to just depend on faith ..nothing more ..
and to realize I had it ...I had faith
and through her dying experience my faith in the after life was confirmed over and over again
I had always questioned my strength..ever since my Nana passed when I was a kid..
in a lot of ways the reasons for my choices to even care for my grandmother was because of her.
I couldn't take care of her ..I couldn't make her better ..I was a kid
As a kid when she passed I couldn't say good bye ..I was to scared of what I saw in that hospital room
I always regretted not being able to voice the words ..
I love you Nana
I asked my mother to tell her for me ..
But in all this I was able to see my strength..
I was able to say ..Good bye Grandma ...I love you ..
Tell Nana Marie I love her ..
Some how in this whole experience I was able to forgive the child in me who was not strong enough..
I was able to come to terms with not only my Grandmothers death ..but my Nana's too..
While I knew from the beginning that this experience would change me forever ..
I truly never could have imagined healing all the wounds I held from childhood.
I truly never could have imagined I would find peace within my self ..
Aug 20, 2007
In late October of last year I called in hospice care to help relieve Grandma's pain
While I was against the thought of doing so, Knowing the outcome would mean her passing. I could no longer sit aside and watch her in such pain it would have been weak and selfish of me not to take the steps to help ease her pain. We had talked openly before the pain was this bad and I knew her wishes was not to be in pain for me to help the doctors stop the pain. I very much battled to do what was right even though I felt God should be in control.I didn't see at first he always was..
When her pain started to ease which took high levels of pain meds and she smiled at me and said no pain Lorri..no..no pain anymore ..your my angel and smiled
I knew that I had done the right thing and that God was on this path with me whispering in my ear and giving me strength I never knew I had. In the first few days she was feeling no pain while she didn't have an apatite she did have many moments of pain free reflection with me ..grandpa and her helpers. Three days into the treatments her pain at ease she awake to see all her helpers gathered around her. I had not called them but they where all there while we talk and tell "millie" stories
She awoke to ask me Lorri am I dying? a quiet shock came over everyone's faces .as I bent down to place my face closer to hers so I could look her in the eyes
I told her with every strength I could gather I said I believe so Grams but I am not God ..I cant tell you everything I said in those next moments when I finished she smiled at me then said what a beautiful way to die. I looked up to see everyone in the room in tears Peace over took the room she loved so much
See I had filled her room with colored lights and inspirational and christian music cds played 24 hours a day..she had soft lighting in the room for us to see but the room glowed from with in I had many of my crystals laying about area's of the bedroom and on her lap every moment of the day sat a purple beanie baby I gave her when she became so sick. Clear quartz crystal lay within her palm..Angels and her favorite teddy bears positioned just as she would have wanted.A place for grandpa to spend his final moments with the love of his life ..and the two hummingbirds on her closet doors above her "the sign from above" she was in the right place when she called this house ..home.
We spent 6 days caring for her I was there pretty much twenty four hour's a day ..even though I had her wonderful helpers here I had to be there ..when it was time.I called in Pastors and spiritualist they read scripture and Prayer for Grandma.They where kind to me and allowed me to cry, allowed me to feel any way I needed to feel at any given moment.For them and my friends I will forever be grateful. I helped cleans grams aura and get her ready for her passing. We talked openly and honestly her final days in her awaken moments..and when I needed to do things for her that I knew would be uncomfortable I would talk to her telling her how sorry I was that I had no choice ..when I needed her reinsurance she would supply it ..saying it's ok angel
the day before she died ..just me and brenda in the room she seemed aggravated so we tried to calm her best we could ..when this fragile old women decides to try to lunge forward in bed and yells Jesus WAIT! brenda and I looked at each other and laughed inspite of ourselves ..I said GrandMa! you don't take your Body to heaven! brenda and I both laughed as we laid her back into bed.The next twenty four hours was the hardest grandpa was so sad and I was so tired I can barely remember now much of what went on..but the morning she passed away I was there no helpers just me ..at 4 :30 am I gave her, her meds one last time. I washed her up and changed her night gown to the favorite purple one she loved so much. I laid her cross on her lap and her beanie baby still sat right on her lap.I brushed her hair putting in her favorite butterfly clips and I sat alone in her room ..I did all the talking that morning her breathing was very shallow and her time was almost gone..I sat holding her hand telling her it was time to go ..that I would take care of grandpa now..
I released her I believe then ..
till then I kept holding on but in that quiet calm of the morning I knew I had to let go ..
I went out of her room around 5:45 am and sat on the couch and cried myself to sleep ..it didnt seem long but at 6:30 am I heard a voice say good by and I awake to find myself running down the hallway to her room ..as I passed gramps door he was up too ..he started to follow me when I stopped told him to let me check on her first and I'll call you in and a little bit .He complied and went back to his room when I entered the room I already knew my grandma was gone. My medical side took over and I did the things I needed to do and then the grand daughter side came out and as I said my goodbyes I cried and held her hand..and Prayed for her.
I went out and went to call my dad..Then I told grandpa she was gone ...I had cleaned her all up and she lay peacefully in her room ..grandpa spent time with her said his final goodbyes and then came out to greet my father.My father went in shortly and then he and my grand father left the house while I waited alone for the visiting nurse and the funeral home I had prearranged to come to the house when time.I made phone calls and let everyone know she was gone..the nurse came and went ..then the funeral home came and they helped me by removing her rings.I just couldn't do that.They took her body away and I went home for a short while sat and cried and knew my life was forever changed again...as I sat and cried I relized then I had really grown to love her so much ..life wouldn't be the same now
but the experience I will never forget nor regret.
Even her favorite rose bushes knew what was coming...
outside their front door was a wondering rose bush my grand mother loved so much. She would bless the bushes,cut them back ,tie them up ...she gave them life. When they first moved in the bush was nearly dead but when grams moved in the bushes every year got bigger and fuller. This years roses where just amazing the branches reached for the sky and the roses bloomed on every branch. She was so proud..and it was so beautiful.
It's been almost a year since grandma passed..
the rose bushes she cherished so much..
I still see her so proudly pruning and blessing them every year..
Well They didn't bloom this year..
Guess she took them to heaven with her..
I am not surprised..
~Thank you God for leading me down this path~
rest in peace grandma Millie
Oct 30 2006