Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Dear Friend

I can't imagine the emotions
that have flowed over your soul
in recent days
so many emotions
all of which are perfectly normal to feel
it will take a long time for these wounds to start to heal
there are going to be times
when you need to go within
need to work things through in your own soul
there are going to times of question
and times of complete anger
times where your soul cries out
there are going to be times of guilt
guilt over being alive ..living ..laughing and loving
but all these things are the normal healing process
there is no right or wrong way to grieve
You may not want to talk about feelings right now
but someday you will
some days you may feel the pain is to much to bare
and you will fight and try to stay strong
and for those counting on you now ...
to be the "strong one "
remember that there are people you can be weak with
people that will help balance that weight on your shoulders
right now you want to push away
just don't push to far ..
they need to be there for you
as much as you need them to be there...

Monday, April 12, 2010

talking to you tonight

It's the quiet times at night
when I talk to you the most
usually asking you for forgiveness
usually asking you to hear my prayers
talking to you..because I know you hear me
it is as if your sitting there next to me
intently listening to everything I say
never speaking a word
but I know you understand
I know your here
I know your love for me...
is the most real thing to ever happen to me
You understand me
you give me peace of mind
when I fall to pieces
You give me strength
when I am weak
You give me hope
when I am hopeless

But tonight ..
I don't come to you
in need of all those things

I come to you tonight ..
strong
filled with hope
feeling right in the world
and even if this only lasts tonight
I wanted to thank you
for filling me up with such hope
for showing me my own strength
for bringing me into the lives of people
whom leave a ever lasting impression on my soul


tonight as we talk
you are not sitting next to me
I am kneeling at your feet
giving you praise for all my blessings
thank you for this Life

Monday, April 5, 2010

tired

sometimes I feel like
everything I do
is never enough
I love my family
but the weight placed on me
sometimes becomes to much
I am the one there
day to day
I am the one who takes care of all the little things
and I like being that person
what I could do without
are the remarks made about me
questioning me
the blame when ever somethings
not done
Where is YOUR blame?
why are these things always placed on me?
and why do you assume I have ignored something important
why is that your first thought?
why not give me the benefit of the doubt?
are you ever going to change your opinion of me?
I am tired of always being to blame
why am I your scape goat?
if somethings not done for your parents
shouldn't You be stepping up taking responsibility?
I am fine with the fact
that you all have no use for me now in your lives
over the years your have made me feel I had done something wrong
why was I an important part of your lives when you had a use for me?
and now I am an only child with parents who have another set of kids
I get that the age difference plays a big part in why we have no relationship
and I am so sorry I am not the person I once was to you
I can't change back into someone
I didn't like being anymore
I was good enough all those years to be a part of your children's lives
but not good enough to be invited to their graduations
not called when my niece is hospitalized?
I am okay with not being a part of your lives
we are so different
our lives are so Different
we remember things so different
the way you where raised was different
then the way I was
Your lives surround the families you have made
mine surrounds the one god gave to me
they are all I have
You will have future grand children
in my future
my parents pass away and I have nobody
that's not my choice
but it's what God decided for me
I am tired
and hurt
by the things you say
I do everything I can
but I deserve to have a life too
even if not having kids apparently means I don't have a life
I am suppose to do it all
well I am tired of doing it all
They are your parents too
and if something needs to be done
stop depending on the fact that
I in your mind am suppose to take care of everything
The days that I am responsible for everything
are over ..take your responsibility
face the fact your parents are old and need more help then just I can provide
and I should not have to give up my life
to do everything for them
when if all their children pitched in
nobody would have to give up their lives
but just sacrifice a bit of their time
time ... that later when they are gone
you will cherish
not regret
I am not an only child here
maybe you can remember that when it comes to our parents