Sunday, November 27, 2011

Dear friend

You have taken a path in which I have walked
many many years ago
I can tell you from my experience
it's not the path to freedom
while maybe this way ..has given you the strength
the courage to do what you have done
right now I am sure you feel free
but freedom comes with a price
right now you don't see the price you will pay
but I know very well ...
there is a price
Hurting someone you loved
someone who loved you
takes a toll
not always right away
but that freedom has a price
I of all people wish you to be happy
to be loved
to feel complete in life
but only you can make you ..happy
only you can feel complete within yourself
you can't experience true love
until you love yourself
no other person can provide you with these things
right now you may believe you been given all these things
right now you will excuse anything you do and say away
because you truly believe you have found what you have been seeking
and maybe you have found someone who is truly wonderful
but remember there is a price to pay
your price will be in the knowing
that you have hurt someone u once loved
who loved you
it may not seem like a big price right now
but I know it's not a price I want you to pay
so as you move forward
do so with compassion
do so with truth
do so with the understanding that your happiness
has shaken another's world
shaken another's faith
hurt another's heart
this pain you can never take back
this pain you will never feel forgiven for
if you do not handle this right
so stop
and think
think about the future you
and who you want to be
think about the love u once had
think about your soul
think about this other soul
be honest
be open
be compassionate
don't have regrets
that is the price u will pay for your freedom
if you don't handle this right
there is no time in life it's okay to be selfish
there is no time in life that you can just get over hurting someone you love
so as you walk dawn this new path
you have chosen for yourself ..
think about not just the here and now
think about your future you
do this the right way now
so you don't hold on to regret
I can tell you from experience
while you may never receive forgiveness from the other
it will take years and years to forgive yourself
so do everything in your power now do things right

with Love and Understanding ..more then you could possibly know

Saturday, November 26, 2011

an evening at blessed I am

I can't believe I get to live here in this beautiful place ..everyday I thank God for this place ..the peace this place brings me... I am so Blessed

This place has changed me ...changed the way I see my world ..changed the way I treat the people in my life and I share this place with each and every one of them. I still don't believe I deserve a place like this to call ..HOME ..but I sure do thank God for it every single day.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

these prayers ..are not just for me..these dreams not just mine

I rarely pray for myself and my needs
but I do find myself praying hard right now for not just my wants
but the wants of my husband
and the needs of my parents
it is coming to a point where they can't manage on their own much longer
Life has also come to a point where the need to stay where we are is no longer there
we moved here and settled for where we live for a few reason
but most of all the place was just a few doors away from my grandparents
Now that they are gone ..the point of staying here is now gone
but I must stay close
for my parents
We found a place on a private lake
our dream has always been to live on the water
but in the back of my mind is always my parents
so when I looked at the house
I thought would this set up work if they or one of them come lived with us
to my dreams it was
has two living rooms ..bedrooms spaced apart
2 full bathrooms
a giant kitchen
and 2 dining area's
it would be perfect for not just us
but when that point came to be
that one or both my parents needed me
while my parents have a house and it was their dream
that same dream is not ours
to my surprise after showing my parents the place
they both said they would be willing to live there with much excitement
so we have started the process to get the place
all my hopes and dreams of where I live are there
wildlife , the lake ,the view of that lake in almost every room
it would be so peaceful and wonderful
surrounded by woods and the beauty of nature
the place being big enough for all of us to live comfortable
I am praying so hard everyday that we can make this happen
I am so scared to want it so badly and be let down
so scared that i will be forced to later move into my parents house
which neither me or my husband want
I would be heart broken to see it sold someday
but I think that's normal to be sad when your childhood home is no longer your home
this new place would give us all a new start
give us peace and happiness
I can imagine my mom or dad or both sitting out on the deck over looking the water
and feeling the peace of this place
I want that for myself too
I find myself thinking maybe I don't deserve such a wonderful place
but I know they deserve such a wonderful place to finish out the rest of their lives with me
and while moving one or both of them will be a challenge to sell everything off ..that is what I want for them
take the money made off all their stuff and just live life ..just be happy and not worry about money I want them come there live with us be watched over
maybe they would have enough to to do that
So I pray god hears my prayers ..that I am deserving of this dream
that we can make this happen for all of us
please God ...hear our prayers and help make them our reality

Friday, July 29, 2011 I am

Listening to the sounds of rain on the roof

in the distance the sound of the train whistle

the one that passes by every night at this time

I open my lap top and put some words down on the page

it's been a while since I last wrote

been a while since I have felt a connection to myself

that I need to be able to write

or maybe I just needed to find my place again in my world

maybe I needed a break from myself

what ever it was ..

the words are back

the thoughts are back

my heart is healed

I am ready to speak from it again

so here I go ..

I still devote most my time to my parents

I got distracted for a while..

spending more time online then with them

doing mindless things

nothing that required me to think ..or feel

I think I needed a break from the seriousness of my life

needed a break from reality

just to be like everyone else for a while

well other people who don't have to take care of "everything"

maybe there is no such thing as that.

But for a brief time I wanted that

but the guilt ..didn't take long to sit in

the thoughts of what's really important creeps back in

So I am back ..back to my reality

and I feel better now

feel like myself again

being who I am

what I do

makes me feel like a better person

makes me feel I have purpose

so here I am ..

back to my inner thoughts

back to be able to out them down on the page

Life is back on track

Mom and Papa are doing well

Grandma and grandpa Ray are together in heaven

their ashes remain in my china cabinet

not ready yet to part with them


still believe that it was my the most profound experience

so far in my life

knowing ....there is more to come

I worry about my dad Papa

the battle to keep him well ...continues

and it's getting harder everyday

so this is where I am

alone in the dark..

sharing some thoughts

need to get back to this place

remain in this place

even when it's hard to be here ..

so my blog continues ..

stay tuned ..

Thursday, May 12, 2011

This years May 6th

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." Funny how it's hardest to forgive ones self, taken me 17 years to be able to Forgive ...Me, But it feels good to finally be there, I used to think I needed your forgiveness when the truth is I had to just forgive myself.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

It was just meant to be ...

Sometimes things just work out as they should even when we don't see it that way at first..

Mom lost her Silver "bear totem" bracelet..

she was heart broken..

I went to every place we had gone to try to find it ..

and nothing ..

you have to understand my Mother and this bracelet ..

she will not leave the house without it ..

she has many pieces of Native American Jewelry

most of them have a "bear" on them ..

it's her totem ..the bear

a little about the bear totem

Deep in slumber, dreams unending,
Wise old bear, patient, strong,
Send me dreams of transformation.
Grant me intuition along
With introspection of my life,
Inner listening, no more strife.
Caution, Healing, Leadership
The power of the Bear totem
is the power of introspection.
The answers to all our questions
lie within us.
Each of us has the capacity to quiet the mind,
enter the silence and know.
Just as the bear hibernates during the winter,
people with a Bear totem will be quieter
during the winter months. But they
must awaken in the spring and seek
whatever opportunities are around them.
When you have a Bear totem,
you are being guided to a leadership role.
You must be fearless in defending your beliefs.
The Bear also encourages you to exercise
your abilities as a natural healer.
Bears are associated with trees which are natural antennas, linking the heavens and the Earth.
Bear also has links to the seven color rays of the Universal Light
as well as Lunar ties, linking the subconscious and the unconscious mind.

she will not leave her house without wearing a "bear"

it gives her piece of mind.

it keeps her safe in her mind

So losing the bear bracelet was heart breaking

So I got online when I got home ...and searched the designer

after looking for a while I found one on ebay

which was quite expensive ..

then I stumbled onto another at a vintage shop

I called her and we bought it ..should be arriving today or tomorrow

but while browsing this person's online shop I found another piece

that I knew my mother had wanted all her life

A Vintage Native American Sterling Silver And Turquoise Squash Blossom Necklace

She had looked at these so many times at the flea market

Also at a Native American Indian Pow Wows show

always to miss out on that one special piece she wanted

or not to be able to afford the asking price

So when I saw this piece, I just had to show her ..

I snapped a picture with my camera and showed it to her

It really is the piece of her dreams

the one she had always wanted

at a price she could afford

so today we ordered it ..we can't wait to see it on her,when it arrives

The thought behind this story is this ..

while she was heart broken to lose her cherished bear cuff bracelet

if she had not lost it ..we would not have found a replacement

we would have not been lead to find her Dream Piece a..

Turquoise Squash Blossom Necklace.

To us ...this was meant to me this way ..

and to whom ever found that bear totem bracelet

we hope that it does it's purpose for you too

Keeps you safe ..we think that was meant to be too.

So cherish it ..just as my Mom did.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


A razor tongue leaves wounds that can take forever to heal..
I know because there is someone in my life who has one
I didn't choose this person to be part of my life
they where born to be part of it
every time I do or say something ..
anything ..they don't like
they unleash their razor tongue onto me ..
pointing out every negative thing I have ever done ..
or thought.. I have done in my life.
and while this has always happen.. between us
I still feel blind sided every single time
it still creates wounds that will never ever heal ..between us
maybe not in them..after an unleashing they go right back to everything's fine
but in me these wounds bleed and hurt and don't just go away ..
and there is nothing fine about it
I don't understand someone who says they are so content and happy in their lives
still they have such hate and negativity flow from their lips or even their fingertips
that negativity and rage and hate is so so deep inside them
after all these years
when they look at me ..when they see me
and while I would do anything to wipe it all away if I could
I know it is not in my power to do so
the only power I hold is to avoid the razor
the only power I have is to know my truth
the only power I have is to keep on my path of doing good ..
doing right improving on myself
I know I am not perfect
I know I have made my share of mistakes in my life
I know I will always in some ways handle some things wrong
but I also know that even when I make those mistakes
I make them from a good place in my heart
I do not unleash negativity that I have buried deeply in my core
because it is not there to unleash
I am not perfect..I know this
do I have negative thoughts about people
would I unleash those thoughts onto that person
no ..I wouldn't
it's not in me to be cruel
it's not in me to be hateful
it's not in me to make wounds in people souls
in my heart I know those people will see the error's of their ways someday
I know they will grow from the experience they have in life
I do not judge the person on their faults of their past
I do not judge the person on their faults of today
nor will I judge them on their faults in the future
I accept them them love and concern
or they are not a part of my life if I can't do that
in my mind and heart people God has is my life he put there for a reason
it was not to judge them
it was not to abuse them with my words
its to lift them up
build them up
make them feel loved ..even when they don't do right
to try to help them see when they are not doing right
but not by angry words
but by loving and caring words
words from my heart
words that bring tears
words from my experiences
Will I be walked on to keep from speaking my mind when I am done wrong
no ..
I will defend myself
I will express my hurt in what they have said or done
will I hold it against them ..against our relationship ..
no ..
not to these people God placed in my life
I will rebuild ..fix what was broken and embrace them in good or bad
with this person
how do I do that?
am I suppose to do that?
do I give up on them
do I protect myself from that razor tongue
by not having them a part of my life on any level?
God I wish I knew what I am suppose to do here with this person
I can't make them see their abuse
how can I let myself continue to be abused by their words of hate
is this really what you wanted from me is to stay and try
to take this abuse take in this hate from them
and when I do ..where am I suppose to put it all
am I suppose to hand it all to you as you have said
I tried God
but then why do I still feel my wounds
God Please help me
please help me understand
give me a sign to what I am suppose to do
do I continue to try
to try to understand this persons pain
or God is it to much for my spirit to take on all by myself
Please God me the way
lead me away from the wounds they are making in my soul
I don't want these wounds
these wounds scare me..God
scare me because I am afraid to be like them
scared to cut people with my words
I never ever wanna be like that
Did life's pain make them like this?
how do I know the pain they create in me wont make me like them
if I continue to allow it in my life
I am here God ..
show me what to do...

and one more thing God ..
please heal their heart ..
please take their pain and hate from their core
God Please heal their wounds
please show them the pain they inflict with their words
In Gods name I Pray