Doodles from the scrapbook in my mind

Dear friend

2011-11-27T23:54:00.000-05:00

You have taken a path in which I have walked
many many years ago
I can tell you from my experience
it's not the path to freedom
while maybe this way ..has given you the strength
the courage to do what you have done
right now I am sure you feel free
but freedom comes with a price
right now you don't see the price you will pay
but I know very well ...
there is a price
Hurting someone you loved
someone who loved you
takes a toll
not always right away
but that freedom has a price
I of all people wish you to be happy
to be loved
to feel complete in life
but only you can make you ..happy
only you can feel complete within yourself
you can't experience true love
until you love yourself
no other person can provide you with these things
right now you may believe you been given all these things
right now you will excuse anything you do and say away
because you truly believe you have found what you have been seeking
and maybe you have found someone who is truly wonderful
but remember there is a price to pay
your price will be in the knowing
that you have hurt someone u once loved
who loved you
it may not seem like a big price right now
but I know it's not a price I want you to pay
so as you move forward
do so with compassion
do so with truth
do so with the understanding that your happiness
has shaken another's world
shaken another's faith
hurt another's heart
this pain you can never take back
this pain you will never feel forgiven for
if you do not handle this right
so stop
and think
think about the future you
and who you want to be
think about the love u once had
think about your soul
think about this other soul
be honest
be open
be compassionate
don't have regrets
later
that is the price u will pay for your freedom
if you don't handle this right
there is no time in life it's okay to be selfish
there is no time in life that you can just get over hurting someone you love
so as you walk dawn this new path
you have chosen for yourself ..
think about not just the here and now
think about your future you
do this the right way now
so you don't hold on to regret
I can tell you from experience
while you may never receive forgiveness from the other
it will take years and years to forgive yourself
so do everything in your power now ..to do things right

with Love and Understanding ..more then you could possibly know
Lorri

an evening at home...how blessed I am

2011-11-26T15:43:00.004-05:00

I can't believe I get to live here in this beautiful place ..everyday I thank God for this place ..the peace this place brings me... I am so Blessed

This place has changed me ...changed the way I see my world ..changed the way I treat the people in my life and I share this place with each and every one of them. I still don't believe I deserve a place like this to call ..HOME ..but I sure do thank God for it every single day.

views from our dream

2011-10-24T13:09:00.004-04:00

these prayers ..are not just for me..these dreams not just mine

2011-08-11T10:54:00.004-04:00

I rarely pray for myself and my needs
but I do find myself praying hard right now for not just my wants
but the wants of my husband
and the needs of my parents
it is coming to a point where they can't manage on their own much longer
Life has also come to a point where the need to stay where we are is no longer there
we moved here and settled for where we live for a few reason
but most of all the place was just a few doors away from my grandparents
Now that they are gone ..the point of staying here is now gone
but I must stay close
for my parents
We found a place on a private lake
our dream has always been to live on the water
but in the back of my mind is always my parents
so when I looked at the house
I thought would this set up work if they or one of them come lived with us
to my dreams it was
has two living rooms ..bedrooms spaced apart
2 full bathrooms
a giant kitchen
and 2 dining area's
it would be perfect for not just us
but when that point came to be
that one or both my parents needed me
while my parents have a house and it was their dream
that same dream is not ours
to my surprise after showing my parents the place
they both said they would be willing to live there with much excitement
so we have started the process to get the place
all my hopes and dreams of where I live are there
wildlife , the lake ,the view of that lake in almost every room
it would be so peaceful and wonderful
surrounded by woods and the beauty of nature
the place being big enough for all of us to live comfortable
I am praying so hard everyday that we can make this happen
I am so scared to want it so badly and be let down
so scared that i will be forced to later move into my parents house
which neither me or my husband want
I would be heart broken to see it sold someday
but I think that's normal to be sad when your childhood home is no longer your home
this new place would give us all a new start
give us peace and happiness
I can imagine my mom or dad or both sitting out on the deck over looking the water
and feeling the peace of this place
I want that for myself too
I find myself thinking maybe I don't deserve such a wonderful place
but I know they deserve such a wonderful place to finish out the rest of their lives with me
and while moving one or both of them will be a challenge to sell everything off ..that is what I want for them
take the money made off all their stuff and just live life ..just be happy and not worry about money I want them come there live with us ..to be watched over
maybe they would have enough to to do that
So I pray god hears my prayers ..that I am deserving of this dream
that we can make this happen for all of us
please God ...hear our prayers and help make them our reality

so..here I am

2011-07-29T04:17:00.000-04:00

Listening to the sounds of rain on the roof

in the distance the sound of the train whistle

the one that passes by every night at this time

I open my lap top and put some words down on the page

it's been a while since I last wrote

been a while since I have felt a connection to myself

that I need to be able to write

or maybe I just needed to find my place again in my world

maybe I needed a break from myself

what ever it was ..

the words are back

the thoughts are back

my heart is healed

I am ready to speak from it again

so here I go ..

I still devote most my time to my parents

I got distracted for a while..

spending more time online then with them

doing mindless things

nothing that required me to think ..or feel

I think I needed a break from the seriousness of my life

needed a break from reality

just to be like everyone else for a while

well other people who don't have to take care of "everything"

maybe there is no such thing as that.

But for a brief time I wanted that

but the guilt ..didn't take long to sit in

the thoughts of what's really important creeps back in

So I am back ..back to my reality

and I feel better now

feel like myself again

being who I am

what I do

makes me feel like a better person

makes me feel I have purpose

so here I am ..

back to my inner thoughts

back to be able to out them down on the page

Life is back on track

Mom and Papa are doing well

Grandma and grandpa Ray are together in heaven

their ashes remain in my china cabinet

not ready yet to part with them

soon

still believe that it was my the most profound experience

so far in my life

knowing ....there is more to come

I worry about my dad ..my Papa

the battle to keep him well ...continues

and it's getting harder everyday

so this is where I am

alone in the dark..

sharing some thoughts

need to get back to this place

remain in this place

even when it's hard to be here ..

so my blog continues ..

stay tuned ..

This years May 6th

2011-05-12T01:59:00.000-04:00

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." Funny how it's hardest to forgive ones self, taken me 17 years to be able to Forgive ...Me, But it feels good to finally be there, I used to think I needed your forgiveness when the truth is I had to just forgive myself.

It was just meant to be ...

2011-02-24T14:22:00.003-05:00

Sometimes things just work out as they should even when we don't see it that way at first..

Mom lost her Silver "bear totem" bracelet..

she was heart broken..

I went to every place we had gone to try to find it ..

and nothing ..

you have to understand my Mother and this bracelet ..

she will not leave the house without it ..

she has many pieces of Native American Jewelry

most of them have a "bear" on them ..

it's her totem ..the bear

a little about the bear totem

Deep in slumber, dreams unending,
Wise old bear, patient, strong,
Send me dreams of transformation.
Grant me intuition along
With introspection of my life,
Inner listening, no more strife.
Caution, Healing, Leadership
The power of the Bear totem
is the power of introspection.
The answers to all our questions
lie within us.
Each of us has the capacity to quiet the mind,
enter the silence and know.
Just as the bear hibernates during the winter,
people with a Bear totem will be quieter
during the winter months. But they
must awaken in the spring and seek
whatever opportunities are around them.
When you have a Bear totem,
you are being guided to a leadership role.
You must be fearless in defending your beliefs.
The Bear also encourages you to exercise
your abilities as a natural healer.
Bears are associated with trees which are natural antennas, linking the heavens and the Earth.
Bear also has links to the seven color rays of the Universal Light
as well as Lunar ties, linking the subconscious and the unconscious mind.

she will not leave her house without wearing a "bear"

it gives her piece of mind.

it keeps her safe in her mind

So losing the bear bracelet was heart breaking

So I got online when I got home ...and searched the designer

after looking for a while I found one on ebay

which was quite expensive ..

then I stumbled onto another at a vintage shop

I called her and we bought it ..should be arriving today or tomorrow

but while browsing this person's online shop I found another piece

that I knew my mother had wanted all her life

A Vintage Native American Sterling Silver And Turquoise Squash Blossom Necklace

She had looked at these so many times at the flea market

Also at a Native American Indian Pow Wows show

always to miss out on that one special piece she wanted

or not to be able to afford the asking price

So when I saw this piece, I just had to show her ..

I snapped a picture with my camera and showed it to her

It really is the piece of her dreams

the one she had always wanted

at a price she could afford

so today we ordered it ..we can't wait to see it on her,when it arrives

The thought behind this story is this ..

while she was heart broken to lose her cherished bear cuff bracelet

if she had not lost it ..we would not have found a replacement

we would have not been lead to find her Dream Piece a..

Turquoise Squash Blossom Necklace.

To us ...this was meant to me this way ..

and to whom ever found that bear totem bracelet

we hope that it does it's purpose for you too

Keeps you safe ..we think that was meant to be too.

So cherish it ..just as my Mom did.

wounds

2011-02-15T12:37:00.003-05:00

A razor tongue leaves wounds that can take forever to heal..
I know because there is someone in my life who has one
I didn't choose this person to be part of my life
they where born to be part of it
every time I do or say something ..
anything ..they don't like
they unleash their razor tongue onto me ..
pointing out every negative thing I have ever done ..
or thought.. I have done in my life.
and while this has always happen.. between us
I still feel blind sided every single time
it still creates wounds that will never ever heal ..between us
maybe not in them..after an unleashing they go right back to everything's fine
but in me these wounds bleed and hurt and don't just go away ..
and there is nothing fine about it
I don't understand someone who says they are so content and happy in their lives
still they have such hate and negativity flow from their lips or even their fingertips
that negativity and rage and hate is so so deep inside them
after all these years
when they look at me ..when they see me
and while I would do anything to wipe it all away if I could
I know it is not in my power to do so
the only power I hold is to avoid the razor
the only power I have is to know my truth
the only power I have is to keep on my path of doing good ..
doing right improving on myself
I know I am not perfect
I know I have made my share of mistakes in my life
I know I will always in some ways handle some things wrong
but I also know that even when I make those mistakes
I make them from a good place in my heart
I do not unleash negativity that I have buried deeply in my core
because it is not there to unleash
I am not perfect..I know this
do I have negative thoughts about people
sometimes
would I unleash those thoughts onto that person
no ..I wouldn't
it's not in me to be cruel
it's not in me to be hateful
it's not in me to make wounds in people souls
in my heart I know those people will see the error's of their ways someday
I know they will grow from the experience they have in life
I do not judge the person on their faults of their past
I do not judge the person on their faults of today
nor will I judge them on their faults in the future
I accept them ..show them love and concern
or they are not a part of my life if I can't do that
in my mind and heart people God has is my life he put there for a reason
it was not to judge them
it was not to abuse them with my words
its to lift them up
build them up
make them feel loved ..even when they don't do right
to try to help them see when they are not doing right
but not by angry words
but by loving and caring words
words from my heart
words that bring tears
words from my experiences
Will I be walked on to keep from speaking my mind when I am done wrong
no ..
I will defend myself
I will express my hurt in what they have said or done
will I hold it against them ..against our relationship ..
no ..
not to these people God placed in my life
I will rebuild ..fix what was broken and embrace them in good or bad
but
with this person
how do I do that?
am I suppose to do that?
do I give up on them
do I protect myself from that razor tongue
by not having them a part of my life on any level?
God I wish I knew what I am suppose to do here with this person
I can't make them see their abuse
how can I let myself continue to be abused by their words of hate
is this really what you wanted from me is to stay and try
to take this abuse ...to take in this hate from them
and when I do ..where am I suppose to put it all
am I suppose to hand it all to you as you have said
I tried God
but then why do I still feel my wounds
God Please help me
please help me understand
give me a sign to what I am suppose to do
do I continue to try
to try to understand this persons pain
or God is it to much for my spirit to take on all by myself
Please God ..show me the way
lead me away from the wounds they are making in my soul
I don't want these wounds
these wounds scare me..God
scare me because I am afraid to be like them
scared to cut people with my words
I never ever wanna be like that
Did life's pain make them like this?
how do I know the pain they create in me wont make me like them
if I continue to allow it in my life
I am here God ..
show me what to do...

and one more thing God ..
please heal their heart ..
please take their pain and hate from their core
God Please heal their wounds
please show them the pain they inflict with their words
In Gods name I Pray

my book of life

2010-11-20T02:58:00.003-05:00

I may be closing one chapter in the book of my life

but my book is far from over

I am taking the love that grew

the strength I gained

along with the knowledge I have inquired

and starting a new page

but before I close out this chapter

I wanted to say

Thank you

thank you for letting me love you

thank you for loving me

thank you for helping me grow

thank you for letting me help you grow

thank you for good times and the laughter and love

thank you for the bad times and the tears and struggles

I knew from day one..

our journey would change me forever

I never had any doubt that this journey was one God intended for me

to teach me

about so many things

but mostly about faith

I am so blessed to always have you both

as a chapter in the book of my life

I know that in future chapters

the lessons and love

will return

to be revisited time and time again

that's how much of an impact

our journey has had on my life

I close this chapter proud

proud of myself

proud of all the things it taught me

and as I start a fresh new page in my book

the possibilities are endless

God has more big plans for me

and with each new stroke of my pen

I will continue to make a difference in peoples lives

my days of giving it my all ..are far from over

because of what I learned in our journey

I know my heart has no boundaries

I can open it far and wide

I can be hurt

yet still show love and compassion and forgiveness

I can be misunderstood

but that will not stop my heart from loving

that will not stop me from being there always for the people I love

I am strong

I am compassionate

I am God's Child

and I will continue to follow his lead in my life

I will take risks with my heart

because those risks make life worth wild

I will continue to share my chapters

in hopes that they might touch another

I will continue to be me

and everything that entails

because You love me just as I am

and through this journey you set before me

I learned to love me ..just as I am

Thank you God for leading me down this path

I will continue this next chapter

hearing your call

listening to that inner voice

without doubt or hesitation

so take my pen..take me and lead on!

Ray Colin Watson

2010-11-18T12:43:00.003-05:00

Ray Colin Watson of Richmond Mi, formally of Gladwin MI and Algonac MI age 85 went to be with God and all those who traveled before him on 11-18 2010
at Medilodge of Richmond
Ray Watson was born 06-18-1925 in Detroit MI. He served in the United States Navy during the Second World War .He loved Fishing and enjoyed spending time with son Floyd Specially at the Blue Water Bridge Port Huron. He was proceeded in death by his wife Mildred Watson in 2006 and his parents Arden and Edna Watson . He is survived by his step son Floyd Nichols and wife Carole Nichols of Casco MI and his long term care giver and grand daughter Lorri Nichols of Richmond MI. He will be greatly missed by his family and his care takers.
A special thank you to all those who took wonderful care of Ray at Medilodge of Richmond and In House Hospice and his in home care aids ..You all made the final years of his life filled with love and laughter and a lot of happiness, we can never repay you or express to you how much each of you touched Ray's life and Ours too ...

May God Bless you all.

my Angels along the way

2010-11-18T07:05:00.000-05:00

I call them angels

but they are just like you and me

they have had lives filled with trials and tribulations

but it's like they are heavenly sent

they come into my life

into my experience

and share them selves

their experiences

their lives

with me in my darkest moments

when I am seeking comfort

when I am questioning myself

they appear and share of themselves

share their thoughts

their experiences

their loss

their beliefs

and while they might even not know it

I know these encounters

are more then just a coincidence

God placed them in that time and place

to help guide me

to help bring me comfort

to help give me strength

just by the most simplest act

of sharing of themselves

and while they may not even know it

I know that in that moment

God worked through them

he had them open their hearts and show me their pain

show me their truths

show me the inspiration in who they are

their lives

their love

their loss

their reason for being

I am struck by knowing everything comes full circle

not just in my life

but in complete strangers lives and friends lives

their words have brought me comfort all along the way

I see these encounters

and know they are no accident

and as we part ways I know

that not only did they touch my life

but maybe ..just maybe

I touched them back

maybe they needed to be reminded ..like me

what a remarkable person they really are.

And that's why God picked them

to be an angel to me..

so I could return the favor.

listen to their stories

relish in the inspiration of who they are

what they been through

I am so very blessed

Thank you for being my angel along the way

the bitter sweet journey of one special purple bear

2010-11-17T11:17:00.001-05:00

When my grandma got sick ..
One day me and gramps stopped and got her flowers ..
I saw this purple bear with a rose on its chest.
She loved roses and bears ..
she had tons !
So gramps picked out flowers
and I picked up the bear and we gave them to her..
She adored her bear ..everywhere she was ..there was the bear
in her bed ..on the couch ..she wanted it around her all the time.
When she got very sick and we called in hospice to help ease her pain
This special purple bear sat on her lap every moment of every day till she passed away.
after I got her cremated remains back I put the bear on the top of the urn and there it has stayed for me to see and remember ..
I took it up to gramps a few days ago .
for him to hold or just have it around him ..
The first night he picked it up and tossed it off his lap ..
I had to chuckle.
But the next night when I went for my midnight visit ..
he had it in his hands ..so yes I took a picture ..maybe it's weird but It touched my heart and I want to always remember.
It is one special purple bear that I will always cherish.

My Day and updates on gramps

2010-11-16T19:45:00.000-05:00

Grandpa Ray is resting peacefully, I played tapes of christian music today to him ..while he is sleeping most of the time ..he opened his eyes slightly while I held his hand ,swaying it with the music ,whispering to him that we are dancing. I knew some of the words to some of the songs ..only song I knew every word was amazing grace so I quietly sang it to him as we "danced" I spent a few hours with him this afternoon ..The Chaplain Terry came in and he prayed with us again ..he was also there yesterday and I shared my journey with my grandparents with him and Mary the hospice social worker and Peggy the hospice nurse ..they are truly amazing people, I feel blessed to be able to share our journey with them with all its twists and turns ..lessons and love and so many things that have come full circle. How taking care of my grandparents have changed my life in such a positive way. I truly am blessed not to just have taken care of them over these years but to have fallen in love with them.

Yesterday was such a profound day ...filled with such love. When I got home from my day I got a phone call from my dad's doctor ..a test they ran a few days ago on a growth on my dad's neck is a non aggressive form of skin cancer. Next week we are having it removed ..and everything should be fine. I didn't fully explain to my dad just that they need to remove the whole growth. thinking that would be enough explanation for now ...but as soon as I left he asked my mom if he had skin cancer. My mother told him well they just want to remove it before it turns to skin cancer ..so we lied, but it's for the best right now. I know my father he will freak out and think his life is over he has cancer ..we are hoping to avoid the depression he falls into when the doctors give us not so good news about his conditions. I hope he just does not worry and let's me worry and take care of things ..Like I always do.

Today was another busy busy day ..running mom all over town getting things done ..while on the phone with medcure answering everything I could about grandpa so that we can donate his organs after death to research in hopes that someday maybe a cure of some sort can be made by the researchers who will study his organs. After they cremate him and return him to us ..so I can have him and grams together forever... While we always talked about end of life care for them ..I never thought to ask what I should do with the ashes later nor did they say what they wanted ..so for a while I plan to keep them close and some day in the future take them to a place they loved to visit up north where there is a log cabin chapel in the woods that I even went to as a kid. it was one of their favorite places and one of my fondest memories of traveling with them when I was little... everything now is in place ..when the time comes ..now I can just spend my time with him ..making sure he knows he is loved and not alone...

When I got mom home I noticed one of her cats outside ..laying on the ground ..for one shes never that far from the house and two she just didn't look right ..so I walked over to pick her up and she had a really infected ear ..so I called my vet from my cell phone and took her right in ..gosh it never is dull around here huh? lol anyway they drained her ear and gave her meds to help ..she should be better soon ..so that's good I am glad I caught it before it could have got worse.

Now I am home ..let Dave see my face lol making dinner then maybe a hot bath ..a quick nap then back to sit with gramps for a while ..check who's his aid tonight and then maybe sleep ..John is off tonight ..gona miss him. He is such a good helper for gramps and all of his residents. Gona have to do something special for all these wonderful people after this is all over ..but what to do? how do you say thank you for loving and caring about my grandpa and about my family ..these same people every day ask about my Dad ..such wonderful people I have met through grandpa's care ..I am so blessed.

revisit some older blogs

2010-11-15T18:21:00.006-05:00

With everything going on I wanted to share some older blogs
these are from my old blog I used when my Grand Mother passed away
now with grandpa in his final days in this world
I wanted to revisit them
find comfort in them...

2007

One year ago this week ..
I called hospice to help stop my grandmothers pain..
Looking back today it was the most Faithful act in my life ...so far
when you come to that moment ..when you have to make that decision
you have no choice but to act in faith ..
I struggled with the choice ..I questioned ..I Prayed
but in that moment ..
I had to depend on my Faith ..and in my grandmothers wishes
I faced my fear ..
I faced my anger ..
I faced my selfish wants
I faced my pain
I faced facts
and acted in faith
Many times over this year I have felt times of question
wondering if God understood ..
in these times of wonder ...I have been shown my answer
a bible passage ..
a friend ...
my church pasture..
my grandfather ..
my grandmother's things appearing out of place
Hearing her now still saying .."your my angel "
a reader whom gave me several messages from her and my Nana
whom returned to me a piece of the past that touched my heart
and validation of those messages only Grams and Nana could give ..
A year ago I never knew if I would have peace in my heart ..
I can tell you today ..I have peace in my heart in so many area's of my life ..
I was truly given such a gift in the experience
it made me more faithful ..well maybe not more faithful...
more like I finally understood what it really was ..
to just depend on faith ..nothing more ..
and to realize I had it ...I had faith
and through her dying experience my faith in the after life was confirmed over and over again
I had always questioned my strength..ever since my Nana passed when I was a kid..
in a lot of ways the reasons for my choices to even care for my grandmother was because of her.
I couldn't take care of her ..I couldn't make her better ..I was a kid
As a kid when she passed I couldn't say good bye ..I was to scared of what I saw in that hospital room
I always regretted not being able to voice the words ..
I love you Nana
I asked my mother to tell her for me ..
But in all this I was able to see my strength..
I was able to say ..Good bye Grandma ...I love you ..
Tell Nana Marie I love her ..
Some how in this whole experience I was able to forgive the child in me who was not strong enough..
I was able to come to terms with not only my Grandmothers death ..but my Nana's too..
While I knew from the beginning that this experience would change me forever ..
I truly never could have imagined healing all the wounds I held from childhood.
I truly never could have imagined I would find peace within my self ..

Aug 20, 2007

Grandma’s passing
In late October of last year I called in hospice care to help relieve Grandma's pain
While I was against the thought of doing so, Knowing the outcome would mean her passing. I could no longer sit aside and watch her in such pain it would have been weak and selfish of me not to take the steps to help ease her pain. We had talked openly before the pain was this bad and I knew her wishes was not to be in pain for me to help the doctors stop the pain. I very much battled to do what was right even though I felt God should be in control.I didn't see at first he always was..
When her pain started to ease which took high levels of pain meds and she smiled at me and said no pain Lorri..no..no pain anymore ..your my angel and smiled

I knew that I had done the right thing and that God was on this path with me whispering in my ear and giving me strength I never knew I had. In the first few days she was feeling no pain while she didn't have an apatite she did have many moments of pain free reflection with me ..grandpa and her helpers. Three days into the treatments her pain at ease she awake to see all her helpers gathered around her. I had not called them but they where all there while we talk and tell "millie" stories

She awoke to ask me Lorri am I dying? a quiet shock came over everyone's faces .as I bent down to place my face closer to hers so I could look her in the eyes
I told her with every strength I could gather I said I believe so Grams but I am not God ..I cant tell you everything I said in those next moments when I finished she smiled at me then said what a beautiful way to die. I looked up to see everyone in the room in tears Peace over took the room she loved so much

See I had filled her room with colored lights and inspirational and christian music cds played 24 hours a day..she had soft lighting in the room for us to see but the room glowed from with in I had many of my crystals laying about area's of the bedroom and on her lap every moment of the day sat a purple beanie baby I gave her when she became so sick. Clear quartz crystal lay within her palm..Angels and her favorite teddy bears positioned just as she would have wanted.A place for grandpa to spend his final moments with the love of his life ..and the two hummingbirds on her closet doors above her "the sign from above" she was in the right place when she called this house ..home.
We spent 6 days caring for her I was there pretty much twenty four hour's a day ..even though I had her wonderful helpers here I had to be there ..when it was time.I called in Pastors and spiritualist they read scripture and Prayer for Grandma.They where kind to me and allowed me to cry, allowed me to feel any way I needed to feel at any given moment.For them and my friends I will forever be grateful. I helped cleans grams aura and get her ready for her passing. We talked openly and honestly her final days in her awaken moments..and when I needed to do things for her that I knew would be uncomfortable I would talk to her telling her how sorry I was that I had no choice ..when I needed her reinsurance she would supply it ..saying it's ok angel
the day before she died ..just me and brenda in the room she seemed aggravated so we tried to calm her best we could ..when this fragile old women decides to try to lunge forward in bed and yells Jesus WAIT! brenda and I looked at each other and laughed inspite of ourselves ..I said GrandMa! you don't take your Body to heaven! brenda and I both laughed as we laid her back into bed.The next twenty four hours was the hardest grandpa was so sad and I was so tired I can barely remember now much of what went on..but the morning she passed away I was there no helpers just me ..at 4 :30 am I gave her, her meds one last time. I washed her up and changed her night gown to the favorite purple one she loved so much. I laid her cross on her lap and her beanie baby still sat right on her lap.I brushed her hair putting in her favorite butterfly clips and I sat alone in her room ..I did all the talking that morning her breathing was very shallow and her time was almost gone..I sat holding her hand telling her it was time to go ..that I would take care of grandpa now..

I released her I believe then ..

till then I kept holding on but in that quiet calm of the morning I knew I had to let go ..
I went out of her room around 5:45 am and sat on the couch and cried myself to sleep ..it didnt seem long but at 6:30 am I heard a voice say good by and I awake to find myself running down the hallway to her room ..as I passed gramps door he was up too ..he started to follow me when I stopped told him to let me check on her first and I'll call you in and a little bit .He complied and went back to his room when I entered the room I already knew my grandma was gone. My medical side took over and I did the things I needed to do and then the grand daughter side came out and as I said my goodbyes I cried and held her hand..and Prayed for her.

I went out and went to call my dad..Then I told grandpa she was gone ...I had cleaned her all up and she lay peacefully in her room ..grandpa spent time with her said his final goodbyes and then came out to greet my father.My father went in shortly and then he and my grand father left the house while I waited alone for the visiting nurse and the funeral home I had prearranged to come to the house when time.I made phone calls and let everyone know she was gone..the nurse came and went ..then the funeral home came and they helped me by removing her rings.I just couldn't do that.They took her body away and I went home for a short while sat and cried and knew my life was forever changed again...as I sat and cried I relized then I had really grown to love her so much ..life wouldn't be the same now

but the experience I will never forget nor regret.

Even her favorite rose bushes knew what was coming...
outside their front door was a wondering rose bush my grand mother loved so much. She would bless the bushes,cut them back ,tie them up ...she gave them life. When they first moved in the bush was nearly dead but when grams moved in the bushes every year got bigger and fuller. This years roses where just amazing the branches reached for the sky and the roses bloomed on every branch. She was so proud..and it was so beautiful.

It's been almost a year since grandma passed..

the rose bushes she cherished so much..
I still see her so proudly pruning and blessing them every year..
Well They didn't bloom this year..
Guess she took them to heaven with her..
I am not surprised..

~Thank you God for leading me down this path~

rest in peace grandma Millie
Oct 30 2006

Grandpa Ray

2010-11-12T00:22:00.003-05:00

Tuesday Nov 9th Spent hours yesterday at the hospital with grandpa, he has a raging infection that his body can not fight. He is now in a coma like state. Hospice care starts today ..we had to make some hard choices for his care, keeping his wants in mind. Grandpa never wanted anything done to prolong his life, he made that perfectly clear along with my grandma, who passed years back on her terms. They are treating him with heavy antibiotics to help him fight the infection but the doctors really don't feel that he can recover from this ..this time. Time will only tell if he is able to make a rebound. And while I want to give these antibiotics a chance to work ..I hate that he is in the hospital ..I want him here in richmond with us at the nursing home ..where I can visit anytime ..stay as long as I want and he would be around the people who have cared for him .. and grown to love "uncle Ray" at his nursing home. My only wishes are that he feels no pain and that he is surrounded by people who love him. I made a promise to my grandma and I intend on keeping that promise. Today will be filled with phone calls and decisions. I wish I could split myself in two and be there with grandpa and still do everything I need to do for mom and dad. I went home last night and slept most of the night but my dream world revolved around everything going on so ..I don't feel I slept at all ..my mind is racing. The hardest part of everything last night was seeing my dads face when he saw grandpa, I had no choice but to take him there to sign papers and make choices with me ..I begged him to just not go in and wait for doctors ..but my dad wanted to see for himself. It broke my heart to hear dad say ohh my buddy is going to die huh Lorri? Seeing the fear and pain in his face knowing its not just about grandpa but his own fears for his own passing. I only let him stay a few minutes when grandpa started choking and gasping for breath I had to get my dad out of there ..he does not need to see this ..hell I don't want to see this but I don't internalize it to think about myself ..like my dad does. It's understandable at his age and all of his own health issues. So I am also concerned if grandpa pulls thru will he lose his bed at the nursing home..so many questions ..so many choices to make ..I know God will lead me just as he did when I had to make these choices for grandma. I wanna give the meds a chance to do what the can do ..but I want to see him back home where he is loved and cared for in his final days not some hospital where nobody but me knows grandpa. I am waiting on calls now to see when I should or if I even can move him back to his nursing home and have hospice take over his care there. So many questions ..do I give him time at the hospital to see if meds help? and take the chance that he passes away there ..alone? they wont let me stay there with him and I can't stay there with him I need to be home here in richmond for mom and dad and if grandpa was here too I could do everything I need to do ..the hospital is only 35 minutes away but it feels far away when I have so many things and people who depend on me here. I pray these hopes and wishes all play out for him ..I want him to be surrounded by love ..every person who passes away I wish would /could be surrounded by love. If it's in my power to give that last gift to him ..I will

Update Thursday Nov 11

Today Grandpa came home to his nursing home this afternoon, where he is surrounded by the people who love him ..and he is at rest just knowing he is back in his own bed with his "Girls". taking care of him. The lights in his room have been dimmed and music is playing softly in his room ...and Hospice nurses are making sure he is not in pain.

On my way to the hospital this morning, I got a phone call from his doctor at the hospital letting me know exactly what happen to grandpa Ray..and I am still shocked at some of their findings ...

Grandpa ray has Leukemia, probably has had it for many many years. It was in his medical records dating back long before I took over his care. I was never aware of this condition but I know now that even my grandmother most likely knew. But because grandpa Ray for the most part was healthy his doctors here never addressed it or brought it up to me. But the nursing home doctors have known all along ..yet I didn't. Well the Leukemia makes his immune system weakened ..so this infection being so bad , his body is unable to fight it. His body is in septic shock from E coli most likely from feces that found it's way into his body through a open sore or through his urinary track, which happens to many elderly with incontinence issues. Normally an antibiotic can take care of this ..but with grandpa's leukemia and not showing signs of an infection till very late in the infection he just can't fight it this time. The infection has entered most his organs and they are slowly shutting down. And while in the hospital he was in a coma like state ..when I would visit grandpa would respond to me even talk with me ..so I believe for the most part he was shutting his caregivers there out and going to a place in his mind where he could just be left alone. Once back home to his bed at the nursing home he is now responding to his usual nurses just as he does for me. Grandpa used to do the same thing when living with me when he would get mad ..almost like a meditative state. While he is sleeping most the time ..he will respond to our voices when asked questions and when we say his name. He even said hello to my dad today when I asked him too. Tonight I sat with him a while alone in his room ..and we had a good talk about what is happening to him and that waiting for him is grandma and his mom and dad who he was very close to. He kept looking over my shoulder saying yeah she is waiting...and while nobody was there that I could see ..I know someone was there with him waiting for him to go home with them. I spoke to him about grandma and the end of her life, reminding him about the love and care she was given in her final days. I assured him that I would and others would be there to surround him with love too in his final days ..I assured him that I would be okay and that I would take good care of my Dad and Mom and that I wouldn't have changed a thing about our journey together. That I loved him and that these past 8 years have been a wonderful blessed experience and I thanked him for letting me be a part of his life.

While we have no idea how long this process will be ..I know that I have done everything I could. I am keeping my promises to him and grandma by doing everything I could to keep them healthy and well taken care of ..and now by making his passing something calm, respectful and loving. I will miss him when he goes home to be with grandma but my life has been enriched by the experience and the love I have for them them both...

good old days 2010 my thoughts

2010-09-13T01:42:00.003-04:00

To the outside world
it's just a small town fair
but to those whom don't have a summer memory, without it
it means so much more then you can imagine
every sight and smell brings back memories
as you walk through the fair ..
your eyes glance from side to side
the flashing lights
the sounds of the rides
the sounds of the people
the smell's of the midway
and suddenly you are taken back to a time and place
for you this fair... is just a fair
for us this is a right of passage

Returning every year
it's as if you as you walk down that midway
you get to see glimpses of your self along the way
every sight and sound brings back memories
every event, while exciting for everyone..
For us ..
it is a part of who we are ..
Where we came from .
Remembering as young children and our parents taking us to the fair
Then the first time your parents trusted you enough to go explore it on your own
When as teenager's you walked down the midway holding the hand of the person you love
memories of that young love ...still linger there.
Like pieces of your heart and soul belongs to this place
or maybe we owe them to this place ..

I remember being little and sitting on my Dads shoulders, to see over the crowd
I remember him laughing and engaging me in the sights and sounds
always making sure I had so much fun ..
Today I helped my 75 year old father walk to his seat
spent the day making sure he had a good time..
engaging him in the sights and sounds of today
While I was watching his reactions to the people and parade ..
I know I am so blessed
This place makes memories..
ones that we will forever cherish
memories with Mom and Dad ..
memories with friends and fun as teenagers
and memories of that special person, who back then, you went to the fair ..just to see.
memories you made with your children ..their first rides ..their first parade
making it a right of passage in their lives
in our own families
memories with the person you have beside you now
it's every experience over a life time of going to the fair
when you look around , you see all these kids and teenagers, parents
are making those same memories now..
Running into old friends ..
connecting even just for a moment ..is something wonderful
nothing will ever change here... at the fair
makes me wonder how my dad saw things today
he has been bringing his children here for over 40 years
Now his daughter brings him here ..
I know it must be the same for him ..
pieces for himself will always be there ..at the fair
cherished memories
so see it's more then.. just a fair
it's a time to reflect and a time to cherish our past and present and those we love
it's our right of passage ...it's a part of who we become ...it's something we can pass on
and that is where, if you look at it ..really look closely at the experience
You will see the true magic of our little fair..

Dear Friend

2010-08-22T11:07:00.002-04:00

I feel you have worked very hard to make changes in your self
the journey of your life,
even at a young age was to rebuild ..your broken foundation

Our foundation is ..our inner core being
I believe with you...
your foundation was damaged
as a child ..some form of abuse you hide from most
this early abuse ..weather physical or mental or both
damaged your inner being ..your foundation as I call it
and I believe that since this early childhood abuse you have been fighting
to fix what is broken within
when our foundations are broken and we build on them
what happens?

Would you build a brand new home on a broken or cracked foundation?
nobody would ..
but we do ...when it comes to our lives
and we usually choose people who have their own broken foundation
because in some way they understand us
or because we think we can fix them ..
when the truth is that we can't fix anyone ..but our selves
and while I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason
we do take wrong turns ..make bad choices that have long lasting effects on our lives
we do these more often when we have "cracked foundations"
we draw people in that are like our abusers and not even know we are doing it
maybe they sense that weakness in us
maybe we draw them in .. maybe both

But till we learn...
that we need to fix whats broken within us
before we allow anyone else in ..
sometimes we go through many relationships ..jumping from one to the next
sometimes we are stuck in one and we see no way out once we are in it.
But the truth is we always have a choice
there is always another door available to us
we are just to broken to have faith in that other door
behind that door in our minds is darkness
only because we don't know what's there in that darkness
we lack faith ..faith in our selves
even in relationships that are abusive.. we have options
our fear keeps us there..
and maybe while these relationships are bad for us
the reason we find ourselves there is really not about the relationship at all
because when we are in them..it seems to me is when we seek knowing ourselves so much more
we seek a higher understanding more frequently when we can't understand where we are at.
So seekers search out to anything they can work on ..within them selves
somewhere inside we know there is a root to all our problems
and it starts with what's within us
we may try to better ourselves
we may try to find a spiritual connection with our God and Universe
and in other area's of our lives we just learn to accept .. to conform
because frankly ..we are not whole enough yet to do something about it
but at some point on our inner journey of learning
we wake up one day and look inside ourselves to find ourselves in a better place
we have greater understanding of ourselves
we look around at the mess we have around us
things we just let be ..for far to long
conform will no longer work
you will now resent the people who you have conformed too
we may even try to reform the person
try to talk to them ..
make them understand ..how things need to change for you to be whole
You may work hard at trying to make things work
but the truth is you can't fix what is broken within them.

If they are not what you need when you are at your lowest
they will not be what you need when you are more balanced

To continue to grow and change you will need to make a move
make a change ..
sometimes walk away
someone who truly loves you for all the right reasons
will see the changes in you ..embrace all the changes in you
and your change will bring about their own personal growth
they wouldn't want you to conform
they would want to grow together in life
understanding everything that means ...
it's ups and down's
they would work within to be a better person
not only for themselves, but because you deserve that type of person in your life
but many times the people we are with are not at this place
at the same time we are..some may never be and we know that.
At that point we must just walk away when the relationship becomes toxic to our personal growth
This is never easy ..it is going to be the biggest challenge you will face with your new inner self
Have you done the work needed to take on this next challenge?
I believe you have
but what I believe does not matter ...
what do you believe?
are you strong enough now to face this next step in your personal growth?
only you can answer these things
only you can seek the other door's provided to you
can you grow further in the "place" you are right now ..the answer is always Yes
can you grow further in the relationships in your life?
the ones you can ..you should keep and continue to work on
but those ones you can't are only holding you back from your next step in your personal growth.

along our journey in finding us ..we heal our broken foundations
we have many spiritual awakenings along the way
some times we move forward in leaps and bounds
some times we move forward slowly taking small steps along our path
sometimes we fall back and have to revisit something we already learned from
it's all part of our inner growth

only you can answer where you go from here
your need for growth in yourself will not stop
you may avoid it or ignore all the signs shown where change needs to take place
but I assure you ...they will not stop coming
and when your strong enough in mind and spirit
you will then have no choice anymore then to make a change

So surround yourself with positive influences
reach out and ask for help along the way
ready yourself for the changes coming
prepare yourself
because some day soon your need to be you and all that details
You will be stronger then anything holding you back
be smart ..be careful ..be aware
but never stop your journey of personal growth
for any other person

I am praying and pulling for you my friend
I know in the right time and the right place within yourself
you will find the strength to make any choices you need to in your future.

todays thoughts

2010-08-19T12:47:00.003-04:00

I really don't know
if...I feel anger or pity

I am angry that "some" people honestly believe that...
if you don't have children and never have grand children in your life...
that you really have less of a life ..
that your less stressed or less busy..
then they are
because of the lack of a family ?

I pity them
because this attitude just make them look..
so self absorbed ..that they don't even understand what they truly have..

So to them I say ..
Yes you are right ...

I don't have children
I will never have grand children
I will never know what feeling that fills ones soul and heart ..
when their child says mommy for the first time ..
I will never know what holding your child's hand as they cross the street feels like .
I will never know what pride and love fills ones heart when their child takes their first steps in life ..as a toddler ..a teenager ..an adult
I will never experience with them ..their first day of school ..their first date ...first time driving a car
I will never know the heart ache of their first ouchy
their first tumble of their bike
their first broken heart
I will not ever know what it feels like to make it feel better most of the time..
Just by being Mom
I will never watch my children grow and learn
and explore and achieve and fail
I will never feel the pain and helplessness being a parent can feel like from time to time
I will never watch my daughter make mistakes
I will never be able to help guide her into being a stronger woman
I will never see my son grow into a man
seeing his father in his ways
I will never hold my first grand child just moments after she came into the world
I will never be able to buy my grandchildren all kinds of gifts and spoil them rotten
I will never be able to take time out of my life and watch my grand children so my daughters or sons can go to work without worry that something bad could happen in a daycare
I will never be able to tire myself out running after said grandchildren
I will never laugh and live and love every second of my time with my grandchildren
As I age and become elderly I will never have my great grand children come visit me
I will never have a daughter or a Son take care of me and my needs
I will not have someone I love ... holding my hand when I take my last breath and say good bye to this world
I will not have my family honor me and talk about me for the rest of their lives
I will not have my recipes made every holiday long after I am gone
I will not be someone's angel in heaven, that watches over them their whole life

what's really sad ..
you use these wonderful things as an excuse to treat others as if they are less then you
you should look at all these wonderful moments as the gifts in your life ..
It's what makes all the bullshit in life worth it !!!
but you look at it as a chore ..complaining about it an excuse not to have the time for anyone else . even if that anyone else is your own parents
an excuse to be selfish with your time and effort with anyone else but your made family
You used your time with all of these wonderful things in your life as an excuse
a reason to complain about your sister who has no life because she doesn't have kids ..she will never have grand kids .. and in your mind .. don't have a clue

I have a clue ..
I am well aware of all the things I miss out on in this life
I didn't choose to be childless
But I do have a life ..
I find my inspiration in different places in my life
I find other wonderful things in this life that are gifts to that make all the bullshit worth it
it doesn't make my life any less stressful .does not make my life any less busy.

While I don't get to walk down the same path you have

I have a path of my own and God knew that I was special .
I don't need a child or grandchildren to make me "someone" ..
I don't need children or grandchildren to give me purpose ..
to give me strength I didn't think I have ..
I am strong all on my own and in my spirit

And I know ..God, ...He knew that I would find all those wonderful blessed moments in life in the other places he placed them in...
so he never worried ..even when I did
Maybe just maybe someday you might get that ..
and open your eyes to what I see

Remember if God had a path for you
trust that he had a path for me too
even if its not a path you have ever seen

need to vent

2010-08-18T12:53:00.006-04:00

While making sure Dad has his part seems to be so so important to you
well sorry but it's not that important to me
you are asked to do one thing ..find a part
yet again its dumped into my lap to do this ..get this ..get that
WTF seriously believe it or not I could care less about his lawn mower
and the truth is when the part does come
who do you think will have to take time out of their lives to fix the tractor needing a part?
we will
Did you know dad took a nasty fall again working on this tractor
Just as he starts to feel better ..now another fall
bending his glasses and hurting his bad hand ...again
It is a battle to keep his CHF under control
it's a battle to keep him on the right track with all of his health issues
I battle to keep him as healthy as possible to keep him out of the hospital
and when he is in the hospital ?? who sits there day after day taking care of everything?
is it you?
NO it's me and if its selfish for me to want to keep him healthy and at home so I can still live my life with helping him as much as I can..
well then I am just a selfish bitch!!
They asked you for one thing
Let me fill you in on what I do ..what we do
every week ..drop by pick up their mail ..bring them anything they need from the store
in between shopping trips which generally take 5 hours to complete if I take them to the market with me
every monday gather and bag up and take out their garbage.

Dad has many doctors to keep him healthy
generally we visit one doctor every week ..
but when he is sick
we have 2 or 3 appointments in a week
every week there is something extra needs to be done
either I or Dave need to go over
for example few weeks ago dad didn't have the strength to get off his mower alone
so Dave went over and helped him off the tractor
this is sometimes a weekly event ..daily .. something always comes up
we need to drop everything and go help them and we do without complaint
Unless he does something he knows he shouldn't be doing
see what he don't get and maybe you don't either
is that when he gets hurt ..who has more to take care of? is it you? NO it's me
We go over and clean when he is feeling bad
because if we don't ..it takes us hours to clean
when he's sick I bring all his laundry home every week and wash it all
I have even brought home all his dirty dishes so I can wash them all and return them
All winter long we do the same thing cause their pipes freeze
and that's just normal everyday needs
lets mention the times that he has mom call cause he wants and needs something
that could be gas for his lawn mower to he needs something from the store
like the trip to port huron to buy a chain saw ...he can't even use..just cause it was on sale
every 3 days we have to make sure to pick up the mail
have to drop off all their bills at the post office on the way home
take care of any banking they need done
run over and plant this or plant that
run over and stop and grab this or that on my way
get phone calls dad don't feel well come by and check on him
and 90 % of the time its something he's done that he shouldn't have done in the first place
but YES I do all these things case I love them
But I also demand that I am allowed to have my own life too
and while what I do with my life and time may not be important sounding to you
IT IS TO ME ..
when I get a phone call saying your sister wants you to bring dad a copy of this fucking tractor part so she can order it
YOU could have mailed mom and dad a chart ..two days after called them and got the info you needed ..YOU didn't have to depend on me for just another thing
I have enough to deal with ..DON'T YOU THINK?
every day its a battle ..DO U NOT GET THIS?
I know you don't see dad ..have no idea
but he is not the guy he was when you left here
he can barely walk without assistance even with his cane that he uses all the time now
for the last couple months he can't even put on his shoes without help
or get up from a seated position without help
I get to play middle man between mom and dads arguments
I have to talk to dad about the serious things he faces with his health
I have to help calm his worries and answer the same questions over and over
yet he does what he wants cause he is DAD
This summer was spent ..working in their yard ..cleaning their house
making sure he stays healthy ..
and everything in between .
its on me ..
OH yes as you must be thinking I choose this
and YES I do choose to help our parents through all these things
I am lucky and blessed to have the relationship I do with them
BUT you don't seem to have a clue
and frankly I am tired of waiting for you both to get it .
I think I do enough
my whole life is about them
I don't go anywhere without them knowing where I am
I do not travel more then an hour away
so that if there is an emergency I can get back here quickly
YOU are freaking clueless and maybe its time you get a clue
So just do one thing for your parents
if they ask something from you .
just take care of it for them
Don't add more to my to do list..
cause I am doing my part
are you?

so wanted to update this real quick
before I leave to run dad to the hospital
the truth about his fall has come to light
in the last 15 minutes
the fall..
well was not a fall at all
Dad passed out ..harold said for 10 minutes
he was out ..did harold run and get help?
NO he waited to see if dad would come too
and thank God he did
so now I had to get an emergency appointment for him
which I just know will lead to going back to the hospital
spending hours there waiting for answers
this is just what happens every week ..sometimes daily in my life
and yet YOU can't even get him a freaking part on your own

while I am dealing with this now
so have some fucking patients ..
is this guy selling these parts gona close up shop?
I think not ..
it is so not my priority .

here we are again

2010-08-01T18:38:00.002-04:00

I know I have not written in a long while
maybe my way to avoid
avoid repeating myself
repeating things I feel
but I feel I need to write this out
maybe then my spirit can let it go
and my body can stop reacting to it
Thursday night I was feeling fine
Then that all changed
at first it was just a feeling of somethings wrong
not physically effecting me yet
just a feeling of sadness coming
I brace myself ..
never knowing if it's my sadness coming
or someone else I have connected too
Friday afternoon comes
and I physically start to feel sick
my stomach is hurting to the point I just can't stand it
I am feeling sadness
I am feeling off balanced
nothing I do is making me feel any better
people that are around me
ask me whats wrong
I excuse everything away with maybe I have a bug
just need to take it easy and I will be fine
but I am not fine ..I feel overwhelmed
I feel sick to my stomach
I have continued to feel this way all weekend
even this morning ...
I am still in a haze , my heart is beating faster then usual
I avoid the real world pretty much all weekend
spending most of my time on line
laying on the couch
nursing my "bug"
Sunday after noon now and I am waking up from a nap
waking up feeling more exhausted then before I went to bed
dreams filled my mind
all of which make me feel guilty
I call them my conversations with him
yet for the most part I don't remember every detail of what we speak about
but they come and go in my life
now they are back
to be honest all weekend my dreams where active
and they had him in them
in some ways
I just wish they would stop ..
at times ..

maybe the dreams making me sick
but then the sickness started before the dreams
in any case they are not helping me kick what ever this is
So I go on line after my nap
to avoid any talking or anyone knowing
how I am feeling on the inside
even writing this now I am still avoiding talking
D asked me whats wrong
I am just not in a place to share this right now
so I avoid
I check my emails
going through the pages and pages of emails
I have been avoiding for a while
scanning through each one
looking for something
yet I have no idea what
I get through them all ..nothing there with answers
the next thing I do is go to our local online paper
I slowly move my mouse over to its listing
when I stop and feel dread
instantly my stomach begins to turn
I run to the bathroom and get sick
I clean up and run some cold water over my face
and come back to the computer and click
instantly I am drawn to the obituary section
I scroll down through the names
when a familiar name is at the bottom of the list
the name is connected to him
I click and read his uncle died Friday
my speeding heart starts to slow
I take a deep breath and just sit here ..
saddened for his family
they have suffered another loss of someone they love
I am so sorry for that
They are in my thoughts and prayers
Maybe now that I know what is happening
my physical body will stop reacting to the energy
but my heart will continue to ache for them,
for him
and I am left to sit here from a far
praying and sending them love and light
Physically I am already feeling better
it was validation to why I feel things.. the way I do
Validation usually puts my spirit back in balance
But I just hate that I feel these things at all...
at times
wondering why I feel ..yet don't know what they are
wondering why I still after all these years still have this connection to him
I guess that is something I will never know ..

Rest in Peace Alan ..you where always Good to me
My Thoughts and Prayers go out to your loved ones.

Dear Dad

2010-06-20T12:52:00.001-04:00

Out of all the relationships I have had in my life
I have to say I have learned the most from ours
We have not always seen eye to eye ..
on so many things ..
specially when I was younger
but Dad I wouldn't change a thing.
While you have watched me grow and change into the person I am today
I have also seen you evolve and change into the Dad you are today
We have come so far ..
I don't need a special day for you to know how much I love you
I show you every day what you mean to me
I am blessed really to have this time with you
and while sometimes a joke about you and your ways to my friends
I love every second of your Crazy but Funny ways
You make me laugh Dad
and sometimes you make my mad as hell ..
But no matter how you make me feel any given day
I always know you love me just as I am
I have watched myself grow up in your eyes
I have seen the way you look at me change
I have noticed that you no longer feel you need to guide me in every aspect of my life
Yeah you still toss in your guidance here and there ..
But I can tell by "us" that you respect and love me
you Know I do the right thing ..for the right reasons
and that is something I have not always done
But I grew up and for me to see that in your eyes ..
I know it's true
We have had our disagreements Dad
and we probably always will to some point
but the friendship I have with you ..
makes anything difficult we have been through as father and daughter worth it.
I love being as close to you and Mom as I am
I am so lucky ...so blessed
and while sometimes I have to laugh at the crazy that is us
I would be lost without it
we have come so far
I could have never imagined being as close to you as I am
Your my hero ...my biggest fan
and I love you ..even your crazy ;)

Happy Daddy Day !!

Mom

2010-05-07T16:05:00.003-04:00

Thank you Mom..
for always believing in me
for always understanding my intentions
for always loving me
even when I made it hard at times ..

Now I understand.. as an adult
that Mom you are just like everyone else
you have made mistakes in your life
you have made good and bad choices
I am so thankful for that ..
because
it taught You ...
great compassion ..

With every ..
good or bad choice I have made
you never tried to stop me
you let me make my own choices
and when things didn't go as I planed
you where always there to listen to me cry
you where always there with words of compassion
you where always there to make me feel better
never passing judgments
just there for me ..
and while we don't say it all the time
I have always known you loved me
I have always know that we have a special connection
not just of mother and daughter
but an energy between us that speaks with no words
you are truly my very best girl friend
I can share anything and everything with you ..

I am truly blessed to have the impressions on my soul ..
that You and Nana have made
I could not have asked for better spiritual teachers
I could not have asked for better mother's

You both taught me about the simple things in life
no not ever "typical" mom and grandma
because you are not typical people
the depths of your hearts and soul's
well is ....
simply amazing
So this Mother's day
I wanted to share with you ..how much I Love you
Thank you for all you have given to my soul
I will always keep a piece of You and Nana with me
everywhere I go..

I Love you
Happy Mother's day

May 6th ..... my day

2010-05-06T21:56:00.004-04:00

I revisit a past blog
because it still fits today ...

Will you ever know
that I loved you enough, to make you go

Will you ever know
how much letting you go, hurt me

Will you ever know
I needed you to think the worst of me

Will you ever know
the love that still exists in me

Will you ever know
How sorry I will always be

Will you ever know
how much your life meant to me

Will you ever know
How proud of you I am

Will you ever know
that I still think of you now and then

Will you ever know
that I will always be your friend
even though we can never be friends

Will you ever know
the person I have become
the changes in me

Will you ever know
I know things now
I didn't know then
about so many things
mostly about myself

Will you ever know
if I had to do it all again
I would only change the how..

Will you ever know
that I am sorry for what I did

Will you ever know
the true reasons behind my actions

Will you ever know
I wanted you to have your dreams
they where always more important then my own
even though that might be hard to believe

Will you ever know
I am so happy you achieved your dreams

Will you ever know
that while life has moved on

this date stays with me
I think it always will..

the truth is you stay with me..

your love changed my whole life once upon a time
changed who I was forever

I thank you for that
I don't know where life would had lead me
if it was not for you
coming into my life when you did ..

Will you ever know
I will cherish our time forever

Will you ever know

and if you did
it wouldn't change anything
this I know...

but maybe,
just maybe
I could forgive myself ..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today ..

walking down an isle at the grocery store
when the song that was playing
stopped me in my tracks
brought memories back
I had not heard this song in many years
it's really amazingly fitting to hear it today
for the most part I never pay much attention to
grocery store music
but today I could hear every line of the song
made me smile
I see the sign...
I lingered in the isle till the song was over ..
Getting ready to leave ..shopping almost done
when my eye's meet "familiar" eyes
can't go into details
but let's just say ...
I was reminded everything has it's purpose
there is a reason for all things ..
sometimes it just takes years and years to see the why..
and the" little" reminder
warmed my heart .
made me happy
not for me
but for him
even if it shouldn't
even if I have no right
it did and I will see it as a sign
because that's what I do
on my way home turned on the radio ..
windows down
sun shining
scanning the channels
another song
I feel at peace on this May 6th
I seen the signs ..

Everything happens as it is supposed to.. there are no accidents

Dear Friend

2010-04-28T23:09:00.002-04:00

I can't imagine the emotions
that have flowed over your soul
in recent days
so many emotions
all of which are perfectly normal to feel
it will take a long time for these wounds to start to heal
there are going to be times
when you need to go within
need to work things through in your own soul
there are going to times of question
and times of complete anger
times where your soul cries out
there are going to be times of guilt
guilt over being alive ..living ..laughing and loving
but all these things are the normal healing process
there is no right or wrong way to grieve
You may not want to talk about feelings right now
but someday you will
some days you may feel the pain is to much to bare
and you will fight and try to stay strong
and for those counting on you now ...
to be the "strong one "
remember that there are people you can be weak with
people that will help balance that weight on your shoulders
right now you want to push away
just don't push to far ..
they need to be there for you
as much as you need them to be there...

talking to you tonight

2010-04-12T02:05:00.007-04:00

It's the quiet times at night
when I talk to you the most
usually asking you for forgiveness
usually asking you to hear my prayers
talking to you..because I know you hear me
it is as if your sitting there next to me
intently listening to everything I say
never speaking a word
but I know you understand
I know your here
I know your love for me...
is the most real thing to ever happen to me
You understand me
you give me peace of mind
when I fall to pieces
You give me strength
when I am weak
You give me hope
when I am hopeless

But tonight ..
I don't come to you
in need of all those things

I come to you tonight ..
strong
filled with hope
feeling right in the world
and even if this only lasts tonight
I wanted to thank you
for filling me up with such hope
for showing me my own strength
for bringing me into the lives of people
whom leave a ever lasting impression on my soul

tonight as we talk
you are not sitting next to me
I am kneeling at your feet
giving you praise for all my blessings
thank you for this Life

tired

2010-04-05T13:00:00.001-04:00

sometimes I feel like
everything I do
is never enough
I love my family
but the weight placed on me
sometimes becomes to much
I am the one there
day to day
I am the one who takes care of all the little things
and I like being that person
what I could do without
are the remarks made about me
questioning me
the blame when ever somethings
not done
Where is YOUR blame?
why are these things always placed on me?
and why do you assume I have ignored something important
why is that your first thought?
why not give me the benefit of the doubt?
are you ever going to change your opinion of me?
I am tired of always being to blame
why am I your scape goat?
if somethings not done for your parents
shouldn't You be stepping up taking responsibility?
I am fine with the fact
that you all have no use for me now in your lives
over the years your have made me feel I had done something wrong
why was I an important part of your lives when you had a use for me?
and now I am an only child with parents who have another set of kids
I get that the age difference plays a big part in why we have no relationship
and I am so sorry I am not the person I once was to you
I can't change back into someone
I didn't like being anymore
I was good enough all those years to be a part of your children's lives
but not good enough to be invited to their graduations
not called when my niece is hospitalized?
I am okay with not being a part of your lives
we are so different
our lives are so Different
we remember things so different
the way you where raised was different
then the way I was
Your lives surround the families you have made
mine surrounds the one god gave to me
they are all I have
You will have future grand children
in my future
my parents pass away and I have nobody
that's not my choice
but it's what God decided for me
I am tired
and hurt
by the things you say
I do everything I can
but I deserve to have a life too
even if not having kids apparently means I don't have a life
I am suppose to do it all
well I am tired of doing it all
They are your parents too
and if something needs to be done
stop depending on the fact that
I in your mind am suppose to take care of everything
The days that I am responsible for everything
are over ..take your responsibility
face the fact your parents are old and need more help then just I can provide
and I should not have to give up my life
to do everything for them
when if all their children pitched in
nobody would have to give up their lives
but just sacrifice a bit of their time
time ... that later when they are gone
you will cherish
not regret
I am not an only child here
maybe you can remember that when it comes to our parents

message for a friend

2010-03-24T13:44:00.002-04:00

the path that lead to this place in your life has never been easy
facing what's before you ..
facing what's behind you ..
sometimes we can get lost in the emotions of it all
you need to take time
time..
that seems like a simple answer
something people say
when they don't know how to bring you comfort
but it's not simple
it's not just something to say when one is hurting
it's the truth
in time you will be able to stand back
to see everything that's happen with different eyes
Raw emotions will heal
cherished memories will come forth to bring you comfort
it won't be the words shared to you by another that help that healing take place
they are simply reminders from above that in time you will heal
you will move forward
right now it may not seem so
but have no doubts that life will still happen
even though right now it seems like life is happening all around you
you can't find the path that seemed so important before this happen
accept and know that this path is where you are suppose to be
that change ..weather good or bad ..happy or sad..is never easily accepted
we want to go back
back to the way things where
but sometimes we have no choice ..we can't go back
I know that place and I know you are at that place now
and yes life will never be quite the same from this day forward
but know you gave your heart ..you gave your time ..you gave love
you received love ..you received time ..you are loved
and that love will find a way to help you heal
it only takes time ..

just a thought

2010-03-05T13:09:00.002-05:00

You don't have to be perfect to inspire someone ...it's sharing the imperfections of who we are that truly inspire.

Tonights Gathering

2010-01-15T21:36:00.000-05:00

a small group of strangers gathered tonight
with candles and prayers and heavy hearts
each knowing that prayer at this point
is all we can really do
Yes we can all give to a charity
and we should ..if we can
But that does not seem like enough
So we gathered together
there is something special
about praying with others
the energy that is shared
it fills your spirit with hope
hope that our prayers will help
hope that our prayers give hope
to those in need
to those who have been lost ..

I know when things happen,in my life
knowing people are praying for me
always gives me hope
gives me strength
to carry on ..face what ever it is I need to face

As we spoke tonight
getting to know each others
prayers for the people of Haiti
it didn't feel like we where among strangers
the energy in the group was in harmony
all compassionate souls ..

In different places in life
different beliefs
but none of that mattered
it was the joining together
with hopeful and caring hearts
that mattered
when we parted ways
I hope each felt as I did
that strangers have now become friends in our Lord

God Bless those in need of God's Blessings tonight
everywhere ..

Happy ever after?

2010-01-06T00:11:00.006-05:00

I have never believed in happy ever after
maybe cause I grew up
with parents who where not very happy together
and sometimes abusive with each other
yet they now have been married 50 years
unless you count those few years they divorced
then remarried lol
My Nana who lived with us
on the other hand had a wonderful marriage
she and my grandfather where true soul mates
she would tell me so
but sadly he died suddenly of a heart attack when I was 3
and I watched her miss him every day
she would talk about him and them all the time
she missed him every day till she died
showing me that Happy does not last forever
one way or another happy always ends
so no I don't believe in happy ever after
what I believe is
that we have many levels of soul connections
there is not just one person
that will complete the picture in our minds of "happiness"
that even the bad relationship we have ..
they have purpose
even those had happy moments
but like all happy moments they end ..
cause nothing ends "happy" does it?
I believe in contentment
loving someone enough
to go through all the bullshit
life throws at them
and sticking it out
not because you have too
but because you just can't let the other go
even though at times they can make you so mad
so crazy ..you just want to kill them lol
and sometimes you think..
Yes!!!... killing them would make me happy lol
I believe that it's sometimes harder to stay together
then break it off
many..many times over the span of a marriage
but when all happiness is gone
it's very hard to let it go ..I know this ..did this ..
You are always hoping and praying happiness returns
even a glimmer of what once was
and when it's gone
it's gone
Personally I don't even want to label
my relationship a marriage
I don't know exactly why but
it's my relationship
yes I am married
I have a piece of paper that says I am
had that piece of paper now almost 13 years
but in a moment of unhappiness
I could burn that piece of paper
and I could leave and not look back
But I can't ...
why?
because
I would miss him
my heart would hurt..
just to see him
talk to him
kiss him
be with him
laugh with him
fight with him
lean on him
hate him
all those emotions
is to me what "happiness" really is
it's living
it's what matters
not the car we drive
not how much money we make
not the house in which we live
it's the life between us
it's the laughter
and the fights
the bond
the love
the strength
the fight over the remote
that's what happiness is to me
will it last forever?
nope
cause nothing lasts forever
and nothing ever ends Happy

response to: Linda Lou Blog
http://vegaslindalou.blogspot.com/2010/01/damn-you-susan-sarandon-and-tim-robbins.html

2010 my thoughts

2010-01-03T17:16:00.001-05:00

so you thought
this new year
would bring on all these
changes
your holidays are over
you probably feel
a bit let down
that it's now over
and you now face a budget
that is crunched
welcome to 2010
Maybe you let yourself
believe ..
maybe hope is a better word
that 2010 would bring on everything positive
well for the most of us
2010 has already started to challenge our "hope"
those big hopes we had
seem to be diminishing
and it's only the 3rd day in to 2010 lol
We need to remind ourselves
that when we find ourselves in darkness
always comes a light to show us the way
we have to make choices
we have to take chances
and we have to have faith in each other
even when having faith in that person
shakes your since of security
or your since of normalcy
sometimes you have to give up a bit of comfort
a bit of your thought of what's right
and let that person and You know who it is
let that person lead
have faith in that person
You have to give up a little control
share with that person
and give the rest to God
you have to Pray
you have to stay in the positive
you have to have hope
hope in that this change within you will let
someone else grow too
you have wanted to direct things
take control
but you can't control this time
this phase
this New Year
You will need to lean on each other
You will need to find middle ground
and be tolerant of another's lead
it's scary
and your not sure you know how to let go ..
even a little bit
but You know you need too
You know that growth is needed
within both of you
so now the time
the challenges you will face
will be scary at times
you will feel hopeless
but you will lean on each other
find hope in the others growth
you may even find the friend you thought was gone
or one that you never really had before
are you ready ?
ready to hand over some of your control?
time to get ready
it will make the first phase of 2010 a whole lot better if you do..

Happy 50th Wedding Anniversary Mom and Dad!!

2009-12-31T12:33:00.000-05:00

Jan 2 1960

I found true love online !!!!

2009-12-24T12:08:00.003-05:00

Christmas Day 2005
I am searching online
I come across this pet site
I love dogs so I took a peak
I am searching pages and pages of adorable adoptable pets
when I come across the one ..
a itty bitty baby with big Paws and floppy ears
Her name was Chubs and she was in need of a home before it was to late
It's Christmas day ..but I call anyway
The next day I drove 4 hours to pick her up
She is thin
dirty and smelly
But when I pick her up she licks my cheek
The place that called it's self a rescue
was nothing more then a puppy mill
Puppies stacked in cages
I wanted to take them all home
I signed the papers
made sure to get a card
The next day I called and reported the lady
only thing I could do to help the rest
within days Chubs had started to perk up
showing her personality
She was small but had big Paws
which made it hard to keep her balance
So I renamed her
Gracie
because she is anything but graceful
who names a girl dog Chubs anyway
She is now 100 lbs of Love and affection
she is my protector
she is my constant companion
She has many nick names
smoochy face
Kissing bandit
baby girl
She is Love
and she is loved.
I can truly say I found true love online!

lessons I have learned

2009-11-15T18:58:00.005-05:00

When it is Real love
the Memories
the Love ..
lasts Forever
Even when their Gone from Sight.

journal entry Oct /2007

2009-10-30T13:32:00.005-04:00

This is a journal entry a year after she passed
I wanted to share it here
it took me a year
to be able to write about it..

In late October of last year
I called in hospice care to help relieve Grandma's pain
While I was against the thought of doing so
Knowing the outcome would mean her passing.
I could no longer sit aside and watch her in such pain
it would have been weak and selfish
of me not to take the steps to help ease her pain.
We had talked openly before the pain was this bad
and I knew her wishes was not to be in pain for me to help the doctors stop the pain.
I very much battled to do what was right
even though I felt God should be in control.
I didn't see at first he always was..
When her pain started to ease which took high levels of pain meds..
she smiled at me and said no pain Lorri..
no..no pain anymore ..your my angel and smiled and drifted off to sleep

I knew that I had done the right thing and that God was on this path with me whispering in my ear and giving me strength
I never knew I had.
In the first few days she was feeling no pain while she didn't have an appetite
she did have many moments of pain free reflection with me ..grandpa and her helpers. Three days into the treatments her pain at ease she awake to see all her helpers gathered around her.
I had not called them but we all gathered there that night
they where all there while we talk and tell "Millie" stories

She awoke to ask me ..
Lorri am I dying?
a quiet shock came over everyone's faces .
as I bent down to place my face closer to hers
so I could look her in the eyes
I told her with every strength I could gather
I said I believe so Grams but I am not God ..
I can't tell you everything I said in those next moments
all I know is that when I was finished
she smiled at me then said
what a beautiful way to die.
I looked up to see everyone in the room in tears..

Peace over took the room she loved so much

I had filled her room with colored lights and inspirational and christian music cds played 24 hours a day..
she had soft lighting in the room for us to see but the room glowed from within.
I had many of my crystals laying about area's of the bedroom
on her lap every moment of the day sat a purple beanie baby I gave her when she became so sick.
Clear quartz crystal lay within her palm..Angels and her favorite teddy bears positioned just as she would have wanted.
A place for grandpa to spend his final moments with the love of his life ..and the two hummingbirds on her closet doors above her "the sign from above" she was in the right place when she called this house ..home.
We spent 6 days caring for her I was there pretty much twenty four hour's a day
even though I had her wonderful helpers there
I had to be there ..
when it was time.I called in Pastors and spiritualist they read scripture and Prayer for Grandma.They where kind to me
and allowed me to cry, allowed me to feel any way I needed to feel at any given moment.For them and my friends I will forever be grateful. I helped cleans grams aura and get her ready for her passing. We talked openly and honestly her final days in her awaken moments..and when I needed to do things for her that I knew would be uncomfortable
I would talk to her telling her how sorry I was that I had no choice
when I needed her reinsurance she would supply it ..

saying it's okay angel

the day before she died ..
just me and Brenda in the room she seemed aggravated so we tried to calm her best we could ..when this fragile old women decides to try to lunge forward in bed and yells Jesus WAIT!
Brenda and I looked at each other and laughed ..
I said Grandma! you don't take your Body to heaven!
Brenda and I both laughed as we laid her back into bed.
The next twenty four hours was the hardest
grandpa was so sad
and I was so tired I can barely remember now much of what went on..
but the morning she passed away
I was there no helpers just me ..at 4 :30 am I gave her, her meds one last time.
I washed her up and changed her night gown to the favorite purple one she loved so much.
I laid her cross on her lap
and her beanie baby still sat right on her lap.
I brushed her hair putting in her favorite butterfly clips and I sat alone in her room ..
I did all the talking that morning her breathing was very shallow and her time was almost gone..I sat holding her hand telling her it was time to go ..
that I would take care of grandpa now..

I went out of her room around 5:45 am and sat on the couch and cried myself to sleep it didn't seem long but at 6:30 am I heard a voice say goodbye ..
I knew
I awake
find myself running down the hallway to her room ..
as I passed Gramp's door he was up too ..
he started to follow me when I stopped told him to let me check on her first and I'll call you in and a little bit .
He complied and went back to his room
when I entered the room I already knew my grandma was gone.
My medical side took over and I did the things I needed to do

and then the grand daughter side came out and as I said my goodbyes I cried and held her hand..and Prayed for her.

I went out and went to call my dad..Then I told grandpa she was gone ...
I had cleaned her all up and she lay peacefully in her room ..
grandpa spent time with her said his final goodbyes and then came out to greet my father.
My father went in shortly and then he and my grand father left the house while I waited alone for the visiting nurse and the funeral home
I had prearranged to come to the house when time.
I made phone calls and let everyone know she was gone..the nurse came and went
then the funeral home came and they helped me by removing her rings.
I just couldn't bring myself to do that.
They took her body away and I went home for a short while sat and cried

knew my life was forever changed again...
as I sat and cried I realized then I had really grown to love her so much ..

life wouldn't be the same now

but the experience I will never forget nor regret.

Even her favorite rose bushes knew what was coming...
outside their front door was a big rose bush, my grand mother loved so much. She would bless the bushes,cut them back ,tie them up ...she gave them life. When they first moved in the bush was nearly dead but when grams moved in the bushes every year got bigger and fuller. This years roses where just amazing the branches reached for the sky and the roses bloomed on every branch. She was so proud..and it was so beautiful.

It's been almost a year since grandma passed..

the rose bushes she cherished so much..
I still see her so proudly pruning and blessing them every year..
Well They didn't bloom this year..
Guess she took them to heaven with her..
I am not surprised..

three years ago this week

2009-10-29T14:55:00.006-04:00

It was three years ago this week.
I called hospice to help stop my grandmothers pain..
Looking back today it was the most Faithful act in my life ...so far
when you come to that moment ..
when you have to make that decision
you have no choice but to act in faith ..
I struggled with the choice ..
I Questioned ..
I Prayed
but in that moment ..
I had to depend on my Faith ..
and in my grandmothers wishes
I faced my fear ..
I faced my anger ..
I faced my selfish wants
I faced my pain
I faced facts
and acted in faith
I had felt times of question that first year
wondering if God understood ..
in these times of wonder ...
I have been shown my answer
a bible passage ..
a friend ...
my church pasture..
my grandfather ..
my grandmother's things appearing out of place
Hearing her now still saying .."your my angel "
a reader whom gave me several messages from her and my Nana
whom returned to me a piece of the past that touched my heart
and validation of those messages only Grams and Nana could give ..
back then could have never knew
I would have peace in my heart now..
I can tell you today ..
I have peace in my heart in so many area's of my life
I was truly given such a gift in the experience
it made me more faithful
well maybe not more faithful...
more like I finally understood what it really was
to just depend on faith ..
and to realize I had it ...
I had faith
and through her dying experience
my faith in the after life was confirmed over and over again
I had always questioned my strength..
ever since my Nana passed when I was a kid..
in a lot of ways the reasons for my choices to even care for my grandmother was because of her.
I couldn't take care of her ..
I couldn't make her better ..
I was a kid
As a kid when she passed I couldn't say good bye ..
I was to scared of what I saw in that hospital room
I always regretted not being able to voice the words ..
I love you Nana
I asked my mother to tell her for me ..
But in all this I was able to see my strength..
I was able to say ..Good bye Grandma ...I love you ..
Tell Nana Marie I love her ..
Some how in this whole experience
I was able to forgive the child in me who was not strong enough..
I was able to come to terms with not only my Grandmothers death
but my Nana's too..
While I knew from the beginning that this experience would change me forever ..
I truly never could have imagined healing a lot of the wounds
I held from childhood.
I truly never could have imagined I would find peace within my self ..

~Thank you God for leading me down this path~

I'm Not Who I Was Lyrics ~

2009-10-27T09:31:00.005-04:00

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was ...

~~~
This speaks to me..

todays thoughts / yesterdays post

2009-10-23T12:32:00.004-04:00

I been thinking about my post yesterday
and how fucked up I sounded to myself
I am angry with myself
beating myself up today
and feeling naked
it might be that when I was about hit post
D had just got home
and he asked me what you doing
I said writing in my blog
he asked what's it about
I said my feelings ..thoughts
he said oh okay..
and was content with that answer
or knew not to dig any deeper
by my short answers..

which now makes me feel like a jerk
I could probably tell him the truth
that I don't really know why
but right now this person is on my mind
somethings maybe happening with him
after all sometimes
I think I confuse my intuition about him
with the feelings about him
I tend to connect that way with some people
it's a gift I do believe
but also a curse
it makes my own emotions hard to figure out
either this is all about my emotions
or it's something happening with him
and unless I get validation from someone
I don't know which it is
so I am left to wonder
then I think about all that, as a write it
and think what must people who read this think
I really don't think I am crazy
I just think I am like everyone else
and trying to figure out my life
I just happen to write it all out
while others work things out internally
or I am just crazy lol
which ever
it's me
this is where my head it at this morning..
but it's time to let it go
intuition or feelings
does not really matter
validation either way
will come
or
not
I just have to wait and see ..

conflicted

2009-10-22T13:26:00.007-04:00

After all these years
I still think about you almost every day
still find you in my dreams
sometimes I wonder..
If I will ever get back the piece of my heart
you still hold

sometimes I emotionally beat myself up
about allowing myself to think about you
here I am
moved on
in every aspect of my life
but still your memory lingers
and so does my guilt
guilt for the way we ended
guilt for still wishing for a way
to be forgiven..
by you
I remember my younger life
every experience
every memory
you where there
I can't just erase you out of my memory
life would probably be easier if I could
but there's a part of me that..
wants to always remember
always feel that connection
always have that piece of my heart ...
missing
I found myself last night
wishing you would come to my dreams
so we could talk again
like we have in my dreams
maybe then somehow I could
stop the thoughts of you..
laying there in the dark
unable to sleep
wishing you come to my dream
how wrong is that..
I shouldn't want that
I shouldn't need that
it's so unfair
I am weak
I don't know how to make this all go away
it comes in phases
sometimes during these phases
I find things out about something
going on in your life
through old friends.
I don't seek it
but the insight finds me ..
and in those weeks that follow
your on my mind less and less
but right now
your here ...

I think to myself
How can I say
I am happy with my life
with who I am..
who I am with
and still think about the past
still have one foot in the past
someday I hope to be able to take that last step forward
to see the door behind me close
and be at ease with the past
I don't know how to take that step forward
I don't know if I really want too
it will never erase the past
those memories will still linger on
maybe that's what true love does
maybe that's the why

maybe I am just broken

I could never explain
my feelings
and feel good about it
to him
to the man who shares my life
the man who's there for me
been there with me through so much
my feelings
are so unfair to him
I know this..
but maybe that's is just the way it is
love the second time around ..
I don't know how to change it
sometimes I don't think you can do
a damn thing about it ..

so I live with it..
deal with my past
on my own
in my soul
write and share myself through my blogs
hoping not to be understood by the reader
but in hopes to understand more about myself

Missing you..friend

2009-09-30T10:06:00.005-04:00

a good friend of mine died last month
very suddenly
she was 2 years younger then me
had 5 kids all under the age of 12.
The day she died her husband left her ..
he had given her divorce papers recently and he was really moving out this time...
we where talking about her feelings about her fears through email like we had over 8 years.
I had to go to the store real quick,
while I waited for her to email back ..
sending her a...
"keep the faith"
faerie from some faerie app I use
before grabbing my keys and heading out the door.
When I came back I checked my email ..
nothing
I checked her fB page
saw she had been talking to many of her friends ..
many people giving her support and encouragement in what she faced ahead.
Which I was so happy to see ..
I was so worried about her.
The next morning word hit her face book page,
at first I thought it was a mean joke
but soon came to pass and realize she is really gone.
Within an hour of her last FB post she died.
I was in shock and scared ..
scared my friend did something to herself to be quite honest with you.
It's now been a month since she died and no word on what happen really
other then she had a seizure and died at the grocery store.
But I don't know of any history of this ..
dang I knew when she had pms and or a cold
when her and hubby where fighting
I knew when her kids where sick
I knew so much...
there is no way I wouldn't know of some disorder she had.
Her family who posted on her page seemed very shocked,
so it can't be some disorder, it seems to me they would have known she had it...
Her husband changed his fb status a few days before her death to single ...then a few days after her death to widow.
He updated her face book page ..
letting us all know of her passing and funeral arrangements ...
yet she told me he didn't have any of her passwords many times...
it's just very odd.
He is not releasing any further info on what took my friends life.
I was told about the seizure from an aunt of her's ..I emailed.
Many have asked on her fb page
what the autopsy reports are on her death.
The timing of her death is concerning to many of us I am sure.
But he is no longer responding to us...
I know it's very personal information
but we where personable friends for many year's.
A week and half after her death
he thanked all his friends and family for their support
and that he can now move on with his life...

Well I can't ..
every day I see her picture among my friends.
Every where I go, FB, mySp, yahoo, groups
every app we both played there she is ..
I removed her from my crews and yet her avatar pops up
asks me to drop her a note or send her a gift..come tell her a joke...
I don't have the heart to delete her page
Every day when I log in ..
her picture seems to always be one of the top 3 ..
the other night while joking with some friends
I searched God on face book and up come a page
when I get to the page
who's picture in in the top 3 ..
my friend.
I will probably never know what really happen ..
what took my friends life.
If it was a hidden illness or something else.
All I do know is it's hard to lay her to rest
in my heart and mind without knowing ..
without closure

I Miss you friend

a visit from the past brings questions to myself

2009-09-26T09:36:00.003-04:00

Ran into an old friend
one whom was my friend
when I was at my worst
when I was someone
I am not proud of
when I burned my bridges
when I didn't see what was right in front of me
when I thought the grass was greener on the other side
when I thought
I was not worthy of love
when I didn't really understand
what love was
when I was someone else
when I lived a different life

and while I have come so far
in my life
learned lessons
learned to love myself
learned what it really means to love someone
learned never to burn bridges
learned the grass is the same damn color over there
learned I am worthy of Love
learned who I was
learned who I am
learned who I want to be
.....

This old friend -stranger
still looked at me
as if I where her ..
the girl I once was
our conversation
brought everything from my past
back into my today
did she really not see me ?
hear me?
think that I could change?
think I was that same person

...
she did
I could hear it in her voice
I could see it in the way she looked at me

or was it just me?

I posed this question to myself
have I not completely forgiven myself yet?

my inner voice says no
so maybe it was me
maybe I saw in her eyes
what I choose to see
maybe the conversation
went the way it did because
that's the only connection we had
what else would we talk about
maybe if she knew me ..
now
but down deep
I know that I burned that bridge
so long ago
my life took another path
I have turned so many corners since then
I could never find my way back
I am not that person
I am nothing like that person
even though that person ..
was Me ..

seasons

2009-09-25T11:03:00.006-04:00

The tree's here are starting to change color
the days sunny and warm
but there's a chill in the air
that chilly wind that suddenly appears from no where
nights are cold and damp
added an extra blanket to the bed
even had to turn on the heat last night
Mornings are a cold start
but by this afternoon the sun will be shinning
getting back into my fall and winter routines
which by winter will mean
a lot more online time for me lol
before long the first snow will come
while I dread the winter
to watch the snow falling on
a cold winters day is breath taking
specially when I am all cozy warm inside my house
on my laptop lol
But seriously
when I think about up coming seasons
I often wonder besides weather changes
what changes will come to my life
but I only let myself think about ..shortly
it becomes to much to think about
to overwhelming to me anyway
I learned taking care of my grandparents
to just take life one day at a time
because you can plan every little thing
every minute of everyday
but life will happen
and living in life's time line
means depending on your faith
which I do
I don't know what tomorrow might bring
but I know what ever it is
I will find a way through it all
that's what you do
so for today I will focus
on the last days of summer
and enjoy the first days of fall
and take a deep breath
and be thankful
for it all

Good Old Days 2009

2009-09-19T09:30:00.006-04:00

Happy Birthday Mom and Dad

2009-09-18T11:41:00.000-04:00

Goodbye "Gin"

2009-08-22T09:14:00.001-04:00

After battling for her life
in recent months
"Gin" has gone home
to be with the Lord
She passed
peacefully
at home
Gin or as I called her Grandma W
was one of the sweetest women
I have ever met
with her small voice
and big opinions
she lived a long
and happy simple life
even when life was not always happy
"Gin" always showed her contentment with her life
always had a smile to share
in recent years..
age and illness had taken it's toll..

in the heart and soul of the family
everyone knew she was ready to go home

her husband of like forever
"Rocky" was there by her side
fighting to keep her here with us
showing us all
the stuff our Rocky is made of
even if his thinking and reactions
are one of a confused older man..
set in his ways
his beliefs are from another time
and place
while the world has changed
Rocky and Gin always just stayed
"Rocky and Gin"
the family
are all going to miss her greatly
so are her many many friends
she has made over the years.

Virginia Lee Weirauch
August 20, 2009

tears and laughter

2009-08-14T14:49:00.001-04:00

where do I start
tears ...
my soul cries
for the person
you are
and
can be
not the little girl
you used to be
I know she is gone
my heart
aches to help the young women
you are
the soul
at battle within ..
I will be here
without judgement
just love
just with the purest of hope's
just with the purest of intentions.

somewhere along the journey
of you and me
you got the idea
that the only way
I could be happy with us
is if you lived here
but the truth in my heart
is I want you to be happy
I want you to feel balanced
I want you too be whole
I want you to dance in the spirit of yourself
I want you to be proud of you
I want you too love yourself
I want you to explore
what life has to offer you
I want you to have faith
faith in yourself
I want you to not have fear
fear that holds you back from being
all you can be in this life ..
I want your laughter
to out weigh your tears
I want you to have faith
faith in yourself
these things would make me happy
when it comes to you and me
where you live,
what you choose
the way you live you life
is all up to you
it always has been
even as a little girl
was always yours
regardless of the circumstances
my heart
my door
my life
has always been open to you
and it always will be
because
I love you
unconditionally
and I always will

letting go ..

2009-08-11T11:21:00.001-04:00

It was rainy weekend
so I tackled grandpa's old room
tubs of things that where my grand mothers
still stored in the closet
I still had her purse just
as she left it
it's taken 3 years to be able to go through it all
and be able to throw things out
other things I donated to salvation army
All the paper work
from several years
I was able to shred and get rid of
the rest of grandpa's things
things he can't use anymore
need anymore
I finally got rid of
it took me most the weekend
but I got it all done
there was a few things
I just couldn't part with
I don't know if I ever will
I kept her robe
and the purple teddy bear
that laid on her lap her final days
the one that I gave her years before
the bible she read from
the one that I read from to her in her final days
along with some of my own past
stored in boxes
I was finally able to let most of it go
in the back of the closet I found a sealed box
I knew what it was
it was part of my past
a part I don't believe I will ever
be ready to let go
I have not looked in the box in years
but I know it's there
just as those memories
are always there
in the back of my mind
the box will remain in the back of the closet
I don't need the items to remember
believe me
I remember
so why do I keep them
I really don't know
I just know
I can't let them go
just like the few things I kept of grams
I just can't let them go
a few times going through
the things
I found myself in tears
it was not easy
to go through all these things
to let go of so many things
but it was time
but the few things
I couldn't part with
it's silly
they are all placed in a closet
one I don't go through very often
why can't I just let them all go
they are just things
I will always hold the memories
I don't need things to revisit the past
I just need close my eyes
but I just can't seem to let go

this and that

2009-07-28T10:00:00.001-04:00

my parents other daughter
is coming to town today
she and her husband
are taking dad on a fishing trip
which worries me
he has been so weak
I hope he will be okay
I hope this trip does not make him sick
dads balance has been so bad
I hope he will be okay
taking him out on a fishing boat
I don't know if that is a good idea
but what can I do..
Its up to him
today he is having second thoughts
I am glad she wants to make these memories
doing something dad once loved
but I worry
see he gets down on him self
when he can't do things
he used to do
anything stressful
makes him have bad days
3 days away from home
I don't know
the last time she
was in town
they took him to a race
only away for a day
but for 10 days after
he was weak
tired
but I do believe he enjoyed himself
its just what happens after
when shes long gone
and I have to step in and take care of everything
so I guess
I am torn
I hope everything turns out alright
I most likely
will not see her
and that's okay with me
she got into town last night
staying with my parents other child
you may wonder why I put it that way
well that's what they are to me
there is no connection between us anymore
never really was
I have always felt like an only child
maybe the age difference
maybe the complete difference
in how we see the world
maybe cause the meaning of
"family" means something totally different
to all of us
maybe a combination of the three

recently I been a bit peeved
not writing much
because
avoiding the things that been pissing me off
are better then venting it ..even here
but today I needed to write
went to d's families over the 4th
not there ten minutes
when his aunt asks
when are you two going to get around to having kids
d's mom laughed said yeah
I sat there in shock
not sure what to even say
first thing I could think of
was I was old to be having kids now
not that 39 is to old
I feel to old though
but d's mom knows
I can't have kids
I don't understand
why her sister wouldn't know this
I blew off the subject
trying not to let them see the pain
I'll never understand these people
I have been open and honest
about my fertility problems
all these years
yet I am still asked about having kids
do they know this causes pain?
or do they not realize ?
How could they not?
I just don't get it
how can anyone be so clueless?
maybe they like causing me pain
I don't know
but it does not make me want to be around them
next family gathering
I will just have to be sick
lol
d's sister recently
visited
her vacation
spent listening to d's mom
complain about us
how we are never around
never visit
never call
but the truth is
we are there when it matters
there for grandma d when she needed us
there for them when they needed us
do they call?
only when needing something
do they come over ?
no
and when she does stop bye
she never calls
she just drops in
which I hate
and she knows it
I hate when people just show up
not calling ahead
I don't know why it pisses me off so bad
but it does
maybe its the way she looks at
my place
if dishes are in the sink
she always focuses on them
as if it driving her crazy
if I have not done my dishes
from last night lol
my house would be spotless
I would let my inner clean freak out
if I didn't have d and 2 dogs
I can't win that battle lol
I should take a picture before and after d comes home from work
you would be amazed lol
but then again
my computer desk is always a mess
only getting cleaned
when I just can't take the mess anymore
lol
few weeks ago she made a comment
about d
saying she never see's her son
he don't have time for her
I reminded her that that past 2 weeks we spent
all our free time visiting grandma w at the hospital
we even stayed 2 nights with her
after they removed her from life support
not wanting her to be alone
I may have been snippy
but it pissed me off
after we hung up she called me back
said she was sorry and selfish
and forgets cause she is not involved
with that side of the family
I accepted
now I hear from d's sister
all the crap she was bitchin about
her sorry was bullshit
and for now on she can talk to her son
about these things
lets see how far that gets her
I can't make him have a relationship with his mother
I will not be put in the middle
any longer
all this crap been building up
need to start writing again weekly
lol

Update:

it's been a busy week
Dads trip didn't go as expected
after all the worry
my Dad spoke his mind
and they took a trip
up north
to visit the sights
instead of fishing
knowing he just was not up to it
(God does work in mysterious ways)
he had a nice time
he had a fall, while gone
but doing okay
he was really drained this week
I hope next week he feels better

Getting back into the swing of things

2009-07-09T13:39:00.002-04:00

It's been a while since my last post
I have so many things I want to talk about
so many things have happen
seems the world is out of balance
not my world as much
things are good here
but in the grand scheme of things
I think a lot of people
need to put some things in perspective
in my personal life
there is someone I love that
is so off balanced
and there is really nothing
I can do to help them
she is an adult
and needs to walk her own path
but emotionally
she is all over the map
the highest of highs
then followed by the lowest of lows
she just can't find a balance
I want to help
but my help
is not wanted
so I hope
I pray
and sneak in advice when I can
hoping it stays under her
"Your Judging Me" radar
it's not judging ..
it's experience
it's only wanting the best for you
it's being your age once
it's spoken from a place of balance
it's spoken from a place of Love
so I wait
hope
pray
love
you
more then you will ever understand

While I was absent from my blog
so many things in our world
have been happening
our society
has lost some of it's "stars"
a few of which I felt a connection too

One was a beautiful women
who really all I knew about as a child
is a picture of her was on my big brothers wall
for as long as I can remember
I never saw her tv show till I was an adult
watching re runs
my brother still has her picture on his wall
I really didn't know much
about her
accept gossip
I would see on tv
it was not until she got sick
that I started following her story
battling cancer
she fought a tough fight
she shared with us her battles
she inspired
she showed us a true Fight for life
she showed us that life is worth the fight
and in the end
she showed us that
Love was everything
in the end
she wanted her long time love
her soul mate
her child
the piece of her soul
her best friend
her souls sister
she passed with respect
and compassion
watching the news
that morning
I didn't cry
I smiled
I smiled because
she was at peace
Life had become her illness
I feel that at the point
she was ready
to go home
and she did ..
Her family
could now
start
to live again
and
find peace in
her memory

The same day
news broke on another
"star"
one of which
I had a connection too
back in 84
I went to my first concert
the victory tour
I didn't even know really who
he was
but all my friends did
I went with a friend
and her family
I remember being overwhelmed
by the crowd
screaming
crying
over emotional
teen age girls
from all walks of life
I remember crying
but I didn't understand why
but as an adult
I understand
I felt the energy of the room
and it was overwhelming

his death
was sudden
but by many expected
my opinion
he was lost many years ago
I like many, watched on tv
how could you not
every channel was talking about it
but with this death
came
the unbalance
that was his life
if you sat back and watched
some where disgusted by the coverage
some where heart broken and cried
others stepped in
to further them selves in their endeavors
it was his life
this unbalance
so none of it shocked me
it didn't really stir much emotion
within me ..maybe pitty
his death
and the chaos of his life
will be "news" for some time
because people feed off things like this
it's not good for us
but people do
We are not to learn
from his life
but his music
he inspired through his songs
he was not a king
he was not a god
he was someone who
gave us inspiration through song
no matter what you think of him personally
the lyrics..
that was his message
it touched many many people
those words inspired us
and don't we all want
our words
our lives
our battles
to inspire another
Both of them touched our lives
in a different way
let that be what the impact is on your life
get things in perspective
inspire those in your life
fight those battles and don't give up
let your compassion show in your words and actions
be there for the people in your life
be real with them ..
there's no second chances sometimes

share your story
you will be an inspiration to somebody

let that be all of our legacy

(Pictures) a day at the beach

2009-07-02T21:00:00.008-04:00

Noblesse Oblige Award

2009-06-21T12:56:00.008-04:00

When I started writing here
I never thought anyone
would read it
between how I spend my days with my family
their health issues
how we deal with them
Like Past blog "Thoughts for today"
and my thoughts about my life
my past
my present
my hope
my faith
It is a outlet for me
a way to explain
myself
my choices
my reasons
my experiences
shared in my past blog post "broken foundations"
my beliefs
shared in past blog "I believe in signs"
and in Past blog "just some thoughts"
I had hoped
people would read it
be able to relate to it
even if it was just one person
But most of all
I did it for me
and with every naked moment
past Blog "morning thoughts" where I talk about feeling "naked" emotionally
I grow
I understand myself more
to be able to put all the thoughts
running through my head
at any given moment
and some have inspired others
and that is really so wonderful

Recently I was given
the Noblesse Oblige Award

This award recognizes the following attributes:

1) The blogger manifests exemplary attitude, respecting the nuances that pervade amongst different cultures and beliefs.
2) The blog contents inspire; strives to encourage and offers solutions.
3) There is a clear purpose at the blog; one that fosters a better understanding on social, political, economic, the arts, culture, sciences and beliefs.
4)The blog is refreshing and creative.
5) The blogger promotes friendship and positive thinking.

and I am honored
and touched beyond belief
Linda passed the award on to me
I love Linda's blog
she is funny
inspiring
open
and honest
Her blog is one that
I wait for every
Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
you can check it out here
vegaslindalou.blogspot.com

Thank you Linda for the wonderful Award
I am touched
so much so that
I freaked myself out
writing this post
I have 4 different drafts
I have wrote through
the week
and none of them seemed right
today I am just sitting here
writing from my heart
Hoping it's good enough
gosh my insecurities lol
I need to work on that!
maybe blogging more
will help change that
lol

Now I am to pass on this award
To accept this award you are required to do the following:

1) Create a post with a mention and link to the blogger who presented the Noblesse Oblige Award to you.
2) The award conditions must be displayed in the post.
3) Write a short article about what your blog has thus far achieved preferably citing one or more older post to support:
4) The blogger must present the Noblesse Oblige Award to blogs in concurrence with the award conditions.
5) The blogger must display the award at any location on their blog.

I have chosen Barbara(aka Layla)
and her Blog,
Barbara's Blog "Writing from the inside out ..because I have to.

Barbara writes on many subjects
has a few different blogs
Her blogs always find a way to make me
laugh and sometimes cry
but they always finds a way to inspire me
So I hope you accept this award Barbara you deserve it!

thoughts about the sign

2009-06-14T12:48:00.002-04:00

Last night
I couldn't wait to get home
download my pictures
from the day
on to my computer
specially the stop sign one
as I wrote
recalling everything that happen
up to the moment
I found the sign
Having this feeling
that this sign
has more meaning then I know yet
I do know that
Linda came up many times on my birthday
its funny cause we have never met
we only communicate through
our blogs
but on that drive
she came to mind
I shared things in her blog
things she says
the things that have cracked me up
things that made me wonder
things that have made me cry with her
I normally don't talk much
with D about things I read online
unless it touches me so much
that I just need to share it
and sharing with him always feels safe
even though he don't see things like I see them
if I explain how I see it
he then has a moment of seeing things I see
at first that was just a sign to him
that someone wrote some words on
but when you add it all up
the way I see it
everything leading to that moment
there was purpose for
I just don't have a complete understanding yet
but I feel I will

After I got finished writing the blog
posting it
tweaking it cause it was now after 1 am lol
I read it over ..and smile
I go searching friends blogs for new posts
and I go to Linda's first
and there I start reading
her latest post
she received an award
Her post
wrote June 13 on my birthday
as I read through
I am shocked to read my name
on her post
I had to stop and read it again
Maybe it was those two beers with dinner
but I couldn't believe my name
on her blog that day
How cool is that!
Let alone passing the award on to me
on to me ..
wow
me ..
I wanted to start writing right then
but I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer
and the excitement of just having my name
on a writers blog
blew me away
what she said about my writing
made me cry
and I know it's just a blog award
not a gold metal or something
but it means the world to me
that my writing means something to someone
other then me
I am touched
and maybe a bit tipsy
I click off my computer
and drift off to sleep
was a wonderful birthday
I wake this morning
have new comments
from new readers
how exciting
and go back to Linda's blog
and I can't dismiss
the fact that her blog was posted
on my birthday
of all days
that day she was on my mind
that she was the subject again right before
I saw the sign
this women who I just know through our blogs
the sign don't stop believing
well maybe she wont agree
maybe she will think I am crazy!
but I really believe
there is a reason
I believe I was to share this
with her above everyone else
So I wanted to take time and write this
and say Thank You Linda for the Award
and I will be posting about it soon
But right now I am off to the beach
with D and our dogs
another one of birthday wishes!

I believe in signs....

2009-06-13T23:49:00.014-04:00

Today was my 39 th birthday
while out enjoying my day with D

we where talking about signs in our lives
mostly in my life
he was not doing much talking lol

the subject came up when I was sharing
with him about my blogger friend Linda
recently a blog she wrote
about her Aunt Joyce and her sister Lori
and how I thought it was a sign
that her sister heard their aunts voice
so strong
one more time

we drove to the water having this convo
so we could sit and enjoy the peace that brings to me
something I do when ever I can
it was one of my birthday wishes
my eyes wide open for my sign
for today
and D laughing at me
laughing because
all day I was intent on finding it

we continued to talk about signs as we drove
right after I told him ..

you wait and I will point out today's sign to me!!
and he as usual
kinda laughed it off..
we pulled down a street
and as we came to the end of the street
this is what we see ...

I always find very special ones on my birthday
today's sign was awesome
for me this was one of the best!
and I had a camera to share it with you
and maybe just maybe D is now a believer too
ok maybe not ..lol
and maybe others will just dismiss it.

but I am a believer
and maybe it's a sign for someone else too

Happy Birthday to me!

in need of advice ..really

2009-06-03T14:37:00.000-04:00

do you believe if you put something out in the universe
it eventually finds a way to you?
I have always believed this myself
but here I am shocked and bit not sure what to do
I put it out there
Now it's in front of me
and I don't know how to approach it.
a few months back I wrote a blog in response
to another blog.
to read that post go here
http://lorrinblog.blogspot.com/2009/03/question-posted.html
in that blog I shared about my birthday when I was 12
recently the friend I shared that birthday with
contacted me through a social site
she added me as a friend
and for two days I sat here looking at the request
unsure what to do
finally I accepted
I waited a few days and didn't get any personal response
to my accepting her as a friend
so I sent a quick message
really nothing more then a hello
a day later she responded with a hello
asking me how I have been
she also brought up that her mother
recently found a picture of us together
sharing our birthdays
I really don't know which year it would have been
possibly the year our birthday
turned into the worst moments of my young life
I really don't know how I should handle this
should I avoid the subject
should I wait and see if she bring it up
would talking about it help heal
or would talking about it just bring back old wounds for her
I don't want to bring any pain into her life
I am sure the hell she probably faced as a child
is something she must rather leave in the past
maybe her contacting me
talking about this picture
is her way to approach the subject
maybe I need to just hang back
and see where our conversations lead
I feel guilt
guilt for not having the strength back then
to tell someone
to save her from the man who was hurting her
whom hurt me
and most likely countless others
over the years I have thought about the man
did he ever get caught
did he ever pay a price for what he did
I am sure he is now long passed
but honestly I don't know
but there is a place in my soul
that want to know
I live today just a few houses away
from where I was abused
the home where it happen is no longer there
another stands in its place
when I moved here
I though a lot about it
trying to search my memories
I know much of it I have blocked out over the years
but often wondered if he was ever punished for what he did
wished I could have remembered a name
something I could search
and find out
why
I don't really know
it wouldn't change anything
but something within me wants to know
and now maybe I will finally be able to really put it all behind me
but I am scared
I am scared to bring back any pain
for her
I guess time will show me what I need to know
I had often wondered what ever happen to her
she had left our school not long after
by that point our friendship was over
now I have this chance
I don't know how to handle it
got any advice to share
I really need it

just talking

2009-05-29T09:06:00.003-04:00

It's been to long since my last post
But ...
to overwhelmed to even put words down on the page
I want to thank those who prayed with me
for my niece
I will not go into details
but wanted to let you know she is getting the help she needs
and we all have hope that she will find a way through her pain.
We support and Love you so much Timmi
and will always be there for you..
please never forget that

Last Friday D's grandma W went into the hospital
we where not told till Monday
when we where told,they said she would be fine
home in a few days ..not to worry
by Wednesday everything changed
Grandma W is on life support
and it does not look good
Life support something she didn't ever want
but family was not there at the time
she went into
respiratory failure
so measures where taken
So now we wait ..
we spent a couple hours
at the hospital yesterday afternoon
D stood at the door ..
he could not bring himself to come into the room any further
nurses where working on her
suctioning out her breathing tube
I explained what they where doing
not to be scared
she was fighting them
best she could tied down to the bed
even in a medical induced coma
He couldn't take it and walked down the hall
I stood there rubbing grams leg
letting her know she was not alone
after they finished
I stood close to her
so if she opened her eyes
if she can ..she would see someone she loved
other family came in
I watched as they all spoke to each other
crying ..
never touching her
or speaking to her directly
I see them come in and stand feet away from her
saying their good byes in their minds I assume
thinking about all the things they will miss about grandma
selfishly only thinking how this is effecting them
not really giving it thought what she is going through right now
how scared and alone she must feel
if she can hear us
which I do believe she may
she hears so many things that must be so scary
all these tubes ..all the people she don't know doing things to her
that cause discomfort.
Her family talking as if they have no hope
no faith
it will not be till today when doctors meet with the family
give us word on what is the next step
Aunt J has been with grams everyday
D and I are thankful for that
she has always been there for every member of the family
specially grandma and grandpa w

I remember as a child being so struck with fear
when my Nana Marie died
she died of cancer when I was 10 years old
I couldn't speak
I couldn't touch her
I remember being frozen in fear
asking my mother to express to her that I loved her
I have always held regret that I was unable to express my love
I let that regret go and healed my heart
when I was strong enough to be there when my grandma Millie died
my experience taking care of my grandparents for 7 years
changed me
made me see whats really important
it made me a stronger person
a better person then I ever was
my outlook on life and death
has changed
no matter how scary it may be
you should embrace the love
when you show love
even at the scariest times
it gives you strength
think about what you would want
would you want all the people you love
to stand four feet away
and not touch you
while you are facing ..
the unknown

I believe there is a heaven
I believe it is what we imagine it to be
each of us imagines it a different way
some don't imagine anything at all
it's up to you what the afterlife holds

I pray that when I die
the people in my life
are there loving me
touching me
bringing me comfort
don't you

I know some people are just built differently
I just wish I could make them see
see whats really important
it's the love
Don't let the fear
and sadness
take the place of the
LOVE

if you find yourself
able to share in those moments
when a life passes on
let the love be what you show
there will be time
to think about all things your going to miss
to think about how this loved one touched your life
let your thoughts be for them in those moments
You can wait

please pray

2009-05-20T13:46:00.000-04:00

I really can't even talk about this right now
but I need to ask for Prayers for my niece timmi marie
I have never been so scared ..so helpless in my life
please Pray with me for her

quotes that speak to me

2009-05-20T01:18:00.001-04:00

If I cannot forgive myself
For all the blunders
That I have made
Over the years,
Then how can I proceed?
How can I ever
Dream perfection-dreams?
Move, I must, forward.
Fly, I must, upward.
Dive, I must, inward,
To be once more
What I truly am
And shall forever remain.

~Sri Chinmoy

just some thoughts

2009-05-16T10:56:00.001-04:00

I believe we all have the ability to connect to mind body and spirit.
As we experience life's ups it is easy to just to glide through life.
It's when life's downs flow through our lives that we begin to question and seek understanding.
For me it's important to not glide through any aspect of life.
We need to question and seek in good times and bad.
It's not always been easy for me to be my spiritual self
While I have been "sensing" things my whole life ..
I didn't accept that it was anything other then my imagination for many years..
I have always looked at things in my life and saw signs in a lot of circumstances.
For many years I ignored these things
told myself as I was told it was all in my head.
It was easy to dismiss things to ignore the signs in my life.
Looking back now I know it was easy to dismiss.
it's taken work, to embrace these things I feel
I have been called crazy
I have been told I am evil
I have been tested every step of they way on my spiritual path.
When I got to the point about 10 years ago that I could no longer worry about being accepted by others.
I needed to accept myself
accept what I feel with my soul.
I began to embrace my spiritual self
started reading every book on the market ..
taking what fit within me and leaving the rest.
I began reading and learning about all types of religions and spiritual beliefs.
I started seeking a greater understanding of Faith .
I wanted to have faith ..
and I didn't know how to obtain it.
Many times I found myself seeking answers in the wrong places.
Looking back I felt it was wrong right away but I dismissed what I felt and thought well I must be wrong.
These wrong ideals made me feel bad about myself
and soon I realized that anything that makes you feel bad about yourself can't be good for me or anyone else.
Spirit
by any name wants us to explore and grow
does not want to beat us down
Spirit wants to lift us up to a greater sense of self
When I started to listen to my inner self and exploring things that made me feel good about myself and Spirit.
I found myself understanding faith is not something you can just obtain
it's always been there
I just had to accept it.
Just like I had to accept myself
this opened up my world
I started seeing my place in this world differently .
I started to see phases and cycles in my life and in those around me.
I started to see how I can make a real difference in the life of those around me.
I started to see that these people in my life where all placed here for a reason and to embrace the good and bad in all of them ..
Once I accepted myself and Faith I was able to accept others in their lives and beliefs.
I am not saying every relationship in my life is wonderful and a bed of roses lol But in faith I know that if Spirit has a plan for me.
Then I have to accept that there is a plan for all of us
Even when one don't believe
I believe that Spirit still works in their lives everyday

We are all on different levels of spirituality
Some deny any spiritual beliefs
some are just coming into their spiritual self
some are further advanced and live every day a spiritual life.
There are so many levels in between
and this is why acceptance is so important in our lives
once we accept ourselves and our inner knowing
once we accept in ourselves our flaws and all
we then can have the empathy to accept others.
Many times over the years I have been asked and have asked

why is life so hard?
I really didn't have a good answer for that question so I started meditating on that very question
it took weeks to get a response.
it came to me in bits and pieces over time
but I didn't stop asking
At first I was told in meditation
We are here as students
we are here to learn
Life's hard times teach us
Teach us empathy
teach us acceptance ..
I kept pushing I changed the question a bit and asked why do bad things happen to us?
I was told again to teach
Again I changed the question
why is life here...so hard?
at this point I should have known the answers
but I was not ready to accept
This voice came to my mind ..
said if life was all wonderful and joyful
who would seek heaven ?
who would seek him?
who would seek to live a better life?
who would have empathy?
who would explore the inner depth of their souls for answers?

with that
the voice in my mind was gone and my question was now answered.

I finally got it ..and when someone now asks I share this with them ..
Now you would think with all my experiences and my sense of self .
that I would be accepted by others in my life.
You would think that my relationships are all healthy and on track ..
but they are not
and most likely never will
because we are all on these different levels
we don't always see eye to eye
many times I have been told I am to emotional
(they label my inner sense emotional )
that I cant be trusted to make decisions
because I lead in emotion

I don't believe going within seeking answers that resonate in me and saying what's in my heart and soul and living my life exploring my sense, in this way is wrong

I have to live this way
I tried the other way
it didn't work for me ..
and if you look really look within you
it's not working for you either.

Doing whats right "within" ..saying whats in ones heart and soul and living their life that way is not wrong ..
When they are at the point I am on my spiritual path
then they will see
know and feel too..
I try to surround myself with people who lift others up in spirit .
while we can't choose everyone in our lives
We can choose how much involvement we have in those in our lives who want to tear us down
My advice is to learn how to accept yourself ..and then and only then can you accept anyone else.
Once you find acceptance in yourself
you can have these types of relationships and not be effected by their draining effects.
As you grow within...
some relationships will have less and less effects on you
you may even notice these relationships become distant
some may even fade out of your life completely.
You will find yourself seeking other relationships with like minded people
I call it my Soul Family ..
because that's what they are
they may not be of my blood
but they are of my soul.

All Relationships we have all have purpose ..
you just have to figure out weather the purpose is positive or negative..
and only going within and seeking your own sense will tell you which is which.

Recently a friend said to me they don't feel mentally healthy enough to make even simple choices in their lives
they really inspired me to write this whole blog
I have been there and could be again if I didn't live my life this way.
Making choices in our lives
simple ones and ones that have long lasting effects
is really impossible unless one goes within ..

well not impossible you can make them
but the out come may not be what one wants for them selves in the long run.

We have been told many many times live for today!!!
and while I agree we should find joy in every day..

Going within seeking inner guidance for even the simple decisions in life will help you later when even those simple decisions you made have ever lasting effects on your life and those around you..Going within helps you see all aspects of your choices ..helps you see how your choices effect those you love. The more more one seeks answers within they are able to make even the hardest decisions in Faith. Soon it becomes easier and easier to know the answers within.

The trick is to trust in it ..

But in order to go within and trust in it ..you have to go back to acceptance
acceptance in yourself
sometimes that means revisiting our past lessons
acceptance in something greater then you know and see...
while this does take time and effort ..
While you focus within it helps surrounding yourself with positive relationships
you can bounce any thoughts off those who hold a positive place in your life
These are healthy relationship's that will help you separate your fears from reality.
they also help us make knowledgeable choices when it comes to those life changing decisions.

But you have to always follow your own intuition.

I own my truth

2009-05-08T10:24:00.002-04:00

sometimes when I write about my ex
I feel guilty
that in some way
Like I am disrespecting my current relationship
by even thinking about my ex
let alone talking about him
Now in reality
I do not speak of him much
unless the subject comes up
But I do think about
my relationship with him
I think about what made me think the way, I did back then
I can look back
and see what triggered what
looking back I can see the links
I can own my truth
I hurt someone I loved
and there is no way I can never make amends for that
I know that even if I could sit down and share my truths
with him, he would not really ever understand
nor would have any reason to believe me
I didn't always understand
but I am working through that
within myself
I am getting there
writing helps
I hold such regret
not regret that the relationship is over
regret that I hurt someone I loved
regret that at times in my life back then
I did not feel worthy of love
worthy of good things
worthy of having my dreams
I didn't have any faith
in myself
in God
or in him
back then I didn't have any faith in anything
I felt no hope
I did things for reasons that now seem to not be any good reason at all
but the fact is I did them
and I now own that truth
I know the things I did
I did so, out of my own personal pain
But I feel I had no right to cause personal pain to someone else
and If I could take that back ..
change that.. I would
Forgive myself ..and be forgiven

when I feel guilt about still thinking about
Him and our past
I remind myself that it was my life
I can't just wave a magic wand and it all just disappear from my life
and even if I could I wouldn't want to forget.

Life has gone on ..its been many many years
since I have even seen him face to face
Last year I contacted his family
when his brother passed away in a tragic accident
I wrote a blog that the family did see
because I was contacted by another family member thanking me
After I sent a sympathy card from myself and my family
I wanted to show my sympathy without causing any added pain
by attending the funeral..or cause any problems for him and his family
I pray often that their hearts are healing and somehow finding comfort in his memory

it was probably shocking to hear from me after all these years
But I was proud that I had the strength to reach out
regardless of what their thought of me is
my heart ached knowing they lost someone they loved
my heart ached that they where in such pain
and I couldn't hide that pain from the people in my life now
they all knew what had happen
and they never questioned the pain I felt with their loss
It was nice not to have to hide my feelings
to be accepted and understood by D
so many years in the beginning of our relationship
I didn't speak of my past relationship much
when I did it was mostly pain talking
you know the things you say when going through a divorce
the anger you take on
how you just focus on all the bad stuff
and the good stuff just don't come to mind anymore
I often wonder why does it have to be that way
is there not a better way to cope with the end of a relationship
I guess endings are never easy
but why do we make the emotional pain worse
on ourselves and those we once loved
by cheating or turning everything to shit
so we can feel better about walking away
how do we excuse causing that pain on someone we love
by turning what was once good ...to shit
how do we hide the real truth
the real problems
by creating more pain
that what I did
I can say now ..I own my truth

My relationship today
is one that I cherish
it's never been easy
but he gets me
he knows my truth
and I know his
when all the pieces of our life
have fallen all around us
we both pick them up and glue them back together
I believe that our past relationships
taught us the tools to be able to do this
so I am thankful for my past
I am thankful that I can now own my truth.

my gracie

2009-05-06T11:20:00.006-04:00

Take time to smell the flowers...
(even if they are weeds! lol)

may 6th

2009-05-06T09:59:00.004-04:00

will you ever know
that I loved you enough, to make you go

will you ever know
how much letting you go, hurt me

will you ever know
I needed you to think the worst of me

Will you ever know
the love that still exists in me

will you ever know
How sorry I will always be

will you ever know
how much your life meant to me

will you ever know
How proud of you I am

will you ever know
that I still think of you now and then

will you ever know
that I will always be your friend
even though we can never be friends

will you ever know
the person I have become
the changes in me

will you ever know
I know things now
I didn't know then
about so many things
mostly about myself

will you ever know
if I had to do it all again
I would only change the how..

will you ever know
that I am sorry for what I did

will you ever know
the true reasons behind my actions

will you ever know
I wanted you to have your dreams
they where always more important then my own
even though that might be hard to believe

will you ever know
I am so happy you achieved your dreams

will you ever know
that while life has moved on for me ..
and you ..
this date stays with me
I think it always will
the truth is you stay with me
your love changed my whole life once upon a time
changed who I was forever
and I thank you for that
I don't know where life would had lead me
if it was not for you
coming into my life when you did ..

will you ever know
I cherish our time forever

will you ever know
and if you did
it wouldn't change anything
this I know
but maybe, just maybe
I could forgive myself ..

spring has sprung

2009-04-30T10:35:00.008-04:00

sick sick sick

2009-04-28T14:59:00.001-04:00

Yes I feel as bad as I look ..lol

Fuzzy thought's

2009-04-27T10:46:00.001-04:00

It's Monday
where did last week go?
it was a crazy busy week
with my dad being sick
and a visit from my niece
It was good to see her again
I was sad to see her go
but accept that she lives so far away
in so many ways she's all grown up now
and in so many ways she's still a young girl
got to see her old friends
it was a nice visit
Dads been weak
sleeping a lot
complaining his head feels fuzzy
which can be something other then his CHF
we didn't really know till today
when I woke up feeling fuzzy
my chest hurts
I feel weak
what ever he had ...
I now have
I can't be sick
I refuse to be sick
but I think I'm sick
my legs ache
my head is pounding
damn
I am sick
called checked on mom and dad
mom feels the same way
dad is about the same
like there was not enough to deal with
now we all have a BUG!
So today I sit here
fuzzy in the head
updating my blog
I miss writing when I am away
few weeks ago I said life was finally calming down
then bam!
life gets to busy to sit down
share my thought's
maybe I should stop
saying life's calmed down
cause every time it seems I say it
something happens
do I jinx myself?
lol

spring has come
I think it's here to stay now
and that's something wonderful
I was so ready for winter to be done
now watch ..I said that
it will snow ..

maybe I need to stop talking
I think in my fuzzy state
I should step away from the keyboard

giggles

happy Monday !!

an update

2009-04-21T11:51:00.001-04:00

I'm tired
been a long weekend
been a long week already
and it's only Tuesday lol
it's been a rough couple days for my dad
we spent most of the night last night
in the ER
He was doing well at home
we saw the doctor Monday morning
things where going well
most the fluid was gone
It was a cold rainy day here
I hated taking him out in it
but we had to go
things where looking better
10 lbs of fluid gone
in 4 days
(wish I could lose 10 lbs in 4 days lol)
we got home
things where fine
dad laid down for a nap
I went home
a few hours later
mom calls
dad having hard time breathing
and he is shaking bad.
So I jumped back in the car
drove over
after checking him out
I decide to call an ambulance
to take him to the ER
just to have him checked over
My thought's first went to
that maybe all the lasix
he has taken the last couple days
maybe he got to much
I remembered reading something about
some side effects of lasix
its best to have it checked out
Now we didn't need an ambulance really
but something some people don't think about
is that if you are brought into a hospital by ambulance
you don't have to wait
you are seen right away
walk in's have to wait.
We don't wait anymore
years ago we drove him in
during a medical emergency
and we waited 3 hours in the ER
before he was finally seen
anyway last night I followed
the ambulance to the hospital
they ran some tests
hooked him up checked him out
gave him a chest xray
and another dose of lasix
and put in a catheter
while we waited for results
we watched tv
some beauty pageant
and waited
the shaking had stopped
he was breathing better
I teased him that half naked women
cured him lol
The doctor finally came in
around 2 am
said they wanted to keep him over night
run more tests
that yes he still has some fluid on him
a few more days of lasix
should help
dad says I can do that from home
the doctor says yes u probably can
but we will still like to keep you
I must agree with dad
he will rest better at home
I am 8 minutes away
I asked if he could go home on the cath
they looked at me strange lol
I said he could rest better if he didn't have to get up
every 15 to 20 minutes
I said I will take him to his own doctor within 2 days
to have it removed
I explain I am a CNA
and do know how to empty and clean the bag
that it's not a problem
the doctor tilts his head
and says okay
we can do that
As soon as I said that
I was on my own lol
well you get him dressed
and I'll send in a wheel chair
and he was gone
after I helped him dress
I opened the door
the wheel chair sat outside the door
I got him settled
and started wheeling him out
I passed the doctor
OH here let me help you
I tell him I need to go get my car
he says we will meet you out front
I pull around
here is my dad out in the cold rain
left alone sitting in the chair
in front of the hospital emergency front doors
WTF
he couldn't wait inside with him till I pulled up?
it took everything I had not to put my father in the car
and walk my ass back in and give him a piece of my mind
but it's late and dad needs to get home in bed
But that is not going to stop me from calling today
and voicing my issue with that doctor.
I know they are busy
but damn
fucking get a clue
you don't leave a sick man out in the cold rain.
We got home and I got him settled and in bed
I went home but didn't sleep well
up this morning at 7 am to go check on him
helped him get cleaned up and made him some breakfast
he took his meds as I walked around picking up this and that
and tossing it in the garbage
the man never tosses anything away lol

came home and now unwinding
should lay down and sleep
but my minds wide awake
maybe writing will help
so here I sit and type
I take a deep breath
it's going to be a long week

morning thoughts..afternoon worries (updated)

2009-04-16T09:27:00.006-04:00

I was really happy to see my previous post
was commented on in such a positive way
sometimes after I hit send
I have a moment of feeling a bit naked
I will also admit to returning back and tweeking
a few posts from time to time
just because I couldn't shake that feeling
of exposing more then I guess I was ready for.
when I started this blog
I really didn't invite many friends to come read
I didn't tell my family I moved my blogs
Sure they can find me
if they googled my ass lol
but they wont
so when I sit down to write it's just me
alone in my head
it seems for the most part
I need to be alone in the house to write
I am up every morning early these days
almost like it's morning
time to write
like it's a job
I love to go to
and I do
but it's not a job
I just love it lol
I need to be alone so
I can sit and get into the mind set to write
I turn on the tv
on some stupid show
on purpose..lol
so I don't get my attention drawn away from what I am doing
that why I need to be alone
someone here forget about it lol
accept when gramps lived here
I could write with him being here
he napped a lot
some days it comes easy
words just flow out on the page
and the words fit what I am feeling
others I just can't past the first line
or can't even express what I want to share at all
and find myself wondering off
reading blogs
checking my emails
reading the wall at facebook
yess...and play Yoville sometimes ..ok to much
checking my..myspace
then I wonder off doing laundry ,dishes
If I can't write ..
well least I can have a clean house right? lol
Now that grandma d has the green light to drive
I should be home a lot more
yeah still do for my mom and dad
but the lighter load is quite a relief
while I felt good helping her
I feel good when I have time to write too
I started another blog
this ones a story blog
pages from her story
I don't know if I am any good at writing stories
but writing the story has been something
I have wanted to do for a long time
and while things have calmed down in my life
while my attention
is not being pulled
in a million different directions
I am going to write it
It's not a short story
the story will span many years
and as the pages of text add up
maybe I will learn to be a better story writer.
there's a few reason's why I want to write this story
but the most valid reason is because I need to do it for me
Just as I do this blog
you know
I spend much time alone in my head
I am for the most part a serious person
Don't get me wrong ..I have a sense of humor
but the only thing that flows ..it seems
when I sit down to write
are the thoughts running through my head
my hearts voice
my souls voice
I don't know what it is
but it's there
I just type the words
it tells me to write
lol
sounds a bit crazy lol
oh well
another
naked moment lol

afternoon worries...

Shortly after posting this morning blog
mom called and asked if I could come over
I said what's wrong?
Dad was having a bit of a trouble breathing
it been going on for about 5 days she says
Umm I am just hearing about it now?
We talk every single day
matter of fact
was just there the night before
but dad was sleeping
nobody said a word ..

I called the doctor
we can see him in a few hours
or we can go to the ER, I told him
he wanted to wait
His congestive heart failure is out of control again
he had all the warning signs the past week
he admitted it to the doctor
Yet he didn't do what he knows he is suppose to do
double his lasix for three days
if no change go to see the doctor
at the point he is now
he should be in the hospital
but doc said ok to stay home
and do the medication
if no change in his breathing within 48 hours
go to the ER
We have gone through so many times
even with his mother my grandmother
she acted the same way
about taking her meds and taking the signs of their disease seriously
I asked him if I had to come over every day and look at him
why am I only hearing about this now
now that you can't breath
damn I rather have to pee all day then not be able to take a deep breath
I understand he hates it
I understand he is mad as hell
that he has this disease
but I can't help unless he helps himself too
first day you could dismiss the feelings I can understand that
but 5 days and 10 lb weight gain of fluid?
I want to scream
I want to shake him
I want him to be responsible for his health
I can only help when he tells me somethings wrong
makes me so mad
I am mad
but it also scares me
one of these times
he is gona let it go to far
to come back from
I know if we moved there
I could keep a better eye on him
and at some point I know
I will need too
but I am not ready for that point yet
He is home
I pray the the meds do the trick
so he don't need to go to the hospital
please say some prayers for him.

broken foundations

2009-04-13T11:47:00.011-04:00

Building anything on a broken foundation
is never a smart idea ..

I don't know where I heard it
But it's been in my head for for a long,long time

But when I heard it
I didn't think about "houses"
I thought about relationships
I thought about myself
there's been so many points in my life
that I started building relationships
when I was not in a place emotionally to start anything
but I went ahead anyway
and started to build on broken foundation
thinking that the relationship could "fix me"
I know I am not alone in this
we all do it
let's face it life don't stop
because your emotionally broken or damaged
Gosh in some ways I feel I had been emotionally broken
most my life
but what stands out the most is
since I was ten
when my Nana who raised me died of cancer
when my parents filed for divorce..just weeks later
and then the custody fight for me started.
then when I was 12
which I have talked about before

all these experiences I had
started a crack in my foundation
I just didn't know it then
Do so wish ..I had

By the time I met D
I knew I was broken
something was broken within me
I had become a person I didn't want to be
Hurt people I loved
cheated on my spouse
threw what was my life..
away

when we met
D's foundation was broken too
maybe that's part of our connection in the beginning
he was raised by an alcoholic abusive father
many of his family members are alcoholic's
and when I met D he was also a alcoholic
but I didn't see it ..
ok maybe I saw it but I didn't think much of it
didn't think about that crack in the foundation
I didn't really understand what it was
to be an alcoholic
I had no idea..
how hard it would be experiencing the man in my life
choose alcohol over everything ..
including me
for many of our beginning years
his drinking separated us
more times then I can count
lost us more things then I can say
lost trust
lost hopes
lost love
lost respect
I can go on and on
and at times during this journey
when we where separated
My focus remained on me
and my journey began to figure out
how to fix my foundation
I started to see a therapist
I went on and off for a couple years
started to heal some old wounds
I started focusing on my spiritual self
my relationship with my higher power.
I never felt I had any other choice
but to protect myself from his demons

His focus remained on him
but some how
some way
with my faith and his too
with love in our hearts
we found a way through
those tough years
D has been in recovery
for 6 years now
he fought those demons
still fight's them today
he doesn't want to lose
what we have rebuilt
and neither do I
I believe it was a journey for both of us
to fix our broken foundations
so we could rebuild us
on a more solid foundation.
the choices
the experiences
that brought us to this point
where all worth it
we are better people ...
stronger ..
wiser
more respectful
and have more hope for the future
We learned that relationships are never easy
but some are worth the fight..

but if I was to give someone advice today ..
who's in pain and feeling broken like I did once
I would tell them to take the time
to work on them selves ..
before getting involved with someone else.
Nobody can "fix you" and you can't "fix" anyone else

My Nana used to say something to me..
she said that only the fool needs to learn lessons from their own experiences
so learn from the mistakes of the people around you.

a little note to little leaguers.. from Gracie

2009-04-11T23:47:00.013-04:00

If your the ball goes over the fence ..
and out of the park ..
and into my yard ..

It's MINE!

Ps... your welcome to come take it from me...if U dare lol

D

2009-04-10T08:48:00.010-04:00

He is a man of few words
but he shows his love
every day
in the simplest of ways
He is complicated
we are complicated
What started out as an affair
became something more
Something neither of us can label
He is my best friend
Through the years
staying friends was never easy
He can be his worst enemy
We met
when I had stopped believing in happy ever after
He was looking for his way out
Neither of us expected
what would come to be
through separations and tribulations in our life
we have remained friends
He is the only person in my life
that never closed me out
even when I deserved it
I pushed and Pushed
yet he stood next to me
I say we are complicated
because we are
So many times he has had to fight his demons
Those demons I am unable to love
But the man he really is
the one he is when his demons are at rest
is a caring
loving
respectable
honest
dependable
compassionate man who I love
He is my best friend
Our relationship is in a place
I never thought It would be
Knowing all we have been through for the last couple years
all the reasons we had to move on with our lives
We still fight to stay in each others lives
We are really total opposites
We don't agree on
what to see
what to listen too
what we enjoy doing
He is the outdoorsy type
I am an air condition kind of girl
He is high strung almost hyper
I am even tempered for the most part
I am spiritual, I have faith
he goes through life with only glimpses of what spiritual means
I read the signs in things
he believes I see them
But he doesn't always think we should listen to what they say
He likes to leave things where he takes them off
I like to have everything in it's place

We really have nothing much in common
but our souls connection

When life gets rough
we have each other in our lives.
and that's something most people search for
I have a feeling that no matter where our paths lead us
we will always be..
Tripping over each others stuff
Fighting about this and that
and being there for each other no matter what..

this and that

2009-04-08T10:40:00.003-04:00

I am two weeks behind on updates
Its been a quiet week here for me
but the words just didn't flow
I have felt tired
not sleeping all that well
the dreams ..
when I am tired
it just seems I can't sit and think
let alone write my jumbled thoughts
To bring you up to date
grandma d is doing very well
with her new pace maker
she feels better then she has in years
just as I told her she would
Doctors gave her the green light
to drive again
so she is one happy lady
Last week I was suppose to take her for her check up
but my dad had an appointment on the same day ..
around the same time
they needed to run some tests
and I couldn't ..
wouldn't really
change his appointment again
I let k know about 5 days in advance
figuring this would give her the time she needed
to arrange to have the day off
or one of her sister's to have the day off
I have not heard from k since
the following day I took grandma d to her cancer doctor
we had a good day
talked ..had a nice lunch together
she was very excited that she could drive again
within the next couple days
after I dropped her off
I have not heard from her since
it seems to me
me saying no I can't
has done ticked them both off
I was hearing from the both
everyday
now nothing
not even a call to say hey
how is your dad
did the testing go well?
I can say I feel used
I thought a relationship with D's grandmother
was forming
but it appears to me now that
that relationship is based on what I can do for them
not what I thought
but not everyone
looks at family like I do
I understand that
maybe its because I can't have a family of my own
that I need to make the one given to me
the best it can be
but some people are just not built that way
I get it
but I am different
I don't know how at this point
to change and turn all this onto myself
worry about myself more
do only if there's something in for me
all I can do is accept
and do what I do
because it makes me feel good inside
As I said earlier
it's been a quiet week
been cleaning
been playing on face book
going for my walks again
Until winter revisited earlier this week
We are still doing a lot for mom and dad
but they are always there for me when I need them
they are truly one of the two
most healthy relationships
in my life
cause I work hardest at them
they are the people in my life
that are there for me
in good times
and bad times
when I was a selfish person
and stand behind me being who I am today
they are who makes me...
me.

anyway
Dad is doing ok
we have to go back next week
for them to run a few more tests
but he is doing good for someone with his condition
Grandpa ray
is about the same
very confused
it's so hard to see him that way
I visit
then I try to put it out of my mind
accept what is
and pray that he has some sort of inner peace

The sun is out this morning..
still snow on the ground
and its cold ...

I wish spring would spring back into Michigan

Winter returns

2009-04-06T12:45:00.004-04:00

Got to LOVE Michigan
Last week 70 deg nice sunny ,warm
Today...SNOW!

Gracie loved it!
I hated it ... lol

do me a favor...PLEASE!!

2009-04-03T17:27:00.006-04:00

fellow blogger Julie
has been blogging for one year today!
please drop over and wish her a Happy Blogiversary!
she would love to hit 100 comments!!
Lets help her out!
and while your there read her blog
she is one funny lady!

http://47andstartingover.blogspot.com/
Happy Blogiversary! Julie!!!

It's been a crazy week
no time to sit and write it all out yet
maybe this weekend ..I'll catch up soon!!

Have a GREAT weekend!!!

the end of another busy week

2009-03-27T14:37:00.012-04:00

Woke up this morning
felt the need to just get away
center myself ..
didn't know where I wanted to go
just knew I wanted to be alone
away from the phone
away from any stress
As I jumped in the car
I switched my cell phone off
today the world can get by without me
least for the next couple hours
the sun is shinning
the air is still a bit chilly
but spring is in the air
after getting some gas
and a cup of coffee
I start to drive
my friend Jim comes to mind
even though I think of him often
talk to him ...when I am feeling lost
miss him every day.
have not been to his grave since last fall
so that will be my first stop
the cemetery
it's a small place
surrounded by tree's
the sounds of birds
an occasional car
passing through the small town of Adair
his grave is not far from where he grew up
where we spent summers
in the 80's hanging out
drinking to much usually..
but it's was some of the best summers
of my young life
I was young and in love
with his best friend
they where summers
filled with laughter
and big jacked up trucks
perfect for any country road
not to mention off road
which in those days is how we spent
every weekend
least till..
the cops would show up and everyone would scatter
Jim was always
the life of any party
the craziest
and loudest
guy of the group
but he also was a great guy
always there for his friends
always there for me
through the years
and the changes in my life
he was always my friend
didn't judge me
just accepted me
when he passed
I cried for days
thinking back to the last time we spoke
I was in a hurry
didn't have time to talk
God I wish I could have just took the time
lesson learned
I now take the time
nothing is more important
then time spent with people you love ..

Last summer I went to visit his grave
and I wrote a blog about my experience
I will share it with you here
at the end of this post

Today here I stand at your grave again
not to share the pain I did last time
but to share with you
all the good things in my life
share with you the lessons you taught me
God I wish you where still here
to see who I have become
to see who you would have become
you left us to soon
I see your mom has been here
most likely at Christmas
the winters snow has left her memorial
to you in disarray
So I did my best to fix it
I know she would want me too
I should have brought
something to add to it
but I didn't plan this visit
next time I guess
As I stood at his grave
memories flood my mind
the night we all first met
how that night
changed my whole life
I am so lucky to look back
and know even through the pain
I wouldn't have changed anything
because I would not have met you
God I miss you
Before I let emotions take over
I get back into my car
and head out driving past the old farm house
where so many memories are held
I find myself heading to St.Clair
a place I once called home
drive past the church I used to attend
and head towards the river
where I used to stroll the board walk
every chance I got
I grabbed what was left of my coffee
and headed down the board walk
the water was calm
the ice was almost all gone now
just a few pieces of ice flowing
down the river here and there
I took a few pictures as I walked down the board walk
Some new sculptures catch my eye
They may have been here the last time I visited
I honestly don't remember
they are children at play
they are beautiful ..simply beautiful
I snapped pictures of a few
and returned back to the board walk
while I am standing at the river edge
drinking my coffee
soaking up the sense's I feel
a seagull lands just a few feet from me on the hand rail
and slowly I move closer
taking the camera back out of my pocket
to my amazement it stood still
I stood still for a few moments
looking at the simple beauty and amazed it didn't fly away
I took a few pictures
which again amazed it just stood there
then it looked at me
as I turned to walk away
it lifted off in flight
it was simple
but filled me with such happiness
I imagined all the stress
all the negativity life hands you
being swept away from me
I imagined all my worries
being flown away from me
dropped off somewhere up the river
by that seagull who just stayed there
with me in that moment
After I walked further up the board walk
snapping a few pictures on the way
I found a bench at the end and sat
finished my coffee
said an occasional hello to passer byes
I sat there for the longest time just letting
my mind wander where it may
felt good just to have time
alone ..in my own head
when I felt my balance return
it was time to go
I drove past my old apartment
still looks the same
as if all this time has not even passed
but time has passed
I lived there a life time ago it seems
on my way home I had one more stop
it's a walking bridge as your leaving St.Clair
used to love walking down the walking trail close to it
but this time of year
it's a muddy mess
so I stayed to the bridge
snapped another picture
and then drove home with a since of peace
was a wonderful way to spend a few hours
at the end of a busy week

Past blog I wanted to share
for those who didn't follow me
on myspace

June 5, 2008 - Thursday

A little help from my friend

Recently I went to the grave of long time friend Jim Quick ..
he passed several years ago after an accident
See when I am sad or when I am confused about my emotions ..
specially when my past comes back to my present
I find myself standing at his grave asking him what I should do
asking him to understand .
I sit on the ground besides his grave and I talk ..
everything and anything comes pouring out and while I wish with all my might he could just tell me what to do ..
he cant respond and I knew that.
But deep inside of myself I hear his voice..I hear his laugh ..I feel his presence
and even though I didn't get the advice I need those times.
I always feel better just being there with him.
Recently the loss of someone I once knew sent me back to Jim's grave.
As I stood at his grave with tears flowing down my cheeks.
I started to speak
I asked first if he knows whats happen ..my heart was so heavy I couldn't even express the words out loud to what I wanted to tell him
all I could do was to think
find him Jim ..go to him ..comfort him Jim
it all happen so fast ..
The sound of a car pulling up brought my attention to the driveway of the cemetery
A car had pulled up right behind mine and tooted its horn ..
I couldn't tell who it was ..the sun shinning brightly in my eyes.
So I started to walk towards the car..when the light haired women yelled out ..
It's me!! Jimmy's mom!
I walked over to her car ..I had not seen her in years ..some time ago she moved away from the area
I was truly shocked she was there.
She asked are you here visiting my Jimmy? I said yes I come quite often
she smiled and said I remember your face but I am sorry I can't remember your name. I told her my name,who I was once ..she smiled said well it's wonderful to see you here Jimmy loves that you still visit him.
I smiled it was plain to see I was visibly upset so she asked what did you come to talk to my Jimmy about today?
So I told her about the accident that took Dan's life..that I was here to ask Jim to watch over him and his family. She smiled and said you always where such a sweet girl ...glad to see that has not changed. She then said well Lorri you and I both know that Dan is ok ..he is home with God now.
I shook my head said yes ... said I know he is but I needed to do something...and talking to Jim always helps ..
she smiled said I am so proud to know my boy touched your life this way.
We talked for a long while about life..about her grand children about my life and where it's at now. I told her how I was torn between wanting to show my respects and not wanting to hurt or cause any stress on anyone by being there..
She reached out and squeezed my hand ..said divorce does not mean you no longer care or feel for the other Lorri and it's ok to admit you do still care ..
you should go if that's what you feel or don't go and find another way to show you care...
she reached out and hugged me as tears ran down my cheeks I love you Lorri and so does my Jimmy she said.
I was in awe of that moment.
As the embrace ended she said well I must be off have a long drive ahead of me
I said ohh so you where just here for today?
she said yes I come to straiten Jimmy's grave..
the thought popped into my head yesterday and I drove down this morning....I was just leaving when I saw you standing here..
Now you stay here and talk to Jimmy it will help..
In that moment I knew this was not just a coincidence
I said well honestly I think I feel a bit better now ..
I think Jim sent you to talk to me today..
she smiled said maybe so ..
maybe he sent you here today to remind me was a great son I had and how he touched his friends lives.
we both smiled with tears forming in our eyes..as she waved good by
I knew I had just experienced something so wonderful.
As I sat back at Jim's grave I thanked him for finding a way to help me when I needed his help so badly this time...

I am truly blessed

Thanks Jim

thoughts for today

2009-03-25T12:58:00.004-04:00

Gosh it's already Wednesday
yet to write anything in my blog
sat down many times
to write
but nothing seemed to come to my mind
bits and pieces of memories I wanted to share
but the words just don't come
Grandma D is doing well
recovering and feeling better then she has in a long while
I am glad
Grandpa ray is about the same
nothing new to report
I been so busy lately
it's been hard to find the time to stop
and visit for long
the last couple visits have been short
he has been grumpy and does not even know who I am
tells me "nurse put me to bed "
over and over again
My dads doing alright
has a doctors appointment tomorrow
that we put off last week
when I was just to busy to manage
Today I did some running in the morning
have the rest of the day to myself
where I plan on focusing on writing
since I don't feel like doing much else
it's cold and raining
the type of day that just leaves you feeling blah
woke up this morning
in tears
feeling awful
my dreams where upsetting
I been working through them
trying to remember
all the bits and pieces
so I might make sense of why
I am dreaming of him again
last time the dreams came on this strong
he had a loss in his family
I pray that's not it
not again ..not this soon
I pray everything is alright
I am sure the guilt
over dreaming of him again
will come sooner or later
but it's waited energy
I know that
I can't control my dreams
and it's not as if I dream of us
in the romantic sense
we are just talking
sometimes it's calm
and comforting
other times it drains me
emotionally
spend the day trying to shake that feeling
today's that day for me I guess
My dreams tell me a lot about myself
and my life
people around me
and I have always felt blessed by having them
but sometimes
like today
I think if they would just stop .....
then I think
I would then miss them
It's just part of who I am
have to accept that
and in many ways I do
I don't hide the fact I have these dreams
I usually call my mom
lol yes my mommy !
I can tell her anything
I tell D when he see's me in my mood
after I wake up...
there's no hiding it
I don't go into detail
only cause I can't
till later when I can have some quiet time to reflect
and put all the pieces together
plus going into details
would be hurtful
after all dreaming about a man from my past
couldn't be all so comforting to the man in my life
But he knows enough
that I don't feel I am hiding something
It's been so many years
you would think
by now
these would stop
but I dream for a reason
I have to believe that
or I'd have to admit I am a bit screwy
maybe a bit of both? lol

no need to comment on that last part lol

It's been quite a week...

2009-03-20T11:06:00.002-04:00

Monday I took Grandma D to have skin cancer removed
from her hip and top of her foot
I couldn't go in with her so I walked around the complex
they had lovely art work all through out
and I forgot my camera (damn!)
I took a stroll out side
soaking up the sun and warmth
it was such a nice spring day..
Grandma d's surgery took a few hours
I started to worry
when they finally came out and got me
letting me go back to help her dress
and hear the doctors instructions for her care.

Grandma d at this point has now been wearing a heart monitor
that her cardio doctor ordered the week prior
at my strong suggestion she see a cardiologist
it was clear to me her family practice doctor
was not taking these spells seriously
or she was just out of her league
So late last week we saw my dad's Cardio doctor
and he wanted to monitor her heart for a month
she agreed but didn't like it one bit.
But he took her seriously and wanted to find out whats wrong
and I knew if anyone would find it a problem
it would be him

Well Monday after the doctor left the room
Grandma d had one of her "spells"
while sitting waiting for her scripts
after making sure she was safe from falling forward
I clicked on the hand held part of the heart monitor
it alerts the cardio doctor that she had a spell
and they are able to read what is going on with her heart
during these spells
after resting for a few
I asked for a wheel chair to take grams to the car
as I said before these spells take everything out of her
and I didn't want her to push herself anymore
it was a long day for her
with the cancer surgery and all
On the way home her cell phone rang
saying the cardio doctor called
and wants to see her as soon as possible
by this point we are already back in Richmond
and it was close to 5 o'clock
to late to go back now
we had to go back to the cancer doctor
the following day (Tuesday) to be re-checked
so we would plan to go to both doctors the next day
I ran to the drug store ..got grams scripts
dropped them off and k made a comment about
me always being around when grams had her spells
she laughed it off as if it was a joke
but was not funny to me at all
a little while after she apologized for all the time
I been needing to take grams here and there..
that she felt bad
I looked at her and said she should and laughed
wondered how she liked rude comments followed by a laugh
and finally made it home that night after 8 pm

Tuesday morning I had to go to the doctors myself
I needed a refill on my thyroid meds
after a blood test
they found my levels out of normal ranges again
they upped my medication
I was a bit shocked to hear my ranges out of wack again
Thinking about the last couple days
I did have other symptoms of my thyroid levels being off
but I excused them away with
being tired from being so busy lately
all the stress and shit
but this is why the tests every 3 months
to make sure I stay in good lab ranges for me
and this is not at all the range I need to be in
I been dealing with thyroid disease since I was 19.

after my appointment..
I went and picked up Grandma D
we stopped and had a light lunch
then off to the cardio doctors first
His nurse ran his normal tests (ekg,bp,ect)
and then he came in with the results he received with the monitor
Grandma d was shaken by what he had to say
the results basically say her heart is stopping
and she needs a pace maker
we asked a lot of questions
and grams asked to go home and talk to her family about it
he agreed but warned her that if she had another spell
she was to go directly to the ER
she agreed
After we talked on our way to the cancer doctors office
I knew she was scared
and tried to assure her that it would be okay
But she was stressed and anxiety filled by the time we got
to the other doctors appointment
I brought her in with the wheel chair again
before getting into the building
she had another moment of weakness
she didn't pass out
she was just weak
we got done with the re-check
her incisions where looking good
and her stitches where holding
after we drove home
she called her daughters
and they all felt good about the pacemaker
happy that we finally have an answer
to what is wrong
after I got her settled and she laid down for a nap
K her daughter was with her
I left and went to the grocery store picked up some
things I needed at home
Later that night I had a weird feeling (vibe)
and ran a piece of pie over to her as an excuse to check on her
she was sleepy but said she was fine ..
watching the hockey game ..
I went home
but worried most the night.

Wednesday I had some running around to do in the morning
but hurried threw it and arrived at grandma d's
I need to change her bandages
clean the incisions and put on the medication
she didn't look like she was feeling well to me
but wouldn't admit it.
after changing the bandages
we went and sat in the living room
the phone rang
it was the cardio doctor
instructing grams to go to the ER
that her doctor will be waiting for her
We called K and she drove to grams
while I packed up a bag for grandma (just in case)
I told her
But I knew she needed it
also packing up her dogs leash and food to take the dog over to K's
K drove grandma d to the ER
and I met them there after I dropped the dog off
K's husband was home and for the second time
I was asked what I am doing to grandma d
that she has these spells when I am around.
K said it a few days before
They where joking
but it ticked me off
I responded that the reason it happens when I am around
is because I am always around her
I really can't believe they both said the same thing
it's as if it was a topic of a conversation between them
had to be ..after all they both said the exact same thing!

I had already said something about K saying it to grams
earlier that day
so by the time I reached the hospital K knew it had upset me
she apologized and I said oh it's ok
even though it was not
in the ER in front of grandma d is not the place
to even discuss this now
I sat with grandma d and K till a room was available
that evening around 10 pm
we got to the room
and the nurse asked is grandma d needed help walking
she said no
K asked her if she wanted her help
she said no
then turned around and asked me to help her
K gave me a look
I just didn't look at her and helped gram
to the bathroom then back into bed
while grams was in the bathroom
I asked what's the look for K
she said oh she was just tired
I didn't believe her
I think grams wanting my help
hurt her feelings
but she has to remember
this is what I do
I worked in nursing homes
I took care of both my grandparents
my dad
she looks at me as a nurse
someone skilled it help her
maybe I make her feel comforted
understood
I know I don't feed into her anxiety the way some do
anyway we made sure she was comfortable
and we both left
she thanked me as we left the hospital
no hug
no real connection
just a thanks kid and off we went.

The next morning grams would get a pace maker (Thursday)
the tests where all done
they prepared for surgery
I had to take my dad to the doctors
so I knew I couldn't be there
but K said she would call after it was done and update me
around 7:30 am she called said they just took grams down
and she would call me back around noon with an update
at 9 am the phone rang
it was my mom and we had changed dad's appointment
till the following week
it was just a battery check for his pacemaker
it could wait..he just had it tested a few months back
so I would be home after all
I wanted to go the the hospital
but after the night before I decided I best just stay home
and wait for k to call with an update
I slept most of the morning on and off watching tv
didn't have the energy to write or be on pc even
noon came and went and still no word
around 3 o'clock I was worried
but had to run to the grocery store for my mom and dad
did their shopping
dropped it off and D fixed a hole in the fence
so the dog can't escaped the yard
Then came home
and expecting to see a message on my machine
nothing from K
it was 5 pm and still no word
I had D call her
she insisted she had called
I said to D no she didn't
I have caller Id
then she changed the story said she called so many people
she must have forgot to call me
but that grams was alright
made it threw surgery very well
and expected to be released sometime Friday
she would be staying with K and her husband for the next week
I was glad she was ok
but a bit peeved about forgetting to call me
I mean I sat there all night with her
not her other sisters
not her husband
me being as helpful as I could
and I am the only one not called
makes no sense to me
I don't care how much is on her plate
I have a lot on mine too
but I am still there for them
but again I kept my mouth shut
I am helping for grandma d
I am helping because it's D's grandmother
and he is there when my family needs something from him
maybe I should say something
but it will only cause negative shit that I don't need in my life
so I vent here to myself and anyone who comes around to read it

Friday
Grandma D will be released later on tonight
I have not heard anything yet this morning
I really don't expect too
not unless I call k
I am spending the day pretty much at home
unless something comes up
it's nice to be home
being able to catch up on my blog
the sun is shinning but it's on the chilly side
I thought about taking a drive later today or tomorrow
taking my camera along just in case
something I see inspires me to snap a picture
maybe tomorrow ..today I am gona hang out in my pj pants
and catch up on reading the blogs I follow
reconnect with my online friends
maybe play a game online
nothing that requires me to brush my hair
or be dressed in anything other then my pjs
nothing that requires me to do a hole lot
sounds like a great day to me ..
the weekend is here!!!

Exploring the banks of Belle River

2009-03-14T22:02:00.015-04:00

Spent the afternoon exploring the banks of belle river
when ever I need to refuel my spirit
I find myself at the waters edge
a river
a lake
even a creek
it does not matter
The water is all that matters
It was a simply beautiful day
hiking down the banks
still a bit on the muddy side
just weeks ago the river went over it's banks
and flooded the area
But a little bit of mud never stopped me before
I let the sounds of the moving water
wash over my spirit
the warm air reminding me that winter has come to an end
the sounds of birds chirping as to say Yes Lorri spring is here!
the sounds of tree's moving in the warm wind
was a wonderful way to spend a early spring afternoon.

Have a wonderful weekend!

a question posted

2009-03-13T11:24:00.003-04:00

Julie at : http://47andstartingover.blogspot.com/
posted this question to her fellow bloggers

If you had to choose the single biggest mistake you've made so far in life, what would it be?

when I think about my biggest mistakes
I think back to my life when I was a young person age 14 to 28
I made so many poor choices for myself
many times my intuition screaming at me and I ignored it
I hurt people I loved
But I hurt myself more I think
because they moved on
and here I am.. writing about it ..still till this day
but when I think of all the mistakes I made back then
seeking someone to fill something within me
that nobody could have possibly filled
seeking to fit in a world
where I couldn't possibly fit
abusing my body and spirit
while abusing the spirit of people I loved
and back then not even knowing I was doing it
But all these things where caused by a bigger mistake
and if I had told someone
really told someone
asked for help ..
if someone would have seen my actions as what they where
and not just assumed I was just a bad person
a "troubled girl"
if someone would have asked me why
I may have shared with them my biggest mistake
it was the day I turned 12
I shared my birthday with a friend
we had a party at her house
three of us sneak out after midnight
walking to my friends uncles house
I had a sick feeling in my gut
writing this gives me that same feeling now
the "fun" that my friend promised that night
tore my world apart
I was lead into a world of pure hell
I was molested that night
silent but yet screaming inside
I had no choices that night
a gun lay on a table near the bed
to this day that is what I remember most
I believed he would hurt my family if I had ever told
so I didn't ..
till I was in my late twenties
but never did I ever talk to that friend again
passing her in the halls at school
I felt such shame
I went silent but yet screaming inside
I screamed inside for so long after that
I wish I had been strong enough to tell
not only for my sake but for that friend
the hell her life must have been
with the abuser being her uncle down the street.
I moved forward in life with that screaming inside
it lasted many years
lead me to many things I am not proud of
but with time and experience
I know even the darkest moments of our lives
make us better ..more compassionate people
and while I still feel somewhat "changed" and challenged by it
I learned to listen to my intuition
that silent scream .. in your gut
when something is just not right
I learned to trust myself
I learned to trust and give love freely
I learned what unhealthy relationships where
and remove myself from them when I need too
and each mistake I made for myself after the fact
helped me come to the place in my life I am now
be the person I am today
if I had not made these mistakes
I wouldn't have learned so much about myself over the years
it's been quite a journey ..
to find the real me and I am still finding myself everyday.

still quitting!

2009-03-12T10:48:00.005-04:00

So I am a day behind ..
oh well lol

Spent my day to myself
on Wednesday
finished my laundry
organized my desk
cleaned the bathroom and Kitchen
dusted the living room
but it was hard not to take a "smoke break"
Sad that a cigarette is like my reward for a clean room
I removed all ash trays from my sight
I had a headache most the day
I guess it will go away in a few days
Connected with some friends online and off
caught up on all the blogs I read
in the afternoon I watched some TV
and played fetch with Gracie
was a nice day to myself
but I feel kinda snappy
trying to control my bitchiness
hopefully that to shall pass lol
after dinner I broke down and smoked 1 cig
why do I so want one after eating
I tried to fight the urge
I ate some pie D's grandma made for him
after the piece of pie I still didn't feel satisfied
ok I think to myself
you can't fill the "want" with food
it ain't working anyway
so I broke down smoked it
felt stupid after
but I will not give in to "fuck it"
I smoked one cig ..big deal
I didn't smoke 19 others in a day
like I had been
instead of saying fuck it
I am going to give myself some slack
maybe then
quitting will work
we shall see

Tuesday with Grandma D

2009-03-11T12:31:00.002-04:00

Tuesday started off as any other day
up to damn early
and had a ton of things to do
and it is raining and cold
today will grandma D's first visit to her new cardio doc
she also wanted to take her dog to the groomers
we where just there..
not even 4 weeks ago
but she insisted her dog needed it ..
I don't see it
anyway 10 am we are at the groomers
we can pick him back up at noonish
we get back to her place where..
she kinda expected me to sit and wait
I changed the plan and said
I would come back when the dog was done
she didn't seem pleased
maybe she was lonely
and I am sorry she is ..
but I had so many things I needed to do
for myself
so I drove back home
did a few load of laundry
it was noon before to long
I swear those two hours flew by
We pick up the dog and drop it off at home
and we are off to lunch
and then the new doctor
we stopped and had lunch
talked
laughed
it was a nice visit
killed about an hour
the waitress sucked
took our order
dropped off our food
with the bill
and never returned
till we where getting our coats on to leave
then only to collect her tip
we left on the table
We leave
it is still raining and still freaking cold
we will be way early for the appointment
but oh well
we wait for an hour in the waiting room
she reads magazines
while I people watch
talking on and off about the food
in the metro restaurant guide she is thumbing through
she then picks up an OK magazine
gets to a picture of little Kim
says ohh little Kim she is gona be on that dancing with the stars
I say you know who little Kim is gram?
oh yes she says
I laugh
Your pretty hip grandma.. I tell her
the lady sitting behind us giggles too
We finally get into see the doctor
I am not pleased
the doctor is not the one I told her to see
why can't we make this easier
and see who I suggested
or why ask me for my opinion at all
This is what is making me crazy
I make suggestions
when asked mind you
and it's waisted breath
anyway we go through
all the basic questions
first off being what brings you here
I let her answer for herself
in my surprise
she says a nurse told her she has a heart condition
not that she had been passing out
nothing about passing out
he asked what tests was she running
that made her come to that conclusion
she says ..the nurse just felt I did
I could have screamed
no wonder these doctors are not taking her seriously
if she comes out with bull shit reasons
just tell them the truth
he follows up with a few more questions
she answers them
I speak up at this point
getting a not so nice look from grandma D
explain to him about the "spells"
how she has had multiple testing in recent weeks
he asks me what tests and where
I give him the information he requested
he suggests the tests she needed to start off with
just as I told her
her family practice doctor has been running everything but
I can see at this point her blood is boiling
she shakes her head
I wonder does she want some doctor
to walk into the room and take one look at her
and tell her exactly whats wrong with her
gosh wouldn't that be nice
but that's not reality
she needs to face reality
he tells her again
no driving till we get to the bottom of this
she says no way
I am going up north regardless
which she could I suppose
but now two doctors
have it charted
she was instructed no driving
I know this has to suck ..
I have compassion
I understand
but damn think about the consequences
as the doctor leaves the room
she goes off
I listened to every word she said
then said you know ..
the only thing in life that we can control is our attitude
I know its hard
but to get back on the road
you need to do these things
she knows I am right
she is just to far bull headed to admit it
now I know where D gets it lol
we leave the doctors
and I can feel the anger in her build
I tell her to go ahead
and vent
and she did
she tells me after her rant
that I don't understand
and she's is right
I don't understand completely
I couldn't possibly
but I been through this before
with my grandparents
with my parents
getting old sucks
I know that
I have compassion for her
I want to be a help her
but she needs to meet me half way
if she don't care about her health anymore
and doesn't want to go through all these tests
then don't
I am running my ass off
almost everyday
between her and my parents and grandpa
not to mention I do have a life of my own
I hope she finds a way to focus
on the positives in her life
and stop only focusing on the negative
and letting those negatives over rule her common sense
common sense says there is a problem
positive focus
on no matter what you have to give up right now
that they will find a reason
and possibly be able to fix it
maybe its a simple medication problem
who knows
you don't know till all the test they need are run
then with all the pieces of the puzzle they can hopefully give her..
the answer to whats wrong..
I repeat getting old sucks this I know
but it's life
you can't change it
all you can do is choose
how your gona deal with what comes your way

I feel sometimes like this is just to much
to take on
but I know I am at this place in my life for a reason
I know it's the right thing to do
and I know I do the right thing
not always
definitely not in my past
but I do now and thats what really matters
I know D's family needs my help
Just as mine needs D's help
life changed for us after my choice
to take care of my grandparents
7 years ago
and as hard as things have been from time to time
I am changed
and Thankful God put me on that journey
and I know he has me still on a journey
and all I can do is be respectful
be honest and caring
and do my best to help the people he placed in my life
I will be blessed by doing so

We got back to richmond
after 5 pm
we stopped at the grocery store
so she could grab a few things
by now she had calmed down
her energy was nicer to be next to anyway
I dropped her off at home
making sure she is settled before I leave
before I am out of the parking lot
I am getting my first smoke of the day
still having the half pack from now 2 days ago
I smoked it and enjoyed it
I only smoked 2 other smokes the rest of the night
from a pack a day
to 7 cigs in 2 days ..
hey I am kinda proud of me lol
when this pack is gone
I refuse ..I said REFUSE
to pay almost 7 bucks for another
I can not even excuse that away in my own mind
no excuses ..and I REFUSE!
Wednesday I am home most of the day
that will be when the real test starts
I plan on keeping myself busy
Wish me luck !

my monday morning

2009-03-09T09:42:00.012-04:00

Every morning I wake up early these days
I thought with the time change ..
I would be sleeping in a bit more
hahahah I guess I thought wrong!
at 7:15 am ...
I am wide awake looking at the ceiling
willing myself to just fall back to sleep
I lay there for 10 minutes
the morning light coming through the opening of the bedroom curtains
I reach up and close the curtains tight
I close my eyes and try to fall back to sleep
I roll over to my "falling asleep" position
nothing worked
I laid there for another 10 minutes
and gave up and turned on the pc
and went off to splash some water on my face
put my hair up on top of my head
when I come out of the bathroom
there is Gracie wagging her tail ..

OH so happy to see me
like I have been away from home for hours
she jumps up on me and does her happy to see you bark
she is the happiest dog I have ever had
only thing she don't like is rain on her face
I know she don't like it cause
she squints her eyes and takes no time at all outside doing her business
any other time she will run and play and take her sweet time lol
snow is another story ..lol

she loves to dig her face deep into the snow
and scoop it up ..eating it like its food lol
she loves to run and jump...
into the deeper snow that seems to drift right next to the house
anyway I make my way down the hall
into the living room where I find buddy still sleeping
I grabbed my camera and snapped a picture

the flash waking him up lol
he is a weird but funny dog
I honestly think he tolerates me
for the most part he only gets excited to see me
if Gracie does first
he is stingy with kisses
and rarely wants to lay by me
unless he don't feel well
like when he ate the defrosted pork chops
and got worms ewww
He is kinda gross in many ways
always eating or licking or rolling in nasty ass things
somethings wrong with him ..maybe its his gender lol
I open the door to let them out
pulling on my coat and boots as we walk out the door
the spring like weather we had last week
has been replaced with freezing rain
and the chilly winds of winter have returned
They take their sweet time
as I stand outside freezing my ass off in my pj pants
least my top half is warm ..lol
finally they are ready to come back in
and I feel a sinus headache start
I go to the medicine cabinet
to grab an excedrin ...the bottle is empty
I can't believe I put a empty bottle back lol
well yeah I can believe it
I decide I will run to the corner store
I am awake anyway
I drive to the store ..to damn cold to walk it
go in and grab a new bottle of excedrin
thought about getting a pack of smokes
I am a smoker ...not a proud one though
I started smoking right before my divorce ..years ago
tried to quit on and off
but never was able to completely stop my habit
well today my habit ends!
smokes here went up in price $6.18 a pack
and the man at the store said..
April first will be another dollar increase
well that means I am officially a quitter today!
I have a half of a pack left from the day before
that will be it for me

so be warned ...
Lorri might be a bit of a crabby bitch for the days to come lol

I return home to find both dogs
sound asleep on my bed
must be nice to be able to fall back to sleep lol

I know I will get sleepy just when my running for the day begins lol
when did I become a morning person?
wait I refuse to be a morning person!
I miss staying up till 2 am
sleeping in till when ever...lol
is it age..
is this my sign..
that I am getting older
one good thing about waking up so early
is I have the time and the peace to write
so maybe like I said before it's a good thing
anyway enough of my morning
I guess I should get my day started
wish I could just hang out here in the warmth of my bedroom
hang out in my PJ's all day
connect with my internet friends
maybe another day..

Have a great day friends!
catch ya all a bit laters!

a day with Dad

2009-03-06T21:10:00.020-05:00

Took Dad to Port Huron today for a hearing test
and to have his hearing aids adjusted
so we stopped off after
at the park close to the Blue Water bridge
and had lunch and talked
it was a semi warm day here
first day it felt like spring here for so long
we talked about all the changes
in the water front over his many years
I have heard the stories before
but I don't mind listening to them again
we spent nearly an hour and half sitting
watching the boats and ice
talking..
was a great day for both of us.
Here are the pictures I took..

reality check

2009-03-06T09:58:00.009-05:00

It's been a busy week
running here and there
for both grandma d and my parents
next week looks to be about the same
visited with grandpa ray ..
but he didn't know who I was
he was in a bad mood so our visit didn't last long
I was invited to go with some friends earlier this week
but by the time I got home ..
I was exhausted
I ended up not going
just hanging out at home watched some tv
fell asleep at 8 pm and didn't wake up till 7 am next morning
(I couldn't believe I slept that long)

I tried to explain ..
I was at the doctor's most the day
my friend said well that shouldn't take long what maybe 2 hours?
but it don't work that way
for one older people have their own pace
they don't want to be rushed
and they must be ready to leave for a scheduled appointment
an hour before ..even if it takes 30 minutes to drive there
they believe its best to leave early ..maybe get seen quicker
when will they figure out that it never works that way? lol
and frankly its not worth causing them any unneeded anxiety by leaving on my time
after any procedures they always have side effects
from the anxiety of just ...
seeing the doctor
having a procedure done
usually these test require fasting
and both grandma d and dad are diabetics
so after we have to prepare for that
usually after the appointments are finished
anywhere from 2 to 4 hours after the appointed time
we stop at a nearest known place to eat a quick bite
there always seems to be a extra stop before heading for home
bank,store,what have you
before you know it the day is gone..

I don't think my friends and even my family get it
correction I know some of them don't get it!

now I am not complaining here
while it can be stressful
I love that I can do this for them at this point in my life
I love the relationships I have gained in doing so
I know so much about my mom and dad even grandma d now
that if I had not chosen to do this
I would have never known
and they know me..
understand me
and knowing me they don't rush to judgment
like some do

I heard through my mother this week
that when my brother was told dad was no longer driving
he asked when I became the parent to our parents?
as if I took dad's driving rights away
Dad told me he felt unsafe to drive because of how he feels these days
besides being winter ..
last 6 years dad didn't drive much in the winter
they don't get out to shop much in the winter
it's to rough on them in their health..
did you know dad has driven to town and
felt lost in a town he's lived in 39+ years?
he would know that if he got involved
nobodies stopping him from helping
It's his choice to be clueless
but don't rush to judge me when you don't have a clue
the fact is we have aging parents
who need daily help
specially in the winter months when just going out to grab the mail
is to much to do when its below zero and they both walk with canes
making it a danger for either of them
last time dad took the garbage out he slipped
fell into the ditch
and had to crawl out of the ditch
where cars where passing and Not one stopped
by the time mom knew what had happen
dad was cold and wet and had made it back to the house
ended up being in bed for three days because he was so sore
so taking the garbage is even unsafe
so we do that now too
do you know that mom has fallen many times
and she crawls to the phone to call me to come help her up?
Do you know that dad tried to get onto the roof
so he would fix a leak right before winter
This man who feels unsafe driving a car
is going to go up a ladder to walk on the pitched roof
to fix a leak
lucky enough D stopped over that night
and D fixed the area for dad
Did you know that when dad had the flu a few weeks ago
that he double dosed his insulin one night and went into shock at 1 am
and we had to get him through it
there are so many more moments, examples
that show me our parents need the help
so you can choose to think anyway you want
but I know I am doing the right thing.
as for the child becoming the parents parent ..
I am not alone
there is many people going through the same things
maybe you just need to look around outside your own life
and see reality
and if you choose not to ..well
then keep your comments to yourself

question?

2009-03-02T09:45:00.011-05:00

Do you remember your first love?
Does first "true" love really last in our minds and hearts forever?

I remember my first true love ...
We met the summer I turned sixteen
We had no idea what life had in store for us
We only knew we loved each other
We could speak without a word between us
We could show our love without a touch
I remember the first time he wrote "I love you"
I remember running into my mothers bedroom
not being able to wake her fast enough ..
to show her the picture he gave to me ..
his senior picture
on the back the most wonderful words in my world

To the girl I love..

I was loved and it was exciting
He was everything in my world
We married very young
Full of hopes and dreams like every couple
We Danced our first dance to your the inspiration
He was my world
I was His
Until one day
eventually that world become something I didn't fit into
I don't know if it was just us growing up
I don't know if it was my illness
Maybe the way I was brought up
So many reasons
One day I was no longer his world
he was no longer my world
we found ourselves being content with our world meeting sometimes
Soon we lost even that
We both did things ..
said things
and it ended badly
I have learned in time that nothing ever ends well
I have had many years and tears
to think about my actions
to think about my truths
The truth is I still think of him nearly every day
I still only wish the best for him
I have kept a distant eye on his life
I am so proud of who he has become
Our lives have moved on..
But I wouldn't be who I am today
If I had never loved him.
For that I will always cherish my first true love
and never forget

the weekend is here

2009-02-28T08:47:00.018-05:00

Friday...
I spent the better of the day with grandma D
I took her to the hair salon where she got an updated do
little different then her normal do
a bit of a younger more hip style
she said are you sure when we talked it over with the stylist
I said Yes do it ! it turned out great
she really liked it
took a few years of her looks
it was the first time since she moved here
that she seemed really happy
I dragged a friend of mine along with us today
she's a lady who helped take care of my other grandma
before she passed away
we have remained friends
I thought her and grams would hit it off
Grams don't know many people here
so I plan on introducing her to a few older friends of mine
Maybe she will find a friend in them too
Anyway we all went to lunch after
sat around drinking coffee and talking for a while
I found myself listening to them chatter away
while watching the sudden snow fall from the window
After lunch we dropped grandma D off at her house
after making sure she was in safe
I dropped my friend off and I went home
the laundry that I started the day before still sit on the couch
normally I would roll my eyes and sigh

but seeing the two dogs sleeping
on other side of the pile with their head resting on the clean clothes
kinda made me chuckle

I spent the rest of the day
moving from room to room
organizing everything that needed it
finished up the laundry and started doing the night before dinner dishes.

Couldn't find anything to watch on TV Friday evening
ended up watching that 70's show marathon lol
Kitty just cracks me up!
I want to live in Kitty's world lol

I fell asleep shortly after the episode
when kitty thinks shes pregnant
but actually going through menopause lol
let's just say she didn't handle the "change" well lol
I myself look forward to it lol

It's Saturday...
Woke this morning to early (7 am)
what's wrong with me? lol
I used to be a night owl ..not a morning person
now I find myself asleep by 11 pm
I guess the days of sleeping in are over
even without disruption I can't sleep past 8 am
but it seems..
that is when I can find the time and words to blog
so maybe it's good thing
or maybe I am just getting old lol

Looking out the bedroom window
everything is once again covered in a blanket of white
wonder what will be in store for me today

the weekend is here ..
have a Great one!

morning to myself

2009-02-26T10:42:00.006-05:00

It was nice to wake up on my own this morning
no construction
no alarm clocks
Dads doctor appointment went well yesterday
we stopped off at the grocery store after
ran into an old friend Sherri
we chatted for a while
Sherri is a sweet lady
she herself is a caretaker of her elderly mother
when we first met
a couple years ago
she was taking care of both her mom and dad
we became close
right before her dad passed away
after a long illness
it was nice to catch up with her life
she works full time
and takes care of her mom
she is lucky she has family that helps her
I met her mother a few times
at work
Sherri and I worked together a few years ago
her mom would come in with Sherri's son
for lunch
Sherri and I have a wonderful bond
makes for a great support system
talking to someone who understands the hardships
I sure missed seeing her
we just been both so busy with life
I am glad I ran into her
I see it as a sign to reconnect with her
we exchanged updated numbers and email addys
promising to get together soon for coffee
I think I will call her next week
anyway ..
I feel kinda funny today
hope I am not coming down with something
God knows with all these doctors visits
I am bound to pick up something lol
But I am NOT going to get sick
I refuse to get sick !!

Today I have a ton of things to do around here
my never ending battle with laundry
gosh I hate to do laundry
but it's better then doing dishes lol
I have to get mom and dads taxes done
but I think I will save that wonderfully delightful job
for another day Haha!
there not hard just time consuming
there is always something
insurance paperwork
medicaid and medicare paper work
rather do them taxes! lol

I want to update you on grandpa
but really nothing to say
it's not good
he is losing weight
has no appetite
still on pureed foods
can't exactly blame him for not wanting to eat that
looks kinda gross to me too
but he just can't swallow anything else
did I tell you he has a lady friend?
well he does and she is one possessive lady!
she demands we and the nursing staff always seat him next to her
and she will not stop asking till we do
so now we visit gramps along with his lady friend lol
they hold hands
its sweet
my grandmother would kill me lol
she always said gramps was a ladies man
I always laughed
guess she was right! lol
The staff has not brought up a feeding tube again
I try not to think about it
pushing it out of my mind
not because I don't hate this or don't care
because it's what he wanted
long before his dementia got so bad.
it's harder then I can put into words
if you have been in the position ..
you understand
But I feel so torn at times
did when I called hospice for grams too
I don't know anyone in this position that don't feel torn
I pray and have faith
dealing with what comes ..when it comes
not thinking to far ahead
taking it day by day

anyway time to get started on my day
this laundry will not wash it's self ! lol

here and there

2009-02-25T10:13:00.004-05:00

yesterday was crazy busy
up to early because of the construction
nobody can sleep through this shit
today it even started earlier 7:30 am
if I lived in a nice subdivision in a 200 k house
would I have this construction waking me up every morning at 7:30 am??
would they dump snow behind our houses most the winter
starting at 3 am?
I think not
anyway rant over ..
I am awake and not a damn thing I can do about the city's construction.
Yesterday I took D's grandma to the doctors
the waiting room was packed with a bunch of people
sniffling and sneezing ..coughing coming from every corner of the room
I sat not touching anything
using my germ-x I carry in my purse at all times
I can catch a cold from a mile away
and if I get sick ..then who is gona do all the things I do
I also take the chance of getting my dad sick
and he just can't recover from even a common cold that easy
after an hour in the waiting room
we are lead back to a small exam room
and we wait ...another 20 minutes before seeing the doctor
after talking with grams a bit
her doctor leaves the room to go find her test results
from the hospital stay 2 weeks ago
I was thinking to myself
this appointment is over a week old ..
they knew all day what patients where on the books
you would think they would be better prepared
the doctor left the room 3 times ..in search
2 hours and 45 minutes later we finally
leave the exam room and go to another room
to get a referral to another doctor
we deal with her mess of an office
patient charts all over the place
reference books all over ..
no real system in place
we find out grams chart from her old doctors
have not come in yet
then after looking into it
the nurse realizes that the fax was never sent but charted
we finally finish with that
I am looking at the time
I have to take Dad to doctors at 2
its now 12:30
as we go to leave
grandma said something about a script she needed
to her doctor 3 times during her appointment
she must have forgot to write it or give it to us anyway
we ask about it as we are leaving
the nurse looks puzzled and says well can I call it in?
no...
grams says it goes through the mail to my drug company
the nurse looks at us with a blank stare
the doctor has left for lunch she finally says
so I offer to come back a few hours later to pick it up
We finally leave the doctors office at 1 pm
our appointment was scheduled at 10 am
I am not happy with her doctors
or the results of all these tests
in my opinion
they are clueless to whats going on with her
it's even possible they think she is faking it
always focusing on her anxiety
at every visit
I have seen these "spells" as they call them
she is not faking them
something is wrong
but because the tests they run are not showing anything
so they doubt her symptoms
I explained to grandma D
that they have pieces of a puzzle with every test
but they dont have all the pieces yet
maybe its time to see a different doctor
a neroligest and a cardio doc
maybe working together to figure this out
so today I am gona call my dads cardio doctor
see if he takes her insurance and has access to the hospital she wants
anyway I stop off on our way back to her apartment
for a sandwich for her to take home for lunch
I drop her off
get her into the house and settled
and off to my dads ..
no time to run home for a bit
in between like I had hoped
pick dad up
clean up his walk way so it's safe for him to walk out
and we are off to his foot doctor
I love the foot doctors
its easy ..I don't have to go in
but I do to talk to kerry
she is an old friend
that works there
we gab while dad sees his doctor
she lets me in on her secret
she is gona be a grandmother
she is so happy ..
and I am so happy for her
Dads appointment went way faster
we where done 30 minutes later
and he wanted to stop and have some lunch
I am tired
and want to go home
but I am not that tired
spending time with dad is always more important
then what sometimes I selfishly rather be doing
so we stop and have lunch
we chat about everyday things
he has a thing about talking about the past
he always has
but as he gets older
it's sometimes the whole convo
he brings up my ex
he brings up his relationship with his mom and dad a lot
I follow along and try to focus more on whats going on now
Maybe talking about these things
helps him work through it all
and if that is what is happening
then I will be more then happy to be his sounding board
my dad is so different today
then he was even 5 years ago
our relationship is different
better
closer
and I do cherish it so much
we talk about everything
I used to be scared of my dad
to really talk to him
because he always wanted to give you his advice and YOU do it
never just willing to listen
and not judge
but that in him has changed as he's aged and faced illness
don't get me wrong
he still wants to fix it lol he's my dad!
but he wants to know what he can do to help now
not rush to judge
having faith in me
and thats great progress
I guess the last 7 years of our journey
has shown him that he should have faith in me
anyway we talked and had a nice lunch
grabbing mom a lunch too in a to-go
We stop off at the doctors and riteaid
grab grams script ..
make dad an appointment to see his doctor today
we have a problem with a script for him
it's best we double check with his doctor
so later today I will be running back to the doctors
just a typical week for me! lol
So back to yesterday
I dropped dad off ...ran to grams
dropped of her script to send to her drug company
sat and talked to her as she vented how trapped she feels
not being able to drive
I offered to pick her up Friday
and take her to the hair salon
maybe shopping and lunch if she is up to it
she light up with happiness
glad I could help her feel less trapped
hopefully all those germs flying around the doctors office didn't infect us lol
I swear I could feel the sickness in the air lol

I finally made it home at 6:30 pm
watched tv after a long hot bath
watched the bachelor and the housewives
nothing much else on and
secretly I like both shows lol
but don't tell anyone!! lol
was asleep by 10:30- 11 pm
no dreams ..
think I was just to tired
I slept like a rock ..
must have needed it ...

This and That

2009-02-23T10:41:00.008-05:00

Well the weekend has come to an end..
the ground is covered with a fresh layer of snow
I knew it was Monday morning..
when at 8 am the snow plows and construction
behind my place started
I guess sleeping in
is just for the weekends
but at least it's not like on the big snow falls
when they dump all the snow from city parking lots
and dump it all behind my place
they start that at 3 am ish and go till 5 am ..
You hear
the sound of the trucks coming..
then beep..beep...beep (while they back up)
then you hear the snow dump
followed by two very loud bangs
when the dump truck finishes dumping
and the gate slams shut
So I much rather be up at 8 am
then be woke up
every 20 minutes
through the night
but hopefully that is over now
They are doing construction
now too but I am getting used to it
wish the dogs would
they bark at everything
I wonder how many times a morning
do people hear me yell shut up!
lol

anyway
think I have to let go of a old friend
we have parted from contact before in the past
life always brings us back
it's complicated
and in many ways recently
I have felt such distance
accept when she had an emotional moment
she needed to talk through
I did my best to help guide her
maybe when the circumstance the holds us together
comes to and end..
which I am praying it has ..
cause its stressing me out
it will either take the stress off our friendship
or just place more space
either way I am ready for this circumstance to come to an end
It hurts me that she didn't see the blessing
or care enough about the blessing to make it a priority
I felt let down for a while
now I just feel she let herself down more
I hope she finds what she will see as her blessing
maybe I shouldn't worry about other people seeing their blessings
and just focus on my own
right now I feel such a distance
with a few that became very close
the drama of women friendships
just overwhelming the friendships
the drama is bigger
then the reason
we where put together
and I can't fix that
so I choose to just let it be
move forward
going within
holding on to those who
have been with me ..there for me
the healthy relationships of now
these once where
but now have become cluttered
with negative impressions
maybe we have fulfilled the needs we had
and time to move forward
all of us
maybe someday our paths will cross again
they have before..
so I let go with love ..honor ..and respect
and hope each of you know
how very much I hope for all of you to find your blessings
and to recognize them when they show in your lives
I have and will always honor our friendships
though the good and bad
I see the positive light within you all
and want to continue to do so
so I will not say good bye
I will just send you forward with my love and prayers
and if we find that on our path we meet again
I will be there to embrace you and your spirit
in appreciation that ..
God set our paths to meet again
and knowing he has a plan for all of us
and that there is a reason for all connections

I have so many things in need of my focus
and I like it that way for the most part
everything in life has a down side

I don't have the extra energy these days
to deal with the negatives

I can't give negative any focus
it cheats me ...
and those I love
from truly experiencing
the friendship or experience
staying in the positive
is my only way to deal with life ups and downs
negative gets me no ware ..
it just makes me feel even more alone more helpless
positive makes me feel hope even when its a glimmer
I know it's there.

only way to keep living and giving
is to stay positive
and have faith in yourself and your higher spirit.

Snow Dogs?

2009-02-21T13:32:00.006-05:00

While I am just sick and tired
of all this snow!

my dogs Just LOVE IT!

quiet week

2009-02-21T12:11:00.005-05:00

Well it was a very unusual week for me
no doctors appointments
just basic running around
getting things done
Was a nice and needed break

it's still snowing here
Just when it all melts
just when my hope
of warmth starts to glimmer
Bam!!
another snow storm
I am so ready for winter to come to an end
miss taking my daily walks
that help clear my head
miss wearing just one layer of clothes
miss walking gracie around the park
it's just been to cold most days
but when it's a nice day we walk
maybe todays snow
will be the end ..I can hope lol

my dreams have been quite active this past week
I dreamed I had a visit from an old friend
someone whom while I call him friend
we are not friends
but we once where
after all these years
there is still a connection
least for me anyway
in reality I feel a strong sense of this person sometimes
and if I look around usually I see him or something of his
within a few seconds
I can say the dreams with him
come and go
sometimes we just visit and really talk
other times I am looking for him
wishing to explain myself
mostly these days it's just talking
I don't wake up feeling frustrated as I once did
now I just wake up with a sense of peace
and a twinge of guilt
I used to question why I dream about him
but now I just accept that I do
and to me it just shows how our connection
was real ..once upon a time
many times the phases of the dreams
have been validated when I heard news about him and his life
other times I believe it's my need for forgiveness
to release that only regret ..
that I have not been able too release on my own or through circumstances
Maybe in reality I will never be able to fix this regret
but in my dreams it seems I am beginning to heal the old wounds
so I don't question ..why anymore
just accept what is

spoiled?

2009-02-21T11:38:00.002-05:00

No...way
Don't every dog sleep on the couch?

ohhh ok maybe a bit spoiled!

Winter and Ice fest down town richmond mi 09

2009-02-14T12:08:00.001-05:00

and the week ends..

2009-02-14T08:37:00.001-05:00

It's been a long week
I have to admit
I am a bit stressed
I didn't have much time for myself
I hope today I can change that
Our small towns little winter and ice festival started last night
I did take some time and go watch them start carving them early yesterday
drove through town last night after running to the store for mom and dad
not many where out yet ..
the ice sculptures where not completed
seemed so odd ...
winter and ice fest and no snow on the ground ???
just a whole lot of water ..flooding everywhere
belle river went over its banks and flooded the road
I wanted to stop and take pictures
but traffic was to busy to be safe
So I wake this morning early
I am going to walk this morning
snapping pictures of ice fest like I did last year..

When I take my first peak out the window
SNOW!
while I am sick of winter
I am very tickled that it snowed today
just to make the walk through town ..
viewing the ice sculptures more fun
It's just a dusting really enough to turn everything white
makes it a perfect setting for today's events
I invited one of my oldest friends to join me for my walk
we shall see if they can make it
after a week of running
for D's grandma
my grandpa
and my mom and dad
I am ready and so happy in this moment to go enjoy something as simple as..
a walk with an old friend
catching up on each others lives
seeing all the ice sculptures
snapping a few pictures on the way
I'll share them here later!
It's the simple things that replenish my spirit
and help me through another challenging week ahead.